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female
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anonymous
writes: My partner and I have been together for 19 months. I am 6 months pregnant with our first child. A few months ago I noticed some sexy sms's on his phone from one of those 1900 numbers. I asked him about it and he said he had no idea why they send messages to his number. I believed him. I've just found out he has gone to a brothel and when I asked him he denied it, until I broke down and told him that I am positive he went and that I have proof. He admited to going but said it was only for a massage. We talked about going to see a counsellor and he agreed but nothing has changed yet. He still treats me as if I'm stupid and I don't know anything.I don't tust him anymore and I don't even feel like making love to him. Please Help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, foxylady86 +, writes (13 October 2005):
i also have experienced a guy very special to me sleep with someone else. because he has done this i don't think you will ever trust him fully again even though he says sorry over and over . my advice would be for you to take some time to ask yourself some serious questions because this will eat away at you and talk with you man to try and resolve this if you can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): you need to rebuild your trust..if you can, you need to talk to him and tell him you need to know the complete truth about everything to do with the msgs and the brothel and why he done it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2005): Isn't it amazing how some people become so obsessed with their own selfish needs, that they destroy the very people they claim to love. First of all, I am so sorry your bf has made this choice to hurt you and put his family (the baby)through this. Never rethink or reject this pain, dear. Just embrace and recognize that it is a natural emotion because it's an internal warning that something is wrong or out of place regarding the person you care deeply about. And you have a right to be pissed off. He broke the deal of what a committed, supportive realtionship should be. No excuses. Here's my definition of deal breakers. Sex with someone besides your partner and not contributing to the relationship and not wanting to. He's out on both counts, not to mention the the unhealthy consequences of his philandering such as
sexually transmitted diseases, which is the last thing you need to deal with, when carrying a child to term.
Now, you have to make some monumental, tough decisions for you and the emotional/physical well-being of your baby. This problem he has, is not just about you and him, anymore. It's about what he has chosen to do to his family. Start planning what to do here..because if he continues this behaviour, such as lying and disrespecting you, it will continue to take you down into the depths of despair and your baby deserves a happy, strong Mother, who can focus on it's emotional well-being , without the distraction of a partner, who will constantly causes pain and heartache. So decide how much of this you want to tolerate. Talk to family member, friends, a counselor, family doctor-anyone who will listen and can offer support to you. Never be afraid to ask for help.Your baby is depending on that. Remember, there are many wonderful agencies and places that you can go to, should you decide to leave this relationship.
But..it's only over when you decide it's over. So long as you're having thoughts of keeping him, then it's not over in your mind. He called you supid, hun..the woman ho is carrying his child.. the woman he should value and uphold in respect. Why are you tolerating this abuse...this is NOT love on his part. Think about it, six months after you build up the courage and leave, you will wonder why you didn't leave sooner. You will become a stronger woman, I guaruntee it. Your stress levels will dissipate and you'll regain a sense of self-worth back..that he took from you. You will end up a much happier person, in the long run.
Instead of sitting at home at night and crying while he goes to someone else. I have to say- where's your head, girl? Next time he is gone, get the locks changed. He'll only continue to treat you like this if you allow him to. And if you don't love yourself, because of what he's doing to you-then you don't have any overflow of love to give someone else and your baby deserves the best of what you can give him/her. Please try some counselling, they really can help. They don't solve your problems for you, but they explain the options you have and help guide you toward better choices for your life and that of your unborn baby. These are just my thoughts, dear-take it or leave it. But whatever you decide..remember to think what's best for that beautiful baby of yours. This baby does deserve a happier existence and only you can provide that. Take care and best wishes to you, dear.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2005): Been there, and I am so, so sorry for you. There is no such thing as a simple massage in a brothel, or massage parlour, as they're called in NYC. I found the credit card receipt of all things. And of course he denied it for two full days before he broke down in tears about the truth. I forgave him for his indiscrections, but I also left him. Your partner has been to a hooker, who helped several men ejaculate on the same day before she helped your partner. It's the dirtiest, most vulgar form of cheating around. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, and while you are pregnant. Your partner is not faithful to you, and you now know that it is in more than one way. This behavior will not stop, even if he has himself convinced that it will. It's part of his core personality, and when the relationship gets put on the back burner because your vaginal canal is healing from giving birth, or because your baby has been running a temp of 105, or because you are exhausted, this man will get his needs met outside of the relationship. It's that simple. Please take extra care of yourself right now, for your baby's sake. I ended up in the hospital two months after I found out, weighing only 90lbs and waiting for my colon to burst from despair. Please be stronger than me, and realize that his behavior is just that.....his. He must own it, you have to move forward and do what is best for you. But also, please do not be so quick to forgive. He has disrespected you and his child, has made a very immoral, selfish decision, and then proceeded to lie to you about it. He is not a good role model for a father, as the best thing a father can do for his child is to love the mother. You may need to go it alone, because that's where you are right now anyway. He will give you nothing but misery. And as far as sex with him.....that's out. Her bare hands were all over his body while he was aroused. He was looking at a whore touch him and love him while he ejaculated from her caresses (oral or manual, as I have learned), and you were at home carrying his baby and trusting him. Leave him to his brothels my dear, let him masturbate on it for a while. You must protect yourself from this type of man, because he doesn't value fidelity. You can have nothing without trust, which I suspect will be almost impossible to rebuild with a man of his character. Please stay strong, stay focused. And get out while you are still young enough.
With much compassion- J
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male
reader, LucidCupid +, writes (12 October 2005):
On the surface,there are two things going on here.1,He is feeling guilty.2You feel betrayed.For him to feel guilty,he obviously loves you very much and probably now regrets going to the Brothel,and will be hoping like hell that you will forgive him,but unfortunately it's not as easy as that is it?There's deeper issues here too.You need to understand why he felt the need to visit that place to begin with.99% of men go there for more than just a massage.I wouldn't worry too much about the SMS's,any more than I would if he was looking at porn-even the most sexually satisfied of men can't resist it.Try and get him to explain why he felt the need to go to a Brothel.Communication is the first step to a resolution.A Counsellor seems like a drastic measure at this stage,unless you're having other major issues as well.The main hurdle here is the fact that you don't trust him now.As the main foundation to any relationship,if it's gone,the whole thing will start collapsing.Your doubts about his honesty will eat away at the respect you have for him and the love you have for him until you find yourself resenting him.But it doesn't have to come to that.Talk to him.If he says he's genuinely sorry,forgive him.Your love for him should allow you to do that.You have a child on the way,so I'd suggest finding a resolve to this sooner rather than later.
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