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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my partner for 2 years now. We have been living together for 18 months.He is the kindest, most affectionate most thoughtful person i know, but therin also lies the problem.He is too soft.He lets his ex walk all over him, his grown up children do the same as do his friends and i find it very frustrating that they abuse him like this when i love him. It is jeopardising our relationship.I will give you a couple of examples.1/ His so called best friend borrowed about £2,500 3 years ago.He hasnt paid it back and never contacts my partner unless it is for something. My partner brings it up occassionally with him but never presses the subject. I have told him that his friend is abusing their friendship, especiially when we find out he has been on expensive holidays etc. He is meant to be re-financing his home at the moment and has promised to pay the money bech then.This has so far taken about 9 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!2/ His eldest son, who is 24, remained at his house when my partner moved in with me. My partner continued to pay all the bills and his son never paid a penny in rent.I suggested that he at least pay his own utility bills as he was learning nothing of real life. He works and has no financial commitments, or so i thought. When pushed to pay the utility bills, he announced that he had in the region of £35,000 of loans and credit card bills and promptly moved out and back with his mum.He left my partner with all the bills to pay and took what he wanted and left the house in a truly disgusting state. He has no respect for his father and in fact when his father refused to lend him his motobike, after just passing his test, he did not speak to him and did not even contact him on his birthday. He is rude and ignorant and my partner just brushes it off and never takes him to task.3/ His ex-wife (no2) with whom he has three girls with, last year accused him of abusing the eldest, who is 11 now. This caused him tremendous heartache, meant that me and my 2 children had to be questioned by the police and the social services and dragged on for about 9 months during which time he had no access to his 3 children.It eventually got dismissed and never went to court.He now is ALLOWED to see the two youngest girls ( aged 4 and 7) but still not the eldest. He just seems to accept this and has even adopted the attitude of two is better than none.There is no reason why he should not be seeing her but he will not confront his ex wife. She is living in the house he bought for her and he is paying the mortgage, 4 years now. She has moved her boyfriend in and they must be laughing. The house is in his name and it goes to court for the settlement this month. He cannot afford to continue paying the mortgage and has only really to pay £300 per month child support. He has offered her to take over the house and the mortgage and retain all the equity. She did not respond to any of the solicitors letters and has now been forced to attend court to sort this out. She telephoned him and asked if they could talk and he quite calmy siad he would. This i find beyond belief after all she has put him through and now because she is backed in a corner she wants to talk but still refuses to let him see his daughter.I could go on and on about the evil things she has done to him, they are not really the issue here.The point is that he doesnt set any boundaries with people and i feel that he is in some part responsible for the way they treat him.Please post this question as i would appreciate the advice. I sometimes think i am being too hard on him, but i boil up inside when he just continues to let poeople take liberties
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2006): You are right...he needs to change, because it's plain to see this is really upsetting you and it's likely degrading his own self-respect and self-value. We all hate seeing the person we love, being used as a doormat. He needs to learn that it's okay to set boundries and limits on what he'll permit and tolerate from others, but that's still no guarantee these people will all have respect for those boundaries. It will depend on his strength, his assertiveness and his staying power. Right now he lacks these qualities. He needs to learn some confidence building, assertive training skills because he does have real fears of disappointing others..dealing with others’ adverse reactions...he doesn't like creating conflict and he's worried people won't like him if he says no. In his mind, it's simply easier to say yes because setting boundries sets his guilt meter running especially where his family and his kids are concerned. Learning to say no is vital to one's emotional/physical health and success. One of the biggest blocks he may have is wanting to please other people before he pleases you or himself. Being a yes person does cause stress, self-degradation, noy to forget the anxieties this is causing in his relationship with you. He needs to be assertive in a healthy, positive way. He can be taught that saying no is like a muscle that needs constant developing. It is a learnable skill, he can master. And he can be very graceful when saying no. It’s powerful, and the foundation for strong boundaries. Simply said, a boundary is a "no". You have to help him. Check into some good assertiveness/confidence building classes in your area. If he goes...sign up with him as a show of encouragement and support.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (6 April 2006):
 I would feel exactly the same as you if I had a man like your man.
He should have full access to his eldest daughter and should demand it before even talking to his ex wife, he has rights and if there is no doubts about him touching her in any way, what is the problem now. Does the child have issues, if so then he should be allowed to at least talk to her otherwise the ex wife will fill her head with just evil thoughts about her father and this will continue into adulthood unless he can say his side of things. Perhaps a liaision person could be put in place to iron out the issues that are going on there.
I think your partner is probably unaware of his rights and suggesting a visit to CAB or his solicitor could help him understand how he is being walked all over.
His so called friend is laughing all the way to the bank and if your partner is not going to push then why not tell him that if he suggested his solicitor contacts his friend then perhaps he would see the money or some of it a lot sooner, friends are people who are there for each other and not who use each other when they see fit. He needs to understand that as this friend is no friend at all and not worth keeping in my mind.
The son who is 24 should be kicked up the backside and his father should put in place a repayment plan for all the money he has had to shelve out for him. If his ex sees how irresponsible her son is as well then perhaps they could set something out between them if they are amicable. He should learn the hard way that your actions have consquences and as a father your partner needs to set him an example unless he wants to see him completely go off the rails. It all depends on how much involvement your partner has had with each one of his children and whether they see him as an active father or just an open bank account/hole in the wall there for their convenience.
If your partner won't listen after all of that and understanding where you are coming from then suggest going together to talk to someone as you don't want all of this to ruin your relationship and if he sees that then perhaps the risk of losing you will make him see common sense.
If someone who is impartial tells him how they view it all perhaps he will take it on the chin and start to wake up.
Good luck.
BFN
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