A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for almost 4 years and have a wonderfull little boy, but my partner doesn't trust me and i don't know the best way to cope with this. He's very insercure and been hurt many times in the past and mysely may i add> I want my relationship to work, but have started to resent him. I feel I'm paying for his past experiences i.e he checks my phone, thinks I flaunt myself to other men, hates me going out with friends. He thinks I dress to impress other men. I've never done this. As for me going out, may I add I only go out maybe once or twice a month. I'm a bubbly person and love chatting with lots of people and I feel he's changing me. When we argue he say's the most hurtfull things. I don't know if its too late for us, but I want it to work as deep down I do love him and my son idolises him. *note from moderator: I fixed this question for you. Please try to use proper punctuation and capitalization in the future. It makes it much easier to read your question!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): I think Eddie's male perspective of the situation was helpful.
I recommend a book by John Gray. Men are from Mars and Women are From Venus. I adored this book.
While it seems that this may not be a quick solution to your current situation, I believe it will aid in understanding the whole male vs female perspective. This books also offers ways to communicate to one another effectively.
Counselling is another suggestion and 6 months is usually the time it takes to invest in saving your relationship and putting it back on the we love one another and trust in one another.
Start having a healthy, adult relationship today.
It's never too late.
Best Wishes.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 To the anonymous reply, who are you to tell someone to pay no attention to me? We only hear one side of the situation here. WE can only base our answers on what information we have. If we accept what the question asker asks, we offer advice based on that.
This particular person raised some issues. What does she do that makes you think she is selfish?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): Sounds to me like you don`t see yourself as his partner,but see him as yours. What are you hiding in your phone? Do you check his? You sound very much single to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): Take no notice of Eddie,he`s playing the executioner,Probably judging from his own behaviour. Sit your parner down and discuss the lot, i mean 2 way,not one saying and the other listening. Have you done anything to spark this behavior? How do you react if you see a female leering at him? You sound a bit too selfish for your own good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): Past issues? Past issues with you? or past issues with an ex? Either way,it seems like you resent him invading your space and somehow I think you look through his phone but resent him looking through yours. You need to be single. He cannot accuse you of flaunting to other men if he has`nt seen this happen already. Talking to people? women or men? Bubbly to everyone or the ones you find attractive? I think you are single when it suits you and a couple when it suits you. Theres no smoke without fire.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (19 June 2007):
OK, you're boyfriend may appear to care about you, and I'm sure he does, but he's getting you backed into a corner with his insecurities. You will eventually tire of this, actually you already have, based on your question. If you're already tired of this treatment, what does the future hold?
I have once been like him, to a small degree, for a brief time. The more you give in to his ideas, the tighter the noose will be around your neck. Each time you give in to his wishes, you reinforce the belief that he is correct. After all, he must be correct since you have given in to his ways. This is how he will interpret this.
Eventually there will be something you really want to do, with no bad intentions, and he will not be able to tolerate it. After all, you've played the game by his rules for so long that they became the accepted boundaries for the relationship. Example.....the girls form work are going to London for the weekend for a concert and a night at the theater. It sounds fun and you're invited. Guess what, you can't go because when you go out in the evening, a guy might talk to you. That of course will lead to you jumping into bed with him because you can't help yourself. After all, your kind of sleazy.....Do you get my point?
Your boyfriend is worried about potential pitfalls and temptations. Of course they will always be out there but he's chosen to keep them out of your reach by shortening the chain he keeps you tied to. So instead of showing his love by hoping you have fun on your weekend away, he punishes you by controlling the situation. He thinks it's better to eliminate any problems by controlling your actions, thus minimizing any potential opportunities to cheat?
Where does this end? What's next? You ca no longer have coffee break at work with a male co worker? You can't talk to the guy who you see at the bus stop every morning? You must get a grip on this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): I can understand how you feel because my boyfriend also has trust issues due to past experiences.
He only does these things becasue he cares about you and he can't stand the idea of other men perving over you.
I also hurt my boyfriend at the beginning of our relationship because I was inexperienced. He told me that I broke his heart which was the last thing I wanted to do and it really upset me.
Because of your past experiences he's expecting to be hurt so he seems extra controlling because he's being causious so it doesn't happen again.
He obviously loves you very much and doesn't want to lose you.
If you love going out and talking to people why not take him with you and you can go dancing together?
I really think it's worth making a go of it for you and the sake of your son.
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