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female
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anonymous
writes: I have just found out my partner is masturbating over the net. This disgusts me and I feel very sick by this. My partner says I'm not giving him enough in the bedroom. Now I feel I can't give him anything as I'm so hurt. What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005): just be careful . sick people who need porn and that sick fantsy world are usally off a little . bondage and snuff are real . the people who do these started with masturbating to a little porn
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005):
You are the problem.
I can tell by picking out the tell tale phrases "disgusts", "sick" and "... I'm so hurt".
No one was ever made sick by masterbation. What a crock.
You seem to have a victim mentality and are using this as the latest injustice perpetrated on you to get power in the relationship, even subconsciencously. The you appeal to an internet board to reinforce you victimhood.
You need to deal with this. Or, not. There is no fault divorce.
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A
male
reader, albert +, writes (8 November 2005):
I think you give only the title of the problem and it is difficult to give you an advise of what is going on. I can assume some things in order to try to help you out but you and only you are in the position to see if thats the case. First of all masturbating is one normal human activity, different religions have tried to put it like a sin but it has been accepted and even recomended by several known sexologists. When you masturbate, you have absolut control of your environment-desires and mental eroticism. You can control climax and you touch yourself in the perfect way you want to. Second, internet provides a free source for fantasies, in which you, behind a computer, are free to participate mentally they way you want to, and don't have the problems with a third party involved. By the other side, you feel jealous because he is participating with pictures/movies and it makes you think that you are not the best looking woman anymore for him and that he is trying to find better bodies that REALLY arouse him better than you do. I assume that you don't have a good sex life and maybe it is because you are not so willing as he is. If that is the case, he is using internet to fullfill his needs. Men fantasize a lot, we often don't care about the bodies we are seeing but we care a lot about the attitude the woman has in sex. In this matter, internet provides porn actresses that play roles. We like to fantasize that they are really enjoying it but reality says it is a ROLE PLAY. I recommend you that you sit and start thinking about your personal feelings about sexuallity and from there you should find out if you can improve some parts of it. You should also think about the balance between your actual situation and an improved one, in which, if you let yourself go, you will even have the oportunity to experience a better and more satisfying sex life. After you done this, you should talk to him and ask him his sex needs ( i think you have them clear right now ) and try to negotiate some of them. You cannot pretend to change from one day to other, the changes will be slow at the begining. He should know that and he must accept this and he also must be patient with you, and you must show some progress also!. This is the begining.
The point here is simple, if he has needs, he will see where he can fullfill them, if he has it fullfilled with you, he will try internet lesser every day. You must be also patient with it.
Finally i have to tell you that 50% of married men feel bad about their sex lives and the counter part of woman, 50% also feel the same way. At the relationship start sex is wonderfull, after years of marriage it becomes a duty in some cases so you need to lit the desire every day. You need to go out of the bedroom, find the time to share this intimate love together. I know many woman (and also men) who always said that their partners wanted to have sex every day. After their partners went away, they found out that they really needed the same, and now is too late. In my country, in the rural areas the old ladies have a say: you must be a whore in bed and a lady in the streets with your husband. I have updated the say in which you have to find the way to feel proud and happy having sex with your partner; if you want to be number one for him/her, you should train for it. I hope i could help you a little. Best wishes and discover the real you soon!
albert, costa rica
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A
female
reader, AuntyLaura +, writes (29 October 2005):
 Your partner is completely out of order. You have to tell him exactly how you feel and make it quite clear that he wont be getting any from you in the near future if he carries on in this way. Chances are he will not have bargained for this and will realise how much he has hurt you thenhe will apologise and do his best to make everything right. Have courage xxx
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A
female
reader, sigga dögg +, writes (27 October 2005):
What kind of porn are we talkin about?
Is him looking at porn really the problem, is there enough action going on in the bedroom?
I dont mean to take his side but I am a woman too and I understand where you are coming from but is him looking at porn really the issue?
Might it be that you are more upset that he is looking at other women and masturbating and not having sex with you is enough...
It is perfectly healthy to fantasies and if not in front of the computer then in his mind behind closed eyes while you are lying next to him sleeping.
Ask him what he gets out of it. Open up a disscussion about it.
You dont need to take this personally, he still loves you.
We women often tend to make everything into a personl matter. He is not looking at porn to hurt you, he is just being sexually active.
My advice to you is really look at what might be the source of your issues with him looking at porn?
I hate to brake it to you but men often fantasiese about other women when they masturbate and I think you know this, but you "catching" him in the act might have caught you of guard.
Are you sexually satisfied and happy?
I suggest an evening in where these matters are disscussed and be honest.
Good luck and I hope it all works out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2005): On-line porn and sex is one of the biggest marriage-killers around. This is not trivial, your beloved is out on the Internet trolling for thrills and looking for sexual excitement. On-line porn is repetitive, with addictive qualities. Men and women who participate are filling their mind with impossible fantasies and stepping away from the reality of sex as a component of married love. Instead screen-sex becomes a lonely exercise in excitement and self release. It is selfish, immature sex.
He is not "partnered." You are. Waiting rooms in marriage counseling offices all over the country are packed with marriages that have died because of the increasing allure and titillation of internet porn. I consider it very important and if he were my beloved I would not permit this sort of thing in my marriage. I would confront this issue directly. It isn't going to get any better and it could get a lot worse. I suggest you seek some counseling and see if he'll go. if he doesn't becuase he'll likely be in denial...then go yourself to learn about setting tough boundries with him. Tell him you won't tolerate it.
I wish you luck dear-you have your work cut out for you.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
male
reader, LucidCupid +, writes (25 October 2005):
Tell him exactly how you feel about it,if you haven't already.Tell him how it's affecting you,why it's affecting you,and that it's damaging the relationship.Him saying that your not giving him enough in the bedroom is just a poor excuse.He is feeling guilty so he's trying to apportion the blame onto you,which is a selfish thing to do.Guys like porn,that's a fact,because they're turned on by visual images alot more than women,and a little bit is okay,it can even spice up your sex life,but things can easily get out of hand.There is a condition called 'porn creep',which slowly inhibits a man's ability to interact with real women on any social level.The fantasies the porn portrays effectively becomes their reality.I can understand you not wanting to give him sex because of his 'habit',but unless he realises his problem,things will probably only get worse.Discuss this issue with him as best you can,but in the end,HE has to realise how it's affecting you,or he'll just keep doing what he's doing.
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A
female
reader, Nessiew +, writes (25 October 2005):
It is only natural to feel shocked by your partners act, especially if this was the first you knew of it. It is often the case that in this situation your partner probaly felt embarrased by what he was up to and immediately turned it back on you by his comment that you weren't giving him enough in the bedroom.. I feel this is a feeble excuse if you are in an otherwise loving relationship he should have approached you about his need for more loving.. truth is there is so much Porn available these days that it easy to access it on line and then for it to become slighty obsessive. I think it depends on your partners age, if you are both youngish then he was probaly curious and it may have just been a phase he was going through, however if he is an older man than he should be more worldly and not need to view so much.. I understand your feelings though - i have been a victim of a partner that secretly viewed porn in any form and it makes you feel as if they have been unfaithfull this then becomes slightly damaging.. in my case I couldn't get it out of my head when my partner was with me in bed " was he thinking of what he had seen elsewhere" There is certainly a difference with the masturbation thing especially if you caught him in the act, because someone and not you had made him climax.. Very tricky one,, you need to stress how you feel and let your partner know how it could damage your relationship.. All the best.. vanessa
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