A
female
age
41-50,
*ueenerin
writes:My boyfriend is French and I'm American. We do very well together excepting one thing. I have many bad habits and I'm very bad at being an environmentalist (in which he is). He tells me what I ought to be doing and for the most part he is usually right. BUT, I still like to make my own decisions about how long to use the light for or how long to use the shower or get ready in the morning. I'm finding myself scared of his possible reprimands if I do something he doesn't agree with. I've completely changed my way of life and it has been for the better because of my boyfriend... but, I'm sick of being lectured and I'm tired of him monitering what type of products I buy from the store, or how long I take to get ready in the bathroom. He has a point when I buy processed foods to tell me they aren't good. But, I'm scared of his reaction when I do something wrong. He is peaceful man, but he gets very disappointed in me.. and that hurts. I'm afraid I'm always going to be making errors. I'm not sure if I like him always getting cross when I make a mistake. And I make many without even trying to! I am in the clouds. But, I'm trying to get out. I know with time I will get better.. and thats good. But, is he just in his approach with me? Should I be getting lectured and reprimanded like this? I know I'm often wrong, but the relationship is beginning to feel like a child - father relationship. What should I do? I care about him more than anyone and I know he feels the same way about me. But... is a relationship supposed to be like this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, queenerin +, writes (24 October 2007):
queenerin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, i like the advice about asking for him to reccommend a book for me to read on environment and I'm actually reading one... but, i think that it is going to be a long process as far as getting used to this situation of comprimising. i have to change so many of my ways and my boyfriend is very high strung with this kind of thing. sometimes i wonder if compromising is the right word.... i think it's more like changing my values completely. i agree with his values, but sometimes.... i end up hiding things from him or doing things when he's not around. that's never going to stop, either. i understand his values, but i'll never be uptight like he is about them.. and he would never compromise with my desire for more comfort/luxury when it comes to environmental issues... so, im the one ultimately who gets to compromise.
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Be honest and let him know how you feel. Don't act resentful over it. Tell him you appreciate the fact that he is able to do the enviromental thing but that you are a bit different out of habit. It will take time for you to change ask for his understanding. Show him you are willing to compromise the efforts. Remember most people don't like being told what to do but in your own words " I've completely changed my way of life and it has been for the better because of my boyfriend" and " We do very well together except for one thing". So give him credit where credit is due and remember you have a right to express yourself with integrity. Also remember that he is correct by the many views of people. Don't throw away a basically great relationship just because of one difference of opinion. Love conquers all. Good luck and God bless
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A
male
reader, ironic nostalgia +, writes (19 October 2007):
 being an american, i can relate a bit to your post. education on consumer and environmental issues is dismally low in the states. it wasn't until i got to college that i realized just how much of an effect on the planet i was having. so i definitely understand why it's taking you time to become aware of all the different ways in which we intersect with the world around us, both commercially and environmentally.i am making an assumption here, and hopefully i'm not too far off base, but it seems that you haven't been exposed to much education in these issues as your boyfriend.tell him to relax when you make mistakes -- it's not entirely your fault. ask him to suggest some literature for you to read on these subjects so that you can educate yourself at your own pace. hopefully, that approach can minimize his reactions of disappointment.i'd also make it clear that you're going to make a lot of mistakes while you educate yourself, and ask him to promise to be more of a mentor than a lecturer. ask him to help guide you to prevent future mistakes, rather than just simply speak to you about these mistakes and why they are wrong.i'm guessing that he'll be receptive to these requests, as they are entirely reasonable. good luck!
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A
male
reader, Jamer70  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 how about you sit him down and make a small comprimise on one thing on how to do your part. Its what we do at my house. For example turning of a light or using less heat.
I know being lectured is annoying but compromise can be the key here as annoying as it is, it is important for everyone.
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