A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that my partner of 4 years has secretly been texting a 16 year old girl, behind my back and I'm totally heartbroken, hes 36! all the trust has gone and I dont feel like I know him anymore and I dont know what to do! Background info... We both know this girl, she has had several issues... and does attention seek. He is a genuinely nice guy and will go that extra mile to help someone. She went to him with a problem as he made time to listen to her, but its taken a turn by the look of it, not so much on his part, but hers. She said she was in dire need of someone(i cant go into too much detail) and he was there for her and she asked that he not tell anyone what she had told him as she had told him in confidence. Well that what he told me. I found out last night by accident when his phone had a text and we both happend to be looking at it... the text read.... " I would never get over you xx " He informs me that hes been bigging her up rightly or wrongly for the last week to stop her doing something silly and to make her see that people do wnat her and that people are around for her... I asked to see the other texts and he said i would take it the wrong way.. I belive this turned to flirting, although not directly, he let her read what she wanted into it, to make her feel special and so on. I know hes not cheating with her, and i know shes had problems.. but what gets me is why he didnt tell me... he said he hoped he could fix it without having to involve me and he didnt want to break her confidence and tell me all about it (this is a bigger issue for her underneath) anyway, he said he knew that at some point i would probably find out and he was worried that I would take it the wrong way, tell him to end it and so on and that he was afraid she would do something silly if he took away her lifeline... He also said that it was stupid and held his hands up and can see how I cant trust it and knows that for trying to do the right thing for all parties hes now risked our relationship... now the thing is to this point i trusted him exclusively, and i know there is nothing illicit going on.. trust me on that I do... but Im so hurt that he lied and that Me his one true love he couldnt confide this too for fear that i wouldnt understand... or behave irrational and go off guns blazing.. hes a very deep person and i dont doubt his intentions are true, but im so hurt and mixed up that the trust i thought i had has been burst in that bubble of security i had to that point.... what the hell do I do ? We are going to talk more later, but I havent slept, i cant stop crying, im filling the gaps in myself as hes not told me all the stuff hes text in case i fly off the deep end!! Im so hurt.... its only been going on a week that its got to text messaging and he was trying to help her, so why do I feel so cheated.... What can i do.. how can i get the trust back ? My gut tells me it is innocent, but head is telling me all sorts!! He said that the texts he sent were just to let her know that someone does care, and that someone is looking out for her, but she may have constrewed it, she doesnt have a father around and the mother doesnt want to know, hes taken on her as a problem and hidden it from me as i would take it the wrong way... now i have taken it the wrong way because he hid it! He couldnt say sorry enough and realsises im hurt and doesnt know what to do to make it right.... i think hes been played... but he thinks its genuine... Im so confused... please help....
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (3 May 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
Glad to hear the update! It sounds like things are working out for all of you. It's good to hear that it sounds like there will be no secrets like this again in the future. While your guy was trying to be a good help to this girl, it affected his relationship with you which should have never happened.
At least this can be looked at as a learning lesson and will, perhaps, allow you two to have an even stronger bond with each other: learning from mistakes, becoming more familiar with how the other will react, etc. So it seems maybe the end result of this mess has created a more positive influence in your relationship with one another in a way. Hopefully things will keep progressing - it sounds like you two really do care for each other very much.
And if your guy wants to help people like that in the future, maybe he should sign up and become an agony uncle on DC. ^_~ heh heh
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2007): I posted the question...
Thanks to all who posted in particular Stina for your last postings... I would like to add this update!
Well things are never as they seem are they... We had a chat and ironed it all out last night, and it really was not as bigger deal as first thought. My silly dumbass BF just thought i was going to fly off the handle at the txts..and thought if i knew less it would be easier!! silly boy!! he does regret not telling me first off, but really wasnt doing anything bad, the texts are normal texts, stuff that friends chat about but maybe in a more great to hear from you, youve made my day type thing.. now i know i can go off the deep end and i did walk in half way though a text hence i found it all out... so if i had read the texts alone at the time of discoevering this would have blown even bigger out of the water.. i think when i first saw a text i did jolt a bit and then just fled in floods of tears.. he didnt want to show me anything else as was worried i would take it even worse... he is very saddened he didnt tell me and the events are no where near what i was bigging this up to be... shows what a little info can do to you... basically i know the whole story, he has shown me the texts now and the worst one there is is along the lines of "hey my days all the better from hearing from you" He thought i was gonna flip at that and be even more hurt... he was worried i was going to take it out of context, and by not telling me i did!! i can see why he didnt show me because at first glance it does sound as though it could lead to something... now he knows he cant do this on his own, and he knows he should have told me, but he also knows i can be irrational and sometimes well i get jealous.. yes i can be a bit insecure, and thats not his fault, hes never given me any reason to ever doubt him. He was just trying to make her feel a whole lot better in the world, without the need for coming down on her too strong and demand she tell authorities and so fourth... We are going to tackle this together, and i must say ive known that she has texted him before,just silly childish stuff that her mum knew about, afterall its her mum we knew before her.. and that she really felt she could trust my bf to talk to.. i know what thats like, wanting to talk to someone not direclty involved such as your parents is a whole lot easier... its not like hes a stranger to her just someone thats prepared to listen and not go off alarming and be on her side....(yes does always sound odd when an older guy texts a young girl, we all go off alarming, but that is what society does to us, we always think there is a sordid reason, never really think that thier are genuine intentions!) i didnt mention before, but she lives about 2 hours away from us anyway, so we dont fully now the extent of whats happend. All i know is that my bf knows he did wrong, its only been going on for about a week or so, and he knows that he should have said to me about it, but was worried i would just say stuff her let someone else deal with her probs why you! He has a habit of helping people and folk just know they can rely on him. he knows that in the long run it was the wiser move, but knows that i would have probably not heard a bar of it and told him to get her proffesional help and to stop talking to her. It really isnt as big as i thought and the texts are just generally every couple of days and all hes doing is saying hey chin up so to speak im hear to listen if you want to chat, but in a non threatening non judgemental way, someone she can just escape to to chat about normal things, but someone that knows shes struggling to deal with things, hes trying to aid in making her stronger... rightly or wrongly you can see how things are turning in to brighter tomorrows for her, make her strong now and later on she will be able to tackle things on her own.. the background goes even further on why shes not told her parents and i can understand. We are both on board now, and shes cool with it, he just didnt want me putting a stop to it as he genuinely does care about people, he had no intention of keeping this up forever and hes actually relieved that i know, he didnt realy do in secret so much, was more that he was just not telling me she had been in contact... we can get through this now, and i have taken on board what everyone said here and that helped with the chat i had with him, he really wasnt sure where this was going to end up and has admitted that he thinks he maybe didnt think it through and really didnt see what the outcome could be.
Sorry this was so long, but it just gives you all the background and all your answers made me completely open and rational with him rather than just shouting... So thanks a million, we will see how she goes and take each step as it happens and refer her to proffesionals when this is required, at the moment im pleased to say she is indeed holding her own.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan +, writes (3 May 2007):
 If this girl has many problems she needs to get professional help!! A man of 36 contacting a 16-year old girl....here in the States he would be in serious trouble! I just hope that there isn't more to the story that he is not telling you!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (2 May 2007):
Hello again anonymous,
I just had to write back to let you know that I think it would be a huge mistake to lie to your partner, as the last poster suggested you do. (I'm sure you know what a bad idea this is without anyone telling you; however, I just wouldn't feel right not putting in my two cents about this.) If you were to lie, wouldn't that put you in the same boat as your boyfriend? Then how would he be able to trust you, either? I think it would make much more sense to talk with one another about what has been going on. Communication is a huge part of any relationship, and lies only cause hurt and drama. I'm sure you know - you've just had first hand experience of what lying in a relationship can do to it and to the people involved.
Also, contrary to what the last poster wrote, "All guys will cheat on their girlfriends or wives, even if they seem "deep, and genuine"" this is not true. There are people out there who have not and would never cheat on their partner - and I'm sure you know this, too. Just because he has been saying inappropriate things to this girl does not mean that he has cheated on you. It means that he was being disrespectful (!) but until you know for a fact, don't assume anything like that. Talk about it with him. But assuming things will just make you get even more frustrated and upset, and that's the last thing you need to do.
This can be worked out - but it takes two people acting like mature adults to do so - by talking, being honest and keeping all communication open in the future. At least try to set some groundrules and discuss what should happen in the future if anything like this happens again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): All guys will cheat on their girlfriends or wives, even if they seem "deep, and genuine" He lied to you. Obviously he would lie about other things. He may have already cheated on you. Did he let you see the other texts?? What I would do is get a hold of his cell phone, and without his knowledge, text this girl pretending to be him. Say something like "I liked seeing you the other day" then wait to see what she says..You can't be too trusting. This is your life. who cares if she does smth. stupid? That's not your problem, or his. This is your relationship. Stand up for it. She's 16 years old, and sorry to say but a lot of guys even though they would NEVER admit it, would LOVE to be with someone that age..When I was that age I had all kinds of older men trying to get with me. Now that I am 25, I hardly ever get hit on...I mean ever. SO don't trust that it is just innocent ego boosting. Because I doubt it is.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 May 2007):
 Hi
I do feel really sorry for you, it must be awfull. But we are talking about a grown man here, and not much more than a child. I dont believe that if this really was as innocent as he says, why would he not tell you. You should be the most important person in his life, not this girl. I really do think that he didnt tell you because he knows its not right, like all the aunts have said. If she is in need of a friend, its up to him to say I have a partner, but come round to see us both and WE will try to help you. WE!! not him alone. Your partner has crossed a dangerous line, and it will be very hard to make you trust him again. You say he is a caring loving man, but where is the love and care for you, and your feelings. This seems to be very much absent.
I dont mean to sound like a man hater, truly I am not. But there is no smoke without fire, and he has wafted the flames in a text. You need to be very strong, and lay down the law here. If she threatens to kill herself because she wants to be with him, and cant have that. What will he do? give you up, just in case.
Maybe she does need help, but from a person who can do this profesionally. Not your boyfriend who is going to make things worse, for you and himself.
I hope things go ok for you, whatever the outcome.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (2 May 2007):
Hello Anonymous,
You said in your last update that "...hes now worried that he cant break free of her incase she does something stupid." He has to realize that everyone needs to learn from their own mistakes at one point and he can't be there to force her not to do "something stupid" - whatever that may be. If she is going to harm herself, then that is a different story and her mother and/or the authorities should be notified. It's not his place to be a parent or anything more with this girl, especially if it is ruining your relationship.
And even though he didn't want to tell you what was going on, he should have at least respected you and the relationship enough to tell you that he was going to help her. And if he thinks what he told her is too inappropriate to show you, then he knows what he did is wrong...so why did he do it? You say he hasn't cheated, but he has cheated you, at least in my opinion. You no longer have the trust that was there before - there is no solid foundation to the relationship.
I think it's time that he tell this girl that he is through "helping" her and let her stand on her own two feet. If he is worried that she may hurt herself, then it's time to talk with a parent, close relative of her's, or the authorities.
And if she doesn't back off with the flirtatious talk, I do not think it would be inappropriate for you both to confront her and tell her to back off. Not only is she disrespecting you, your partner, the relationship between you and your guy, AND the relationship between all three of you, she is making her problems worse by being disrespectful to herself by flirting with a man who is already in a relationship.
I know that you must feel awful right now, but things will get better. Talk again with your husband and don't let him tell you "hes now worried that he cant break free of her incase she does something stupid." That is an excuse and shouldn't be tolerated in a relationship where two people are supposed to equally respect and love each other. If he wants to keep this relationship with you, he won't go behind your back "helping" a 16 year old girl feel better about herself by telling her inappropriate things. He is kidding himself. And, personally, I'd find it rather insulting that he would try to pull a fast one on me by telling me this. It isn't right.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): Hi i posted the question..
Thanks for your responses... And Pete yes i agree he now also loves the attention!
Mummymeme.... how you put it is exactly it... but hes now worried that he cant break free of her incase she does something stupid. I think he didnt want my input as i wouldnt agree with what he was putting.. and change it so i dont know how that will work but will have to tell him that now its in the open he cant carry on doing it without my knowledge i have to be in the loop or its not going to be fixable. I know he was trying to keep both ends happy and has taken on more than he can chew, but i dont think he realised last night just how much this has gone pear shaped. Today he is really worried about me... i think he thinks im on the edge now... im a tough cookie, but i still cant stop crying... he held is hands up and admitted he was in teh wrong so thats a start... now hes got to let me in... no matter how much he proffeses it will make it worse.. if he doesnt let me in the trust will never come back... i just hope i manage to get some since accross when he comes home tonight... im too busy crying to get myself heard at the moment... just feels like the ulitmate betrayal and i cant get past it at the moment... he should have come to me he knows that now, but i still think hes afraid to let me be involved... for what reason i dont know... but if he doesnt budge then this is going to be a very a painful end.
Thanks for your help.
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A
female
reader, mummymeme +, writes (2 May 2007):
Hi Ms anonymously,
I am so sorry to hear of your troubles, you sound very much in love with your man and lets make this clear he is still your man, now lets see if we can save this relationship.
He is obviously in love with you, as he wants to protect you from any hurt, mans basic instinct is to protect his woman - men also love to be perceived as the hero, he is trying to be everything to everyone and not cause any pain. He does sound like a very deep and loving man, you are very lucky indeed but you need to sit him down tonight and let him know that you understand he wants to support a young person and help her, but the keeping it secret is the one thing you find hurtful, suggest that you would like to help this little girl together, this way you can support him and keep an eye on the situation without any lies, the girl wont like this if she sees him as some sort or man that can rescue her and show her the love she needs. I would suggest to him to invite her round for a meal so together you can help support her (this you obviously wont really want to do, but it puts you back in control of your relationship) Your man will think that you are being so understanding and wonderful for understanding where he is coming from and wanting to help, he wont need to keep it secret anymore because you have taken away the need to and he still gets to feel the hero - occasionally say to him that he is YOUR hero and you admire him for wanting to help this poor LITTLE girl, this men really love! it makes them see you are not only a real woman but are loving and sensitive, it also outlines the reality that she is a little girl (the words poor little girl - without suggestion of sarcasm - will underline that he would be some sort of pervert if he were to go any further with her)
So in short, take tonight to sit him down, let him know its the secrets that hurt you not his thoughts behind them, you appreciate he wants to protect you and wants to offer fatherly protection she hasnt experienced before, drop little girl into the conversation and offer help and support to him, asking her round is paramount as this will show her you are a united front and she cannot get in between you, if she is serious about trying to steel him away from you - she will say anything even make up the most horrid lies just to get a reaction - this you must never do! never drive him away with screaming about this at him- if he does decide after all this support and understanding you have offered him, to go with this girl, then he is obviously not the loving and deep man you thought - you will be the higher person and he will be and feel the low life. I myself think from what you have said he is a lovely man, just mislead by the younger woman- problem is for him he needs so see she is a little girl needing a father figure. let me know how you get on - keep your head high, you are in control of this, you have years more experience behind you and you are the woman she wants to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): I have a good friend whose husband adored her. She allowed him to develop a friendship with another woman (also married) and both of them have been swearing blind that it is purely friendship. They are all committed church members. The husband of the woman was persuaded that there was nothing in it, my friend was persuaded and told by all, that she was worrying about nothing. Absolute complete denial from everyone and my friend being told by everyone including her husband that she was being unreasonable. Last night she found his love letters to the other woman.
I am afraid that your husband has been very silly. This needy girl has pulled him into her world by making him feel important and I am sure it was a slow and slippery slope that got him here. Of course he does not want you to find out, it would be very uncomfortable, why would he. Having cake and eating it. Denial, even to himself probably. I expect other evidence to start coming out, you can start looking at phone bills, his emails, whatever you need. You have not taken the words in the texts the wrong way. You need to know how far this has gone. The reason he did not tell you is he knew it was wrong. It is not a reflection on you, how dare he say it is your fault that he did not tell you because of the way you may react. That is a neat way to turn things around. Has she got parents? I think you should tell them about their daughter’s crush and that it is getting out of hand. You are worried about her mental wellbeing. See what your husband says about that.
My friend has been in denial about this, even as bits of evidence pointed to the truth she could not bring herself to believe that he could go as far as he has. At the moment she is denying that they could have had sex. He comes in at 1am after meeting up with this friend and the letters are very passionate indeed. What do you think?
Your husband must tell you everything. If this girl is off balance you need to be prepared for what is coming. I hope she does not get pregnant! Sorry, ouch. Although this situation is very black, it may be possible to get over it, but you will need help for sure. Anyone and everyone can make dreadful mistakes and they very often do. Some of them cause irreparable damage, some can be mended. Take each day as it comes but do not lose the upper hand by allowing yourself to get confused by excuses. They are lies, trust your thoughts. The feeling in our gut is denial, let your head rule.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): Whilst your partner could have been in a position to help this girl before, it is now completely inappropriate and I hope your partner can see this. This girl would do far better to get over whatever issues she has with a therapist and then by herself. Your boyfriend may have been doing this to help the girl, but getting a teenage girl dependant on a grown adult like this can only really mess her up more.
Your partner, even being deep and a caring person would also love the attention he is getting from this teenager, he is not infallible and I suspect he has probably overstepped the mark and that is why he won't show you the texts. You seem to trust him though, but how things progress from now on is all down to what he chooses to do.
Trust takes time to come back, but it can come back. He needs to be making amends by showing you that it is you he wants and not her, that is ultimately what will get you regain your trust in him.
Many people, especially teenagers her age go through terrible times but that doesn't mean your partner owes anything to this girl. People ultimately get through their own past issues, they do not do it by having someone like your boyfriend helping them through every step of the way. Your partner has made a serious error in judgement and it is up to him to now distance himself from this girl completely and focus his attention on you and your relationship.
Take care and all the best with what you decide to do.
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