A
male
age
51-59,
*nlyaJoe
writes:I am at my wits end with my partner. She has been emotionally withdrawn for at least three years now due to her own emotional issues. She feels a lot of fear and is upable to go out. She is finding it hard physically to get up of or get into bed. She is seeing a therapist and is totally focussed on 'getting herself better'. She saiys she can not give me any energy as she needs it all for herself.I have cared for her until i'm cared out. Now I have been able to go within and connect to a happy space inside me. However, the reality of the situation means I am receiving nothing in a relationship sense and have so much joy inside to share.Should I just accept the situation and wait in a good space for things to improve. If I listen to others, I am told to move on with my life. The reality around me doesn't seem to be getting any better although I am in a good space now. Should I simply wait for her to get better. I dont see the reason for breaking things until it becomes obvious. She is entitled to pursue her choices but I deserve a good relationship. I have asked for it from the UNiverse but it has not materialised yet. We have 4 children and live in a beautiful place. Sitting down and talking about my feelings simply draws a blank - She does the block with her hand and says she is on a path and must focus on it to get better.I am loathe to make active choices to break things here - I feel angry writing this. Is it the wisest thing just to sit and be until things change and the right way shows itself?Open to helpful suggestions...
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male
reader, OnlyaJoe +, writes (21 March 2011):
OnlyaJoe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
I got a chance to sleep on all this and have a few thoughts.
I think I am very much in love with her - This is a wonderful person who is simply locked away. She says it has nothing to do with me - it is childhood stuff which she needs to process - Her body is letting go of emotions and it takes as long as it takes...
I am grateful for the comment about her needing a companion, not a complainion, which I have been - This I can be for her.
I am used to doing jobs and achieving things - maybe I have viewed my family as a job - not a place of love.
However, the other side of things is... What amout my needs ? what if someone else has neglected my needs? Do I not deserve a partnership full of life? Have I attracted all this?
Maybe these forums are not the best place for all this stuff, but anyway... thanks again for your comment.
A
female
reader, Merilee  +, writes (20 March 2011):
You probably didn't see it coming because you werent that intune with her needs.Many years ago I filed for divorce. My ex told everyone, he didnt see it coming. I had been telling him, asking him, begging him to change for over 2 years.I had a male friend, whom has 4 children 5-14 ages married many years, his wife filed. He didnt see it coming.I have another male friend, married 20 years, his wife filed for divorce, he didnt see it coming either.From my experience, from reading stories, and from talking to my friends, I have learned that 80% of the time, the woman files for divorce, and she had been considering it for over 2 years.So, I guess men just come to accept and expect a lot, and have no clue something is wrong until they get the papers from the lawyer.Special feelings, yes, absolutley. It starts with butterflies, lust, thinking about them all the time, wanting to be with them .. its also naturaly occuring endorphines that are released as you are falling in love. Usually lasts about 6 months - 1 year. Then you find a comfortable place, where your partner becomes your best friend, where you tell them everything. When you do things together, the fun times, the chores, and back them up during the hard times. Its called love, its about putting the other person first.FYI: I divorced b/c my ex was a drug user and became violent towards me resulting in a restraining order.
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A
male
reader, OnlyaJoe +, writes (19 March 2011):
OnlyaJoe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFood for thought - thanks for taking the time to reply.A situation like this has developed over many years - I don't know how it comes to this - too hard to see when your so close to it. But how do you know you are in love?Shouldn't there be a special feeling there between you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): Have you ever thought of spending some quality time with her?No, not at the pub or restaurant, a walk or drive in the countryside maybe?This woman needs help, not from a therapist, a companion.We never needed professionals in the good old days, yes, when people chatted with family and neighbors.Depression builds up over a long time before it shows itself to others. Who suggested she see a therapist? Her, so she knew she wasn't being herself then!Or was it You? Did you see her change? What have you done to help then? Tell her go see a therapist!How often have you done things to help? Or did you think of her as job? Fix it once and it should stay fixed, otherwise its a pain!Little things can mean a lot, little and often.This woman needs your help not your winging!
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A
female
reader, Merilee +, writes (19 March 2011):
What ever happened to for better or for worse. Divorce and seperation are on legal grounds of drugs/alch. abuse - physical or emotional abuse - or living completely difference lives, irreconsilable differences. Are any of these in your situation ? I didnt hear you say any of them were. So your problem is that she is needy, depressed, basicaly in serious need of help for emotional problems, and you want to bail because you deserve a life.Im wondering whom you are focused on here, Im also wondering if you at any time during your relationship focused on her, because im sure she wasnt so distraut when you first got together, so this is something that has happened to her over time . . .makes you think.If she is severly depressed, and you leave, you may well end up a single father ... something else to think about.Did you ever really love her ? Or just like her around when shes able to do what you need your partner to do ?I mean, Im all for people finding their own happiness, Im all for people leaving a relationship and moving on. When its over its over, no need to drag it out. But your post is all ... shes insuffiecent and im lonely.I feel no pity for you sir, she needs your help and you are turning your back on her. You probably should leave, this woman deserves a man who will always be there for her to lean on and depend on and take care of her in everyway ... you know, like most men do for their woman in relationships ... its called love, its called putting the other person above yourself.
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