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female
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*opaz
writes: Do I stay or do I go?I have been with my partner for almost 5 years, he is divorced with a daughter, I have not been married and have no children.The house belongs to my partner, he pays the mortgage but I paid half the purchase costs (and half the cost to sell his other house). I do a massive amount of work around the house (including moving several tons of earth by hand to create more parking space - it took several weeks to do this and he helped me on one day)and I pay for lots of major things. I offered to contribute to the mortgage so that we could have a joint share in the house but he said no.He is not prepared to offer me security in the event that anything might happen to him. Says I couldn't stay in the house because it would be his daughters.Also said if anyhting happened to him now, everything I had put into the house would go to his daughter.He is self employed and we have never had a holiday, says he can't leave his customers. Says the only time we will be able to have a holiday is when he retires - by then I will be too old to wear a bikini!His daugter lives with her mum but comes to visit several times a year. She doesn't talk to me unless I talk to her and is quite content to sit and be waited on. Her dad is quite happy for her to be like this. He is all smiles and chat when she comes and is even a little like that with me - when she's not here he rarely smiles at me. A lot of the time I feel like a piece of furniture.He used to tell me he loves me but doesn't anymore. He never says I look nice, we rarely go out and he has no friends of his own. I feel very unhappy and unloved most of the time, there is no fun or laughter, no enjoyment about being together.It's difficult to decide what to do for the best. We have had good times in the past and I'm scared of making a mistake by walking away. Also I have put so much work into the house (and it's a lovely place to live) that I don't want to leave it. I'm 44 and feel as though I'm wasting my life because I'm not enjoying it.Not sure how much he really cares about me if he's unconcerned about my future. I suffer from depression which doesn't help. He walked away and left me once with tablets and alcohol because his daughter was sat in the car waiting for him, she wasn't in any danger but I was and he chose to go to her.Please someone help me to decide what to do. There are so many other things I could write here but I've written enough already.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2005): Get away from this guy. Why would you invest somuch money and effort on him, and his self centered ungrateful daughter? Do you like being used as a doormat? He needed a housekeeper, and you came along. The sex was his bonus. He doesn't love you, and never will. Go, Go, Go, as fast as you can.
A
female
reader, QueenB75 +, writes (29 October 2005):
This is what I say to women all the time WHY WHY WHY do you set up house with a man before you've married him. That's where you have no security in the relationship because you're giving a man the best years of your life and if a man's married it's harder for him to walk away. Women who shack up with a man are setting themselves up to be treated like a piece of furniture. If you've purchased the house together then it's time to get married since you've been together 5 years and had no children together. Obviously this guy's had enough time to mend himself from the divorce. If you're not getting what you need why do you stay in the relationship. If he's not discussed marriage and a future then you know where this guy stands. If you leave he should give you back your money and you take that money and invest some of it into rebuilding your life without him. Date someone who's not going to put you on hold like a phone call. Try living by yourself and not living with a man, if the man is serious about you he will maintain his own place and when you are ready to marry that's the time to look at getting a house together. This guy sounds like he's content with coming home to you and playing house. You deserve better than this. Women do a disservice to themselves by living with a man who's not even looking at marrying them. Please don't settle for less.
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