A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I am at a crossroad in my relationship/life. I had a beautiful baby month in January this year. He is my pride and joy. However I am now seeing a side of my fiancee that i hate (i know thats a strong word) I'm not sure I love him or want to continue my relationship with him anymore. We have been together 3 years. I am so exhausted from looking after the baby all day and all night. I get very little help from my man. He seems to think its a woman's job to look after house and baby. I have a full-time job also which i need to return to in august and i just feel like this situation is gong to get worse. I have spoken to him numerous times about this but it only gets ok for a few days then goes back to being the same. He can also be verbally abusive to me at times (especially when he drinks). He is overpowering and dominant. All of this behaviour i feel has changed me and how i look at him/feel towards him. I am very independant. I have a great well paid job. The house is mine. I know i would be well able to cope alone. I don't feel drawn to him anymore. Writing this makes it sounds like a no brainer. But at the end of the day shouldn't i fight for my relationship. Try to regain what we once had??? After all he is my sons father.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 June 2018):
 I just want to say that staying with him only because he is the father of your child is not a good reason. Not at all. What is best for your child is a good environment with a heatlthy parent(s). Even if that parent is a single parent doesnt matter. Work on your relationship for the sake of yourself and the relationship, not for the sake of your baby.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 June 2018):
 I know some abusers can change after a commitment has been made and they've "trapped" you, but did you really now know he thought it was a woman's job to take care of the home and babies alone? Like there was no sign of that belief at all?
Bottom line is that he's abusive and that's not safe or beneficial for you or your son. Many children who witness abuse end up with skewed views of relationships - either becoming an abuser or accepting abuse. You don't want that for your son.
Visit a centre for domestic abuse or women's shelter and talk to them about it. Get a trusted family member or YOURS involved and don't confront your fiancee alone. Do NOT marry him or try to fix things. This isn't one of those issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2018): Can you explain what you mean about fighting for your relationship? It takes two to do that. You can't even get the man to care for his own son. On top of that, you're in an abusive situation with a man who gets meaner when he drinks.
No, you do not fight for a relationship under such circumstances. If he was your husband, you'd go to marriage counseling; and the continuation of your marriage would be contingent on him seeking rehabilitation for his drinking.
He isn't likely to go through all that when he shows neither you nor his child he even wants to change for you on his own. What leverage do you have to make him change? He has to lose something to make him realize he will have to change to get it back. Especially if he has a drinking problem.
In their formative-years, children need a healthy and happy home environment. They didn't get to pick their parents, or even ask to come into this world. He will start to hear the yelling, and it's just a matter of time that the drunken verbal-abuse erodes into actual physical abuse. Which could also endanger your child. Angry drunks are not particular about their behavior or concerned about who they hurt.
You can do bad all by yourself be that the case. You may as well start the legal process for child-support. Seeing his child and paternal-rights will have to be decided and arranged through a family-court; and he will have to seek alcohol-rehabilitation before scheduled-visitation is allowed.
I say this time and time again to women who decide to have children for men before they actually marry them. You are likely to become a single-mother. You are being selfish when your feelings for a man come before the best interest of your child. You shouldn't have an baby-man and a baby child to care for at the same time. He's the man and the father; and you should demand nothing less of him. If he can't take the initiative to be the best father he can be, and a good husband; then he should be removed from the household.
His reward for anger-management counseling and rehab will be the opportunity to maintain a good relationship with his son, to see him as often as he likes, and to co-parent in peace and civility. He should not be living in your home while undergoing his counseling.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 June 2018):
 It is a no brainer.
Try to regain what you once had ? What you once had only looked / felt good because you knew half of the story about him, not all of it; you had seen the trailer , not the full movie. Obviously before the baby's birth, he had not been put in a position where he needed to show how he handles responsibility, or how he copes with stress and pressures, and that's what gives you the exact measure of the man, -not the fact that he may be passionate , or lovey dovey, or a fun companion, when nothing special is required from him but being around, living rent free ( I guess ) and having fun together. Your BF miserably failed the test not just of parenthood , but of adulthood :how to be a supportive, caring, helpful, involved companion when it's needed. I am afraid that if you stay as you are you are set out to parent ,look after and clean after TWO children, not just one : your actual baby.. and his father.
Might as well getting rid of the "older child ", and disposing thereby of the verbal and emotional abuse - at least you won't get that from the actual child !
Another thing , but I admit that this may be a sort of cultural difference, knowing , for having lived there, the very , veeery tolerant attitude existing in your country toward drinking, binge drinking and its ill effects. I could never get used to it, regardless of having spent over 20 years of my life in countries with a drinking culture ( and I don't want to get used to it , I still think it's disgraceful,tbh)
Anyway, what struck me is the casual way in which you mention him becoming verbally abusive " when he drinks ": Well, I don't think ( at least, I hope not ) that you mean that after one beer or glass of wine , or any other reasonable,civil intake of spirits, he starts spouting out of control obscenities and insults. I suppose that by " when he drinks " you mean " when he is sozzled " - when he is blind drunk. And it seems to happen , maybe not daily, or not weekly- but surely, for you to be even mentioning it, more that the once-in- blue - moon, "it was a totally rare,special occasion" thing_.
Then think about it, yes he is the father of your child- but is he also the kind of father figure, the kind of influence , the kind of example that you want your kid to grow up with in the same house, 24 / 7 ? Are these the things you want him to learn from his dad: how to shirk responsibility, how to yield to animal impulses at the first available occasion, how not to be able to control words and actions, how to let out unfiltered aggressivity just because ? How to treat women with contempt and disrespect ?..
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 June 2018):
 Being your son's father does not entitle him to abuse you or to expect you to care for the baby the whole time while he does nothing. He obviously CAN help as you say things improve after you have spoken to him about it, but then go back to "normal".
You need to tell him exactly what you have written, that his behaviour is causing your feelings towards him to change, that you are seeing a side to him you do not like. You are in a very fortunate position in that you have your own home, are financially independent and know you can provide for yourself and your son. Perhaps a trial separation would help drive home to him how serious the situation is?
You need to decide whether you want to spend your future with someone who treats you in this way. He will always be your son's father, and will have a legal obligation to contribute financially towards his upbringing if you separate. Hopefully he will find it in his heart to be a hands-on dad even if you separate. What you have to consider though is that you cannot sacrifice your happiness just to keep your son's father close. If you are unhappy, then your son will soon be able to tell and will feel the tension in the house.
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