A
male
age
51-59,
*onny777
writes:After 12 years with her she out of the blue said she didnt love me and wanted to split up.She said she can't afford to move out of our house and i can't afford any money to buy her out or move out myself ( i pay all the utility , mortgage etc). I feel depressed and don't know whats the best to do .
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male
reader, EllsworthT  +, writes (26 August 2009):
Make her cook and clean and tell everyone you have a live-in maid. Even better, live every man's fantasy: Arrange a monthly manage-a-trois in lieu of rent.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): As well as seeing a solicitor, you need to get the solicitor to seek the advice and opinion of a Barrister.
As an alternative, if you buy a copy of Private Eye magazine, in the back where all the ads are you'll find one where a barrister is offering advice direct. I don't know if that would be any better or cheaper though.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 August 2009):
 I know the recession is making things difficult in the housing market but it is certainly better now than it was 3 months ago, so there would be no harm in putting it up for sale and seeing what sort of interest it gets. If after 2 months you have had no interest then that might be the time to re-think your options. If you cant sell it then she still has no right to stay there - she has ended the relationship therefore you are no longer obligated to provide for her and her kids. I dont fully buy that she "cant afford" to move out - with 3 kids she will be able to claim benefits and will be recieving child support of the real father and she will be a prime candidate for a council house.
You really dont have to feel like you are responsible - she made this decision not you therefore she has to provide for herself financially! She is a mother, if she chooses to be a single mum then she has to make ends meet for those children. I think you need to ask her to leave, she has no rights to be there. If she insists you sell the house then I guess you are just going to have to wait until it sells, but dont put up with her freeloading off you! Make her pay her way - charging her rent and making her buy food etc could just be the push she needs to get out of the house!
As for buying some new clothes, I think that is a great idea. Revamping your image is a brilliant way to make you feel better after a break-up, it is out with the old and in with the new! Get your hair cut in a new style, get some new clothes and maybe join a gym or start a new sport. You will feel fitter, healthier and more attractive whilst giving you some time out of the house and it will relieve some stress!
But as for meeting new women - I think it is too soon. You have come out of a long relationship and you are bound to feel rubbish for a good few months to come. Rushing into a new relationship will only make things worse! What you need to do is spend time alone, getting to know yourself again. Take up new hobbies or revisit old ones you havent done for years, do all the things you love but your ex hates, read books, watch all the movies she used to hate, listen to your music not hers....there are some great things about being single but it takes time to learn what they are and to feel comfortable with your own company again.
Once you like being alone and are happy by yourself, you will find your confidence increases because you are comfortable with the person you are. Confidence comes from within (with a little help from looking good too!) and you need to find this confidence before you start looking at other women again. You should take time to get over your last relationship - it is important for your ex to be out of your life before you even think about meeting new people. Allow time to mourn for the loss of this relationship - too many people make the mistake of replacing one relationship with another just for the sake of it, and that will land you in a whole heap of trouble!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, sonny777 +, writes (20 August 2009):
sonny777 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnswers to the replies :- we're not married ,basically i bought the original first house where she moved in but when the other house purchase came about they took her part time wages into consideration on the mortgage so withouta solicitor seeing the contract i signed i would say she will be entitled to 50/50 split of what funds are in the house, she has 3 kids but im not the natural father,i pay all bills but not food, she has maybe bought one or two small items like vases for the home i bought all the rest. I have seen a solicitor to confirm the 50/50 split if the contract says so. I know its just a housing dispute in the eyes of the law but trying to sell a house in times of financial hardship such as these is near impossible at the moment especially as some of the house requires renovating before anyone would want to buy.
To say things are stressfull is an understatement especially since i am not very confident with other women however i have decided to start by trying to change how i dress so maybe a new wardrobe will help my confidence and help me to try to feel better.
Thanks to all who reply.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 August 2009):
Well I have a few more questions before I can give you any real advice!
1. Are you married?
2. Do you have kids?
3. Did she contribute financially towards purchasing the house?
4. Has she ever paid any of the mortgage, bills, etc?
5. Has she ever spend her own money on home rennovations (i.e.furniture, re-decorating etc)
6. Does she have a job?
Because technically if she has never contributed financially towards the house, if she has never spent money on home improvements and if you are not married then she has no rights to the house, it is entirely yours.
It sounds pretty awful that she has suddenly decided she doesnt want to be in the relationship and she doesnt love you any more - that must be so awful to hear so I am very sorry for that. But I think it is completely unreasonable for her to end the relationship but decide that she isnt going anywhere because she "cant afford it". It was her choice to end things therefore she has to deal with the consequences of breaking up with someone. She seems to be thinking that she has you wrapped around her little finger, where she can live rent free with you until some new man comes along who she can sponge off for a while.
If she has no rights to the house then I would say just make her move out! If she works then she can rent a place, or worst comes to worst she has to live with family/friends. If the house is yours and yours alone then you have every right to ask her to leave - she ended things so she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions.
But if she has contributed financially to the house, or if you are married then you are going to have a struggle on your hands because legally she will be entitled to half the house. Your only option would be to sell the house - then once that had sold you would split the money and go your seperate ways.
Whatever you do make sure she doesnt continue to take money off you and take advantage of you like she is doing now, she doesnt sound like a particularly nice person if she is behaving like this so having her in your life a moment longer than necessary will only make you feel more depressed.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): Put the house up for sale that will make her move out. I would not want to support someone who dumped me and then decides to free load. Try and go out and enjoy meeting people - dont let her get to you - you deserve better. maybe selling the place and getting a new home will be a good change for you!
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