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female
,
anonymous
writes: My partner has cheated on me and told me all about it. We only buried our still born child ten weeks ago. I don't know what to do.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (27 July 2005):
 I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling right now must be considerable. This should be shared between you though you may go through the grief at different stages.
I wonder why your partner chose to tell you about him being unfaithful now? Perhaps because he wants a fresh start with you? It is hard to know on the details you have supplied.
Of course, you didn't need this with all you are going through but the next thing to consider is how you feel about it. I wouldn't be surprised if your emotions are somewhat frozen right now with what you have been through. If you do feel angry and upset, then you should reveal this to your partner.
You have not said if he was unfaithful before or after your child died. If it was after, it could have been his way of trying to deal with what happened by seeking comfort. Of course it shouldn't have been with you and is not excusable but people do react differently.
What do you really want to happen? You need to take some time out to consider how you feel. Do you still love your partner? Do you think it could be possible to trust him again?
The best guidance I think that can be offered to you is for you to think of yourself and look after yourself as best you can. Give yourself time to grieve and don't let what he has done stand in your way of coping with your loss.
By all means talk to him and see if you can come to some kind of decision based on how you feel but take your time. You are the most important person right now so please cherish yourself.
I do hope this helps.
A
reader, pops +, writes (27 July 2005):
It would be nice if you told us some more about the relationship, and when this cheating took place. However, I would just ask you back, what do you want to do? Please accept my condolences and the condolences of all the advisors to this column for the loss of your child. You are certainly entitled to be grieving over that loss. As is your bf. How long have the two of you been together? Obviously, at least 9 months, but what I think is important is how long you have been committed to each other. Also, why did he cheat on you? When did he know his child would be still born? When did you know? What was going on between the two of you that he used as a rationalization or excuse for his cheating? I think the two of you need each other now, more than ever. Talk to him, and ask the questions I pose, and any others that you have. Then make a decision with him if you two can stay together. Many marriages have survived infidelity, and some of them have gone on to become very good relationships for both people. consider it his mistake, and use it to learn from. Obviously, if he intends to continue cheating on you, and you can't abide that behavior, then leave him and get on with your life.
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A
male
reader, namless_lover +, writes (27 July 2005):
Times of despair can mess with a persons mind, the only thing I can think to do would be to sit down and talk about it.
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A
female
reader, jess18maine  +, writes (26 July 2005):
 Wow, I'm so sorry about the baby, but this is a time your man should be there for you and only you, you both should be going thou this hard time together. I find cheating to be wrong and sick, if it were me i would have said bye right then, yeah it was nice of him to tell you but that doesnt mkae it any different he still cheated on you, was it once or twice, how many girls, do you know them, all these questions matter and you did not give very much detail but the most important question is do you stil love him and want to make it work with him? and the same question should be asked of him. talk to him hun, and good luck. make sure your relationship is more stable before another conception, maybe that baby new it werent the right time to come, because of the confusion going on in your relationship, I'm sry to say this but I think with whats going on now, what happened was for the best, bring a babay into the world is special and should happen at just the right time in ur life. everything should be about that baby from conception to at least age 2 then maybe u will have more tiem to focus on ur relationship with ur man... thats why everything needs to be stable in the beginning. be smart, staying with a man that cheated and trying to make a family is a bad idea, wait a good year b4 trying again.. His he going to be the great dad u know ur babys will desever? he wont be if hes never home and will other women,,, and should'nt he have been there 4 u in ur time of need and morning? BE smart, because i know u are.
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