A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi people I really need some advice I’ve been with my partner for 6 years we have a 4 year old daughter I have a son from a previous relationship we’ve been having problems this last year I caught him watching porn which normally would not of bothered me but we haven’t had sex for 6 months he sleeps in the spare room I have asked him to come back to bed but he won’t he does everything possible to avoid me like for instance today I got up he had gone to work he had been home 10 mins then I had to go to work I got home he sat for 15 mins then went to his mates and he is still not back 3 hours later he is very secretive with his phone always in his pocket he avoids me whenever he can I don’t depend on him financially i manage fine with money i pay most of the bills i just don’t know what to do other than end the relationship I have tried asking if anything is bothering him or if he’s stressed to which he replies no everything’s good I just don’t know what to do thank you for any answers
View related questions:
money, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2019): You can pay your way so you can decide what you want.
He has turned himself into a nonpaying lodger or squatter!
He is fine with it but you are not!
No sex for 6months sounds like its over and phone secrecy and ducking out all the time suggest other interests.
Reclaim your kingdom by kicking him to the kerb.
Make him make the moves to win you back or put yourself on a pedestal too far out of reach!
Tell him its over and he must move on and watch his reactions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2019): Masturbation with porn may be a chosen alternative to sex; if he heavily indulges in it. It becomes habit, and the human-mind tends to like variety, thrills, and surprise. When things become routine, boring, or predictable; sometimes the mind searches for new adventures or excitement.
Often women come to DC complaining about porn; and I can understand where it would cause some problems, but it's not just the porn. There are other issues in the relationship, and porn is just one of them. If you ask many of these women if they had his attention all-day, what would they do with it? They wouldn't have a clue. If you want more affection, why haven't you asked for hugs, more kisses, and snuggles to make you feel appreciated? It never ceases to amaze me that people can't talk to the person that you have sex with on a regular(or irregular) basis. You live with these people!!! Year-in and year-out!
Many of you won't like my frankness; but you need some truth and straightforward advice. If you've had children outside of marriage, you'll have to wonder if he remained for the sake of his offspring, or did he want to be with you to form a family? If he wanted a family, why wouldn't he want to marry you first? Why not give you the option of taking his name, and making his family-unit more committed by marriage? Maybe you thought having kids would keep him? Well...you may keep his physical-presence, but not necessarily his heart, mind, and soul. Sorry, if you don't care for such directness; but sometimes that is the reason why he is emotionally-unavailable.
Porn does kill or usurp much of his sexual-appetite or sexual-energy. Men won't admit that it can; because they/we can get-off several times over the course of a day on selfish-pleasure. They (those who use porn) tap into their fantasy and imagination; and enjoy themselves in a world of sexual-fantasy. However, in the process they could become addicted and desensitized to normal emotional-interaction with a real partner. I've got tons of posts like this to backup my hypothesis! Show me proof to the contrary!
You can argue all the day long about how men have a right to it, or try to add benefits to it; but go by the posts we receive from women and judge by that.
Connoisseurs and fans who like porn would debate you all day; but be a fly on the wall, and see how it will eventually effect their performance with a real partner. It might give creative ideas or temporarily add spice to your love-life; but nothing does it like real-love and natural-attraction! Porn draws more of your attention to itself, it doesn't care about your love-life. Like abusing narcotic drugs or drinking too much alcohol; it will damage your life when you over-indulge in it. It aims for everything in your mind that makes you want and enjoy it; then it attaches itself like a parasite.
If it doesn't benefit both partners in the relationship; it's a problem. As it becomes more of a habit, it will cause breakage in the emotional-connection between couples. Enough about how bad porn is! What about how you get along as a couple in other areas of your relationship? Men aren't always at fault!
Lets face it, it is true in some instances he is bored with the same sex-partner. Even if she keeps herself fit, and considered quite attractive; when porn becomes a habit, it becomes a problem in the relationship. Guys get tired of nagging, whining, and complaining. We don't forget, and sometimes don't forgive, the nasty things said in arguments. Guys don't like when their partners let themselves go, and don't try to doll themselves up on occasion. They don't like when you have the same untidy habits; like farting, belching, and nose-picking. When you dress as much like a man as he does. They start to see these things as less attractive or unfeminine features; and their attraction starts to dissipate. When they see all their favorite attributes in other women, it reminds them of what they used to see in you! Sorry fellas, they need the truth! Flirts and asshats are the exception. They are foul-spirited and totally low-life. They don't appreciate their women, no matter how good she is.
It is normal for the attraction in a relationship to dip or lull. You get very used to each other. Finances, worries, stress, lack of rest, and having kids knocks the wind out you. You're out of sorts; and you need some way of release, refreshment, or escape. Porn has replaced sports and hobbies for some guys! Some couch-potatoes, basement-dwellers, and gamers don't like physical-activity; unless it involves their palms and penises! Sneaky husbands and boyfriends think it's some alternative to cheating on you. Seriously dudes?!!
I think your problem goes deeper than his watching porn. The majority of men who watch it don't lose interest or attraction for their mates. If they become addicted, they might.
Porn produces dopamine (the brain chemical that creates the feeling of reward) and serotonin (the chemical in the brain that makes you feel good and happy). It's these same polypeptides sent through neurotransmitters that causes addiction to narcotic substances and alcohol. Love, sex, and masturbation creates these chemicals. They are both produced in high levels when using addictive-narcotics. Affecting the same parts of the brain. That's why masturbation can easily become habitual; and porn is frequently used as a source of entertainment. Designed and created for the purpose of sexual-arousal; and to satisfy virtually any or every taste. That's why the industry makes billions; because they know of its addictive-effects. They're like drug-pushers...out to steal your money, your mind, and to manipulate your will. Tools of the devil himself!
Apart from all that, if a man isn't emotionally-available and manipulated into a relationship with you; eventually he will become very detached. Quite distant or aloof. He may lose attraction for many reasons. His failing health, lowered sex-drive due to low-testosterone-level, aging, erectile-dysfunction, cheating, and a host of reasons.
My own layman's opinion is, many of these relationships were never on steady-ground to begin with. It was always shaky. Held together by desperation, clinginess, dependency, or through smothering. Poorly-matched couples who try to force their incompatibility to work. Manipulation and psychological-blackmail is often used to trap people into relationships that eventually fall-apart. Trying to make a relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend a faux-marriage. Arguably, you just won't get the same level of commitment.
Why be together seven to 10 years, and not get married? Don't give me that nonsense about paper. That mess don't fly with me! The modern-way is quick, easy, and disposable! If you can't handle the truth; go ahead and be delusional, and escape through fantasy! If you're living it, you have no defensible argument.
If he or she loves you so much, why won't they marry you? Why can't they show you love and affection?
I think it is because many people don't believe love is real or continual. They want guarantees. Many men want to feel they can get-out of it easier; and commitment-phobics sees marriage as a cage or trap. You can't variate sex-partners unless you swing! They want to be able to walkaway when they've had enough of the same tired-old relationship. They want something new and different. They want the option to bail!!! You have no spousal-rights, can't touch his assets, or seek alimony! You live on an honor-system or verbal-contract.
Kids need honorable-dads who commit to their moms with real-love! Guys who can show affection, and mean it! There through thick and thin! If you think that's old-fashioned, it means you ain't got it!
Men who are excellent role-models who make boys into good-men; and teach girls what kind of man a good-woman deserves.
You can't force anyone to love you. You have to open communication between you to find-out what's going-on. You have to be courageous and receptive of the truth. You have to face him. Ask him if there is a problem, and discuss how can you both fix it? If he doesn't want to talk about it, or persistently evades any discussion; don't expect things to change. All the advice in the world can't force anyone to love you, if they don't. If they did, they'd make considerable effort to keep you, and would do anything humanly-possible to prove-it. Even give-up porn! Don't expect boyfriends to be husbands. The same rules don't apply!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 May 2019):
 Next time he says "everything's good" you need to say "well, it isn't good for ME".
You are being very passive about all this. You ASK him to come back to bed. You ASK him if anything is bothering him. Is it because you are worried about losing him? I understand you can manage fine financially but, obviously, there is more to consider here.
Porn is just "relief". It requires no effort on the part of the watcher. His watching porn would be way down my list of worries if I was in your shoes. What would worry me far more would be his avoidance of spending time with you and his being secretive with his phone.
You need to take a firmer stance and demand he tells you what is going on. If he still refuses, you need to be prepared to tell him you are not prepared to continue as things are and to walk away. However, make sure he contributes financially towards his child and also, as much as possible, that he stays a hands on father.
People will only treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. Demand to be treated as you deserve because you KNOW you deserve better.
Wishing you all the best. Hugs.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2019):
 Have you told him straight out that you FEEL like there is no relationship, no intimacy and really NO point in being together when all he does is avoid you?
You have to look at what you have with him and decide am I fulfilled here?
Is he a good dad or barely involved?
You can fix a broken relationship without his input and help, but you CAN end it.
Being secretive about his phone doesn't mean much, except he wants privacy to do whatever on it. If you in the past has snooped he might be more inclined to keep it close.
Maybe if you two fought over porn, he keeps it close so you won't see it.
What has happened this last year (besides the porn issue) that has lead to this? Anything stand out?
Think about and talk to him. It's nice that you were checking to see if things bother him or stress him, bow its time to let him know what bothers YOU.
...............................
|
