A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm wanting some advice about a few issues right now and a bit of perhaps on guidance on what to do next or how to make the next decision on the next chapter. I'm currently in a small city in the UK and I've been struggling with mental health issues for a while now. I used to live in a little village with my boyfriend during uni and he broke up with me after finding out 'she wasn't just a friend' - i was devestated and he made me get out of his house within a few hours, packing everything and that was it. To make it worse, my parents moved far away, my childhood pet died and i was struggling at work. Ever since all that, my mental health has really took a turn for the worst and i have months of being up or down. Anyway, i'm now living with my friends and seeing someone new. However our lease is up very soon and i'm not happy at work. My boss has belittled me in so many ways - saying my accent is a barrier to professionalism, promised payrises with promotion - never happened. Saying i should be careful about writing about the sector i work in (i love having an opinion and it helps me get my head out of work) because it looks like i'm unfaithful to the company? Anyway, so i'm ready to leave. and the jobs for my sector are in the capital and very very scarce here. My bf lease is also ending same time as mine just about and he has previously said he wants to come with me, but now says he's not sure it can really happen because the chances of us finding a job simultaniously are slim. I've let him know that i would be willing to adapt around him - for example staying for a few more months in my job to gain more experience to tie loose ends at his current job (and vise versa)i had a conversation with him last night and he now says he doesn't know if he see's a future with me, despite telling me before numerous times he does. I wanted some space after this and he keeps saying he's sorry and he doesn't want to throw anything good away. I don't know what to think. I feel so alone and i'm so scared of being abandoned like before. One other thing we're stuck on is that i'm not close to my family - my parents are both drug abusers (since i was young) and i don't really see them much. Perhaps once or twice a year to keep a relationship going best i can. However, my boyfriend also has an unusual family dynamic - his family don't have any interest in meeting his girlfriends and i don't think this wil change (long story) Of course, i don't want to put my issues of not seeing my family on him in any way, but I just feel weird about holidays for exampe- having a partner but not seeing them or being involved in any way. I also am genuinely struggling at this job especially with my boss the way she is, I feel like I shouldn't speak out anymore or really give my opinion to anything because it isn't valued. I don't feel part of the team at all and i don't know how to make it better for the time i'm still there. Meanwhile, my anxiety and depression i feel is getting heavier and heavier on my down days, and i genuinely just don't know what my next move is. I really have a lot of doubts about moving to the capital because of very high rent and it will be so difficult to save for a house - but the options anywhere else is so limited. The only other option i would consider due to not being close to my family is moving abroad. Eqaully, should I cut off ties with my current boyfriend who sounds like he just doesn't know what he wants?
View related questions:
at work, broke up, my boss Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2019): You seem to allow yourself to become emotionally-dependent on people; and you don't seem to have a developed sense of self and independence. You're having problems at work; maybe because you're not focused enough on what they want from you, while being opinionated.
If they want your opinion, wait to be asked for it. You're making trouble for yourself; because, to put it bluntly...you're all over the place! If your work is as disorganized as your personal-life; that may be your greatest issue with your boss.
Before considering moving anywhere; you have to become established right where you are. Giving-up a job to move when you're on shaky ground with your present job may not get you a very good job-reference. You need to get into therapy and work through your mental-health issues. Take home your work manuals and study them. If necessary, get some additional job-training. Perfect one job at a time. Don't fail at one, and just go to another one.
You consider growth and moving on by others to be "abandonment." Boyfriends aren't forever! You tie everything to your past family-life; which is totally unrelated. Each situation in your life is a matter unto itself. Leave the past in the past, and work on the present.
People will distance themselves from you when they feel you're too dependent and clingy. At your age; most are establishing their careers, running about, and trying to reach their goals. You're indecisive about your future, and don't seem to know how to take on your problems one at a time. You seem to let everything go; until it all overwhelms you. You cling to people for safety, but you're an adult. You have to learn to take care of yourself.
I think you need to get your job and shelter situation under control. You free-fall into your anxiety and depression when people don't stick around to hold you together. You can't live adult-life like that. Self-reliance is the key to survival. Seek help to correct your weaknesses. Get training and education to improve your job-qualifications. Don't look for people to lean on; because you can't support yourself. Anxiety and depression aren't who you are, it is only some part of you. They can also be managed; so you can function from day to day. People will come and go, you still have to live!
Going boyfriend to boyfriend, tangling with your boss, and getting yourself into unstable living-situations. Now you're bordering on homelessness.
You'll have to stay with your job; until you've got a roof over your head. If your boss doesn't like your opinions, then keep them to yourself. She's the boss, not you! Your boyfriend sees all this about you, and he can't carry the extra weight. You're unraveling, and your dependency is becoming burdensome. So he wants to move-on!
It's time to grow-up, and stop using anxiety and depression as your crutch to make people have to carry you. You have to survive, and you will do that by learning to be more independent. Learn to take on a problem, tackle it; then move-on to the next one. Throwing your hands up in defeat; and being depressed, only allows things to go more out-of-control.
Take language classes to improve on your accent, and ask your boss to give you some extra job-training; so you'll do the job better. Keep your mouth shut, and your ears and eyes open at work. If you're not performing on the job as they want you to, don't expect raises and promotions. They're not coming for a reason. If your job-performance isn't your best; that's not the bosses fault! She doesn't have to like you; she has to like your work and job-performance! If you're doing an exceptionally good job; she can't complain or overlook that!
Suffering from anxiety and depression; then relocating to another country? You'll be a homeless bag-lady on the street in no time! I suggest you stay-put, and get your life in order right where you are!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 May 2019):
 Maybe what you REALLY need to do is face your fear and not leave up to your BF to determine your future. Especially if he is a little or lot unsure of the two of you.
So my advice would be:
LOOK for another job - preferably somewhere, where you would LIKE to live. It might take a while but make that YOUR primary goal. If it takes longer then your lease, then look for SHORT term room-mate accommodations.
You shouldn't hold yourself back from finding a new job and a new place to live HINGING on your BF's wishes. He seems rather wishy-washy - which I would take as.. he really isn't looking to move in with you or move away with you either. which means, YOU start to look out for you.
And being SINGLE isn't such a horrific thing. You will at SOME point in your life HAVE to stand on your own two feet. ALL by yourself. And that is a good thing. Yes, it sucks to not have the support of a healthy family which is why being independent is even MORE important to you.
Should you cut ties with your BF? Only you can make that choice. I would however, just stop trying to include him in your future goals, and when you find a new job elsewhere... GO whether he wants to or not. If he doesn't say bye bye and move on. You don't mention how long you have been together so the whole holiday thing is hard to comment on. But I don't think HE or his family is taking the relationship you two have... very serious if they don't care to even meet you and get to know you.
You don't HAVE to live IN the capital either, you can commute. If we are talking London here, the public transport is great. Not all jobs are IN the center either. There might be other larger or smaller cities that has job opportunities for you. THAT is for you to determine. Even moving abroad might be an adventure, NOTHING is saying you HAVE to stay aboard for ages.
As for your job. I don't know what you mean exactly with "sharing your opinion" - you don't really go into details with what your job is and what it is your are trying to do when sharing your opinions. IF it, however, created DRAMA for you or others, I'd keep my opinion to myself and just DO the tasks I'm supposed to do. ALL the while looking for a job elsewhere.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2019): OP, see a therapist before making any decisions. You definitely shouldn’t move in with a new boyfriend, but moving abroad with nothing takes an extremely mentally stable person. You’d also need to do massive amounts of research and it usually takes an awful lot of money. Then you could be stuck over there without the NHS to fall back on if you get mentally or physically ill.
It seems like this new relationship is too new for such serious commitments. That’s probably why he backtracked on the future plans.
...............................
|
