A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I had a baby boy 7 months ago and myself and my partner have argued more since having a baby than we have in the 6 and a half years we’ve been together! I’m really struggling with becoming a mother as I am not very maternal, I also lost my mother (5 years ago) and my grandmother (3 years ago) so I don’t have any motherly figures in my life. My baby is not as well behaved, calm and quiet as everyone says a first born is and I’m struggling to handle him. He isn’t naughty, I just have very short patience when he screams/cries etc and I’m on my own trying to do endless amount of jobs. My partner doesn’t seem to get it and it really frustrates me that he thinks it’s easier than I make out. We are arguing a lot more at the moment, I’d say at least 1-2 times a week and it’s always over our baby boy. I just feel really low and miserable and like I’m such a terrible mum for not knowing what to do. I’m really struggling as I feel like I have no one to turn to. Any advice on how we can work past the arguments?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2020): Does your partner look after the baby some of the time so that you can go out on your own and take a break (do yoga, meditation, go swimming, sit in the sauna, whatever it may be)? If not, insist that he does. He can surely look after the baby a few hours a week for you to get some time out. Then speak with your doctor as there may be some help they can give you. Join a group with other parents and look for help groups online like mumsnet.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 February 2020):
 It's a tale that the first born are calm and easy. Mine certainly wasn't.
She had colic and infant reflux on top of it. It was NOT fun time at all. She didn't sleep through the night until she was 19 months. I rarely got more than 4 hours of sleep in a row, for those 19 months, and then I keep waking up to check in her once she DID sleep though the night to make sure she was breathing... Having your first kid can be quite daunting!
GO see your doctor. You might have a bit of the baby blues as well. Been there done that, too. And if you feel he is very fussy talk it over with your midwife/doctor too.
If you have a midwife doing check up BE honest with her with regard to what you find overwhelming. A midwife is there to help, not judge.
Most 7 months old is NOT naturally calm and quiet. What did work for me (during the day) was baby swimming, she absolutely loved it. We would swim 2-3 times a week for an hour and she would sleep for 3 hours after, every time. In the beginning I would run around and clean those 3 hours, but I learned that I should do some "self-care" instead, like yoga, nap, cup of tea and a book, it really helped. By the way she is 19 now, and a very calm person. Go figure. Oh, and she still loves water. Another thing that worked well was LONG walks in the stroller. That can be more difficult if the weather doesn't allow it, though I would go to the mall for walks more than shopping if the weather was crappy. Museums can be great too.
Singing to your baby, reading and just walking around the house naming things can be a good way to distract a fuzzy one. If you don't have one... GET a rocking chair.
If you all co-sleep (sleep in the same bed) maybe consider getting him in a crib.
Losing your temper with a 7 months old is not good. One of the reason he might be screaming/fuzzy can also be teething. Which I can imagine would hurt. I'd try giving him a teething toy and go sit in a rocking chair (if you have one) if not, just hold him and sway. Even if you feel STRESSED that he is fuzzy, the CALMER you are, the calmer HE will be. They DO pick up on your stress. A BabyBjörn is PERFECT for putting him in while you do chores if he isn't tired enough for a nap.
If ANYONE tells you that having your first baby automatically will make you super maternal and you will know exactly what to do is bullshitting you. We aren't all maternal from the get go. WE learn as we go along.
Also talk to your doctor/ped about food choices. This is a good age (for most babies) to be introduced to solids. I made my own baby food for all 3 of mine, but today there are MANY good, organic and healthy choices that you can buy. Don't feel bad if he doesn't like certain things.
I gave birth to #2 and #3 in Germany and they used tea for babies (not hot mind you) so my two youngest drank a LOT of that instead of juices (that contains sugar) - you can get the Holle baby tea on Amazon (might also find it in some stores, not sure about UK) Or Hipp Fennel tea (German brand) which also was a hit.
A door frame bouncy thing was another hit for us (but a battery operated swing) Worked for all 3. My middle baby who was the CALMEST of the bunch, would fall asleep in 2 minutes flat in the swing when fuzzy.
Lastly, GET out of the house for an hour or two at least once a week. GO for a walk, to the gym or see a friend for a cup of tea. Your partner can watch the little one.
You can do this. But do not be afraid to ASK for help. Talk to your doctor not just about the baby BUT you as well.
I didn't think I would do well at it, but I must have been doing just fine as I have 3 pretty well-adjusted teens.
Chin up mom.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (2 February 2020):
 Oh sweetheart. DEEP BREATH. You are doing great. It might not feel like it but you are. Trust me.
This is the REALITY of having a child. This is why I cringe when I hear about people having a baby "to fix" a relationship. Relationships need to be strong to SURVIVE the addition of a child. It is a stressful time for EVERYONE - the mother, the father, the child and any siblings. It can even put stress on extended family.
You will know this already but it might be worth repeating to yourself over and over when your son is crying: "he is not doing this to be awkward but because it is the only way he currently has to communicate". I am assuming he is in regular contact with health officials (doctor, midwife, etc) and there are no actual health issues which are causing him to cry.
I would strongly recommend joining a mother and baby group for support. There you can exchange experiences with other mothers and they can hopefully reassure you that what you are going through is "normal" and will pass. It will get you out of the house and mixing with adults too, which always helps.
Regarding your partner, are you two still making time for each other? Can someone you trust look after the baby for a couple of hours once every couple of weeks while you two have a date night and reconnect as a couple? This will make you both feel better. Is your partner helping with the baby at all or does he just see this as your "job"? Men often fail to understand the strain of looking after a vulnerable and helpless human being 24/7. When he comes home, get him to run you a bath and have an hour's "me" time while HE keeps an eye on junior. Don't burn yourself out.
Hang in there. It WILL get easier. You are doing great. x
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 February 2020):
 Oh sweetheart. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be KIND to yourself. My kids 17, single mum and I still have days when I think Im a shit parent and have know idea how to handle issues when the arise. So with all my years as a parent..there you go. If only they had a 'Rule' book with all the answers. It can be a huge adjustment for some parents, while other find it easier and circumstances, such as having motherly or fatherly figures for extra support like you mentioned you don't. If you are the primary stay at home parent then my dear you have one of the hardest and most under valued form of non paid employment on earth. Its 24/7 and with no worker entitlements other than maybe catching a break to have one of the several cold coffees you made yourself throughout the day and never got the chance to finish, let alone remember even making them in the first place :)I agree with WiseOwl, be mindful of postpartum depression. Having a baby can take them hormones of ours on a pretty wild ride. I would cry for the silliest reason or sometimes for no reason at all. When my son was first born, it took me until he was 3 months old for me to be able to make any emotional motherly connection to him. I didnt know why I felt like this, was too scared to so much as even mention it to anyone in fear of being judged as a bad mother. I just went through the motion of knowing I had to feed and change this little person but I sure as shit didnt feel like a 'mum'. More like the baby sitter and then like a bolt out of the blue I just 'connected'. It was truely a bizarre feeling. I would like to suggest taking yourself to a mother and baby support group. They provide friendly support if you need it or simply an outlet to be social with other mums. There are too many things to list as to why your baby is unsettled so most defiantly take your concerns to the paediatrician. As for your partner, you guys got to communicate better. If he is working, he will have his own stresses just like you do in your 'job' at home. Discuss what you need form him and offer to do the same for him. Discuss mutual expectations and agree on ways to make it happen. Setting a routine for you, him and bubs, is paramount. Just remember feeling terrible for thinking you are a bad mum is actually you being a good mum. Get rest when you can and eat well, make time for fuelling your body and mind with nutritious food and not fast food crap. Hang in there mum there is light at the end of this tunnel. Sending hugs
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2020): Please talk to your doctor. You may be heading for a bout with postpartum depression. You and your partner aren't getting much sleep; you're scared and insecure about being new parents. In short, you're both overwhelmed with the responsibilities and expectations of parenthood.
You should go online and lookup parenting classes for mothers with new infants. Some cost, and some are free; so you may even have to contact social services, if you and your partner are financially-strapped.
Sweetheart, most new parents learn as they go. If you have aunts, cousins, and friends with kids; they'll help you. You can purchase books and publications for new mothers. You apparently didn't prepare for bringing a child into the world, and I hope I'm not sensing you regret the pregnancy?
Babies happen if you take no precautions or birth-control!
You need to talk to your doctor PRONTO!!! I feel very ill at ease about your response and reaction to the baby's crying. He's a baby, there is no limit on how much they should or shouldn't cry!
Babies can't talk, so they cry; and they are not naughty! Infants need coddling, they get colicky or gas, and need to be burped...surely you know what that is?!! They cry to be changed, to be fed; and when they feel lonely and disoriented. The child is completely dependent on you.
Soon, if not already, you'll be dealing with teething; which is painful for babies. You can get gels to rub on their gums to give them some limited relief. Ask your pediatrician what to do.
Check the babies temperature for fever; make sure you ask your pharmacist for an infant's thermometer. They are simple and easy to use. Check every diaper-change for diaper rash. You have to be vigilant for any indication the child is sick, in pain, or simply needs changing. You should also ask your pediatrician if the milk formula you use is okay (if you don't breastfeed); look for loose stool, or no stool at all. Babies get diarrhea and constipation too! You should consult your doctor. Some babies even become lactose intolerant, and gas and bloating becomes very painful. If the baby is crying more than usual; then take the baby to a clinic to be checked.
Neither of you have ever had a baby before, and screaming and yelling isn't helping anything. I think you need to be telling a doctor what you've come to this site for.
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