A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. This is going to be a big one, I'd appreciate if people don't go too hard on me as I've never spoken to anyone about this before and I feel really depressed about the situation. I'm 27 and I've been with my partner for 9 years, living together for 5. He went through a really bad stage of depression where he had a terrible temper, was in a foul mood 24/7 and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. He would drink all the time, punch the door, and shout and me and bring me down over every little thing. I stayed with him because I didn't know how he would cope if I left. I have to say, he got a lot lot better and has came out of this depression stage, where he now treats me quite well. He looks after me. I work full time but he is very good with money, drives me places I needs to be- just generally looks after me. I feel safe with him. I never had a father figure and my Mum is very poor and can barely support herself. I have a decent job now but it would still be a lot tougher to make it on one income. So a part of me now thinks, i stayed with him because he is my 'security blanket' and a trusted friend. I do love him and care for him deeply, but I feel that love for him is mostly platonic. I should also mention that when he came out of the 'depression stage,' he admitted to kissing another woman on one occasion, going online dating (although he never met anyone) and chatting to a few women online over the course of the relationship. He never slept with anyone though. Well the other part of this story is, I fell deeply in love with someone else about a year ago, a friend/acquaintance, who doesn't like me back (I'm pretty sure he likes another girl, and I think he has guessed I have a crush on him.) He flirted with me on nights out with friends, which probably led me on, but I don't think he is really bothered about me in the romantic sense. It was definitely him that started flirting with me, but for some reason I ended up with feelings then realised it didn't mean anything to him. There was a night out 6 months ago where he chased and flirted with me all night, like he was crazy about me, it made me feel so smitten, but then the next day acted normal like nothing had happened. He sometimes asks me questions like who I have a crush on, and has teased me a few times about other funny topics, but I realise now that he has a lot of female friends and seems quite flirty with all of them. I see everything I aspire to be, inside of him; he is so laid back, cool, funny, everyone likes him and he travels the world. He is the most chill person ever and I just think he is amazing in every way. He hasn't done anything wrong really and it's not his fault he doesn't reciprocate, I realise that. Even talking about him makes my heart ache, I know that it can never happen and I've loved him for about a year now, but nomatter how I've tried, the feelings won't go away. I know it's wrong and I haven't acted on them. I'm in so much pain right now over him. I have to see him a lot during the week, usually every day, and it's so hard to get over him, knowing how many pretty girls are friends with him and he isn't even bothered about me. I should also mention that looks wise, I'm probably more attractive than him and get a lot of male attention. Not that it matters, but this is the first time I've ever felt so rejected and unwanted. I dont think this is about the rejection though, I just feel so heartbroken that my chest aches for him. I can't eat and he is all I can think about. The whole situation is also very embarrassing because he must know how crazy I am about him and yet he just acts his usual, calm chilled cool self. He also never made the effort to follow me on social media, but followed other girls he knows. He doesn't watch any of my online stories or like my pictures, but he does to other girls. I dont want that to sound petty, it's just an observation. This makes me realise even more that something must be missing in my relationship. However I feel like I'm going through a massive heartbreak with my crush already and it already breaks my heart every day.. I don't know how I would cope to leave my partner at the same time, and have no one. My partner is like my best friend, I don't want to tell him this to unnecessarily hurt him... I wish I could just fall back in love with my partner. Having said this, there is a lot missing in my relationship. I'm also afraid that if I do leave, my partner will go back into that bad place he was in. I feel that he loves me still, but has a different way of showing it (he isn't affectionate.) I never talk about him in my outside life, it almost feels like I'm living a double life. I know this all sounds terrible but I really am a good person, I really just want to be with someone I like and be happy together. If I break up with my partner, I have nowhere to go and though I have a good paying job it will be hard for me to support myself financially. I also love his company, even though I don't feel in love with my partner anymore I see him as a best friend and someone i want in my life. I don't know what it would do to me emotionally because I'm already in so much pain over this other guy. I also just got a promotion in work and the job will be a lot harder, so I have a lot going on. When I found out about my partner's online cheating, we initially suggested I stay in a separate room and live together as friends. Does this sound crazy? I was thinking it might be a way of phasing out the relationship to avoid the pain, plus would be much easier for both of our living relationships as the rent is very high where I live and it's hard for one person to live alone supporting themselves. I'm really scared and alone. I also feel like at my age, all my friends have it figured out, they are all in love, getting married and having babies. I feel like I'm moving backwards. Please help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 February 2020):
 You mentioned briefly that this "New Guy" strung you along when flirting with him... So what do you call what you are doing with your BF?
You ARE stringing your BF along. You don't love him. You like him, he is familiar, he helps you but you don't LOVE him. How is that fair to your BF?
The thing is, I think you stopped loving your BF a long time ago, before "New Guy" showed up. I think your BF was a project more than an actual love-match. And he is more or less "fixed" which means... he is not longer interesting in the same sense. You feel for a guy (BF) who TREATED you like shit ( IDGAF about the depression excuse) and now that he treats you well, you set your heart on another guy who have toyed with your emotions for long enough for you to think you "love" him.
New Guy doesn't GIVE a SINGLE F about you, OP. YOU are entertainment. He ENJOYS to get you, a pretty girl, all hot and bothered about him (and Yeah, he knows you are going nuts over him), he also knows that HE can't keep a girl like you happy. Doesn't stop him from playing the Don Juan game with you.
You think he is this interesting and great guy, but ASK yourself, WHAT kind of guy does what he does to you... a girl with a BF who is in a long-term relationship?
You relationship with your BF is dead. It has been for a while, you are just sticking around because he is nice and it's convenient. Let's be honest.
You could find another room-mate situation (preferably a female) and move out. Doesn't mean you couldn't still be friend with your ex if you want him in your life. But don't make EXCUSES like... "rent rent is very high where I live" or "I got a promotion, I have a lot going on".
YOU are NOT being fair to your BF.
You "falling" for someone IS a sign that you aren't fulfilled in your relationship and if THAT "something" you are missing can not be fixed (and I don't think waiting to fall back in love with him is realistic) then you NEED to accept that it IS over.
I don't think living like room mate would be good for EITHER of you. Consider if one of you found someone new? that new person would surely not be too keen dating someone who is living with their ex, not is it fair on the ex (regardless of whether it's him OR you) that has to see the ex be all happy about someone else.
You aren't moving backwards if you break up, you are just not moving (romantically) at the same speed as your friends. So what? Most people don't ALL meet someone, get married, and have babies ALL at the same time, same age. You know this.
Staying with him IS unfair and it IS you stagnating. You rather stagnate than move on?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2020): I am sorry to hear about your problems.
You ask what you should do and I can give you a two-word answer "empower yourself".
You say yourself that you feel insecure, which has influenced your choices.
For one, you stayed with a person who abused you (yes, that's the right word, when you need to walk on eggshells because someone's in a foul mood) because of your low income and self-esteem. You mention your worry for him and I understand that that too played a part. But your insecurity has prompted you to accept things that are not acceptable.
Even now, you stay with someone you don't love because you "have a good paying job it will be hard for me to support myself financially. " and because as you say " I also love his company, even though I don't feel in love with my partner anymore I see him as a best friend and someone i want in my life. I don't know what it would do to me emotionally because I'm already in so much pain over this other guy. "
You are insecure and scared and this is making you selfish. You are leading along your current partner until someone better shows up and falls in love with you, but in your head that's OK because your partner did some very bad things and is no prize by any means.
You think that the guy you are so in love with is better than your partner?
He probably is not, because you are not someone "better". You are still you, and you are making these choices as an unchanged person. You have chosen to nurture feelings for this guy. You are not helpless over your emotions. Some people like to believe in this nonsense because they believe it liberates them from their responsibility.
The man you "fell in love with" is leading you along. He knows that you are not free and yet he wants to make you believe that there is something between you two, then acts normal. He's enjoying you attention. You're boosting his ego. But, yo have projected all the good things on him, because you feel empty and bored and scared.
You yourself are making your life miserable. Until you empower yourself (learn some skills, get a better paying job... what ever you can do by yourself to make yourself feel safe) you will always be looking for someone to "take care of you" and end up in co-dependant relationships where you have to put up with stuff you don't like. In turn you will manipulate your partner just to be able to survive in that relationship.
Have you thought about therapy?
Until you work on yourself you will always make the same choices (even when they do feel different) and end up with the same results.
You observe as the whole situation is under your control. You chose to be with your partner, because you need his support. He serves a purpose. But what happens if something were to happen to him or if he chooses to leave you? You'll still have the same insecurities, but you'll be alone.
There is a way out - work on yourself and learn to be more independent.
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