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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been brought up like an obedient servant by my parents who does everything they ask to, even if it's not something i want to do. They would pressurize me to do it if i denied and it is generally me who has to give up, for they are quite rigid and uncompromising. I have developed low self-esteem as a result and find it hard to say no when people use emotional blackmailing on me. An advice would be useful.
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female
reader, Beverleyj  +, writes (22 July 2007):
I am a 46 year old with two children ages 10 and 15. All of my childhood life I was told like if I wanted a certain job that I would not have the patience or there is not good money involved. One time I had a job offer with the government in Birmingham, Alabama and just because it was in a bad part of town my partents told me not to take it because I would probably be raped or something. I did not take the job. I wanted to be a hairdresser, they said I could not deal with the people, I did not become a hairdresser. I wanted to move out of my home after I graduated and get a job so my father offered to buy me my favorite car at that time so I would stay at home. I eventually had to ,while they were at work get all my stuff out and move and leave them a note. First let me tell you when I was in high school I could not go anywhere with my friends at night like to the mall or Mcdonalds where everyone hung out. If I ever did get to go anywhere when I was in the 11th grade I had to be home by 10:30 and no later. In the 12th grade it was 11:00 no later. I mean not 1 minute late. If I was 5 minutes late my father would be out on the road looking for me and I would be grounded. All my friends could be out till 12:00 with no problem. If I had friends that lived in a run down neighborhood that was not really not bad but just less than where I lived they didnt want me to associate with them because they would probably grow up and work at a gas station or something. If I had any friends they would try to find something wrong with them so they could limit what I did with them. If I ever went to the store when I had my car they would ask me why I had to go and they would give me just enough time to go and get back. If I did not get back in the time that they thought I should I would be in trouble. If I ever made a decision on something if it was not something that they would do it was the wrong decision. If I liked something that they did not like they would not let me listen to it, or have it. They would throw my personal things away that they did not like even if it had meaning to me. So I have lost a lot of things that I was going to keep for memories but just because they did not like it they through it away. Now to tell you how it is now, In 2005 I was living in a neighborhood that was not in the school district where my children were going to school. The principal found out and would not let my child go back to school until they had a letter from the lawyer that my parents had full custody of my children because they lived in the area of the school. My parents and I went to a lawyer and signed a paper for school purposes only but my kids could still live with me for me not to even worry about the piece of paper. They did not mean a thing. They were not taking my kids away from me. My kids were with me until I got involved with a person they did not approve of because of his nationality. He does not do drugs, he has a good job, he is very responsible. My parents now keep my kids away from me at night they are not allowed to spend the night with me even though I live 6 houses up from them and I can only see them at my house when my husband is not at home. Every now and then they will let them come up here when he is here but for the most part I have to go to there house to see them. My kids are torn apart, they love their grandparents and they do take care of them but they only allow them to do what they want them to do when they want them to do it. My son is now eating all the time and I feel that he is doing it to feel the void that he is missing by not being with his mother. My daughter is ok but she still tells me that she is board alot there and wants me to go to their house but I want them to be here. An example we took my son and his 2 children skating one night and we left at 11:00 to go home. My son wanted to spend the night with me so we came on home. My parents told me to drop him off at their house on the way home. Well when they called me and I said we were eating a snack at my house they got mad and drove up here to get him to take him to their house. My son was crying and I was crying. It is not fair for my kids to go through this. How can I stop this and get my kids back because I did not give my kids up only on paper for the school because we were not in the school district. Now i am in the school district and i still can not have my kids with me at night. Please help, give me some hope
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): Hi: I've found that talking or yelling to your parents (as inmature as it may sound) helps a lot. Even if they don't understand. When I feel a certain way I try to let my parents know the way I feel so they would respect me. I totally support the readers who posted that you should seek counseling and stick to it for a while. You'll see that you'll start to see things differently. Parents can destroy our self esteem. Don't feel bad because not everyone will understand this. There are a lot of people who blame it on us. Parents are responsible for a great percent of our self esteem as we grow up. Because is the way that they (and our siblings) treat us what makes us believe who we are. But sometimes what we believe about ourselves is not true, it's just how other people have made us feel. You shouldn't feel guilty about the way some people have manipulated you. It's just the way you've been brought up, but you are intelligent enough to understand it's not right and that you should not tolerate this anymore. You are finally taking control of your life little by little. The first step is to get out of that house and get counseling. It will not happen from one day to another but that's a start. Good Luck!
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male
reader, jmac1344  +, writes (26 April 2007):
 If you're in your 20's its definatley time to stand up to your parents.
Just tell them to face the face you're not a child any more, and that whatever choices you have are yours too make.
They might get pissed but I'm sure they'll come to grips with it.
Also, I bet it would make you feel more confident.
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock +, writes (26 April 2007):
Hi, I had very strict parents growing up. They could be incredibly loving and then verbally abuse you. I am now 33 and my Mum is dead. I don't know what a good parent is, but I wasn't allowed to make mistakes, make decisions on my own and when I left home I made some really poor choices which incidently I still have am reminded about by my family a lot. That is never going to go. I tried for years to prove to my family I was better than they thought and tried to improve my image. When I became a mother, myself, that all didn't matter. I didn't care. It was more important who I was to my child, and I started working on myself and my self-esteem as I am role model to her and I set by example. Sometimes I catch myself because I think I sound just like my Mum and it scares me to death but then I realise that I am human. If you are 22-25 I don't see how your parents have so much control or you feel they have so much control over you. You can stop it by acting responsibily and maturely and they may back off. At the moment they still think you are a little girl because of what you show them. Take a long hard look and evaluate how you are, what you tell them, what you show to them. You an adult and no you don't have to spend your time, revolve your life around them or constantly ask their permission. You can control this. I wouldn't talk to them. I tried on several occasions and still do with my Dad and I hit a brick wall, my Dad is never going to change, you have to prove you are your own person and then they will leave you alone. If they object to what you are doing, you tell them you are an adult who is a responsible and mature person, you know that, maybe they can see it too? The moment you show that you aren't in control or you feel like that little girl again, be strong and tell them you regard yourself in a much better view than what they see you. Hope that helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): Hi There,
I really sympathise with you and think the first poster was very harsh in their comment, so please don't take that to heart, there are people here a little warmer than that!
My advice would be to definately see a therapist or talk to a third party. I don't think that talking to your parents right now would help as you need to distance yourself from these feelings of low self esteem that you at the moment associate with them.
You can definately get past this and feel like the self assured and confident lovely person that you really are. Its very easy for others to say don't blame anyone others for how you feel, but to me it sounds like you are merely identifying your parents as the source of your feelings rather than blaming them, and recognising you have issues is the first step on the road to recovery.
As you start to build a life of your own, and as you move further away from the life that you had with your parents I am sure you will naturally grow and develop socially and personally so please try not to worry too much.
Many people have to overcome terrible things from their childhood and get through it and so will you.
Im sure your parents meant well, and one day you will hopefully look back more fondly on things but for now it's important that you talk to someone about the way you're feeling at the moment and then move on from there. Its sounds as though it would be hard to talk to your parents about these issues, especially if you feel that they haven't taken your feelings into consideration in the past so please do seek councelling, either from a trusted and impartial friend or from a trained councellor.
Best of luck and do drop back and let us know how things go xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): If you have really low self esteem therapy can be really really helpful - no matter who or what caused the low self esteem. There are also some good self-help books. I know there is one called "When I say no, I feel guilty" that is highly recommended by experts and helps you learn how to assert yourself. There can be a lot of damage done by controlling parents, and there can be harm that stays with you forever if you don't learn how to deal with it (an example is the way you are easily "emotionally blackmailed"). Good luck, and do know that there are many people out there who have lived through similar things, you can overcome this!
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
I don't understand what you mean by your parents making you do certain things. Are you sure they weren't just trying to teach you how to become a responsible adult in the future? You don't really go into detail, so I'm not quite sure what to make of your past problem...
Anyway, moving onto how you feel now, I think it would be a good idea to speak with your parents about how your upbrining makes you feel. Try to have a heart-t-heart with them and discuss things (don't argue). Try to find out why they did the things they did and see if they didn't think what they were doing was helping you as opposed to hurting you. Maybe figure out how to make the bond between you stronger and more loving. Perhaps family counseling?
Also, I suggest seeing a counselor to help dig up these problems and try to fix them. Maybe while you're working on things through therapy, you could see about getting an anti-depressant. See what your doctor recommends. It is imperative that you gain self esteem so that you don't allow people to walk all over you. Again, I'm not quite sure how people are emotionally blackmailing you since you didn't really give any details, but gaining some self respect will help you to not allow people to take advantage of and abuse you.
If you're in school, have you sought any counseling that they may provide (most times payment for school counslors are included in tuition)? If you have insurance, then call up your provider or visit their website to see what doctors you could see in your area. (This is for the US, not sure if it works the same in other countries.)
Hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Maybe you could tell your parents how you feel. If it's uncomfortable for you to speak to them about it, then write it in a letter.
If you haven't already moved out of your parents' place, then make arrangements to do so as soon as you can. Make your place a safe zone where you are the most important person, where you set the rules. Make an agreement with yourself that you will not submit to emotional blackmail in your own home.
If your parents don't want to listen to how you feel, then don't listen to them. Change your phone number and "forget" to give them your new number. Give them a designated email adress where they can reach you, if must be. And only read the mails they send when you feel like it.
Try to spend more time with your friends, surely they appreciate you for who you are. Try to find one thing every day that you felt good about doing and write it down. After a while you will see that you are quite good at a lot of things and maybe then you will think better of yourself.
And last, but not least, get yourself into therapy. You shouldn't have to be treated like a servant by your parents.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): My advice would definitely be to stop blaming your parents for all your problems in life. You're 22-25 years old, much too old to let the way your parents treated you ruin your life. It's not like they abused you or anything. Sooner or later you need to make the decision to not let them wreck your life but right now you're using them as an excuse
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