A
female
age
36-40,
*ummyummy123
writes:So my boyfriend who i been on and off with for 3 years now is really special to me. The only thing is my parents just dont approve. When we break up they are so happy an when we are together again they get so angry at me an dont talk to me for a few weeks. They start telling other family members all these lies about him an gettin them to not like him either. I dont know what to do. They even have tried bribing me to get me to dump him.Right now we are on the "off" part an i havent told them cuz he always comes back an i dont wanna get into another fight with them. What if eventually i wanna get married to him? Are they not gonna come to my wedding? They always have said he will never be part of this family. It upsets me, what do u do?
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female
reader, whateveryousay  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 im sorry to say this but i have, too, been in this situation. email me plz i will help u.
A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 HI
Personally mail me. I have been in your situation.
Regards
Sexi
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2008):
 Thank you for the update, that helps a lot. Okay, I don't have children, so I can't speak from a personal persective as a parent, but I did bring home some boyfriends that my parents just didn't like. But my parents managed to keep mum about it and not express their dislike until after I figured out that the guy was not for me. So I have to thank them for that.
I did have a big falling out once with a good girlfriend, and my parents never liked her again, even though we've reconciled and are friends again. I think that once a parent sees their child hurt by someone, they will dislike them because they don't trust that person anymore. They likely don't think that the person can be trusted with having their child's best interests at heart.
So you and your boyfriend have broken up several times and you've been hurt each time. He's also not up to the no-doubt unreachable ideal partner standard that your parents have mentally set for you, their beloved child. He's working and making money but he seems to lack a sense of purpose in life? He's hurt you before, and I suspect they expect that he'll hurt you again, over and over again.
So maybe if you consider it from your parents' perspective you'll understand that they want only the best for you, and this relationship with your boyfriend has caused you a great deal of grief. I think you should have a good long think about it, and look at their points one by one. Then if and when you get back together with him, you can explain your reasons for wanting him in your life.
He does certain things for you, he makes you feel happy, fulfilled, etc. You have to come up with this list yourself, I'm just starting your thinking process on this one for you. You have to show them that you are an adult and have thought carefully and sincerely about their objections to him, and that you have a good answer and a well-thought out position about each one of their points. Do you see where I'm going? You're going to have to work through the issues you have with this man, so that you don't repeat past mistakes with him, and wind up hurt again.
If you do marry him, and you've sorted all these things out, and you know that he won't ever hurt you again (in any major way, I mean) then your parents will come around in time. There are always little ways someone can hurt you, forget a birthday, an anniversary or something inadvertant but not deliberate, if you understand me, but then there are hurtful actions, with intent to harm that cannot be forgiven easily or forgotten.
So I hope this helps you sort things out in your own mind, and then you'll be able to talk about this in a calm, non-confrontational way with your parents. All the best!
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A
female
reader, yummyummy123 +, writes (23 May 2008):
yummyummy123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question well my parents dont like him because we have broken up a few times and they dont like to see me hurt. They say hes lazy and that he doesnt wanna do anything with his life and stuff. He just doesnt know what he wants to do yet. Hes working an earning money so i dont see why it bothers them. Honestly my parents never liked any of the guys i dated... big hair, didnt talk much, just stupid stuff. Its like they dont want me to be happy.
Oh ya an i not lving with my parents... my parents didnt talk to me for a month when they found out we were living together
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (22 May 2008):
I'm also concerned as to why your parents don't like him. Parents don't typically take such a strong dislike to their children's friends or boyfriends/girlfriends unless they perceive that person to be harmful to their child or disrespectful or hurtful to them personally. Yet, once you live on your own, there won't be anything they can say or do about it. But unfortunately, as long as you're an adult living in their house, they're going to have the mindset that you're their little girl "living under their roof," and as such, they will feel a right (even if they're wrong) to butt in your life and relationships. But as long as you live on your own, simply don't talk to them about it, and there's no reason for them to make it their business. If they ask about him, don't go into details. Also, it sounds like repeatedly breaking up might alarm your parents-- when you're in a relationship, even if things aren't going well, or if you break up and think you might get back together, it's important to not say things to your family about that person that might color their perceptions of them, because even if you forgive that person and get back together, your loved ones might not forgive them. I don't know if that applies to you, but just in general, keep in mind that they only want what is best for you. If you believe this guy is what is best for you, then you might have to convince them, and you might have to show them together, that yes, your relationship has problems, but you're working on them, and that he is really a good guy. Good luck to you both.
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A
male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (22 May 2008):
You're legally an adult, and need to make some choices. It sounds like you are not ready to get married - especially since you two are breaking up all the time. You both need to talk to each other and find out why that is happening. A good relationship will be less up and down and more serenely good.
Why don't your parents like him? Is he responsible and caring, or is he just exciting, dangerous and erratic? The second personality can be very attractive to some women, but tends not to be good for the long term. You two might even want to see a counselor to find out why you keep breaking up.
Why are you still at home? If you live on your own, your relationships are your own. Your parents may not like him, but you get to make your own choices, for better and for worse. Do your best and understand your parents' point of view, even if you stay with him. They may see your blind side and knowing it can help you get things together. Whatever you do, don't be with him or not because your parents object. Make a clear choice based on your own real values.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): i think reading your problem your in a very hard situation and i sympathise!
I understand your parents though if i had children or if it was me and i was on and off with a boyfriend for 3 years they must be thinking its not good for you emotionally.
First i think you need to sit with your partner and see if you want to truely make this work or not, then if its a yes sit and talk to your parents and explain this also that you understand there point of view but you are going to try and make this work one more time.
i hope this helps
kirsty123us :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 May 2008):
I have to ask why you think your family doesn't like him? Sometimes parents can be overprotective but they also want to make sure that their children are happy and well-treated by people. Could you explain what he's done to make them spread lies about him?
That will help us give you good advice.
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