A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why is it parents always think there right. I have a boyfriend and I love him very much but they seem to think he's on with me for my money. He doesn't earnt the same amount as me and therefore I pay for pretty much everything but he always says that if he had the money he would be paying for everything.I found out that my mum had been opening my bank statements and seeing how much I spend but like I keep telling her I've over the age of 21 and what and how I spend my money is my business.I don't know what to do - do you think I should stop spending my money on nights out, when we usually go out for a drink I only drink a soft drink because I'm driving. My mum said I'm his meal ticket because as long as I'm arund he will always have enough money to go out with his friends and never take me out but that isn't true at all.Please help, I'm of options on how to handle this.
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female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (2 September 2008):
 I don't think anyone who is using you will admit they are just because they ask.
Your Mom should stay out of your mail though.
You said he was in a lot of debt. What kind of debt is it? If he has problems handling his own money, that is not a good thing either.
I agree if you have to go out to have a relationship, there isn't much of one there.
I wouldn't ask him if he is using you because he isn't going to admit it if he is.
Just try the little experiment for a few weeks.
Stop paying and just spend some time doing free or low cost things like picnics, museums, hiking, staying in watching a dvd etc.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): hi, well from the other side of the coin, i've just left college and am looking for a job, and my boyfriend earns 80.000 a year. he has to pay for pretty much everything at the mo, and perhaps he never raises it because its embarrassing. it is really humiliating to have to ask for money or find yourself at a checkout with not enough cash. i don't really raise the subject with my s/o, because i have hope things will change. next year i'm going to be a teacher and then my bf will earn less than me, because when i have a job, he'll be going back to school then, so it evens out. I guess my bf doesnt mind too much because he knows things are gonna change soon- thats all i would say to you- is this arrangement permanent or is he actively looking to get out of a low wage job? as for your mom opening your statements, well, mine is the same- she always wants to know the deatails of my finances and i'm 27! its really annoying!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Boonridge McPhalify, part of you is right, I have asked my mum to stay out of it and she just said that my business is her business which it isn't.
Maybe I should try and talk to him and out forward my situation and ask him to contribute
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (2 September 2008):
 i think that you are being USED although he is not directly trying to do it but he wont be able to not USE your resources for you two to get along, therefore you are being USED
also what is you nosy mum doing looking through your bank statements (even if her intentions are good she should let you USE your own brain)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks epifanatical, I understand what you mean by power and I hate to admit this but sometimes I do feel a little powerful. I have asked him if its my money he's interested in and he said no. He doesn't earn that much at all and he does spend most of it paying for the debt he has got into, he has never asked to lend money nor have I offered to. I want to ask him again but I don't want to feel like I'm pestering him to give me an answer - he gets paid for when he works and he hasn't had the shifts.
How could I ask him for an answer (does that make sense?)
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot +, writes (2 September 2008):
If you want to find out if he is around for your money, simply stop paying for everything.
Let him pay for what he can afford.
What would he be doing if he was dating someone who make less than him?
Try it and see what happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, he always says that he hates the fact that I have to pay for the majority of things because he said its not fair. He did say the other night that things would have to change on his side (with the money situation) - I have once accused him once of using me (or as my mum says taking advantage of my good nature and he said I got that very wrong and he dosn't ask me to but when I said that if I didn't then we would never go out and what's the point in being in a relationship if we never go out.
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A
female
reader, epifanatical +, writes (2 September 2008):
 huh????... if he had the money?.. hey he may not earn as much as you but he still EARNS something.. why should you pay for everything?.. im sorry but i agree with mom here.. you say you love him.. does he love you the same way?.. coz if he did he would share the financial burdens.. are you that blinded by love not to see that?.. let him pay for things as well.. perhaps theres an underlying issue here.. do you use money to display power?. does it make you feel like you are powerful and in control when you pay?.. have you considered this?..
in this modern day and age.. im all for equality etc.. but fair is fair.. you shouldnt be paying for everything..
he must learn to be fair with this.. can i ask what exactly does he do with his money?.. you say he doesnt use it to go out with his friends.. so what does he do with it?.. hmmm..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): I don't know what yopur mother's situation is, but the thought occurs that she might not be bringing as much money into her household as your father does. If that's the case, you could aske her if she considers your father to be her meal ticket.
And tell her in no uncertain way that she should keep her nose out of your personal business. How would she like it if you went through her bank statements?
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