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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend has betrayed me numerous times in the past by lying to me about who he was with and hiding things about other women. He never did anything with them I don't think but the sneakiness really damaged my trust in him. I wonder if he will ever change and truly be honest and open with me. It has been about 6 months since I last caught him in a lie and he says he is being honest. But we've been together for 4.5 years now and he's been dishonest enough times to really damage our bond. We have a rollercoaster relationship and I am doing my best to trust him again even after all he has put me through, because I do love him. Sometimes we have days at a time where everything seems fine and normal but then I get a feeling of paranoia that maybe he's lying again and we end up fighting. He is frustrated that I don't trust him, and I really really want to trust him but I have a hard time. Is there a secret to this?Onto the real problem. Lately our fights are getting volatile. Today we had a big fight and I slammed the car door shut when I got out of it. He got very mad at me and got out of the car and came towards me and grabbed me by both of my forearms. I struggled to get away but he is stronger than I am and held me very tightly. So I tried to scratch at his arms with my fingers which was futile. I even tried to knee him so he would release me but couldn't do that either. So I ended up with some bruises on my forearms.Hes not abusive and he doesn't hit me but I really hate it when he restrains me like that. And if I do manage to scratch him, he gets mad at me and asks me why I attack him. He doesn't seem to realize that I'd never scratch him if he didn't grab me, that the only reason I do it is so that he'll release me. Once he lets go I stop attacking him. I just hate not having control over my own body. Once I scratched his forearm deep enough to draw blood. This scares me because I am not a violent person and I never intend to hurt him. I tell him not to grab me when he is mad but in the heat of the moment he always does it anyway and then I end up hurting him.What can I do to stop us from fighting so much? How do I trust him again? When we fight how do I stop it from getting physical? I think our emotions get the better of us and we lose our control. I would like to know some techniques to keep my anger and hurt in check, and some techniques to improve our communication and keep things calm during a fight. I want our relationship to survive but it's getting difficult, sometimes I feel like I'm going insane.Help please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): I was in a very similar situation with a man when i was the same age as you. I loved him and didn't want to lose him. I fought to control my emotions but I couldn't because he had just done to much to me to make me not trust him anymore. I wanted to trust him but I just couldn't so I would create arguments which spiralled sometimes into physical fighting (similar to yours). There came a point towards the end of it that I found out I was right not to trust him and believe me female intuition is usually right! I remember before I left him (4yrs down the line) looking at him and just thinking "I don't even like you anymore. You don't make me happy". That day I left him and obviously it took a long time to get over him but I have never really looked back. I now see the relationship for what it was - destructive. Sometimes two people just don't work out together but until you are ready to walk away you will always have an exhausting time with him.
Good luck and I hope you find the strength to go soon x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2008): I am going thru EXACTLY the same thing. If I could post a question it would be this one!! Freaky...My bf actually lifted me off the ground with his arm around my neck.. I wasn´t hurt but it freaked me and him out. And the fights escalate so much that we lose it.. and ea time the level is increasing. I have never been violent or violently abused in my life. I am scared that we will push ea other over the edge. I have started to pull away when we argue, either go for a walk, clean something, or phone a friend just so that i can be a bit calmer when we argue. Also I have noticed that if he does something I am angry at him not only for that but for all the mistrust he put in our relationship so i blow at him for minor things... a website that helped me was http://www.wikihow.com/ForgiveGood luck k?? xx
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