A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, This is a question for my sister. She is turning 21, and having major issues with our parents. They complain of her not acting like an adult, and only thinking of herself.These traits, I see in her, she is decietful and usually will only do something for someone if it benefits herself as well.Though she is not always like this, there are times when she is a very generous person, there has been many times she has cancelled plans with friends to hang out with me because I had no one to be with. (I'm a bit lonely, having trouble with a relationship)I understand where my parents are coming from, I have experienced the lies, known when she was lying etc. I do have sympathy for her because she had to get an abortion on her own, without any help from her bf or my parents. (We both are not very open with our parents, we feel that if we tell them something they will only act as a parent and punish us, rather than as a friend and help us through our problems. I understand that parents only want what is best for their kids, but if your child cannot even come to you for help there is something wrong no?So the abortion, led to her not going to classes (she was taking courses that had many discussions about opinions and numerous times abortion would come up int he classroom, and people would say it was horrible and should be illegal) thus she stopped going to class and lied about it. So now my parents decided she cannot have the "free ride" they initially offered, because of her lies. So she is stuck in a debt paying her own school, her own books, her own car payments, her own gas etc. Now I understand also that she needs to take responsibility sooner or later, she is 20/21 for goodness sake! What I am getting at is that recently my mother decided that after an argument with my sister, she would take away her work clothes (ie hide them somewhere) She has been doing this since we were kids, whenever she is mad she takes something away that she knows we want. The problem is we are both now adults and I am sick of seeing her treat my sister liek this, and also me when I have done nothing wrong. I questioned her on what her logic was behind taking the clothes, because it stops my sister from going to work, thus stopping her from making the payments that my parents are demanding. She replied with "I don't have to justify myself to you" and I simply said, because you know it was stupid, and made absolutely no sense.My question is, how do I get my mother to stop stealing things and use her words to discuss in a mature manner what she is not liking?I think she may have a problem mentally to be honest, whenever she fights with my dad it's like listening to a two year old. She repeats everything back, ex. "Dad: You're not listening to me" "Mother: You're not listening to meee" in a very childish tone. I have been behaving so well lately as to not fall into her traps, but I really want to get out of this house so I don't have to deal with this environment.I'm only 18, and the canadian law I think states you have to be 19 to legally leave a house, but I also take into consideration that I have no expenses here and I am better off staying at home until I find a job after my education (at college). Any opinions on what I should do, or ways I can get my parents mostly my mother to realize we are not little kids anymore and me for the most part does not like living in an environment like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): I feel for you, because I have had the same problem with my own mother for as long as I can remember. When you described how your mother repeats back in a childish voice things that are being said in an argument, it took me right back to when I was 13. I needed advice relating to school issues at the time, she argued with me in this way and then called relatives of mine and told them that I was physically abusing her (it was actually the other way around, when she gets frustrated she lashes out). I am 26 now with a daughter of my own, and unfortunately my mothers mental problems are worse now than ever and I have to support her (her marriage to my father has always been unhappy and I dont speak to him at all).
Thing is, you will be able to move out some day, as I did, and lead your own life, by which time she may realise that she has been pushing you away and may try to make amends. My mother did, but unfortunately now she finds it hard to follow a conversation and has blocked most of the past from her mind, so I cant really reason with her now. Try to learn from the mistakes your parents have made and dont dwell on it forever, it only makes you unhappy. One day you may have a child yourself, and you will remember what happened to you, and know not to allow history to repeat itself.
I hope this helps. Good luck to you for the future.
A
male
reader, Nanook  +, writes (21 October 2008):
When my daughter left home it was the most painful moment of my life; but I can also say it was the day I finally understood she was no longer a child.
In my experience that is pretty much universal; and telling your parents that your mature is no substitute for acting mature.
Your sister probably can't distinguish between not listening to me and not agreeing with me. Understanding that is also a function of maturity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd also like to add one more thing, I have never felt like I had an open-relationship with my mother. I think it affects me now in my own relationships, because I would always see how my friends would act around their mothers, and it was like they were best friends and could share anything. This childish behavior from my mother has stopped me from ever developing that relationship, and because of that I have trouble expressing my emotions in other relationships(ie boyfriends etc) I really hope that any mother's out there will always try and maintain an open relationship, and try to be your daughter's best friend. It's honestly a horrible feeling realizing, at 18 you feel like you barely know your parents and they barely know you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post. You both suggested sitting down and talking with my parents, and also a suggestion that my father needs to get involved. The problem with that one is I have discussed things with them, I have been rational and mature about it. I have even sat alone with my father and discussed how it makes me feel, and he agrees. Although when the moment comes and he needs to step in, he doesn't. Always saying "There is no reasoning with her" which is 100% true. It's diffcult living in a house where the parent is acting like a child, although I have not had a problem for about a year now, I find it difficult to handle her childish tantrams. I have told my dad that maybe she needs to get help, and sometimes he agrees, but when it comes down to it again he never follows through.
Also I might add that she works in a psychiatric mental hospital, dealing with "psycho's" all day, so when she comes home and we all tell her she needs help and she has completely lost it, which she has numerous times, she just denies it. I have almost thought of giving up and just waiting till I can move out, and cutting contact with my parents. Or at least until they begin to act their age.
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A
female
reader, aoeheals  +, writes (21 October 2008):
Sometimes things are better read than spoken. Perhpas print out this page.. or write a letter. Im much more eloquent with a backspace key :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Oh wow...sweety I feel your pain:( I have the same problem with my family and it could be so stressful. Except for me, it's my younger sister (she's 18) that has the problem with my mom but our mom still treats us like we're five year olds! It's hard being the mediator but in this case, you really have to sit down with your mom calmly and maturely (not telling her how "stupid" and "senseless" it is) and explain to her that's it's not ok to hide your things...it doesn't solve anything and make sure you add how she needs to be the bigger person if you or your sister does something that she doesn't like, we all make mistakes. If she doesn't change (and I hope she does) then just rearrange your personal belongings, tell your sister to put her work uniform somewhere your mom might not be able to find it.
As for your sister, she's an adult hun, you can do but so much to change her ways. My sister still tells the dumbest lies and makes the stupidest mistakes that baffle me and I don't know why she does them because she's so smart you know what I mean? Just be there for her and allow her to come to you so that at least she's being honest with somebody who cares about her. Believe me, she's listening. And overall, be strong. You have one year before you can move out on your own but don't look at it as running away from these problems. Once I moved out, they still called me with these issues so believe me, there's no running away lol. To keep a sane mind, don't be afraid to tell them when you don't want to get involved. You need your own peace of mind! Hope this helped:)
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A
female
reader, warmrain +, writes (21 October 2008):
Hi,Sorry to hear that both you and your sister are having this problem with your mother. I'm a mother of 2 kids 22/18 also. I try very hard to have an open relationship with the both of them. Maybe the reason your sister is acting the way she is because he feels she can't talk to your mother, Its very sad that your sister had to have an abortion.. we live in Canada and there are many programs to help.
Your mother is acting like a spoiled child for hiding the clothes. The age here in Canada is 18 to move out, maybe its best that your sister did that because at this point I don't things will get any better. Your mother needs to grow up and talk with both her daughters, so you both can feel comfortable discussing your issues with her. Your father needs to step in and tell your mother what she is doing isn't right! She is only driving her children away.
Please ... try and sit both your parents down and tell them how you both feel and what it's doing to your family.
My thoughts are with you.
Be Strong.. :)
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