A
female
age
30-35,
*oGreen126
writes:Dear Aunties,My parents limit the hours I may text/talk to my boyfriend. my mom won't let me have my phone past 10 on weekdays and 11 on weekends.My boyfriend and I have been together over a year, and I love him. I know I'm only 16 and I know nothing, but he's like a part of me (I know I sound young and immature and dramatic, but that's the best way I know how to put it.) It physically pains me to be away from him. Hence, my desire to be able to contact him whenever, as opposed to having a restriction. I know that my parents' generation had a limit, but that was an era of house phones and paying by minutes. I feel like times have changed, so these curfews should, too. Is it unreasonable for me to want more freedom in that regard? I know I'm spoiled, but I want more time. I feel like while I'm young, every minute is valuable, it only lasts so long, and so the hours I spend laying awake in my bed, aching from separation are pointless. If it's appropriate, how do I discuss this with my parents? I've already negotiated the times back significantly. Is it wrong that I want more time to talk to him?Am I just being a stupid little girl?Every night, when we say goodnight, we always pretend to fall asleep in each others arms, because it's the only way that doesn't hurt so much. One of us has fallen asleep on the shoulder of the other a few times, but we've never gotten to fall asleep together. Is there a way we could present it to our parents that they might consider allowing it?We aren't having sex. We aren't ready (individually or in our relationship) and we know that. I want to wait until marriage for sex. He's supportive of that. I know I've asked a lot of questions; thank you for all help I may receive!--GG
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 I think there are two issues here.
1. It is not YOU who pays the bill - it is your fathers work. There may be issues with this. You see it as being free, but they may have "reasonable use" limits imposed, and perhaps they are worried you are going to go mad? You already think its "free" - nothing is ever free. There will be some sort of contract for the amount that is free. Its better to not abuse the system if you are onto a good thing. We have had a number of questions on DC recently where teenage girls have racked up HUGE phone bills - literally thousands of pounds/dollars.
2. Perhaps your parents feel that letting you have your phone would just be putting temptation in your way.
Can you honestly say if you had your phone with you all the time you wouldnt use it? Or would you be tempted to call/text? Could you go all evening without responding/making a call?
If you are not going to use the phone, why do you need it?
Do your friends spend all their evenings past 10/11pm calling and texting? Probably not.
I understand you think this is unfair and your parents are being mean, but I think they are being sensible.
I get the impression they do not trust you. They cant trust you NOT to use your phone past that time. It doesnt matter what your friends are allowed to do - their parents may not care what they get upto. But your parents DO care, which is why they are doing this.
If you want them to lift the curfew you need to be able to prove to them that you can act like a sensible adult with a mobile phone, and not misuse it. Having a mobile phone is a priviledge, not a right. You dont actually NEED it. Hell, when I was 15 (only 11 years ago), having a mobile phone at that age was almost unheard of! Anyone who had one was considered exceptionally cool! But we got along just fine without them.
Perhaps suggest to your Mum, that you are allowed to keep your phone with you all the time for a trial period say a month, BUT that you will turn it off at 11pm, and not use it. Suggest that she looks at the bill at the end of the month to PROVE that you have not been texting and calling until stupid hours of the morning.
If you can do that, maybe she will reconsider. BUT, you are the one that has to prove you are mature enough. Until she can trust you not to be tempted, then I think what she is doing is for the best. You and your boyfriend need sleep.
A
female
reader, GoGreen126 +, writes (10 May 2010):
GoGreen126 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, thank you. I misunderstood you or something. I'm sorry for the freak-out.
I don't want to talk to him at all hours of the night, I want to have my phone with me. Though I've learned that ultimate terms are bad, ALL of my close friends have that privilege, and I want to know to bring it up with my mom!
My dads firm pays the phone bill. I don't, my mother doesn't, my dad doesn't. It's basically free because he's my phone company's lawyer.
Thank you. I apologize for the misunderstanding,
--GG
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 May 2010):
One other thing - who pays the phone bill?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 May 2010):
OP, I think you took what I said wrong.
Firstly, you never mentioned that it was HIM doing the pressuring to talk. Everything you said was about you missing him.
I just think you need to get a grip and a little perspective on the situation. Just because he stays up past your 10/11 curfew on the phone, does not mean you HAVE to talk to him.
Being with someone isnt about constantly being in communication. You have to get used to the fact that you cannot talk to him all the time. That is just the way life is, for all of us. We all know how much we yearn to hear from someone, but sometimes we have to take what we have.
Most women will probably only hear from their boyfriends once or twice a day, especially if they are going to be seeing them.
All relationships go through patches where you cannot spend as much time with your partner as you would like. We might not like it, but we have to deal with it. This is one of those situations. I feel your Mother is correct on this. From everything you have said, I can see that she thinks you would be up all night talking. If your boyfriend is the one who wants to talk, then he would also suffer. If he has a full time day job, he needs his sleep, and will not be able to do it well if he is tired from staying up till the early morning talking. He may WANT to do that, but it is not the best thing for him.
I feel your Mother knows you better than you know yourself. She can see the pitfalls of this, and is protecting you and him.
Im sorry, you might not like what I have to say, but this is something you are going to have to take on the chin and accept, even if you don't like it or agree with it. No teenagers like rules, but there are some which are actually good for you. This is one of those.
Maybe you need to address your insomnia, then you wouldn't be awake half the night. I also suffer with it, so I know how it feels, but I certainly wouldnt use it as an excuse to talk to my boyfriend at all hours of the day. I would respect the fact that he needed his sleep, and instead of encouraging him to stay up to talk to me - even if he wanted to, I would want him to rest so he could do a good job at work and not be tired. I would hate for him to have a car accident on the way to work because he had only got a few hours sleep. But that is just me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 No accusations,GoGreen26 :)- at most,a word of caution.It is so easy to get swamped in your own emotions- even for much older girls.
Goldengirl1693 : is teenage love always about drama ? I guess so- up to a point. My esperience is recent because my kid is just out of teenage years. In the past few years I have been directly and indirectly involved in a lot of juvenile angst. My kid's, and that of his cousins,his friends,his classmates. Yes, passions run deep- though I can't say I've heard of a kid "aching for the pain " of an
overnight separation. But maybe,it's just an unusual choice of words.
All in all,perhaps this is what your parents'phone rule is for : helping your transition to the world of "teenage lust "to adult life- In adult life you have to set rational priorities, manage your time wisely, control your impulses..you seldom can do whatever feels good just because it feels good. So,try not to be too mad at your parents. And after all,what counts is quality of time,not quantity, right ?
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female
reader, GoGreen126 +, writes (10 May 2010):
GoGreen126 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if I'm reading you wrong, Celtic_tiger, but I was admittedly taken aback by what you said. I'm a kid. I've said that over and over. I called myself "little"--I even went so far as "sophomoric"! There was no adult pretension.
You said that I will be in for a shock when he gets a job... He has a job.
I get increasingly less time with him, and HE'S the one more upset about it. I'm not suffocating him, he says that he wants to talk to me more, not less.
As I said, I've suffered from insomnia for 5 years. I want to make it clear I don't lay awake BECAUSE of him, I lay awake, and then I think about him. He stays up later than 10-11, so he says if I'm up anyway, he'd rather have access to me. I want the same!
I asked a simple question of how to address the issue with my mother, with whom I don't communicate well! That's it! I am fine without hurtful judgement.
Thank you all for trying to help, but please refrain from making weighty assumptions about people? Please? This issue has plagued me all day and I've grown rather upset.
Thank you, and I apologize for the drama. I'm just upset,
--GG
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 May 2010):
She is doing this for your own good. She KNOWS that given half the chance you would be on the phone until who knows when every morning talking with your boyfriend. At 16 you wouldnt know when to stop. Also, she may be worried about the cost. Your friends may be more trustworthy with their phones. Perhaps their parents know they will go to bed at a decent hour and not stay up chatting?
I expect you talk to him all day? All evening? When does it stop? When do you have YOU time? Or are you attached at the hip 24/7?
I am also worried about your attachment to this guy. You say it physically pains you to be apart? This is the musings of a teenage crush. Needing to be in each others company all the time will eventually lead to resentment, as he will want his own space. He might start to think you are being clingy, and guys do not like that.
All mature relationships involve giving the other a bit of time and space for themselves. Its the power of knowing that you can do your own thing, and then come together in a strong union. You dont seem to be able to let him out of sight or contact for more than a couple of hours straight, and that is not healthy.
"It physically pains me to be away from him. Hence, my desire to be able to contact him whenever, as opposed to having a restriction. "
You need to get a grip on this. No relationship will last if you need to be with your partner ALL THE TIME. That is too much, and it will end up suffocating the relationship. It is not unreasonable for you to want to contact your boyfriend without restriction, but the key is to do it in moderation! If you are talking all day, then I think your parents are quite right to give you a limit at night otherwise you would never stop!
If you cant go one night without talking to him, what would you do if he had to go away for a week? Collapse in a temper tantrum because it wasnt fair? Cry your eyes out and die from lonliness? You really need to get a grip on this, and put it into perspective. Its a couple of hours... I mean come on. Its not the end of the world! Most adult relationships involve giving a bit of slack. Most wives and girlfriends would not be harassing their other halves all day, because the menfolk would get quite annoyed. Also work places generally do not approve of it! They probably wouldnt have time to chat, as they are working. If you were working, you would not be allowed to use your phone much. You would get sacked for making too many personal calls on the company time. Its called time wasting. That is what adults have to do - at the moment you are in school and the communication is an essential part of a teenagers life. Every minute detail has to be shared and discussed. In the real adult world, this does not happen. So at some point in the near future you are going to have to deal with the fact that you are not going to be able to talk to your boyfriend for maybe a whole working day, every day he works. That is NORMAL LIFE.
Give the poor boy a break - maybe he actually likes to get a bit of peace and quiet sometimes without you texting, calling and needing to be with him all the time! Maybe he likes to have an early night and get a bit of sleep?
Calm down, and think about this... the more you push him to talk to you all the time, the more likely he is to think its too much and move on to someone else.
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A
female
reader, Goldengirl693 +, writes (9 May 2010):
This is not a case of codependence, ladies, it's called teenage lust. do you forget what it was like to be in love at sixteen? have none of you read romeo and juliet? Of COURSE she wants more time to see her boyfriend, shes young! She sounds dramatic because (in case any of you skipped over that little life-benchmark) teenage love IS dramatic. not unhealthy, and not bad. She asked for advice on a particular question on how to approach her mother about this and whether she should at all. Diagnosing her with incorrect and seemingly folly 'disorders' such as condependence make you look all naive.
In my opinion, I think you should talk to your mom. If she says no, abide by her rules without complainy, maybe she will see you doing so and extend the time limit!
Good luck, love. enjoy your teenage years 3
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Honey i feel for you, but i tell you what" you are so lucky to have this kind of mother. Some mother dont even allow their daughter to have a bf. she is not controling you she just loving you. believe me all of us go through this procedure in life even your mother to her parents. and its normal.
all of us must go to this procedure in life" from first grade in the school till we finish the school. thats the rule in our life. having a bf at this age is not bad" its actually a part of prossecing of growing up. but having a little limit must be on it. Just trust your mother ok" you will be a mother too someday and you will see, you will do the same because you love your children. enjoy the life with a little limit ok".
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A
female
reader, GoGreen126 +, writes (9 May 2010):
GoGreen126 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the advice. I can't say I agree, but in all likelihood, that's just me being a stubborn teenager, so I'll accept what you've said.
I would, however, like to address CindyCares. With one of my exes, I did have a codependence issue. Maybe I've said it wrong here, but I'm NOT condependent. I learned. I changed. I wanted to express to you what my feelings were like. I fell hard, that's all. I think it's perfectly normal to miss a bf, and a physical manifestation is only natural. I did not clarify for you properly that I've had years of insomnia and THAT is why I lay awake. No matter when I go to bed, I can't sleep until 1 am. My parents are fully aware that it's been that way for nearly 5 years.
I'm sorry for being so defensive, but you really struck a nerve. I may be young, but I know what that means, I know the consequences, and I'm pained by the accusation.
In response to Laura1318, I'm not permitted on fb past those deadlines either.
I only asked for help on this one because I know many of my friends may have their phones as long as they like, and I would like to be permitted that luxury. Let me reiterate that I'm a sophomoric little girl. I do want, however, the freedom that all of my friends have.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 May 2010):
I prided myself in being a "cool ",non disciplinarian parent who left her son plenty of freedom as a teenager.
I must say that for me it worked .Now he is 20, he does not drink, smoke or do any drugs - his own choice.
If I were your mom, though, I am afraid I would give you a curfew and limitations too.
Your mom knows your personality well and must have spotted potential trouble here.
Don't get offended please,but you come off as having a tendency to codependence and unhealthy attachments.
Being in love at 16 is natural, but- "it physical pains you to be away from him "??- Too much . You lie awake in bed thinking of him ? And why ? You should not be awake in bed thinking of him, you should be sleeping soundly to refresh your energies in view of another school day. Or if you don't need much sleep, you could use the time to read good books, or listening to good music, or writing your diary...
It's like nothing else other than your romance gives you pleasure or satisfaction- like you can't think of anything else.
Since your parents allow you a reasonable time for communicating with yr bf, your wanting more sounds a bit compulsive to me and maybe your parents feel the same. Love is not obsession. I know you cannot see it in this way, but your parents are actually helping you to learn hoe not tolet your emotions overwhelm you and carry you away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): can't you text him past ten / eleven? To be honest, you have quite a good deal there mate , your parents' enforcement is fair x
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 You could chat on Facebook or talk using Skype on your pc.You should count your blessings that your parents allowed you to talk to each other.
Some very strict parents do not allow that luxury to their kids. They are not even allowed to date.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): The curfew your parents placed on you is not uncommon for parents to enforce. It's to make sure you get your sleep and can slow down to actually get to bed at a decent hour, at your age. I know it seems old fashioned, especially when you're 16 or 17 years old, longing to live like an adult in many ways, but you have good parents who are looking out for you. If they were bad parents they wouldn't care about when you went to bed or what the effects of sleeplessness would be on your body and mind, academically. Please don't push the issue with your parents, because they might decide to make it earlier if you fight it, like mine used to. If my mom said 10 o'clock, I would ask if I could stay out until 11, and then she would say "9:30.. do you want to keep going?" And then I would stop because I knew 9:00 was next and didn't want to make it worse. It's damage control... your mom knows that the more someone is given, the more they will take on top of that, it's only natural.. For example (but not to say you would let this happen, but hypothetically), if your mom let you use your phone until 1 or 2 in the morning, she knows she'll probably be sleeping by then, usually, and won't be able to catch you if you're talking until 3 every night. And then if she catches you still talking an hour after your curfew, she'll take your phone away, but then you'll just find a way to communicate online, say through Facebook, etc. And that extra hour or two will alter your peformance in school, and possibly make it too difficult for you to get up in the morning, for school. You're not being spoiled by feeling this way, but don't fight it, because you are, however, blessed with someone keeping track of you so you don't turn bad or get into trouble like she knows alot of people do when parents don't try to keep limits and curfews on them. Instead, tell your mom thanks for being nice and letting you go on until 10/11. That would be an excellent Mother's Day present. Your mom's not overbearing, just reasonable and caring. One day, if you have kids when you get older, you'll be surprised to find out you learned alot more from your mom than you thought, because you'll still be using alot of the parenting skills she used on you. It's great that you're so close with your b/f, but family always comes first, so honoring your mom should always come first before any b/f's time. Take care, and sorry this was so long. That's another effect of being tired.. you ramble on and on, and trust me, your mom knows that too, parents are always thinking, even if it seems in a teenager's mind like there's no reason for certain rules they give.
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