A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello all :)I am writing seeking some advice from you good people as I have been facing the pain of a breakup for the past 2.5 months now. I have become depressed and mentally unstable through all of this, but am working really hard to become myself again. Especially because I realize it is nearly impossible for a second chance with an "ex", or a fresh start with someone else, if you're still mentally unstable. It's just not healthy or attractive.Let me explain what happened between us.My parents forced a breakup upon us. I am 19 and he is 18, we have been dating for almost a year and a half. They were disappointed when they learned about us being sexually active. They claimed he was controlling me when really in my opinion, he was just caring! Everybody has a different POV, however I had to respect my parent's wishes and end the relationship. We saw each other in school for the past two months since the breakup-each day we talked to find some hope or way to work it out. The only barrier standing between us was our parents. Their values were very different from each other-but I don't believe that was a valid reason to split up two people who are not just "in puppy love" but in a very committed relationship. I tried to reason with my parents but they wouldn't listen. Finally, summer has arrived. My father was coming around, and said he didn't have much respect for my ex (BF) but was willing to help me work things out as he saw how distressed I was over losing him. When I told my ex the news, he said he really wanted to take the summer to think about himself. I kept telling him how much I wished that day wouldn't be the last one we would ever see each other. He tried to reassure me "maybe it won't be!" but with such low self esteem through the breakup, it's hard to believe that.It has been a week exactly since I talked to him or even saw him. I have only gotten sadder. I've taken up the unhealthy habit of checking up on him through instagram which I have now decided to STOP! Because it is only hurting me so much more. He also said he would stay in contact through Google Docs, however I am not comfortable starting a small conversation on there if he basically told me he wanted space.We were the best of friends and so happy in our relationship. It ended very irrationally and sad. We are both heartbroken and not to mention very emotionally drained.Should I try to contact him during the summer through a handwritten letter?Do you think he is moving on?Should I give him more time?I realize we are not dating anymore, but I need to find a way to let go of him if he has already let go of me. How do I find out if he has moved on??Heartbroken and lost,thank you!xx
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (19 May 2016):
 Hello dear, thank you for the explanation. It's sad that your parents thought to end such a relationship when to me, it doesn't seem so harmful. My first love and I were constantly in contact and once spent about 12hours on the phone lol I'm sad to hear you feel broken-hearted over this and I do wish I had better things to say but for now, take it easy. You ex needed space-give it to him. Have you ever heard: "if you love someone, let him fly free and if he returns, he's yours." Basically, let him have his space and freedom and if one day he wakes up and realizes that he's ready, that's great! If not, well, you're young and life offers more than one chance for love. My ex and I broke up and what hurt most was how callous he seemed. We promised we'd still be friends but it hurt that he paid less attention and just seemed so disinterested in me. Years later, we ran into each other and he said that at the time, he had to distract himself and keep distance so he could make sense of things, friendship wasn't easy because he still felt like a boyfriend. Anyway hon, you seem to be a thoughtful young lady, try not to let this affect you too much. You're about to enter a very exciting time in life-enjoy it! Also, your parents may mean well but they cannot rule your life in such a way. You're an adult, a new adult but still. Respectfully let them know that although you love them and understand they are trying to keep you safe, you need room to make your own decisions and also, your own mistakes. How else will you ever learn? I know we'd all like to avoid heartache but if we never experience it, how can we learn about true love and what works or not in relationships.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 May 2016):
 I am a bit baffled , about how in practice your parents
" forced " a break up on you , if you, an 19 y.o. adult , were obviously unwilling to break up.
Well, of course they could have threatened to kick you out to fend for yourself, not one red cent from them, choose : either he or us - but I feel, correct me if I am wrong, that this is an extreme measure which a parent would take only if their kid takes up with a criminal or a drug addict or a person anyway that can seriously jeopardize your future and safety .
Other than that... what do you mean that they forced the break up on you ? That they sat you down and CONVINCED you that dating this boy wasn't such a great idea ? Anyway : sorry to have to put this bee in your bonnet , but, two plus two do not really make four in this narration, and it's rather evident, I wonder if you really could not see that or did not want to see it, so maybe the bee in your bonnet will feel uncomfortable but will be useful.
So : we have a typical Romeo and Juliet story here. You say that " our parents stand between us ", so both sets of parents. Yours do not like him and his do not like you. And strongly enough to have to intervene to separate you, rather than just riding it out hoping that things will die down naturally as it happens so very often when guys and girls go to college , or join the workforce.
So, obviously, you are heartbroken and he is heartbroken too. If it wasn't for your parents' opposition, you'd have a great relationship and you'd still be together with mutual feelings.
Then, something happens- after just 2 months , which felt, no doubt, like forever but it is objectively a very very short time; your father comes around and backpedals on his veto . It's as if Mr. Capuleti said " Ok, Juliet, if you really have to mope around like that... "- a little miracle !
So now the narrative should be like, all's well that ends well. You broke up just 2 months ago, and 2 months ago he was crazyly in love and heartbroken and shocked for having to lose you against his will.
Sentence commuted, previously denied access now reinstated, and he says..... " Uhm. Lemme think about it . Nahhh, I'll take the summer off then maybe, who knows, ... "
WHHAAAT ? Sorry, OP, but don't you think that Romeo flubbed his lines badly ? They give him Juliet with bells and whistles, and he says , thanks, I'll take a rain check ?..... So then he must not have been so taken with you , and not so heartbroken after all ! . Or maybe, he was yet he agrees with his parents that he'll be better off without you. Anyway, he refuses to fight for you one tenth of what you fought for him.
Dear OP, I think you will have to give yourself your own closure. He said he wants space, he said he is taking the summer off for himself- so I don't think you should write him or contact him. Give him a wide berth, that's what he wants, he said it very kindly but nevertheless he said it.
Am I able to assure that he WON'T come back, after the summer? No I am not, I don't have a crystal ball, so even if I have the feeling that he was letting you down easy, never say never, I may be wrong.
Nevertheless, it would be wiser if from now on you'd consider this like a lovely experience, and a closed chapter of your dating life. If you give yourself permission to wait for him to figure out what he wants until this fall, ... then maybe when it's fall you'll decide, well, I'll wait until Xmas, ... and so on and so forth, you'd never move on.
Plus, frankly, why has he got to figure out what he wants ? He should want you- same as you want him, and at the same time you want him. If there's an unbalance of wants, or the timing is off,then the relationship is lopsided and wobbly and will only lead to further grief.
So, my advice is to act and think and feel as if it IS over ; if then by any chance, Sept 21st first day of Autumn, he pops up, hat in hand, to reclaim you, ... and you still feel the same feelings and haven't met another guy, and you are still free and willing, well, then great, you can take it from there. But for the time being, listen to Mom and Dad and call it a day ; it sounds like your parents weren't so far off the mark in seeing something wrong with this guy that may have escaped to your rosy tinted love glasses....
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A
female
reader, BelleRose  +, writes (19 May 2016):
Hello. I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. You need to think of any reasons your parents decided you needed to break up, but the fact your father now supports you getting back together is positive. Being sexually active is not an excuse for your parents to separate you. Secondly you need to take this summer to build yourself back up without him. Try to build up your confidence, find a hobby and go on dates. You need to build yourself up as a person who is confident and independent in herself and her decisions, separate from her parents and any significant other. If you are at high-school or college then you need to know you are on the start of a very long journey of dating and relationships. Building yourself up and loving yourself is important as there will be heartbreaks and bumps along the road. Once you love yourself, and feel independent and assured in your decisions separate from your parents, then you need to address your relationship with him. He may be tired of the drama, and yes that could mean you two don't get back together. Drama is not as romantic as it may seem, whatever romeo and juliet made out. You never know you may have moved on too, seen the negatives your parents identified or want sometime to yourself. If you decide to get back together, you need to explain to your parents your decision and that while you respect their views and love them, you need to make decisions on your own and to learn to follow through with what you think is right. You take responsibility for your decisions and that you love them. Make sure you keep up on your school work and see other friends, and show your boyfriend that you are independent too. If it doesn't work out, there will be other guys out there and your parents will learn to accept your life choices. Chin up and love yourself, it will get better. Love, BR xx
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 May 2016):
 Personally, at 19 I wouldn't dream of insisting that my child break up with his or her partner. I may not like it ,or them, but I feel as though these are decisions and experiences they need to learn and grow from themselves. Hopefully I would have given them the tools to know what a healthy relationship looks like and confidence to walk away from a bad. I think your parents could have approached things differently because it seems to me a difference of opinion is not grounds enough to force you into breaking up. Parents make mistakes, just ask me lol, and I think your dad has come to realise this otherwise if he though this boy was any real threat would he offer to try help you fix things that he and your mum broke? But still, be kind to them :) I dont think your tears are a tool of manipulation- break ups hurt A LOT no matter what age. 2 months is bugger all. My suggestion would be to do as he has asked, give him the time to see where he is at and in the mean time try communication with your parents about why this all had to happen. I mean a proper conversation of listening, acknowledging, taking on board and what to expect should this boy want to resume the relationship as in asking them to trust your judgement. All the best
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (19 May 2016):
 As a parent myself, I would only want you to break up with your boyfriend if I felt that he was bad for you.
This is a crucial part of your life and you need to be focused on your grades and what career your going into.
So if he is hurting that, ie your grades are slipping or your miserable all the time due to arguments with him. Then yes, I wouldn't want you to be with him.
You are very young and have a long time ahead for relationships.
But as I see this, you can really only wit and see what happenes. If your relationship is real, then he will want to be with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2016): Now in defense of your parents, who seem to be characterized as villains in this situation.
You are either a senior in high school, or a freshman in college. If your parents are paying your way, they expect you to focus on your studies, earn good grades; and complete your degree. Your sexual-activity with no prescribed birth-control; raises the risk of you getting pregnant. If not possibly contracting an STD.
I expect you to claim you use condoms every-time; but as I know young people in your age-group. Often you don't, or will take a risk. Chance can be quite vicious. At your age; you're more focused on the sexual and physical aspect of the relationship, than the emotional. Especially, as far as the young man is concerned. He can't get pregnant. He can leave you high and dry if you do.
Most parents base their intervention into a young lady's relationship on the boy, the intensity of that relationship, and how it effects your ambition and school performance. You have a lot of maturing to do. A long way to to in reaching your life-goals, becoming self-supporting, and independent.
If everything is centered around him, and they see signs he is manipulating you; in their wisdom and experience, they will step-in to cool things down. He is stepping back, because he knows they're right; and hopefully out of respect. You can count on the fact that his parents are getting to him as well. Of course, he won't tell you that.
They're reminding him, you might get pregnant; and that may destroy his future. There are two sets of parents in this situation; and both see eye-to-eye.
You'll get over this.
If its tearing you apart as you are indicating, your parents are more than right. You're in way too deep, and this is all you seem to be caring about. They want what's best for you. I will probably be the only one who takes this point of view. I don't care. I have wisdom and experience.
Young-love is full of romanticism and fantasy. It's far more dramatic, than it is real. It takes time for two people to learn how to handle their hormones, emotions, and the depth of their feelings. That's what parents are for.
To be there for guidance, intervention, and prudence.
You are over your head, and your parents are more than right to step-in as they have. Hate me for my response. It might help someone else; if it doesn't help you. Everything they've done is out of love, and for your own good. All you can see is him. That's the problem. You've turned against your parents. Characterizing as cruel, heartless, and totally apathetic. As if they've never been where you are.
They have, that's why they know better. You're trying to manipulate your father with your tears, but your mother has more influence over him. Women see through each other.
In the end, you will be fine. You're being a major drama-queen right now. Hoping to bring your father over to your side. I don't think he's quite ready to be a grandparent; at least not at this point in your life.
Get pregnant watch his reaction.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 May 2016):
 Sweetie he has asked you to give him the summer to have time to himself, so as much as you want to contact him you should give him what he has asked, if he is ready he will contact you, and if he is not well then you need to accept that he has asked for this time.
You are still very young and you have your whole life ahead. Your parents where worried he was controlling, but you say he only cared, can you give some examples off why maybe your parents thought he was controlling? You need to remember your parents are not the enemy here, they love you and they want to ensure that you are making the right choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): They felt he was controlling because he would keep in contact with me a lot. Some saw it as a good thing, meanwhile they say it as a red flag. I didn't mind it-I thought that was a healthy component the the relationship. However I didn't see myself through their eyes.Might I add, (and this is petty on all levels..) but he has stopped liking my photos on instagram. I feel stupid for making that a big deal, but it's a factor. And it's certainly not like him...
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (18 May 2016):
Why did your parents feel he was controlling?
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