A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm unhappily married. My husband cheated a few yrs back, I've since fallen out of love with him, the thought of finding someone else excites me. I'm not going to allow myself into a position where I might cheat, but I'm unsure if I can go through actually getting a divorce. I still have feelings for my husband, he now doesn't want to get a divorce and is trying harder, but I don't have it in me to try hard at it anymore.
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female
reader, BelleRose  +, writes (19 May 2016):
Trust is the basis to a relationship and trying to rebuild this can be a very daunting task. In order to go about this, communication is key. Try talking to him very honestly about how you feel. Tell him that you are struggling to feel comfortable in the marriage and that you are maybe excited by the idea of being with somebody else. Try to be as open as to why you have these feelings: is the reason you want to be with someone else to get back at him, to experience what he had? But also reiterate you still have feelings and you don't want a divorce. You need to tell him that you want to work through this. If this doesn't work, you have two choices. Either go away with a friend or on your own, and do try flirting, maybe kissing other people. Limit this to a long weekend at max, and see how you feel. You may find that it is a fantasy which in reality you don't enjoy. You may find you do in fact still love your husband. Secondly you need to decide why you don't want a divorce. If you love but resent him then try getting marriage counselling. The fact he cheated and is now trying shows he has worked through feelings like this too. You now want to work through them together. So maybe start with some counselling just for you, then attend together. Having a mediator will enable you to communicate and explore the feelings behind you desired indiscretion and his indiscretion together. If it is because you are scared, or because you have children. You need to weigh this up in a very rational and logical sense. You need to think about the health of you, and your children, in the long-run: emotionally and physically, as well as the financial repercussions. An important note is that you need to put a time limit on this. If he cheated a few years ago then he will start to tire of this environment and gradually you may both fall out of love because you keep discussing and resenting. You need to set a time frame and by that time be on the path to happiness again. Try adding in activities you used to enjoy, or sports you like to do together. Go back to date nights and romantic getaways. Put your all into building it back up, if he is trying you need to too. From what you've written I think you can get past this but I would strongly recommend exploring the deeper feelings behind your desires and communicating with him. He is trying and that says a lot about the situation. Good luck. Love, BR xx
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (19 May 2016):
 I think the trial separation is the best option for you. it will answer all the questions you have about whether you want to stay with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! We talked and set up boundaries, we will see if that works for now. I stayed because I do love him and I do want to stay married. But I am still so hurt from his past actions. I trusted him with all my heart and he completely shattered it. It takes a while to get over that hurt. I'm doing my best to make it work. He absolutely does not want a divorce.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2016):
 My question to you is this, why didn't you leave years ago when he cheated? Why stay? You haven't moved past it and I think that is why you have lost "that loving feeling" for him.
So I think you NEED to figure out why you stayed.
Secondly, you need to decide if there is ANYTHING you think that can be done to fix how you feel. Like marriage counseling or whatnot. For some it works, for others (like you) who have already checked out of the marriage there is really only 1 solution and that is a trial separation. Now for that I would suggest you both sit down and talk rules. As in, no DATING other people during this time, no SEX with each other or others. Either agree on some contact or none. And have a set deadline. Like 6 months. After those 6 months you reevaluate how you feel and what next step should be.
Thirdly you need to figure out why you feel you can't go through a divorce. Is it really FAIR on him that you are staying, but you don't love him? Is it FAIR on yourself?
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A
female
reader, greymatter +, writes (19 May 2016):
I could have written this question myself, minus th cheating part. I am right there with you! Solidarity!
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