A
female
age
30-35,
*aded Lights
writes:I live at home still because I am in post secondary and cannot afford to live on my own and I am fortunate enough to be able to live a home for free. But my parents are extremely over protective of me. I have tried sooo many times reasoning with them that I am 19 and can make my own decisions in life and that they have to stop suffocating me with their over protection and treating me like I'm still a child. I know it's because they love me and want to keep me safe, but there's a point when I need to be treated as an adult. It's very frustrating for me and they can't seem to understand.My boyfriend is not exactly the kind of guy my parents would want me to be with. In fact he's in almost every way opposite of who they choose for me. He's older, does drugs, lots of baggage, and the list goes on. But there is much more to him than that but thats all they can see. Anyway, I was terrified to tell me parents about him. My ex bf (and only previous bf) when I finally got the courage to tell them about him, they forbid me from seeing him and it ended in lots of fights and me sneaking out to see him regardless. So with my current bf I had to tell him this about my parents and I know it hurt him but he tried to understand.My plan was to pretend this guy was just my friend so that they would't freak out right away and I invited him over to my house where my parents could meet him. And it all went fine and I was really happy that maybe this would work. But then once he left my parents lectured me for over an hour about how they don't want me to spend anymore time with this guy because he is a bad influence and will get me into bad situations and they emphasized that I am not allowed to ever become closer with him EVER. I asked them how they were even able to assume he was into drugs and other "bad" stuff and they guessed this all just from when they asked where he lived and he told them the truth, which is a rough low income part of town.I had to break the news to him that they don't want me seeing him anymore and I know it really crushed him because he didn't really understand how they could judge him based on that and it made me feel horrible, but again he was very understanding. I am in love with him and I am not going to let my parents stop me from my relationship but now I am forced into making my entire relationship a secret again, and forces me to have t lie about everywhere I go, which is getting increasingly hard to do. If I told them the truth it would not go well right now. They would for sure make me end it. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Is there anyway to possibly get them okay with it? I have no more ideas! Or do I just continue as is in secret (which I know can't last forever, but maybe if I am still involved with him when I finally move out, whenever that is, tell them then when they won't be able to have as much control about when and where I go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): The fact that you consider your parents understandably protective nature towards you to be of more an issue than having this guy as a boyfriends shows just how blind you are to this situation. That's a bit like having a tumour the size of a grapefruit in your body and saying "oh that's not a problem it will be okay but i'm so worried about this little spot on my chin""how he would ever have a chance of beating his addiction if every person came along and removed him from their life because of it."Why do you think no one else will help him? Because the all have the sense and maturity to know better! Lets be blunt here...he is not a victim, he is not falling victim to an illness....he has messed his life up and probably plenty of other peoples too. Now he is expecting you to save him, how original. Im sure it will have a fairy tale ending...not!He is NOT some innocent, defenceless victim who needs a gardien angel. He is a drug addict, a criminal and he is very self destructive. VERY rarely do people like that change, very, very few addicts of cocaine return to a normal life and no alcoholic can ever be a non alcoholic again as they will always have the problem even if they are dry. Do you seriously think this guy is going to say "im down to my last few quid but I really love you so I wont spend it on drugs"? no!!!! His addiction will cause him to steal from you. How long is he likely to hold down a job if he is an alcoholic cocaine addict? Not long. Then it spirals down hill even more. You clearly have a very child like view of the world and a very idealistic attitude if you think this will lead anywhere but to you being hurt and being isolated from your friends and family.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): My daughter is in her mid twenties...when she was 18 or 19 she got involved with a BF who did drugs, had "bad" friends and so on. She cared so much for him, tried to be his saviour and was desperate to be the girl who polished the rough diamond. Her tale was the same as yours pretty much.I was so against this - my intelligent, beautiful, normally sensible daughter spending her evenings in a rough, run down crime ridden estate with drugs, fights and drug dealers around her. She was addement that her BF would never do drugs while she was with him, that he would never cause her any harm, blah blah blah...he did the whole "I'll go to rehab" routine....We fell out big time as I desperately tried to stop her from going down the self destructive path but she was blinded by her love for this guy. She didn't see the reality of the situation, or the cold reality of his problems and just saw what she wanted to see. After three years my lovely daughter was binge drinking, had been talked into trying drugs and ended up being threatened with a knife by a dealer and had lost thousands to this guy. Thankfully she is now back home with me but she isn't the same girl anymore. She swears a lot, drinks a lot, was talked into having explicit tattoos that have limited her appeal to employers and she turned to self harm. All because she tried to save a drug addict who she thought she loved. Oh and he still lives in a grotty flat, as a drug addict, with dodgy, criminal friends and dealers coming around threatening him. My GF messed her young life up, what should have been the best time of her life, trying to help someone who didn't want to help themselves.From your original question and follow ups you do appear very naïve OP im sorry. You don't seem to see the obvious and are clinging to the forlorn hope that this guy, a drug addict, alcoholic with serious issues, is going to change into a happy, wonderful man because your offering him love. Do you think your friends, collegues, family, neighbours or anyone else you have in your life is going to say "now ive got to know this lad he is actually so much more than a junky with a criminal past and a drink problem and I like him and trust him"? im afraid not, they will cut him (and you) out of your life until you have no-one but him.Your BF is a bad person. No ifs and no buts. He has a criminal past, a drug addiction, dodgy friends an alcoholic...and he isnt much past 20 yet!!! Blindly and naively "seeing through/past" these issues and having strong feeling for the part of his personality that made you feel good and helped you is not going to lead to anywhere good im afraid. To be honest you seem heart set on making mistakes for yourself in the hope it will make people take you seriously or make you mature. It wont it will just mess your head and your life up. This guy wants YOU to sort his problems out so that he doesn't have to bother. Classic. Then who will he blame a few months or years down the line? Who will he resent when you've tried to split him up from his drug dealing friends who get him drunk? Please, Please do yourself a favour and start thinking of your own future without an addict in your life. If you were 30 and had lots of experience of relationships than maybe, just maybe, there would be a tiny glimmer of hope of getting somewhere but at your age, with your naivity and lack of maturity and experience you don't stand a chance im sorry.
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reader, Faded Lights +, writes (22 April 2013):
Faded Lights is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, thank you all again for the in depth responses, they are all very thought provoking and for sure making me think harder about my choices. I completely realize that a relationship with this guy is a difficult one and is problems do directly affect me because I am involved in his life. When I first met him and started seeing him these were things I did not know about his life and when he told me everything I had t make a very tough decision whether to stay or leave and after a lot of thinking it over I realized that I do want to try and make this work. I do know getting involved with an addict is not something to just play around with, and while being in love I know causes me to be a bit more naive about it all, it's still my choice and I ask you to please at least respect that.
To answer some of your questions, we are not sexually active (this is a personal choice and he supports that). I do not plan on ever actually getting married but who knows in the future, but im so young that right now thinking about marriage with this guy is really the last thing on my mind. Also, we do not share anything finance wise. We both pay our own way for everything and have both agreed on this aspect of the relationship. And if he ever did steal money from me that would be an end to the relationship because it would end the trust we have with one another. Also, I would never allow him to use drugs in my home. If showed up around me currently on a substance then he knows I would not be okay with that and again it would be a violation of the trust we have we would have to seriously have a talk about how we deal with that. There is one other thing I would like to include though, even before all the relationship stuff ever even happened. My parents have always been extremely over protective and throughout high school I was never allowed to go out ever and now I have a strict curfew and on top of that they constantly call me when I am out with friends to check up on me and if I don't answer they will call the friends I am with. I know it is out of love and they care about my safety but I feel like its not allowing me to even become an adult. My entire life they have watched my every move and prevented me from ever making a mistake. And I have always felt that making mistakes is a good thing and will help you learn. They are trying so hard to make me live this perfect life, they push me very hard in my athletics and academics (which is why I was never allowed to go out in high school because I was in training 24/7 for my athletics because they need me to succeed. And on a side note I do not even like doing my sport anymore because of the stress to do well and train so much but I have to do it still because they have put so much of their lives into getting me to where I am) Drug addiction does tear everyone apart and I know that, and maybe this a completely wrong perspective to look at things with (please correct me if I am wrong) but I don't see how he would ever have a chance of beating his addiction if every person came along and removed him from their life because of it. He'd have no one and how can someone ever in that situation with nobody get help for themselves. You would have no reason to get your life back because no one was there when you were struggling the most. Maybe a relationship with him is not the best but regardless of a relationship or not I want to be there for him when no one else is because hes at a very dark time in his life and needs to know that there are people who care.
"IF you are not paying fair market value for room and board, you live there in their good graces and therefore the rules of their home apply in their home." I do totally agree with this, and this is why I do feel bad about hiding stuff from them while living at home, but at the same time I do think that at my age I still should be allowed a little bit more freedom than I currently have in regards to when I am not actually at home. Right now he is working full time Monday to Friday as well as working weekends on call and at another job part time. He pays for his habit out of his own income. He has some post secondary but he dropped out because financially it was a struggle and he decided that it would be better to work full time and save up money until he can comfortably afford to go back to school. And actually academically he is actually very talented and he breezed through post secondary when he attended with excellent grades. It's just the question now of when or if he decides to actually go back. Right now he is in labor work and making decent money so I think that is definitely making the decision to go back a bit harder because he'd have to quit work and find a part time job that would't pay nearly as much.
I cannot move out at the moment but I have been trying to save up enough money to pay for school first and then my money will go towards moving out. I would never move into a place with my boyfriend until he was clean. I actually had a long discussion with him last night and I have finally convinced him to get professional help.
I do not plan on ever actually getting married to anyone or anything (Im really young so my mind could easily change in the future) so looking for someone who can support me is not a concern of mine because I hope to be able to support myself. The substances are alcohol and cocaine. And again maybe it is just because I am young so I don't have loads of experience but I really, really do like this guy for who he is and he has helped me through a really dark time in my life and I am committed to helping him through his.
Also thank you so much for the links! At the moment I am not able to read them right now but I will for sure read them all when I get a chance. That was really kind of you to link them for me.
Thank you all so much for this! It is really, really helpful for me and it means a lot that you are complete strangers and yet you really care about this, it's so awesome and I want you to know, very appreciated :)
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 Well basically OP since you are 20 you are "legally" an adult and you live in your parents home because they are good folks and allow it.
IF you are not paying fair market value for room and board, you live there in their good graces and therefore the rules of their home apply in their home.
I see your point and understand how you feel. I love an addict. He is an active alcoholic and I find our income goes for his booze... and to repair the things that get broken when he's drunk, or a hotel room to put me in when he's angry and blacked out. BUT I can afford these things and I do not have a future life with children to be had.... I'm probably older than your parents.... if my child came to me and said 'i'm in love with a person just like your husband what should I do?" I would say "RUN as far and as fast as you can"
but you won't. You want to know how to be treated like an adult, well then you have to behave like an adult and take the consequences of your behavior.
your parents do not want you dating him with good reason. He is an ACTIVE addict. IF he was a year or two into recovery then I would wonder what else is going on, but since he is an active addict, I ask you this:
he's 21 is he working? full or part time?
how does he pay for his drugs?
is he in school to better himself? yes? great... how are his grades, how does he afford that? if not, how does he plan to support himself and if he plans to marry an eventual family?
see these are things parents think about... adults too...
so if you want to see him and not lie to your parents you have several options
1. move out and then they don't have any say in your life
2. see him only outside of their home and not tell them where you are going (but if they ask then you must tell them the truth if you do not wish to lie and risk being thrown out of your parents home with no support... where would you go? to live with the drug addict boyfriend in a "rough part of town"? How long after you move in with him before the drug lifestyle starts getting to you do you think?
is he even TRYING to get clean?
Is there anyway to get your parents to approve of you being with a guy who's dropped out of school who is actively doing drugs? Probably not.
so now you have a big adult choice to make. face the music and be with the man who can't support you, who is actively doing drugs (are they illegal drugs?) and who's life style puts you in danger.... or end it with him and move on to someone who will in a few years be more on par where you are.
do you really think in a few years that a drug addict with no formal education is going to be so appealing?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 Dear OP, you miss the point entirely : you can make your own choices , being 20, but your parents do NOT have to respect them, support them or even tolerate them , if they consider it a very bad choice as most reasonable adults would do.
It's their JOB as your parents, but also simply as anybody concerned about you ,like a good friend, to try and convince you to make better choices. If they'd support you and approve you, they'd be uncaring and uninvolved parents . Reason for which, while they can't actually force you to break up with him , if you don't want to be nagged/ criticized / obstaculed in your choice, then you'll have simply to move out.
Why yours is OBJECTIVELY not such a good choice ? Because it is entirely emotional, and entirely about instant gratification. You chose to overlook serious problems only on the strength of feelings, and this is always risky at least.
The main serious problem is that he is currently a drug addict, and "tryng " does not cut it with addictions. Either you are an addict, or an ex addict. In fact, to be precise , either you still behave as an addict, even if a bit less than before, or as an ex addict , which includes a serious, meaningful, constant committment to end the addiction, taking all the necessary steps whatever they may be ( counseling, meds, rehab,etc. ) and taking on board all the struggles and difficulties ( withdrawal symptoms, change of lifestyle, alienation of former friends , etc. ).
It does not sound as your bf is doing any of this ,at least you don't mention it, so, for all intents and purposes, he is not a future ex-addict, he is an addict now. The problem is NOW, not in the past . I could agree with you about his rap sheet, because it's in the past ( to a point, because, as a parent, well, it's natural to think : with so many guys around, why she has to go pick one with a rap sheet ). But what he does now is very much in the present.
Reason for which, not only there is not, at least that I know of, a method to make them respect your choice, but honestly I think you should not even aim to that. As you want the right to choose your partner according your own personal selection criteria, then you should allow them the right to disapprove those criteria and voice their
concerns and objections .
That leaves you two choices until you live at home, either be secretive about your relationship , or come bravely clean about it and deal with parents' disapproval and the inevitable climate of tension. If this relationship is really so important to you, I'd suppose you'd be willing to defend it even at the cost of peace in the family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): "the fact that my boyfriend uses drugs does not mean that he is a bad person or that he will bring me into bad situations or be a bad influence on me. He has a serious addiction he is currently trying to overcome. "Your being naïve OP. People who have serious drug addictions will always hurt those who are closest to them. The fact is that this guy is 20ish and already has a serious drug addiction, has being involved in crime, dropped out of school and has a group of friends who are more likely to involve him in problems and sell him drugs than support him through his problems. "And while that is probably not the ideal person to be with I don't care because I love him for who he is, even if he has made some poor choices."OP you should care!! loving someone is only part of a relationship, we also need our partners to be able to love us, support us emotionally and be a good parent to our children. Passing off his lifestyle as "poor choices" is a little naïve. Men never, ever change, (I am one so I should know LOL) and this guy is more likely to get worse not better. You say you are not asking for advise about your choice of partners and want to know how to smooth things with your parents? Well the simple answer is that your parents are sensible, mature, loving people who are distressed at seeing their daughter getting involved with drug addicts from rough neighbourhoods who have been involved in crime and have dodgy friends who will bring nothing but agro. Do you really think this guy is going to change? give up drugs and meet new, nice friends? grow up and be a good husband and responsible father to your kids? Think about this: if you move out of your parents house and live with this guy then do you really think he wont do drugs around you then if he is an addict? This guy is following the same pattern that so many addicts go through: promising to change, assuring you that he wont do drugs around you or get you involved in bad things....if you live with him he isn't going to go out every time he wants to score and he wont meet his dealers in public out of respect for you he will have dodgy dealers round your house.How do you expect this guy to pay the rent or mortgage if he's a drug addict? Or do you think he will clean up his act and suddenly change into a sensible mature responsible adult rather than a drug addict? Come on! "And I do not think that is disrespecting my parents because I find they are disrespecting me by not allowing me to figure out my life myself when I turn 20 in a couple of days."Look OP you 19 nearly 20, your still very young. Everyone thinks at your age that they are a mature, responsible, experienced adult who is capable of making important decision. When you get older and look back you realize that 19 and 20 year olds are still very young and have a lot to learn. Your parents are trying to protect you from getting your life fucked up. No doubt your BFs parents left him to make his own life choices and look at the situation he is in. If you want to be in a situation where your living with a drug addict, on a crime ridden estate, with his friends causing agro and you being on the receiving end of violence and threats (oh and having being disowened by your parents and paying for your BFs addiction as well as your rent) then go ahead and show us all how "adult" you are....! You seem blind to the obvious OP. You love this guy so that's all that matters? you need to get real and see this situation and relationship for what it really is. If you think "love" will solve his issues then your living in a dream world.
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reader, Faded Lights +, writes (22 April 2013):
Faded Lights is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the feedback! I do appreciate it. I just have a few things to say, I have proved to them that I am responsible and have done a lot to prove that to them. I would like to say also that my boyfriend is only one year older and the way I said it may have been misleading. Also, the fact that my boyfriend uses drugs does not mean that he is a bad person or that he will bring me into bad situations or be a bad influence on me. He has a serious addiction he is currently trying to overcome. And while that is probably not the ideal person to be with I don't care because I love him for who he is, even if he has made some poor choices. He also will never do drugs around me. I am not asking advice about the choices of people I hang around with, I was asking advice on dealing with overbearing parents and possibly advice on how to tell them that I have made the decision to be in a relationship with this person and for them to respect it.iAmHereToHelpYou: The part about adults not having secret relationships is exactly what I am asking advice on, to avoid having to sneak around, because I obviously do not want to have to do that, but I am being forced into having to. And I do not think that is disrespecting my parents because I find they are disrespecting me by not allowing me to figure out my life myself when I turn 20 in a couple of days. As well I am not trying to pass drug use off as no big deal, it is a huge deal, but because of someones past choices in life I am not going to hold that against someone who is really putting in an effort to improve themselves. I realize that you are trying to help, and while I do appreciate that, I find some of the words you chose to be a bit harsh. Calling my choice of boyfriend horrific for instance was a bit insensitive when you only have a few words I said about him to go off of. Yes he uses drugs and the baggage he has is that he is still affected from a terrible upbringing through bad foster home placements. When I said the list goes on I was again probably misleading because by that I meant he lives in a poor neighborhood, as a young teenager he was involved in some minor crime but he is much beyond being involved with stuff like that, some of the people in his life are not the greatest to be around and as well he had to drop out of post secondary because he could not afford it trying to do it all on his own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): All the concerns other and your parents have, do have merit.But at the end of the day, the choice is yours and yours alone.You and you alone know if this is the right thing for you, at this juncture and as a legal adult, there is nothing ANYONE can do other than give you their advice when you ask for it.Being an adult is seeking advice, but making the decision about whether or not you take it. And then dealing with whatever consequences, good or bad, come after.Maybe he is a nice guy, caught up in a dark world he's just trying to survive, or maybe he's a douche who only cares about his next hit.It isn't even about an age difference. It's about whether or not you can make a decision and deal with it.THAT is what makes an adult.I wish you well.Flynn 24
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): Your still very young OP, yes your 19 and legally an adult but your still learning about life, relationships and your self. We all think we are mature, sensible, and experienced adults at 19...only to get older and appreciate how young 21 is! As a parent of a 19 year old I am protective and she hates it BUT I can see her mistakes long before she can and I understand other peoples motives towards her long before she gets hurt. You are in a relationship with a man who is into drugs, has baggage and sound like a guy to avoid. That's hardly sensible or mature OP. You may see past these things to his good traits but I think you need to be realistic about his guy. If you want to be treated as an adult by your parents you need to prove to them that you can make sensible judgements about people, keep your self safe and see people for what they really are not what they want you to see. Your parents see this guy for what he really is: a bad influence, a drug user and an older guy who clearly hasn't got the maturity to form relationships with women his own age.lying to your parents about this guy and your relationship and getting involved with an older man who has a lot of issues and drugs is a bad call. Sounds like your going through a rebellious phase which will make your parents see you as less mature and they fill feel the need to control you further. You might see this BF as having being nice when you get to know him but your parents are old enough and wise enough to know that he is a bad influence and will bring you nothing but trouble. You say: "He's older, does drugs, lots of baggage, and the list goes on. But there is much more to him than that but that's all they can see." I don't think its your parents that are blind here op im sorry. You might love this guy but what kind of future is he going to give you? drugs, issues, etc etc...avoid!
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 April 2013):
So you want your parents to approve and be happy about your involvement with an older guy with lots of " baggage " ( I wonder what that could mean exactly.. ) who does drugs ?.... They would not be parents if they did , they'd be thoughless irresponsible adults who just happen by chance to have coinceved you.
The may have made assumptions on him from his address on the wrong side of the tracks... but, apparently, they guessed exactly right : he DOES drugs , and other objectionable unspecified stuff.
Look, as you say you are 19 , so of legal age to make your choices as imprudent or unwise they might be- just don't expect your parents to give you a round of applauses. if you want to keep playing gangster's moll for a while, that's up to you, and in a way it can be an experience which can teach you a lot, let's hope just not in the hard way, but yes, you will have to be private and discreet , if not downright secretive , until the moment you can move out. Make sure that this mosent comes ASAP - then, you'll be free of any parental control.
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