A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 24 years old. I've got a degree, job and unfortunately for Indian parents a boyfriend.I've tried my hardest to tell them I was in a relationship. I would tell them then the next time they saw me they would act like they had forgotten. Also I thought telling them I was in a serious relationship meant that I was sexual active as well, but yeah nah that wasn't so obvious apparently.My family is quite strange. My mum is born in India but my dad and his whole family have been in NZ for over 100 years.I don't really understand the whole thing. My mum is crying saying I have ruined my life, my boyfriend will leave then no one will have me. Then goes on saying that we should get married. But I want to get married in my own time not when my mums going crazy saying get married.They hate what I studied think I'm getting too old and need to get married then they tell about NZ born Indian boys I should meet. It's just getting crazy I've tried being honest from the beginning, ok I might have done it wrong but I've been trying.Basically I just need some, I don't know, advice or support? I'm independent and don't understand this strange Indian marriage thing. I thought I could be my own person but it looks like I can't? If things don't work out with my boyfriend I know that I can still support myself, it was my desicion to further the relationship if it doesn't work it doesn't mean I've ruined my life. But that is impossible for them to understand. Ok my boyfriend has a couple of issues but to be honest so do a lot of people.Sorry if this sounds like rambling and it doesn't make sense, it just feels like all this drama is over something that is natural.Ok thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): You and your parents are of different cultures. Your parents want you to conform to their culture. that is not being very sensitive to your needs. they may claim that they have your best interests at heart but really their priority is their own comfort of having you conform to their wishes.
I really do not believe your mother's life is going to be 'ruined' because you decide who and when you marry rather than her. She has her narrow world view that anyone who doesn't marry in the timeframe and manner she believes is right, is indeed ruining their lives. If that is her belief, then she can go on believing that, it's her choice. It does not make it true for you.
In the end it is your life. Your marriage will affect you a million times more than it affects your mother no matter how she may feel her life is being 'ruined' by your choices. She's not the one who has to live every day in that marriage, with that person, give up other opportunities for the marriage, and so on. You are. You are the one who has more to gain or lose by your own marriage! therefore no matter how much your mom is wailing about her life being ruined by you not following her wishes, dont' listen to it. Tell her you understand she is very unhappy, and you are sorry that she is so upset but you are going to make your own decision because you have more at stake than she does so it should be your call.
then go on living your life and if your parents want to create and wallow in their drama then let them. they are ruining their own lives, not you.
A
female
reader, golddigger99  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 I'm not Indian, so I don't understand the tradition, but I do have a tiny insight into a similar scenario.
I'm of Mexican-American origin. Typically, you're told to marry within your race, within your religion, young and have kids immediately. Well, that's not the case in the 21st century.
I married an African-American man with Native American heritage who holds citizenship in three different countries. Crazy--right? Well...needless to say, my grandparents weren't to thrilled about this. My grandfather went as far as to say that I shouldn't be marrying out of my race, out of my religion, and that it wasn't right and so on.
Fastforward a few years...and my husband and my grandfather are BEST FRIENDS!!! It's crazy, but sometimes the older generations are stuck in the 'old days' and need a gentle push into the 'current times'.
It took attitude, confidence, and determination on my part to stick with my beliefs. You have to remember, that regardless of how hard your decisions might be for your parents to accept, they'll ALWAYS be your parents. I don't think your parents are disagreeing with your choice of boyfriend necessarily, but simply saying they disagree out of fear of progressing along in this 'new world'. You say that your father has been a resident of NZ all his life, but what is possible is that you are the FIRST person with the guts to explore outside of the small confines of your families traditional values.
Also, if later down the road you decide that you want to marry an Indian man, then that's great too. Don't be afraid that no one will want you like your mother says, because you are definately NOT the first of your kind to experiment and try something new--that I can be sure of!
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A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 You're in tough spot.Sometimes things doesn't turn out as you wish but there's always a solution.
Is there any relatives that you can ask for helping hand? Uncle or aunty or someone else older, to reason it out toward your parents? so they understand what your choice really are instead of forcing their choice to you.
Treat it as discussion, talk openly &calmly. and also PRAY to your religion. All the best
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