A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:im depressed. i am 42 years old and cant seem to maintain a relationship. i am my own worst critic, i just want to post this for support. i think im doing the right thing, but some reinforcement would be greatly appreciated. i met a man 8 months ago on a dating site. we talked on the phone for hours and hours until we met, i was also dating at the time. the more i talked to him, the less i dated, until i made him my priority, and stopped seeing anyone else. we met, and it was magic, omg so deeeeply in love we were. or so i thought...rarely did we miss an evening after work of phone time, for hours on end, and continued to plan seeing each other, spent xmas together, etc. weve had our issues, and ive recently given up. these are some of the reasons:hes still on the dating site even though he claims im the only one, and knows it bothers me. i actually rejoined awhile back, but now have cancelled again.for awhile now things have been going downhill. he puts everything and everyone else before me. he puts me on hold, his roommates (long story here too) are always interrupting our phone time/no privacy. he used to send me sweet emails, he used to call all the time and make time for me/for us, but now hes always busy doing something, never does anything special, and his time for us is less and less. one minute he talks about marriage and moving here, the next minute hes too busy to call. and just recently he told me he never wants to lose me. ive tried and tried to talk to him about it. i once, a couple months ago, blocked him out of my phone for a few days, he was an angel for weeks afterward, but now its back to the same old doormat action. im only there it seems when he "finds" time. he was just here with me for a few days, his roommates called twice to ask for money. i only see him once a month if that and he cant even devote time to me. it was this past weekend, i told him its over, i slept on the couch one night, he slept on the couch another...not very good when youre only sharing a few days together. nonetheless, he said i was being silly, that we shouldnt split up. we talked and i thought we patched things up. he left and travelled back home. he was sposed to call when he got in, he didnt. then he said the next night hed call at a certain time, but was late, then was busy and too tired to talk. i finally had enough right then n' there. im not even mad anymore, i have not even cried, but i am very depressed, and im finding it extremely difficult to do this. i blocked all forms of communication he could have with me, im almost through day 4...i thought it would get easier with time, and ive set mental goals for myself ie; get through the weekend, then through one week, etc. he has made it quite clear through his actions that he does not want me in his life, my mind is fully aware of this, its just my heart that gets in the way. i am writing because i want support, and i dont want to falter on the course of action ive chosen. i dont want to be a doormat. i love him very much, but i KNOW it will ruin me if i keep him. "i would do anything for love, i would do anything for love....but i wont do...that"
View related questions:
depressed, money, roommate, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 good girl xx Don't forget to do something nice for yourself today because you are doing so great and you deserve it.
Many of us women are with you on that path today xxxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for the support aunty em and anonymous....almost through a whole week...im hangin in there
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): Aunty Em's advice is brilliant. Five Stars!
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 April 2012):
WOW!!!! seems like this guy is his own worst enemy...no wonder you feel so pushed out. There is just too much going on and even though the kids should come first, these are adults and should appreciate that he needs a little time for himself.
I think you are swimming against the tide with this and you certainly don't have another option but to end things.
I really do feel for you as none of us can choose who we fall in love with and it doesn't matter how strong that love is, when there is too much baggage in the way, things cannot go further.
Don't regret your decision, you have a huge amount of healing to do in order to recover from this, but it will be for the better...things just wern't working out and you were getting further and further down the priority list (not a great place to be)
Keep your chin up, let emotions wash over you but know what you have done is for the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionnot that any new information matters at this point, but aunty em, you were wondering if he was younger...he is 55. his roommates arent actually just friends....i was trying to stay focussed on what i was writing///there is just so much about this story that breaks my heart. him and his older brother share rent on a house. his brother lives upstairs, he lives downstairs/one bedroom basement suite. he has one daughter that is 18. her mother is an alcoholic, he has been sober over 20 years. he raised her himself. she moved out a year ago, met an older guy, 27/28?and is now pregnant. the bf is a drug addict thats apparently been clean for a couple months now, and is working full time. my ex does not work, he has a disability. well, because the bf got in trouble with the law, they ended up with no place to live...so....my ex let them stay with him. i dont know where he derives such patience, but i can understand how he wants to take care of her. they are his life now, and he answers/jumps to every demand they give. i cant judge that i wouldnt do the same if i had a daughter, in fact, i was pregnant at 17 and living on my own...i understand. but what i WOULDNT do, is let anyone run my life. this is a conscience choice hes made. we have no privacy on the phone until they decide to go to bed. someone is constantly interrupting our conversations. often times he is driving them around all day, at night, for various reasons. they take most of his time. but aside from that, he has things he has to do as well during his days. when i get home from work is the only time i can share with him, but alot of the time we cant because of interruptions. as i said, he was just here for a few days and they were STILL asking him for something. and alot of the time hes exhausted. his brother is upset at his new living arrangements, which also causes stress for him. my ex is passive aggressive, and never says no. he is constantly "doing" for others and i always end up getting the shitty end of the stick, so to speak. i have been very supportive of his decisions, to the point of selling myself short...i have spent hours online looking for a place for them to rent together, i have been there for him when hes stressed, i wait up at night when im tired, to spend time with him, i put up with several interruptions, i try to be his rock. and i was willing to stand beside him through anything. but when everyone takes advantage of his good nature, people rip him off, his friends turn out untrue, his time is given to everyone else...IM the one thats the *&*hole at the end of the day...everyone and everything else first. i have my own issues, and he has nothing left to give...HIS CHOICE. in essence, no matter how much i give to show him i care, he still chooses to treat ME like the doormat while everyone else including himself is priority. i dont care if im second, as long as im treated good...but he doesnt even do that anymore...i only get him at the end of the day when hes tired or stressed, and he makes it sound like its a chore to call me. in fact the last time i talked to him he said this: "i feel guilty if i go to bed now, because you havent had the chance to talk to me" which was just enough to push me over the cliff i was teetering on. i told him before, that i refuse to play the game. im not going to do the same thing back to show him how it feels...ive TOLD him how i feel and to me, thats good enough. i told him id leave before i play that game, which i have. i love him very much, but im not willing to be treated like crap. there are many chapters in this story, i dont plan on healing any time soon, it breaks my heart...but its time to focus on getting myself better before i lose it completely.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): I am in the same situation and am 46 and just out of a 3 year relationship with a guy who fitted me in around his hobby.
I am on day 7 of no contact through my choice and already I know it is going to be ok. Why accept the crumbs of what someone is willing to throw you.
Aunty Em hit the nail on the head.
Change is scary and I hung in there for so long hoping he would change. Now I feel I can put all my energies back into me and my life. With the support and care of my close friends and family I am getting through.
I have my tears and have been so tempted to contact him but just because I miss him it doesn't make him good for me. The same goes for you.
I hit rock bottom but am on the way up now. I was so miserable with him. You sound like you were too.
Be gentle and kind to yourself. There is so much more out there for you. And one day he will just be like all your other ex's - a memory.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 April 2012):
You have my sympathy...it's hard when something ends.
I wonder if this guy is much younger than you. Just a few things you mentioned, him having room mates and the fact it all seems to be so casual for him??
It's hard to be single...and even moreso in later life. We tend to live with dread that we will be alone forever and that 'anyone' is better than 'no one'. It's really easy to get hooked up with someone and build a wealth of dreams and then to see it all come tumbling down around us.
Your guy does seem to be all over the place, giving confusing signals, peeling off, cutting down contact time, being generally unreliable...and there you are, the architect of your own hopes and dreams trying to second guess him and making attempts to stick it all back together again when, in reality, it's not really going to work on your terms...and he doesn't seem to have any terms other than to be casual and confusing.
I think you have absolutely done the right thing by dumping him off. Whichever way you look at it, he isn't ever going to be what you really want and need and it's mainly been a waste of time.
So what to do?...
Number one rule is NO CONTACT!!!...done dusted ended over!!! You cannot move on if you keep making contact. (believe me I have the t-shirt on this one)
Change your number if you have to...it can be very liberating.
Nuber two rule is TAKE CARE OF YOU. If nobody else is loving you right now, then you just have to darn well love yourself. This is the time to seriously spoil and pamper yourself (without raising a national debt crisis).
Long hot baths, facials, pedicures, beautiful food, candles, the odd tub of ben and jerry's, Gorgeous gorgeous lovely you time is the way foward even if you feel depressed. Read, watch movies, sort out your cupboards...but keep busy and give yourself small daily achievable goals that give you a boost.
Now I am not an avocate of jumping in and out of beds but try the online dating thing just for kicks. A few odd dates to distract you, even if you have no intention to get into anything else. I once did this and got thoroughly spoiled for a whole week. Didn't see any of the guys after that week but it made me realise that the world doesn't begin and end with one person...there are many many potentials. (I would also like to add that I am older than you and am now in a happy relationship which I convinced myself during a very depressive phase would never ever happen...I was wrong)
You WILL be ok as long as you don't go backwards. Think of it like trying to run on a broken leg!!! Everytime you go back you are prolonging your healing. These are your darkest days, each day thereafter will gradually get better and better (although I know you cannot feel it yet cos you arn't even a week in)
Give yourself time...and lots of it. Don't make any big decisions and don't even imagine your dating/love life is over...It will only be delayed the longer you hang on to thoughts of your ex.
He is an ex for a very good reason...don't put yourself through it again.
Just keep going xxxx
...............................
|
