A
female
age
36-40,
*aamm
writes:Okay it’s me again I’m getting married in three months and my parents just sat down with me and told me that I should wait because we are not finically stable yet and because we don’t have a professional career. When I first told them about our engagement they were not happy at all up to this day they haven’t congratulated me. My fiancé is someone who is nice he doesn’t drink he is real laid back but he works VERY HARD. My family likes him and we all have a good time together. One thing is that my family likes to talk a lot of smack and he doesn’t take it and he might not give them an answer that they don’t like. My mom tells me that she doesn’t t see me happy and that her friends don’t either, my mom just don’t see that “spark of love” like when you see it in a couple that is truly in love. One thing is for sure that I can’t tell my mom anything about my boyfriend now fiancé because she would just give me negative comments about him so I couldn’t really express my feelings about him. So in our conversation I tell them to truly tell me if I should not get married and they both tell me NO! I spoke with my mom separately and told her please not talk to me in a negative way and to tell me if she really see something that I’m not and she just tells me that it’s not time for me to get married and I should look for someone else who can truly make me happy ! Or just to wait because she doesn’t want to see me suffer. Right now I feel like I don’t want to get married but when I’m close to my fiancé I feel totally in love and that I do want to get married!! Can someone please help me get my mind straight I have no one to talk to my "friends" that are not married and can’t give me any type of advice. I feel very worried is anyone ever finically stable when they first get married???? Should I listen to what my parents are saying? Are my parents seeing something that I’m not that will affect our marriage?????Thank you for your helpSam Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Look your parents have given you their opinion and honestly it just sounds like they're being protective in the normal way but also that they're parents and have always had an idea of what kind of man would be perfect for you and he just doesn't fit the bill.
The "he's not good enough for you" excuse doesn't hold any water to be honest and if they can't give you a more tangible reason then you shouldn't base your decision on what they think. I have a feeling that no matter who you decided to marry they'd see flaw in him, that's just the way parents are.
"Right now I feel like I don’t want to get married but when I’m close to my fiancé I feel totally in love and that I do want to get married!!" Why do you not feel like getting married when he's not around? Contemplate that for a while, because it's very easy to caught up in emotion when you're with him and see only roses and summer meadows but if you're having doubts when he's not around to sweep you of your feet then you have to consider why that is.
You have 3 months to consider this, but nothing your parents have said thusfar is reason to doubt your fiance.
Financial stability is a huge bonus but it's not the be all and end of all.
Look your parents are traditionalists, they see marriage as an unbreakable contract and probably see the man as the bread winner and the woman as the home maker. They see a house, a mortgage and kids after a year or two, white picket fences and complete settlement into marital bliss.
That's not the way life is anymore. Marriage is still a lifelong commitment but it's not the end of life and independence. It doesn't mean you have to change anything about your life nor does it mean you have to buy a house and have kids straight away. All it means is tax breaks, two rings on your fingers, a change in surname and the titles wife and husband. All the rest is up to you.
Unless your parents give you a better more solid reason that's not based simply on what they think is best, then just ignore them, they're only being parents that's what they parents do.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Is anyone financially every stable when they first get married ?...Well, yes. That's why the average age for marriage, at least in Europe, has become so much higher, because people have figured out that "two hearts and a hut " may seriously reduce your chances for a lasting ,successful marriage. We are talking about a reasonable financial stability, - not being filthy rich ,or owning your own house at age 23. But, having a measure of job security, having completed your education/training, at least being on your way to a career which is open to future developments and will offer more than hand-to-mouth living, and having a little savings on your bank account.
Of course this is not a law and people can decide that they want to skip all that , but, at least from a parent's point of view, securing oneselves a reasonable financial stability before marriage makes perfect sense and maybe this is what your parents are really concerned about.
I must say though that it sounds as if there is something more personal in their dislike, and in this case ,go figure. Often certain sensations are irrational and your parents may be hard pressed to explain you exactly why they don't see you two as well matched. Or maybe ,they don't see you as being enough in love and elated about the upcoming wedding, and that rings alarm bells for them.
Regardless of your parent's opinion anyway, that is indeed, an opinion and not an absolute truth,- what matters is what YOU feel about this wedding.
I can't but repeat what I said in my previous post, - marriage is a serious thing and you should feel not only totally convinced about it, but also eager ,enthusiastic,
happy about your decision.
If you don't,- if you have doubts, scruples, hesitations,-
it is safer not rush things and postpone the date until you reach more inner clarity. It could be just a case of
pre-nuptial cold feet , in front of a big life change- and nothing more than that. But even so, better be safe than sorry....
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I, too, feel your parents arent giving you a straight answer and are being dishonest and are withholding their true feelings about the situation because of the sensitivity of the topic, that being marriage. Id be more persistent here in finding out what they are thinking. Logically, yes one should wait to have established a career for marriage so that it provides more stability in the relationship financially and also emotionally. However, I feel your parents may be "masking" what they are trying to say and not giving you the full details of their thoughts. If you ask for honesty, you shouldnt have to pry it out especially from your parents. Good luck with all this.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Is this sort of behaviour in character for your parents? Did any of your siblings go through it?
You've asked your parents outright if they're seeing something you don't and they haven't given you a straight answer. That suggests that their motivation lies elsewhere. It may be that they had very tough financial struggles when they first married and are trying to spare you that. It may be that they can't quite bring themselves to cut the apron strings and see you move on with your life. It may be that your affection for him is so discreet that they're missing the spark that you share. Honestly until they give you a forthright answer you can guess forever.
The only thing that makes sense is that they don't really believe the love you have for him will bring you happiness. So be brutally honest with yourself -- is there anything to that? You can't share anything negative about him with your mother lest it give her ammunition -- is any of the stuff you would tell her serious, or is it just grumpy pre-wedding jitters?
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