A
male
age
41-50,
*ruce lee
writes:I've got a major problem with both my parents. They are acting like wankas. They think just because they brought me into the world and raised me, that I owe them something. Why do parents have this belief that they are "owed something"?My brother and sister don't want to start a family. Neither do I. And my parents have become really sarcastic and nasty because they missed out on what they wanted. They will never be Grandparents.Why are they (my parents) acting this way? And what should I do about it? I'm 33. Surely it is my decision whether or not to start a family! Am I right or wrong? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): Its wrong to live your life for someone else's wishes even if its your own parents. Its also wrong for your parents to "need " you to make certain lifestyle choices for them to feel ok about themselves. Don't feed their dysfunctionality by having kids just to please them. Have kids if it is what you want. If you don't that's perfectly fine and your parents should learn to cope. Suggest to them that they get involved in volunteering to work with disadvantaged children if their hearts are just longing to nurture some young kids. If they have no interest in that yet they want you to produce kids then they have issues they need to work on without you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013): Hello. Before I say anything else, let me say this. I am by no means trying to tell you what to do. I even don't think you should have kids unless you want them. They are very needy and demanding. I desperately wanted children and it was very hard work raising them. I am certain it would have been so much harder if I didn't want kids. That said, I want to try and make you understand what your parents are feeling. I live in fear that I will never have grandchildren. My oldest daughter is 24 chronologically but emotionally more like 12. She has been spoiled by myself in the past and perpetually babied by her father. She still lives at home and finally is working but still doesn't even have a driver's license. She has a boyfriend of 4 years but he is a super mama's boy and still lives at home at 23 and doesn't have a driver's license or any real ambition. My next child is lovely and independent and would make the best mother in the world but is a lesbian. Next is my son who is 17 and probably my only hope of grandchildren, but if he were to have one now I'm sure I'd have to raise it, as he is also about 12 emotionally. Anyway, I'm guessing your parents are feeling like they invested in the future by having children and now their "immortality" is gone. I understand this is silly logically but I'm talking about emotions here. Also, there is the saying "Grandchildren are a parent's reward for not hurting their teenagers". I see my old school friends posting pictures of their grandchildren on FaceBook and feel a little twinge of jealousy sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I should have concentrated more on myself and my career (and maybe not had kids)and I'd at least have some nice digs and get to vacation, etc. (something to show for all my work). I feel like my kids will just go off on their own someday and leave me with nothing. I'm guessing maybe this is how your parents feel too. Please try to be gentle with them; I'm sure they sacrificed a lot for you. Having kids is super expensive and super stressful and super hard work.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): my father was a bit nasty about it too, he even predicted I would never get married , when I expressed my lack of interest in breeding, but it's your decision and it's their prerogative to be nasty, people generally are, when they're frustrated
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Dear Bruce Lee,
I totally respect your desire not to have children. Your follow up clarifies why your parents are “nasty” about it. Your rationale behind why you don’t want kids is mired in depression and self-pity.
I have many friends who are childless by choice. My husband is childless by choice and would not have considered even dating me had my kids not been grown. He did not want children because he DOES NOT LIKE CHILDREN. That’s a great reason.
My son is 26 and at 21 he told me “I don’t want kids” and I asked him why his response was “because I’ll make a lousy parent” The problem is he won’t and his judgment of himself is colored by his depression.
To be honest, if I had known what a big role genetics play in mental health I don’t know that I would have had kids either. It’s not my older son’s fault he’s Autistic. And it’s not my younger son’s fault he has depressive genes. IT IS HIS FAULT THAT HE DOES NOTHING TO CORRECT IT.
I wonder if your parents are nasty about it (as is your perception) because of how you frame your reasoning?
...............................
A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (19 March 2013):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, someone has asked why I don't want to have kids. I could give six or seven reasons. But the main one is that at the end of the day, life is depressing.That's just my opinion. I think life is sad. There are too many negative thoughts that go through my head every day. And like someone said, I am not happy with my childhood either. I know that sounds wimpy. But when I look back at the past, I don't think much of it. People use alcohol and anti-depressants for a reason. And I think it's because life is bloody depressing.Thanks to everyone for their advice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): There are a lot of reasons for not wanting kids. Most people say it's because they don't want "overpopulate the planet" or "they're not ready", but I think the most truthful reason is that a person may not all that impressed with their childhood or their example of parenthood. I'm starting to believe that the biggest flattery a parent can receive is a child repeating their decisions. Depending on your religion or cultural upbringing, you might think having children or having physical proof that you got laid 2 and half times makes you normal...personally I don't think it that means anything. People have kids everyday...sometimes in awful circumstances...sometimes in very privlegded circumstances....neither guarantees a good parent or happy childhood.
I'm 32 and have been going through similar situations lately. While calling my mom up this weekend to chat, I repeated again that I don't want children and mentioned for the first time that my boyfriend has a vasectomy... she again ignored my wishes and proceeded to recount me stories of vasectomy reversals she'd witnessed.(she works in the medical fields)
Recently I went out to a gig with my boyfriend and ran into a friend of his...she immediatley asked us if we were planning on having children. When I said no, she interrogated me about it and concluded (much to my irritation) that I must be "lying" about not wanting kids.
She is a single mom and I believe her when she told me her kids were the best things in her life and they'd saved her life. But when I see a 30 something year old lady at a lounge on her likely one night out a month, obviously exhausted, very drunk, and probably on some other drug, I don't find myself wanting to emulate her.
I have 6 siblings. My boyfriend had 5 and several half siblings. We both know what it's like to fall between the cracks of our parent(s) attention and care. Neither of us has much stomach to even revisit a situation like that, even hypothetically. I suppose that reluctance and the root of it is what my mother refuses to take on and acknowledge.
Your parents may be nasty, but you either have to refuse to take it personally, have a rational conversation and tell them not to take your decisions so personally.... or you just have to be nasty yourself.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): I understand where you coming from, and your parents deffinitely are doing the self a disservice by acting like that. But with that said, I a a mother of. 26 year old daughter. I have her very early in my life and now I'm in my mid 40s. I m not saying that she needs to have a family like I did, but at 26 I wish she at least started thinking in that direction.Her boyfriend is 28. They both are in school for their master degree which they both will finish in a year. My daughter still talks about things she wants to do in life before she has a family, and that include even more to see the world. She was in every continent. Visited more than 40 countries. She already has a good job, and also does her boyfriend. Nothing stops them from having a family. She keeps on telling me that none of her friends her age are having children. Which is true. Tendency is more now for a woman to be at least 30, and a guy even more.I do want grand kids, but the way things are going its a long wait for me. I don't nag her, but I wish she did have baby thoughts at least in a future. She is my only child, but your parents have 3. What is the reason than none of you want to haves family, I wonder.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): Its YOUR life- YOUR decision& dont be guilt tripped in to having kids if you don't want them!
People should not have kids in hope that they will become grandparents! Have kids because you want to raise them& have a part of you but not for any selfish reasons!
My parents are the same- they assume I'll give them grandchildren, despite telling them over & over again I won't! Children are a huge responsibility & a decision not to be made lightly. End of the day if they can't accept it, it's their problem, not yours. Not everyone wants them& that decision needs to be respected.
My friend was pressurised in to having a child by her partner& mother (her mother used the guilt of my friend being alone in life if she didn't have kids) anyway even though my friend does love her son, she admitted that she feels resentment & if she could turn back time would never have had him. That's a brave thing for a woman to admit. I truly believe more women feel like this but are scared to speak out because society says we should have children etc...
Anyway sorry for my rambling. Good luck & ignore your mother!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 March 2013):
 I'm 51, I have a 30 year old daughter and 26 year old son. It doesn't look like either of them are going to have children, although to me they are still rather young, so who knows? My daughter just ended a 13 year marriage, and my son is concentrating on his career.
I don't hassle them about grandchildren because I feel it is their right to have or not have children, not my right to ask them. Its a privilege to me if they have them. It doesn't bother me. I know some parents get really bent out of shape, I don't. I think babies are cute, but if none come into our family..so be it.
It REALLY bothers my ex husband though. He complains about it all the time, every time he sees the kids, from what they say. Maybe its because he is 10 years older than me, I honestly don't know.
The next time your parents bring the subject up, just say "I'm sorry, the subject isn't up for discussion. If things change, I'll certainly let you know." If they won't drop it, then politely leave. They do not have the right to bother you about it. They can hope, dream and wish..but shouldn't be bullying you about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
You are right that you have every right to make the choice whether to have a family or not.
And yet as a NON-grandparent (my kids are not cooperating either) I can understand your parents' pain and disappointment. I would LOVE at least ONE grandbaby to spoil.... I'm probably not getting any either.
Grand kids are the reward for having children and yet we have to learn to respect our kids... but if they have THREE children and no grandkids (and if you are the youngest) I can understand their feelings.
I don't agree they have the right to be nasty...
and if they are, you have the right to not see them.
seriously if you are such an adult, just tell them, "i'm not planning on it, it's NO LONGER a topic of discussion AND if you BRING IT UP AGAIN, I will leave"
then every time they bring it up... YOU LEAVE...even if it's the middle of dinner or you are out.
IF you warn them that you will do it, then you do it consistently (the ONLY response they get from asking about grandkids in a nasty or sarcastic manner is you leaving at the TIME they ASK) they will eventually stop being nasty about it OR you will not see them....
problem solved.
...............................
|
