A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has asked me to move into his house with him. This is not the first time in the last few weeks, this time he said that he felt our relationship had got past just being a relationship and he wanted to take it further. We havent always been stable ( mainly due to his issues with commitment), so this is a big deal for him.However he recently ( only 2 weeks ago), had a wobbler after a small fight we had and nearly went to visit his ex for sex.My home life at the momet is not so good, my parents are in the process of divorce and are at each others throats, and as a result my mother has become heavily reliant on me as an emotional back up, in turn this itself has made me feel hurrendously stressed and this isnt the first instance shes put this kind of pressure on me, and its something i can no longer deal with. I have thought about moving out for a long time but always feel pressured into staying. I dont know what to do, I love my mother immensley but cant cope with the pressure she piles on and feel she would have to deal with things properly if I left, I also love my boyfriend and would love living with him but am a bit concerned i will cause my self even more issues by doing so. Leaving on my own at the moment is not an option as my finances would not stretch that far, and I have no friends willing to share a house. so it's litterally stay at home or move in with him. no other options.
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female
reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 I still think you need to stay with her until you can get financial secure on your own. start saving your money and work a couple part time jobs to bide the time and save, save, save. Start looking for a flat or one room--maybe with an elderly lady who needs company. She would be cheaper bet than dealing with what you're having to do now. Don't end up out on the streets. You don't need that when you have options. I know your mom is going through a bad time; I was in her shoes 3 years ago. My daughter was there for me for years...we held each other up through hard times until my divorce too. We are still close, although she lives with her father now. He can help support her better than I. Long story, but she's going through a divorce (21) herself now. Soooo, we're back at it again.
In the meantime, Do suggest counseling or a preacher/priest/clergy or someone who has a professional background to talk to for you and your mother. She's afraid of being alone and you don't feel like you need to be 'her mother' too. I know, it's hard. She does love you dearly. Remember that and be patient. Your time will come and then she can be strong again for you too.
Keep in touch and hang in there. Gena
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): i think you should move in with your boyfriend
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (25 March 2008):
What a mess...
Both areas need counseling. If you're not mentally stable yourself, you aren't doing either parties any good. You need space, obviously. But, I see where you can't be independant due to financial restraints--at least, for the moment.
I don't think the bf thing is a good move. You KNOW your mother and love her. I think staying with her for now until their divorce is over would be best. DO LET HER KNOW; however, that the option for you to move out is there. Ask if you can join her counseling sessions to help you cope with her issues as well. Team up and work together to get through the divorce.
Your bf has issues regarding unstabilities by falling back to the ex...that's not good for you. If he is patient and understanding, he'll give you space and just date him as you've been doing. Let him know you don't and can't handle pressures at both ends right now. He needs to be mature about it and understanding about your mothers needs and yours.
Good luck and keep in touch. Gena
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy mother's demands are not unreasonable, she is just not standing on her own two feet at all. She cant make a decision on her own, and is constantly leaning on me for emotional support, she is also pretty much suggesting that if I dont continue living with her and do move out that she will not be able to cope. I do understand I have to be there for my parents, but I have been, above and beyond my call of duty, and she now I feel will not cope if I continue to be here 24/7 and under her beck and call, because she doesn't even like it if I go out for an evening sometimes at the moment. I'm reaching an age where yes, I still need and want my mum around but I crave my own space and independance. I may sound ungreatfull, I know shes brought me up the last however many years, and I have put her through hell at points, but in the last few years unfortunatley i have paid my dues back with keeping her afloat. I dont want to upset her, I have tried talking to her about the way things go many times before, she doesn't understand or doesnt listen or both. I really dont want to upset her but I cant carry on living like if I choose to move on my own life im going to let her down, or if I go out or if I do this that or the other, and because of how much she is leaning on me, I am worried its coming to that. As for the boyfriend, your point is more than valid, and given the option and the funding Iwould happily move out on my own.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 I personally think it is best if people live on their own for a bit. If you moved in with him you would go from daughter to wife in one smooth move. Since he takes you in, this makes him the dominant figure, again making you submisive to someone else for shelter.
Then again, perhaps that is the male in me talking, maybe women prefer it this way. (Yuch)
Living on your own allows you to become your own person, to for once make your own decisions, be your own boss. No it don't have to last forever, but if then a relationship doesn't work out at least you won't be afraid of living alone.
Imagine that you move in with this guy and just like your parents marriage it eventually collapses. You could then be a 40yr old woman who never had her own home, paid her own bills. How frightening is that?
There are always options although you may have to wait it out. How unreasonable are your mothers demands anyway, because sometimes kids have to be there for their parents, it is part of growing up. If you can't even cope with the pressure of a mother, how are you going to cope living with a man in his house when you admit he has commitment issues?
Moving in with him will not make your life stress free, your parents will remain in the divorce and you will have to suddenly live 24/7 with a man who almost cheated on you after a fight.
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