A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a little issue - I was raised by my grandmother because I am the 1st born child and both my parents remarried after I was born. I never really had much contact with both of them growing up and actually thought my grandma was my mother until I was 8 yrs old. I am now grown up. I feel like my parents are trying to creep back into my life now that I am successful. They are asking me to buy them stuff. I am so resentful of this because I feel like I don't owe them anything!! My mother is really poor and recently divorced - she lives with my half siblings. I have money, and a lot of it because all I have done is worked and fought to be successful. It tears me apart that I really cannot reach out and be helpful because I feel that they abandoned me. I have a lot of internal issues from not having the foundation they should have given me. I have had to fight for everything I have and do it alone with no support from them. I need to deal with this resentment and anger, today I received an email from my dad asking me to buy a plane ticket for my mom who wants to come and visit him.. he says that it would be "great if he could see her again".. I am so angry! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 Sadly abandoned but not orphaned and placed in the care of your Grandma between; 8-18. Those are the years that shaped you into the courageous person you are now?
Had you been raised by one of your primary parents, how do you think you would have succeeded or turned out? In effect did living with your Grandma give you a better advantage to succeed than that of your half-siblings?
Unfortunately not all things go to plan in life, but it’s how we deal with it, that makes us who we are today. Hopefully we become better people through our own adversity and by learning from our Parents mistakes. Which they do not appear to be perfect, given they’re asking you to buy them stuff, pay for a plane ticket and that one is poor and recently divorced etc.
Frankly it’s unanimous that you do not owe them anything! Yet you have conflicting emotions; a hard time separating these emotions; between helping them which is natural, too being aware of their past record; “them not giving you the foundation that they should have given you”
Had your Parents not separated or one of them taken you with them to be raised along side a Step-parent, maybe your troubles would have been different to date?
Here I believe you owe yourself the freedom to choose your own loyalties, whose side are you on? Personally I’d pick you; as you fought for everything without any support from them which amongst other things contributed to your success!?
I’d also try for a therapy group as mentioned… If you found our responses; lifting a guilty weight off your shoulders… Then you may find that therapy will set you free?
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): Your father if he wants to see your mother should buy a ticket for her, not ask you. What a looser! I understand that not all people strong and good parents, but I also believe that it's shameless to ask anyone like that for any kind of help unless you have no money for food. Airplane ticket? Really? People who have no money don't travel, it's as simple as that. People who don't have any money live on what they have, because what your parents do is called begging. For me it's no difference, but in this case they are begging for hundreds of dollars, not for some change. When my daughter left for college, of course we helped as much as we could, and we would help more as soon as she stayed in school. But then she changed her mind and desided to drop school for a year. She picked a very expensive state for her living as it was so much fun, and then she didn't have enough money to pay the rent. She ended up sleeping in her truck for a few month, taking showers in GYM, and went back to school. I made it veryclear for her that sheis responsible for her own desicions and we were not going to support her expensive mistakes. Your parents lived a life, I assume irresponsibly starting with abandoning you. And now they put you in a position that you feel like this and they have guts to ask financial help from you. If iwere you I would let them know very clearly how you feel, and if they don't stop harassing you for money, cut the contact.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 It is so hard to let something like this go because the unresolved anger comes so easily. But if you want to move past the resentment and anger you must learn to let go. These people stopped being parents long ago. They are just people you used to know. As has been said previously you owe them nothing.
No matter what happens in the future you will feel much better when you detach the biological fact from your emotional response. Work on this as best your can.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 October 2013):
 I agree with CMMP - don't waste your energy on being angry with them, maybe all in all you were better off with your grandmother instead of your selfish parents.(sorry but that is how I see 2 parents who BOTH abandon their child).
But sincerely, I don't feel you owe them a thing. I'm actually a big fan of cutting negative/toxic people out of my life as much as possible.
As for finding a therapist and talk about it, I think it's good to let it all out every now and then. A therapist would be perfect in the sense that is it a stranger who doesn't know or associate with your folks + it's confidential so YOU get an outlet - let all that has been eating you for year out. Once you let it out, you will feel lighter. I didn't believe in therapy either, the first two sessions were horrific for me, I spend most of my time bawling (and I'm not a cry in front of others sort of person) 3rd session was good and the 4 and 5th eyeopening and liberating. So consider it. It doesn't mean anything is WRONG with you, just means it can be helpful to know you ARE allowed the feelings you have, and how to deal with the best.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 October 2013):
What sucks about this, and what makes it really heart breaking, is that many kids feel like there's something wrong with them when their parents abandon them. I have two little ones, and let me tell you that there is nothing in this world that could take them away from me.
Your parents are obviously not great people. They haven't changed, they don't want you, they want what you can give them, even if that means manipulating you.
Don't be angry though... They are just not great people, but it's probably not a choice they make, it's just who they are. Brush your shoulders off and keep an arms length away from their drama. If they want YOU, they know where to find you.
Next time they ask for money or beat around the bush about it, be honest. Tell them they can save up, work more, work harder, whatever. That's what you did. If you need to, just be even more honest and tell them they were never there for you when you needed them so you don't feel any obligation to help them financially.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): Thank you for your responses. I actually cried reading them as it lifted a guilty weight off my shoulders. It's hard to separate feelings when they are so mixed up together. I never talk about this with anyone as I fear the way that talking about it weakens me. The feelings are suffocating.
To honeypie, from 8-18 I was with my grandmother. I appreciate the time you have all taken to share with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): I've read and responded to a lot of posts from people who are dealing with anger and resentment. For the past or present treatment by their parents, siblings, and in-laws.
I read your post, and it is understandable that you feel so insulted by the fact that the only connection your parents can make to you is out of financial need. It is absurd, selfish, crude, and is proof that they haven't changed their ways in all these years. It is also their karma coming full circle for what they have done. They now need you. They're aging. They will soon become aware of their mortality, and face their past. Contemplate their regrets and missed opportunities.
Were it the dire need of food or shelter, it would be inhumane or in-compassionate to allow them to suffer while you know you have the means to help. That isn't the case.
They are simply asking for financial favors. They offer no invitation for a reconciliation, make no offer to reimburse you. They presume they have a right to ask; because they are by coincidence, the egg and sperm donors that resulted in your existence. You have no obligation whatsoever.
I don't believe what you feel is all anger. It's the sense of shame for having the money to do it; but being placed in the position to have to deny them something. Your own parents; who never gave you what you deserved. Something much more important.
Their love, protection, and guidance.
They view you as an electronic teller machine. Not their daughter. They seem unfeeling, and you feel isolated.
There is much that is missing in the story. Whether they had a criminal or drug-addicted pass. If they were under-aged parents, or if they married at a very young age.
They probably made bad decisions, and lived a terrible lifestyle that was not conducive to family-life.
Regardless of all mentioned; the most important element in all of this, is the fact that you didn't come first in their lives.
It's human nature to want to be embraced by our parents.
Their love and approval is what we all live for. Your anger and resentment is justified. However; you're asking for help; because the anger is also draining and consuming.
You feel guilt; because you're a loving and compassionate person. In spite of all the anger; you feel sorry for them.
You are unable to comprehend how they show no need to atone for what they've done, and how they've neglected you.
You're angry; because through all the madness, you still love them. Part of the anger is directed at yourself. For not being able to feel the same insensitivity as they have.
I don't recommend that you give them money. Do not allow them to use you. If your father wants to see your mother, let him find a way. If they're looking for a way to reach out to you, let them discover a better method.
In the meantime; there is something you need to do.
What you need is release. Take the money and purchase your own ticket, and visit your parents idividually. You need to have a face to face discussion with these two people to tell them exactly how you feel. Unload all the pain. Place it on their shoulders. You've carried it by yourself, for far too long.
You need them to know the hostility and anger you've built up over the years, that have you feeling deserted and unloved. They need to know first-hand the damage they have done. Don't allow them to go to the grave without a clue.
You need to give them the third-degree to determine what it is that makes their hearts so calloused, and why they feel deserving of anything from you? Where do they find the nerve?
You need a moment of reckoning. To cleanse your soul of all the weight and anguish you've carried through your struggles. Knowing you have living parents. Being aware of who and where they are; but having no emotional connection that most parents have with their children.
Allow them to tell their story. Listen and learn. Find out who these people are; in order to gain an understanding of who you are, and to free your tortured soul.
Don't allow your life to be weighed-down by anger. You have a right to tell your parents in no uncertain terms how they make you feel. Enlighten them; they know not what they've done.
They think time has erased it all, and you've forgotten.
They need a rude-awakening. They need to experience and share the pain they've caused you. This will give them the opportunity to relive the past. To offer you answers. It may even open unlock secrets that they've held back about their own parents, the past, and how they grew up. You need an understanding.
It isn't all anger you're feeling. You want to know, why???
I mean talk, not attacks. Not rage-driven abuse. I mean frank, direct, and honest talk. Knowledge is freedom.
Whenever they ask for something, offer them your time instead. Don't tell them when you're coming. Give them no opportunity to avoid you. They owe you far too much.
There is no mystical or magical way to erase your pain.
However; talking to these two people, and getting it off your chest will be liberating beyond words.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (24 October 2013):
 You are entitled to your anger. Don't feel guilty about it, own it. You are where you are today despite these people. When they ask you for money, "get a job" is a perfectly reasonable response.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 October 2013):
 The issue is that they don't want your help to see you. It's a further slap in your face that they weren't reaching out to you, but merely wanted to use you to better their own lives without you. I wouldn't be happy either with their request.
As a mom myself, I would have rather died than not be there for my son. I don't feel automatically owed because I gave birth to him because he never asked to be born. In fact, I don't feel "owed" at all, because everything I do is from love, and I know that even in his teenage years, he returns that love back.
You have the right to refuse. I actually recommend that not only do you refuse, but you be honest with them for the first time in your life about how you feel. If it's your father asking you for money, tell him what his abandonment did to you, and that his wanting to use you as a cash source only picks at that scab in your heart towards them and underscores your opinion that they disdain you as a person.
You have a right to that anger. They are deserving of it. However, having that anger damages you as well if you continue to nurture it. It's understandable that their request stokes that up, but you must have the upper hand over that anger, because it has a corrosive effect on your very soul. Talking to someone about it on a regular basis could help you overcome it.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (24 October 2013):
 If you were not rich and successful, would your parents be contacting you? Are they reaching out to you because they want to get to know you again, or are they using their bloodline to coerce you into buying them stuff?
You don't owe them a thing. I think they should prove their sincerity before they can get anything from you. If your dad wants to see your mom, let him pay for the ticket. They may be testing the waters with you to find out if you're gullible enough to buy them anything they want, just because they gave birth to you. If they can't afford to see each other in person, tell them to skype.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): Hi, I can relate with you. I have learnt to make peace and accept that I cannot change what they do or how they feel. But what I also realised if I was not brought up in that way, I would not have become successful. So in way they did me favour because I had to fight for everything and became strong was driven to achieve success so I never have to depend on anyone.
I however decided that to make me a better person, I help my siblings get off their feet and start businesses and yes I also do what ever I can to help my parents. At the end of the day they are still my parents. I do not condone what they did but also know that people react differently in different situations and we are all not perfect. In my way I get satisfaction from helping others.
YOu need to let go the anger and accept you cannot change the past and cannot change who they are. Being bitter and angry used to even affect my work life until I let it go and wholehearted started giving. Hope you get there.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2013):
I think you have every right for you anger. I would be pissed off myself if my parents treated me that way.
Here is my question, do you WANT to get to know them? Do you want them in your life?
If you do, I would talk to them about that but also be firm and tell them that you will NOT finance their lives. Because once you start, I don't think it will stop.
If you don't them consider cutting them out of your life while you work on the issues you have with them leaving you.
Have you talked to a therapist about your abandonment issues? Because they might end up holding you back in life. (not work-wise you seem fine) but in your personal life.
From you were 8 to 18 where did you live?
YOU don't OWE them anything. It's really up to you if you feel like they are just using you, or if that is the only way they know how to be with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): your parents never took care of you and yet expect you to take care of them... i'd say cut them out of your life or minimize contact if you dont feel they are bringing anything positive or you feel stressed out/sucked out of your energy every time they contact you . i was never in this position so maybe im talking out of my ass, but i had to slowly diminish contact with my own mother because everytime i'd see/talk to her she would just always criticise me and when i look back to childhood her comments etc made me a very insecure low self esteem person and the less contact i have with her, the happier and a better person i feel i am in life. i think what im trying to say is that its not because someone is necessarily blood related that they want whats best for you and you have to include them in your life if you feel they are dragging you down.
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