A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear community,there is a big problem that is really really bothering me. First of all, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 6 months now, and from all I can tell we're both pretty happy with each other.Everything should be perfect but there is this one concern. Last week, she started chatting with her ex-boyfriend (who I absolutely hate due to the things he did to her in their relationship that lasted three years). As soon as I read his name on her phone, I go mad. I simply can't stand the fact that my girlfriend tries to reestablish their friendship after she told me how much of an asshole he was, that she would love to never hear from him again and that he simply annoyed her.If that's not enough, he keeps asking for some kind of meeting, whether it's in a resturant or going out for a coffee. My girlfriend liked the idea and that drived me crazy. After I talked to her about it, it resulted in a huge discussion where she reminded me that she will not break up the contact with him, even after I told her how this is hurting my feelings.Please don't get me wrong, I'm not that overall jealous boyfriend, I would accept friendship with a guy but not with her ex-boyfriend. It drives me nuts to even think about both of them meeting at his place etc. He found the compromisse that she wouldn't write with him all the time and that she would never meet with him alone for an extended period of time, yet, the last time I was at her place, she came back later from the toilette and I later found out (through her dumbness I should say) that she again was texting with her ex. I really felt betrayed, she apologized and said that it wuld never happen again. Now I know that, as soon as I leave, she will talk to him again.After asking for the reason why she contacted him again and responded to his messages, she said that she believes that he's not interested anymore in her and simply wants a good friendship. After everything I know about him and his past, that is simply insane to think of.I really really love her, I couldn't suffer a breakup but this situation makes me feel hurt and disrespected. As insane as it might sound, I can't think about something else during work and I can't sleep at night simply because of this guy.Here's the question. Am I a stupid and jealous boyfriend that should simply accept the fact that she wants to meet her ex and build up the contact again or is my situation and reaction understandable.What can I do to supress my feelings, to avoid these emotional pains? I've talked to her several times and nothing changed. Please help me :(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 October 2013):
 I see no need to be friends with ANY ex.
to be civil and friendly is to be adult and it's mandatory when you share children.
to stay friends with an ex means you have not moved on from them or the relationship.
to stay friends with an ex after your current partner expresses discomfort with the matter, is to discount and disrespect your current partner.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): Female perspective, I've stayed in good contact with some of my ex boyfriends and my current bf doesn't like that, he can't get his head around it. But I've been truthful from day one. There are certain people I would never cut out just because the relationship ended. I know there's no feelings there from either of us so I have nothing to hide.
Having said that your girlfriend is lying to you about the contact she's making with her ex. She's also told you how awful he was, which if that's true is just unreasonable behaviour. The boyfriends I have had that have been assholes to me, I haven't stayed in contact with, because that's plain dumb.
So I guess your reaction is perfectly reasonable, I'm not saying a girl shouldn't be able to stay friends with an ex, but not one that was bad to her, and never be secretive about it.
Good luck, an ultimatum or a breakup would seem the best way to get through to this girl, she's behaving really disrespectfully.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): You are a rebound boyfriend. Your girlfriend isn't over her ex, and she may lie to stay in contact with him. In her heart, she has not let go. She is waiting for any sign that he is willing to take her back. Her actions contradict her words; because she is clinging to this hope.I warn people about attaching themselves to people who recently broke-up a relationship; because detachment from an ex is a slow and highly emotional process. They are grieving and feel rejected. They lie to the new boyfriends and girlfriends; because they need someone to lean on when their exes knock them down. They want to feel the way they did when everything was okay. She's using you as a painkiller. When her ex contacts her, your effect wears off.They cannot really love you until they get over their exes.I don't care what she tells you. She cares for you, but not enough to stop communicating with her ex. Knowing it hurts you. If he's so annoying, why does she want to be friends?She has to be given the ultimatum that you will leave; if she doesn't show more consideration for your feelings. Telling you to breakup with her, is as pointless as you telling her to let go of her ex. That's the danger of being in a rebound relationship. It's a love-triangle.She will find trying to "befriend" an ex-boyfriend is going to be frustrating and painful. He will see other women. She will be preoccupied with his life, and neglect you.In the meantime; he is busy sabotaging what she has now. You're wasting your time and feelings; while telling her to turn hers off. You're the third-wheel, dude.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 October 2013):
 You write: "Here's the question. Am I a stupid and jealous boyfriend that should simply accept the fact that she wants to meet her ex and build up the contact again or is my situation and reaction understandable"
Your Rx is understandable.... you are NOT much of a stupid or jealous boyfriend....
The "bottom line" is that your "G/F" doesn't seem to give much of a damn who - or what - you are.... Thus; You ought to be dumping her and getting a REAL G/F who cares about YOU!!!!
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 October 2013):
Dude, sorry, but you need to leave her. She has NO desire to be friends with an asshole. Assholes don't make good friends. But for some people, they make good boyfriends.
She obviously still has feelings for him, and no amount of talking will change that, this is something she's already proved.
I know for a fact that there's only two ways this will go: you either break up with her, or she'll cheat on you and break your heart.
Don't take her actions personally either. If she'd chose him over you it has more to do with her insecurities and issues than not wanting you.
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