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*ae5
writes:My affair ended 7 weeks ago when my husband caught me out. I have been married for 25 years,my marraige had been going through a very bad patch for about 3 years and i decided to attend an evening class where this guy was the teacher. At first we were just friends and found we had lots in common, it was a creative class and it really meant a lot to me, it opened doors for me I thought had been long shut. We had an emotional affair for about a year then slowly things built up until it became physical. He told me constantly how much he loved me and how he wanted me more than anything, we even had daydream plans of what kind of life we would have if we could be together. He said he had not loved his wife in years (he was also married 25 years). I fell for him hook, line and sinker. When my husband confronted me I had to tell him everything. My husband then confronted my affair, who told him he did love his wife, he did not really love me, I made him feel good but that was it. He also said he would not allow me back at my classes and that he would turn and look away if he seen me in the street. I am devastated, for my husband and what I have done to him and my marraige, and also because I feel so totally betrayed by this man. He was always so kind and caring I could not believe what I was hearing. I have since sent him two letters asking him about these things and asking him if he meant any of the things he told me and he has not replied. I saw him last week and asked him what it was all about and he replied "I got caught up in the moment" is a year and a half a moment? I feel so used and lied to and its torture. I had only ever been with my husband physicaly before I met this man so it has completely devastated me to think he only used me for sex. I only thank god that I never actually went all the way with him, but it is bad enough. I am now trying to rebuild my marraige, I am very lucky as my husband has been wonderfull about everything, he is very caring and anxious to get our marraige back on track. I totally regret this affair, I loved this man and feel totally let down and stupid. Its agony. I dont know what to do I still feel I would like to confront him I am so devastated but my husband wants me to cut off all contact and tells me just to forget about it but I cant. Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): LoveGirl has made a a number off good points Mae and she has also has an insight into the suffering your Hb has had to go through to stay with you, I have to agree with her on these points. I was not here when this first posted but have taken time to read over the many questions and answers posted,maybe LoveGirl can tell us where to read your Hb posts as I can not find any replies from him here. If I can add a bit to your Karma question,you have been hurt and used by what I would term a real bad apple and have been waiting for Karma to shake him loose from the tree, he is rooted firmly and that is that or you would not be here again asking questions.These kind off abusers don't care how anyone feels as long as they are safely hidden away until they are outed,my advice is a combination off others which is to either seek therapy or you have to take the revenge you need for your own mind, somewhere in the middle is not working and waiting for others to do your work Karma is not working for you. I have been in a similiar situation although nowhere near as bad as yours,I took things out off his control and made him pay for using me. Sometimes we have to take back what was taken in order to control our own destiny again.I am not sure if Karma works so I made sure I knew what was happening and did he pay what treating me like trash. I hope my mid-way point helps you with your answers, it looks like you need to put an end to it all for you and you hb sake. Good luck Girlfriend.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 is your husband willing to go to therapy to work this anger through?
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female
reader, Mae5 +, writes (29 September 2011):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all your replies. As I said for the most part everything is fine. I dont dwell on this 24/7 and I am certainly not looking for sympathy. As for making my husband suffer, he brings this up more than I do. He sees this man walking the streets, I have never seen him in the last three years, my husband sees him and gets angry which leads to us talking about it. I dont think about it most of the time and I dont live in the past. Only now and again something crops up which brings it up and with the thoughts is the pain. I usually push it out my head and move on. I have been told that I have pushed it out my head too much and only by dealing with it properly will it go away for good. I probably wont go down the revenge route as its not me as a person. I will just have to rely on karma. I just wanted to ask the question, to see what others thougth. Some people say that the best get back is to get on with your life and show the person you are unaffected. But in this case that is not really a get back as this is what he really wants, he wants us to just go away and not make anything difficult for him, so how is that really making him understand how he affects people....
Please dont think im looking for sympathy because im not. And I really do appreciate what I have, but its not just me who gets upset about this. My husband says he has always regretted not doing more at the time.... so maybe we both have things to deal with.x
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 September 2011):
 Did you ever have counseling? It sounds as though you did not. Perhaps it would have been money well spent back then. As you did not, and seem to be stuck in a negative thought pattern, perhaps it's a sign you should spend the money and time now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Mae, instead of continously behaving like a victim, I think it is time you accepted that u had an affair that didn't turn out the best for you.
Yes you have garnered ample sympathy from us all. I really do feel for you BUT no one forced you. You are still making your hb pay by living in the past.
I am taking a hard line with u Mae bec everyone has suffered enough. If anything your hb is the real victim. I remember HIS words, his pain and his suffering. Those were real and heart breaking. I think that man has suffered enough, don't you?
Mae, you have become your own worse sufferer and that is not what life is all about.
In life we make decisions/choices, but with these choices come consequences. You cannot see just how blessed u are: your hb gave u a second chance. Not too many people get that.
You need to make peace with the past and move on.
I think I followed your story right from the start. As u say its 3 years later: what has changed?
Hun, for your own sanity and for your marriage: stop being perceived as a victim. Stop the pity party. You have so much going for u yet u have chosen not to enjoy your blessing.
Mae, its time to please leave the past behind. We all know what both u and your hb have gone through, but now u need to move on....
Take care
LoveGirl
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Karma sounds great if you know that karma works, we don't know that so sometimes we have to push things along,reading your post it has been a long time,maybe now is the time you have to control this yourself and deal with it how it best relaeses you.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 September 2011):
Hugs to you Mae, I was not around this site when your situation first happened...
My take on this: Karma baby Karma. YOU have to live your life in the best way YOU can and not worry about others because when push comes to shove in the long run I find that Karma has a way of biting us on our tush!
Even if we can't see it short term or even long term.
He made his bed and he has to lie in it. Don't be so sure he's scott free. Sadly you need to not focus on that and continue to focus on building your life and marriage.
Easy to say but hard to do.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 September 2011):
 Rely on Karma but you then must turn away from it and let that high-riding bitch do her stuff. It's been 3 years Mae, time to let go. If you really can't then you need a professional, it certainly will be money well spent.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (28 September 2011):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is more of a question than a problem...... why is it that some people always get away with it??? It has been three years now since I first posted my problem. It has been a difficult three years in many ways but overall, my husband and I have managed to move on and rebuild our lives. We both took all the advice and tried to rise above everything that happened. I am not a vengful person but I really did stuggle with the fact that we had been caused so much pain and turmoil whilst the man involved got away scott free. They say time heals all wounds, well for the most part thats true, but the one thing that haunts me is this question... why should he get away with it all. He told so many lies, and more and more lies came out over time... his wife knows nothing, he walks about in his teaching job, even starting up more classes in different venues. It just seems like his life has gone from strength to strength while I have had so many stuggles to deal with which were partly caused by him.So is it a case that I have to just accept that life is unfair and I have to bare the brunt of this whilst he gets away with it...... or should I do something about it?...... Most people say revenge is never good and I have always agreed with this, although I have never needed or wanted to take revenge before.... Does the bible not say "an eye for an eye"... or do I rely on karma? Its quite a dilema, as I have never deliberately hurt anyone in my life. But sometimes I feel so angry about it especially when I hear through the grapevine about how well he is doing..... or do I just accept it and be the better person. Why does being the better person sometimes feel so lousy?Just a few thoughts..... I would welcome yours xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): have you written the letter yet? try it... you might be surprised...
rember you are telling the now you how it all works out and what you needed to do...e.g. stop thinking, go to counselling. etc. kiss husband every day. hire hitman for paramour. etc.
Star.x.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Other Starfish has made a lot off good suggestions,I'm sure his first one would be the best for your husband LOL,on a more serious note,I agree with the huge number of replies that say about counseling, we all need help when major events happen in our life like berievement,you tell us you have lost so much by getting involved in an affair, I think you have to now make a huge step to help with what ever your feelings like depression are,and yes the love and lust probably says it all,some times the hardest lessons we learn are the ones we stop from ever happening again,please go for help and come back and tell us when life is good again.Good luck x.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (26 March 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I have had to face how my husband feels about everything, every day since it happened. Do you not think that I have to face the guilt of knowing that I lied to him as well. I suppose the biggest difference between how I feel and how my husband has felt is that at the end of the day he still wanted to be with me and I stayed, I have been open and honest and told him everything, he has had a chance to digest all the facts and reasons and how I was thinking at the time and has been able to work through it all and because he understands he has come to terms with it all. I do keep a lot of my feelings to myself now, so that he is not burdened with it anymore, as I said he has had enough to deal with without me still going on about it. But for me it is still there. I know I have to just accept it and to a big extent I have, as I am trying to get on with my life. But maybe its depression, I dont know, I just feel really sad and upset all the time. Im afrain that telling myself to accept it and move on is not quite doing it for me. I agree with everything the lady said about lust and love as well and it was very well put. I had realised this before. I suppose I just wished I had realised it was only lust for him at the time as all this mess would not have happened. But as you say im not the first to be made a fool of and I wont be the last so I just have to deal with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): To the woman who explained love + lust,I think you have hit the nail on the head, wish I had thought off that one,to Mae I think you are very confussed also and have not got over the way this man treated you which has clouded all the real facts of everything and that must be confusing,one small point reading your replies and posts is I can't begin to imagine if you feel that bad, how your husband must feel,you talk about you feel betrayed by lies,betrayal and deceipt,how only you could give another man a shoulder to cry on and how you confided in this man of course you feel foolish but whohasn't been made a fool off in life and some times we have to accept that some people make a fool of people all the time,I'm sure you are not the only one this man makes fools out off.He is a teacher and will be trained in getting peoples trust, look how he is fooling his wife everyday.You say you have been honest with your husband about everything since it came to an end.OMG if you could only stop looking at what the other man said to you while lust took over and think how his your husbands love must be hurting so much,all the feelings you have had cast upon you by a man who really didn't care how you felt or does anymore must be ruining every living moment of both your lives, if you are confussed and need help I can't begin to think how after all this time and you still looking for the reason he acted as he has, what that would do to another human being,you say about from one human to another well I think you should appply that to the person who must be hurting the most out of this and unfortunatly I am not so sure that will be you, unless you don't really love him as you say you do in early posts, you have been given a lot of good advice here over the last months but still keep coming back full circle maybe its time to take other peoples advice accept the facts and then maybe you will be a lot less confused by what is in front of you.Good Luck getting peace and tranquility.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): I think you are thinking to much.
as I see it:
you almost had an affair - you got caught. Your paramour (thought that was a ghost?) managed to not get caught up and stayed with his wife. You are upset because it didn't split them up. (i could be wrong, but its a long post). you have had to deal with repairing your damage to your partner and paramour hasn't.
so you are hurt as any normal person would be in a split up. you have the embarrassment and torture of hurting someone you love and then you get no compensation in terms of your paramour splitting up or going through the same thing you have so you feel further slighted by this.
- forgive if i have got some bits mixed up the point is its quiet a bit for someone to handle.
why should the paramour have had to face anything? - that is life's lottery.
The main thing is, Do you love your husband? look inside you. Do you want him? forever? (i think you do just feel slighted by all thats happened)
I think you think a lot and so agree think you two should maybe go for counselling. You could try writing a letter to yourself from the future. just telling the now you how you got through....
Hugs star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): Sorry Mae,you seem to be in a constant state off confussion.I think you have confused Lust with Love and Love with Lust. Lust is an emotion that can be either fullfilled or in other cases not fullfilled,after lust is fullfilled or not then it is an easy feeling to walk away from.Some people need that feeling over and over again that is what drives them to keep looking for more and better fullfillment for themself, regardless of how it may leave the other person feeling.
Now Love is an entirely different feeling something people would die for, people would jump in front off a speeding car and push that person they Love out the way to save them or take a bullet from a gun just to save the person they Love,Love is not something that you walk away from easily, people have fought wars over Love.
Reading all your story I think that in this man's case it has been lust and easily walked away from regardless off how you have been made to feel.
In your case,well you state over and over again how you felt and that is why you have found your emotions so hard to walk away from and accept the way you have been treated.
Then there is your husband,well that's an easy one he must Love you,he has confronted on your behalf defended your honour you say and so much more, even forgiven you,That is Love as it should be, willing to die for Love, not an emotion based on fullfilment because he is there fighting for you and I'll guess he doesn't get any fulfillment or Lust from what has happened to you or your marriage.I hope I help to explain these feelings and this helps you maybe see the differences between feelings of Love and Lust.You are not alone in getting mixed messages and feelings of Lust taking over and hormones allowing men or woman to say and act in strange ways.I do think you were told mixed messages and it confussed you into thinking what he was saying and doing was out of Love and as you say he was talking about anything and everything but sometimes talk is cheap and Love comes at an expensive price.You for one and your husband have certainly paid a very heavy price to finally get your marriage back on track, I do wish you and him the future you talk off together.I also understand it must be hard to understand the power of Lust and Love. I think you now know what the real meaning of Love is the one who would die for YOU thats Love not Lust.Good Luck and I hope to see you back here but to tell us that you are over these bad feelings.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (25 March 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor your friend I think he at least did the right thing telling his wife,even if he did feel forced into it. At least they can build on a basis of honesty instead of living a lie,plus things always seem to have a way of coming out anyway, so at least she heard from him and not someone else. The problem is he maybe felt hounded but when real emotions are involved it is a very difficult thing, the woman was hurt as you say and needed some answers. The problem that some people dont understand is that being ignored is the worse thing you can do. In any area of life whether you are unhappy about goods you have bought or a service you have received if you feel cheated and lied to about something you will go and try to speak to someone in authority to get something done about it, if we are ignored and made to feel our complaint and feelings are unimportant then it causes anger. I would say that is pretty universal to all of us in a situation like that. The difference is when it comes to relationship problems is that, in a normal situation like I have described you may feel cheated because you have spent a lot of money on shoddy goods or workmanship for example, but what you have lost in that case is money, that is enough to anger most people. But in a relationship you have given yourself, your whole self. I was left feeling, lied to and manipulated by the teacher. I trusted him, I confided in him, gave him a shoulder and now realise I was making a huge fool of myself.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (25 March 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have taken the time to read your replies very carefully, you referred to men like "us" when you were talking about being hounded by woman like me, so I got the wrong impression but that is what you wrote. I understand what you are saying about men feeling shame and wanting to get on with there lives, I have felt the same. I have had to face the music, he has not. The night my husband bumped into him my husband asked him if he had told his wife or if she had found out and he said no. So he is not having to rebuild anything on my account. He has not lost anything as I had said. Can you not understand how it must feel from my point of view, it may sound like I only speak about myself but I can only really give an account of how things have affected me and my husband because that is what I know about. The relationship built up over a long period of time starting with friendship, in the latter stages though he talked about our future together. Yes I know I was pathetic, and maybe he was just saying it all for sex, but I just wished he had been honest and told me he was just looking for fun. I would not have gone there if I had known. I really thought we were friends as well but all of this has made me think he was never even that to me. The questions I wanted to ask were more about why he lied so much, he lied about his wife, talked badly of her, so I would sypmathise with him, which I did. I have found out that a lot of the things he said were not true. Can you blame me for just wanting to say something about it. It is not all about me not accepting the way things ended, I do accept that, but when I think of all the things he told me, from one human to another I just think it has been unfair for him to just be able to do all that without having to account for himself for any of it. Ok so he got carried away if you want to put it that way but should he not at least be big enough to apologise or something, he knew how I felt, he knew I was facing the music and protecting him, could he not at least have said sorry. You maybe think I did not deserve any apologies from him as I was doing something wrong. When i wrote my letters to him I told him I just wanted closure, that I was not trying to keep anything going, I told him I was trying to rebuild with my husband and I also wished him well for the future. And from him silence, after all the talk about love, the future, soul mates........ I just have to accept that I was lied to, I made a fool of myself and not because I just wanted attention. If you read my previous posts you will know what life was like for me. Still no excuses, I messed up as you say...big time. Only I could go 25 years only ever having been with my husband in my whole life. To meet, befriend and fall in love with a man who turns out to be a total lier and who could not even take the time to say anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): Well I am glad that you got that of your chest, you have not read my letter PROPERLY before you responded to me and say you feel sorry for woman in my life, I am married and would not and have not ever had an affair.IF you had read the bottom of my last advice to you then you would have taken the time to see that someone close to me had an affair and the woman wouldn't leave alone, the affair ended and he regreted it, so he wouldn't contact her when she tried to see him again for like you answers to WHY,he ignored her so he could rebuild HIS marriage,she wanted answers like you and just couldn't accept he wanted to be with her,yes he got carried away too, but not full time.SHE tried the ways you did to get answers as she was hurt and just couldn,t accept the way it came to an end, HE then had to confess to his wife due to guilt and fear which I did explain and you have ignored.I will not go into anymore detail as you don't take the time to read what I have told you.You have been on here expressing your feelings and going from your original date until recent posts have said YOU want answers,I am saying somethings are better left well alone for everyone involved,a lot of the woman here have blamed this teacher for his response to you and all the talk off revenge and getting EVEN,(A WITCH HUNT)well I am SAYING that it was not all the MANS fault and in many cases woman do flirt and make it hard for men to walk away from temptation, they start dressing sexier than usuall, undo a button in their blouse to make a man look at them and they want to feel that someone finds them attractive and sexy because there own husband doesn't pay them that kind of attention anymore,they feel taken for granted and enjoy the attention they are getting from someone off the opposite sex.NOW maybe they were not your feelings but, you have said you now want answers to the way he has treated you.I say move on as the teacher did,let him go to his job and his life without having to face you and have to give answers to explain why he din't want have to say anymore.HE I still think has told you what he wanted to do,maybe your husband is right and he is a coward maybe he treats all woman like this (I DON'T)but the whole point I made is YOU F----D UP by having an affair,then all the woman here telling you how S---Y MEN are, then the point I was making was that it is not always the MANS fault and men live with REGRET and sadness to and want to walk away from the whole sorry mess without having to explain it to the person they least want to see again because they relise like you that they did the wrong thing having an affair.SO the next time someone gives you advice I think you should take the time to listen and READ what they are realy saying.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): looks sorted to me.....just the thinking to sort out now.... Star.x.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (24 March 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You Star, I agree with what you say and believe me I do try and keep my mind on other things. I think the teacher could have saved his marraige and also did the decent thing by me. I accepted staight away that it was over and did not try to keep things going. I accepted that he did want his marraige and that is why I did not want to tell his wife anything. He could have been more decent about it though. I managed to save my marraige without wrecking his, I did look out for him because I did feel responsible. I know I have to get over it all, its is all such a mess. Thank you for your reply. Mae
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): hmm i understand where you are coming from mae5 don't agree with it as I am sure you don't from your comments.
I don't think you were able to close it properly with the one you had the affair with. So he has either acted nobaly (noble?Lol) and done a decent thing - or is more interested in saving his marriage.
my view here is i woul chalk this up to experience and move on (which the other affair person wants you to do), much in the way anyone who is dumped has to - keep your head busy. think of other things - what you want to do with the garden, how you paint the house, how you will tie husband to bed and shag his brains out, the world trip you wanted to make. Anything just think...
hope that helps
Star.x.
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female
reader, Mae5 +, writes (24 March 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I just say that I have read and taken on board all the replies I have had and not just from Mr Anonymous. I have also said several times that I do regret what has happened very much. I have written two letters to the teacher which was more than six months ago. I have spoken to him once, the reason I spoke to him on that occasion was because I had to go and collect things from my class and he was there. Again that was six months ago. I have had no further contact with him or even seen him in the street even though he lives two streets away from me. Can you please explain how that amounts to hunting him down and not allowing him to get on with his life. He has been doing exactly that all this time. His wife knows nothing, he has not had to face anything. I even talked my husband out of going and telling her everything in the beginning because i did not want her upset. So how does this mean I am hunting him down. I think under the circumstances I have acted very reasonably compared to some of the suggestions that have been put to me. You say that men will do and say anything to get the buttons undone and that men like "us" dont need woman like me hunting us down to get answers. You dont know any of the circumstances, you dont know what was said between us. Do you really think it is a reasonable statement to make. Do you think it is ok for men to treat woman in this way, do you think because the woman is stupid enough to fall for it that she deserves to be made to feel worthless because she is making a mistake. I do care for his wife's feelings which is why when it was suggested to me several times that I go and tell her, I said I would not do that. I have also said I would not go to his employer. I dont want her affected by this. Its a pity he would not own up himself, but I know he would never do that. So I take it you think it is fair that even though we made the same mistake, and I have had to face my husband, my guilt, shame and embarrassment. I have had to rebuild my marriage and I have been totally open with my husband about everything, since it came out, he knew about everything. He knew about the letters and when i spoke to him. Unlike you, my husband actually thinks the teacher has acted like a coward. He thinks he should have been big enough to speak to me and do the decent thing and treat me with a bit of respect. He said if he had been in the situation that is what he would have done, even if it was to just try and prevent the woman's scorn. I actually protected this man when it all came out. I convinced my husband not to beat him up, not to tell his wife and not to go to his employer. I took the blame and the punishment. Whilst he walked away and did not need to face it. I am not making any excuses for what I have done, I Do regret it very much. I also dont think that setting up a meeting with him would be beneficial. All I am doing on this site is venting my FEELINGS, this does not mean I am going to rush out and act upon everything that is said either by me or anyone else for that matter. i have considered everyone's feelings throughout all of this not only mine, which is why things get on top of me. I am trying to live a normal life, I do work, I do socialise, I do go to other classes, but I have a sadness inside that I cant shift. I thought I could come on and explain how I feel to try and help. Im not looking for sympathy, but only a place to be open. Maybe I should just keep my feelings to myself now as I don't appreciate being told I am on a witch hunt and hunting anybody down. I could have wrecked his life if I was that way inclined. I live near him, I could have made his life hell, if I was that type of person. But I am NOT. I have quietly tried to deal with everything, trying to build my relationship with my husband and get back to normal. My desire for answers to my questions are my deepest feelings, I thought that was what the site was designed for so we could express feelings and help ourselves and others to get over them. You make me feel I dont deserve to have any of these feelings and you say you feel sorry for the teacher....why....he had his cake and ate it, he has not had to face anything because of it. How is ignoring a letter the same as having to face up to something? If you are one of these men that you described, I feel sorry for the woman in your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): I have to agree a little that being unhappy doesn't give you the right to take another womans husband from her,I'm a little more sympathetic to you though as you are struggling with a lot of feelings, I do think the last man has been a little much to the point and has either been a man in this position or has seen another man hurt by a woman who couldn't let go.My advise is to go for counselling with your husband as he also must have so much to get over too.Put yourself and him first and as you have told us make ammends and learn from your mistakes,and you tell us that you know it was a mistake.if you didn't think that then maybe I could see it from the last mans point but you have explained to him that you do regret what happened.Good enough and I'm sure you will never make the same mistake, can he cast the first stone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): OK so he wasn't your TOYBOY and he was old enough to know better too,I read your reply and nowhere do you say that you REGRET what you did to his wife or your husband, all you do is talk about how used you were and all you want is to ask him WHY to so many questions you have,you also say apart from writing leters HE never had to face you but in your first message and as I pointed out you did face him and got him to talk to you,read what you wrote in your messages.
You are still telling us about your feelings no where do you reply about everyone else's feelings you only talk about how hurt you are, your agony what the teacher got away with, you still are only talking about you.The other answer says this man is robbing you of living, NO he is not you are doing that very well yourself,she says you should meet him in a restaurant, so to the woman who replied you want the teacher who has stayed well away from her to lie and cheat behind his wifes back again just to say WHAT to Mae,and with her husband sitting by her side.Is this good advice to force the teacher to sit down at restaurant have a nice meal with her and her husband I don't think so.I do think both spouses should hear what she has to say to him though, then everybody is in the picture to what she really wants from him.You want to make him face WHAT, that he had an affair and because you say your feelings are genuine you want WHAT from him the same back to ease your guilt.Will that make this better for you I don't think so all you are doing is forcing a man to see you one more time and face up to the mistake he made going with an obsessed woman who should have known better at your age, you flirted as you say emotionally for a long time,you didn't just make a small mistake at a drunken office party you tell us you had been thinking about having an affair for a long time.Planned and executed then when he dumps you to get back to his life which in your last message you seem to grudge him doing that,getting on with his life quote,YOU ARE on a witch hunt and everything you say still tells us that.YOU want to make him face up to how he made you feel. NOTHING you say in your last message tells of someone who has been advised by another woman to start living again says anything about you wanting to live again, you don't even reply to her just me because I am a man who see's this from a man view.Men don't need the same love that you needed,men can have sex without feelings and yes we will say the anything to get your buttons undone,but who needs woman like you hunting us down to explain why we don't want anymore to do with you after an affair has finished,I feel as sorry for this man as other woman do for you, he has at least stayed with his wife and won't go behind her back and meet you and reply to your letters,you can't say the same thing.I also feel sorry for your husband who's back you went behind and still do wanting answers to your many questions and the woman I feel sorry for is not you but this mans wife because you just won't let him get on with his life. YOU WANT ANSWERS YOU SAY how is that letting him get on with his life.I have seen this happen before to someone and he just couldn't ever be allowed to forget his mistake and get back on with his life, and everything you say will ruin more lives as happened to him,he had to tell his wife because he was so scared of someone who was as obsessed as you.GO get the HELP you need an leave the man alone to get on with his life and maybe you will then get on with living again too as other woman are even telling you.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (23 March 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would also like to add that I am not a constant threat to his career and family. I have no intention of getting even, even though that has been suggested. All I wanted was to simply ask him why? to so many question that I have. But I suppose I just have to accept that I was just a stupid woman, old enough to know better, who was just a bit of fun to somone but I was stupid enough to think I actually meant something to him. I feel so foolish and I am more angry with myself than him, because I allowed it to happen and I did not see it for what it really was.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (23 March 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, thanks again for your replies. To Mr Anonymous, i have not intended to start a witch hunt against the teacher. I am fully aware of my part in what happened and have taken responsability for it. It was nothing like you described, he is older than me and there was no short skirts or unbuttoning of blouses. It does not really matter how it was because it was wrong and nothing can change that. I think most of my replies have just come from concern, as I am very hurt by what has happened, knowing it is my own fault does not make that any easier. I know I just need to get over it. I have not gone back to classes, I have not told his wife or his employer. Apart from sending the letters I have done nothing, so he has been able to get on with his life unaffected by what has happened, he has not had to face me or think about it. He cannot read what I have written on this site so for him it was all over a long time ago. Unfortunately for me my feelings for him were genuine. It was a case of two people being in the same situation but thinking completly different things. He was telling me everything I wanted to hear. I had been unhappy for a long time, he said the same and so it went on. Pathetic I know. I am sure if you were used, and lied to by someone whome you believed could never treat you that way, you would feel upset as well. I have lost so much of myself because of this, he has lost nothing. So yes from your point of view you might think it is all unfair for the guy but really he is just getting on with his life, I am the one who is still in agony, which is why i am on here writing my story. We all make mistakes in life, I know I made a mess of things. I am trying on a daily basis to make ammends. But sometimes things get on top of me and thats when I come onto this page as it is helpfull.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Revenge is never sweet. Please don't lower yourself...in the long run, you'll regret it.
I think we ALL agree you (Mae) need professional help, along with your husband. I think he posted here last week, and he said he's getting tired that you both can't move on past this. The worse case scenario is a divorce, and then you're all alone. :(
We are all NOT professionals, just shoulders to help you get through, but this really has gone on long enough and you need an intervention.
You're letting this man rob you of living.
One thing you keep referring or hinting is to meet him face to face. I'm starting to think you need to do that for closure. Maybe some restaurant with your husband seated next to you. I'm harsh, but I'm just trying to HELP you start living again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): OK I'll get to the point that you want,this is a witch hunt by woman on this site and Mae,you are all here to give HER since you always hi-light the MAN as HIM a shoulder to cry on,Lets get the facts here you all want the teacher a man sacked or moved to a new place of work,WHY? You all seem to be overlooking the facts here,THIS MAN was married and she knew he was married didn't stop her sleeping with him, if you read her messages and her first one she talks about her day dreams with him,going to see him and writing letters after he ran a mile (she tells you woman that)SHE talks of mixed feelings and it goes on,YOU are on a witch hunt YOU F----D up and now want pay back time.You woman keep talking to her like she is some poor hurt teenage girl who had a crush,DID you bother to check her age out,she would know by her age exactly what she was doing, DO you think about the mans wife when you reply and try to help woman like this.You wan't her to get EVEN well maybe his wife should be told what he got up to out off class but then you won't disagree when she gets EVEN with this husband stealer, will you agree with that.This woman joins a course to study,makes out with the teacher behind everybody's back including friends, family, spouses and class mates but now want's to walk back in to that class.Was this a case of a middle aged woman walking into a class and flirting with a good looking younger teacher was she flattering her self and offering the teacher the something he couldn't resist, she says he got caught up in the moment, please read her words before you all come back at me,undo the blouse a little, short skirt on to catch his attention and makes it very plain what she is up for, what man doesn't get caught up in the moment.Adam and Eve did it before you all quote things at me.You want to hunt this man out,well sorry equal opertunities here,older woman goes back to college gets a crush on her teacher over a long period of time, that's what was distracting her studying as well as being expelled for her behavior.She still has the nerve to wan't to see him and find out why he won't talk to her she still has the nerve to go into his class what a nerve she has.
This MAN you keep refering to will be living with so much regret for what he has done by cheating on his wife he won't reply to you,and is HE now not at least doing the right thing, at least he is making up for his mistake are you, not from what I read here, all you wan't is what you had but as I already said YOU F----D up now you wan't to make him pay and make him feel more guilty having to look at you and remember his mistake.This man has also made a mistake he went with you and now can't get rid of you, you are a constant threat to his job and marriage,he at least has had the b---s to break of all contact, get on with his job and his marriage and has had to live with the same mistakes as you.DO none of you woman see the facts and think reading this, that this woman you all write to is a bit obsessed and over desperate to get back into this teachers company, let anyone tell me I am wrong and that a man doesn't deserve a chance to get over his mistakes too,and I am sure it was a big mistake to get involved with a woman who just won't let go.I am not saying it was all your fault but the facts are that he doesn't reply to you and made it clear that you were the distraction in his class, so who can blame him not wanting you coming back trying to steal him from his wife and family,he may even have children,which once again if he did,did you think about them while you had day dreams,yes he cheated on them too and he has let his other students down and other members of staff he has to sit with ,knowing you are constantly wanting to distract him from on a daily basis at college doesn't help anybody.I think you should button your blouse back up and act like a woman your age,a married one at that,not some woman who chases the school teacher round the play ground until she gets what she wants in your case behind the bike shed.You talk about this man like he took advantage of you but I bet you knew exactly what you were doing, which even if you didn't care about your husband you should have cared about sleeping with another womans husband. BOTH of you were wrong I am not making out here that he is innocent but you seem to be the one keeping on about your treatment and classes and feelings and love and who said what,he has went on and at least not cheated with you behind his wifes back again you still want him to go behind his wifes back agian and talk to you about your affair,at least he is now doing the right thing can you look at yourself and say the same, you wan't to keep this going and return to class,he want's to return to class without you interfering in his life, work or marriage is that not been made clear enough to you.Why do woman not read the story here and stop giving the wrong shoulder to cry on,the wife was the one cheated on the husband was cheated on, not HER cheated on by the teacher you get stuck into, she cheated and now want's advice on how to get over her rejection,get real and give her some real advice,leave the teacher and any other man who's spoken for well alone,if you don't find your life or husband exciting enough at your age then get back out on the circuit again,then you can lift your skirt a little higher again to get attention without hurting everyone. else.You do need HELP,so maybe does your husband and the teacher just different kinds of HELP I think!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Yes you have a point, but maybe she can't stand the thought of ANY confrontation.I also think that this teacher should be moved to another college where he will have to relise that he can't just s--g about with students.My advice is to try and confront the way you feel about things and by confronting you not him,go to some form off counseling.You will in time forget how you have been made to feel and are angry due to all the things that have happened and may even angry at yourself for allowing this to happen to you. You have to let go of these negative emmotions some how and at some time, you seem to be close to your husband and were going through some crisis in that relationship but are still together and rebuilding that marriage, so he must have meant a lot more to you than you thought at the time.There are many many people who use people and situations for what ever ends,and as with all things we think we know someone until we really get to know them if you catch my drift.I am sure you are just one woman in that situation,you have choices and to keep expecting this teacher to change the way he has is outside your control, to change how you feel and move on is in your control, so take the first step and get help.As far as your course goes then if I was you I would never step foot in any class that he was teaching,I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of ever being able to look at me again, no matter what the subject was or career change, why allow him any power over your future, why put yourself through this and why put your husband in such a position, 3 good reasons why I would not and would advise you not to go anywhere near this teacher and his course.You will get over this but need to start self help which will also have I think a very good effect on you and your husband which is what you are rebuilding,unfortunatly you got tangled in a web of deceipt, but seem to have seen things for what they are and I hope can now go to counseling and forget this part of your life ever happened.I wish you and your husband many happy years ahead and keep us updated on any progress. Jen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I still say GET EVEN, to much compassion here from you Cupids, I made my point and you all say that the TEACHER treated Mae badly so why keep saying she should not get her chance to get EVEN.By EVEN I did explain by doing it through PROPER channels, I agree she should not have to put her self through the agony of ever having to look at this SWINE again but she should report the case to the COLLEGE BOARD. SHE has lost her chance of a future career, been LIED to and been made to feel USED how bad can this be for her.SO come on get behind her and support a woman in her time off need.I am not telling her to go banging his door I am SAYING that this man is the lowest form of pond life, he has affairs with people who come to learn and trust him (Mae says she trusted him) to do his job.Love does not come into this, this it not a romantic film this is a TEACHER abusing his position in the worst possible way,YES we can be critical off people who have affairs but Mae has said she regrets this,(I'll put money on that one) but then tells us off her treatment.HE HAS to made to face that, he is in a trusting profession and that he can NOT abuse that position.You say she should change courses, I SAY he should be expelled to another college and then she can re-attend her course and carry on in complete confidence,and she doesn't ever have to lay eyes on this creep ever again.THATS THE JUSTICE YOU SPEAK OF for HER.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Hi There,I have just come across your story and taken time to read this long and painfull story,if I can add my two cents worth.Reading over it and your replies I would advise you to go for councelling as you seem to keep coming back to the same place and have been posting your feelings for such a long time.As far as the teacher goes he is sick and twisted in his actions towards you, but we can not account for the actions of others, you just have to look at the way he's treated you and say well he wasn't for me and there's not a lot I can do, you could as you post about get confrontational but is there really any point of allowing him to cause you more upset. HE had his chance's by all I can read and has just went on with his life and marriage.Then there is your husband still with you and still hanging in there, some one wrote about smelling the coffee I think that must apply in your case,but don't let this drive you away from each other 25 years and one mistake does not mean it can't be put to right again. With the correct type of help you will get back the good from life again and hopefully the upset this has caused will lift.You can't change the way this man has treated you, we all think the same thing about him and other men like him, they are wrong but that's seems to be the general opinion.You have made your mistakes, talk and made up with your husband, that is the most important thing now, not what this man does and how he treats woman he takes a liking too.You talk off your course and how other classes and courses are not the same, I think you should forget about going any where near this teacher as you will get mad when you come into contact with him and from what you say will explode in a fit off anger and who could blame you,you don't like confrontation so why set up the situation to be in his surrounds where he works, feels safe and feels confortable, you will feel the opposite you are in his enviroment.My advise is forget the man and anything involving him and find another subject you can study and may find another route to take for a new career. Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Hi Mae, I picked up on your thread from the advice you gave to the poor woman who is in despair about life with her boyfreind and boss, it is nice to see you can use your own experience to still help others even when you are back on here for yourself. I also think like others who come here to help,that confronting this other man is maybe not good for someone like yourself, if you don't like confrontation why put yourself in that place.Sometimes we have to accept and allow things to die a natural death,and it's pretty obvious that this man for better want of a word has no intentions of keeping in contact or explaining his actions.I must admit the message about getting even strikes a chord and it is terrible that you are not allowed to attend your classes, getting even is not spitefull it's just another word for the justice you speak off.I suppose you did know the risks of having an affair with your teacher but still from your many posts still seem to have been treated pretty badly.
The way to look at it is, at least your husband has stayed supportive and must love you, he must have went through hell and I can see this from his side that maybe he is getting a little restless with the situation dragging on.You are lucky as the last person said and maybe need to stop asking why this happened and accept it did happen and also that this man was not what he appeared to be when the affair was ongoing.(not uncommon)
I have been involved in counselling and reading your story do think you need someone to talk to about your feelings and ongoing anger, but confronting a man you have had no contact with or had even a reply from may even cause you further setbacks or re-laspses in the future.You seem kind and help others maybe this has been your calling in life to help others in similiar situations and the reason you brought me to you.
It is hard to be impartial when we read of your treatment and pain but then on the other hand we read how your husband has learned from his past and been a rock in your life through such a tramatic period,take great pride from that beause his is real life love and the others mans words and actions were as in all affairs not real at all.
I understand your anger but anger is negative and will keep you where you are,confrontation often leaves us feeling worse because this other man may defend himself as people do,that is why I say let things die a natural death, get professional help to do this,we all have to ask for help sometime in life,and take heart from the good you have gained from a painfull experience.Thanks for sharing with us and helping others through there pain.Cheryl.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Oh dear Mae, so sorry things have gone off track for you, and your life is not blooming with happiness like I hoped. Thanks for keeping in touch with us people who care about your story and are wishing with all our hearts that you get happiness at last.Let me catch up with what has been going on in your life, and hopefully add to the good advice that you have already recieved.I followed your story from the begining, and your one of the main reasons why I'm still on this dear cupid site. Cheer up honeypie, you got so much going for you, if only you could see it and believe in it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Hi,I have to agree with the last poster,many woman are taken advantage off by men in this profession.Your posts go back a long way so you are still hurting and angry at this man,I also agree that after you have reported the matter to the college you attended that it will give you the chance to get back on the course you have spoken about and miss.You should also look at self help counselling as a matter of course too.Some woman say tell his wife and other say get help but I think the last person made most sense of things.He should not be allowed to carry on teaching at his present place of work as it has affected your further education and progress on your course.I can see where your at and no-one likes to be in a situation where we have no idea what way it might go, his actions have not been very promising to date so I can understand you not wanting to be in a confrontational situation.That's why the last post seems to be the answer to me.The combination seems to be the only way you havn't tried so what have got to lose,you could get really angry and let it go that way, but what can you do when someone ignores you and makes clear that he won't say anything to you or reply to you,I say deal with by the correct lines off comminication,contact his employers and let him know that if he teaches people he should respect them, not treat you and I'm sure others before and after you with such contempt.Best Wishes x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Ok I'll get straight to the point.So you are not a confrontational person but feel you have to do something with all that anger,well don't confront get EVEN,I mean let's get the facts here.You attended evening classes at college and ended up having an affair with the teacher of your course, unethical on his behalf, he then barred you from your course which you say could have led to a career in this subject,so no diploma's and wasted time studying for your course,absolutly wrong.You go away quitely allowing the tutor to carry on and his wife still kisses him goodbye in the morning, have a nice day honey, not only is he cheating with you he is cheating her out of life too.You do not have to confront this man and face the agony and dilema of what to do and say or face his re-actions, deal with this properly. Report this matter to the board of governers at the college, make a formal complaint, your complaint will be treated in strict confidence and this tutor who is unethical will have to face not you but the relisation of his actions.If he has dated you outwith classes and got you out the system then he is free to carry on with other woman behind his wife's back.No wonder he wanted rid.You have explained that you haven't told his wife as you don't want to hurt her, that I can understand but she should be informed by him to what he gets upto at his place of work.A tutor at college has ethics and a code of practice and certain conduct to adhere too and should not be using his class as his dating base and niether does he have the authority to ban woman from his class. This must be reported as it sounds like he is abusing his position in class to decide who he teaches.He may get moved to another college which is what should happen and another teacher will be moved to take over his position,he will not be able to disclose why and nieher will he wan't too, you can then re-enter the system and your class with your fellow class mates and carry on with your subject and complete you're course and get that career you desire.Your husband will be able to back you with this and the friend you talk about, he has no defence as he has way over abused his position and power, you get back to your course, and you get EVEN without having to confront him or his wife.Good luck and I hope you finally get even.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Well Mae, Thanks for enlighting us now we can try and HELP.There seems to be a number of issues here that need dealt with.I understand where you are at and it seems from where we are that the course you attended and the tutor involved are part of the same problem. YES you will be missing the class and mates you made and it never helps when you get badgered about going back, but I do think for your sake you should be more direct.Tell your friend that you just can't attend due to other commitments and that you will let her know as and when you decide to take up your subject again, if she knows that is what you intend and want then she will stop badgering you.Give yourself time to decide what and who you can face and deal with.Next the tutor, what a slime he is, he stays close to you, he has by all accounts from your posts said very little or nothing,this is your classic married man having an affair,he had his slice off apple pie and now it's all finished so why bother to bake some more when you can go to the next shop and get a fresh slice.YOU are not a confrontational person, niether am I but I would have surely been at his wife's doorstep and his employers to sure screw him up.You say previously that you wrote letters and went to see him but he gave you very little answers, FORGET this slime he just ain't worth your time or effort babe.Let him crawl back to the cesspit he came from and just accept that this was a man who knew what he was doing and took advantage of you when you were vunarable.I do agree with what hubby says to you, that HIS silence is not golden it is just totally cruel and defenceless but babes you have to say,he just ain't got no good in him and forget the slime and say I made a mistake and misjudged and move on, when you do bump into him because he can't possibly hide forever so close to your home, you make sure you are beautifull inside and out and let him see you were unaffected by HIM and his wrong doings, some men take great pleasure from humiliating woman and treating them like dirt DON'T let yourself be his victim any longer.Don't let HIM tie your hands or you down anymore,you do need the fresh start that you talk about, away from anything to do with HIM and yes you need somewhere to release the anger within.only YOU will know if venting your anger will make any difference or whether counselling is the answer. It is interesting as so many other Aunties asked you about your husband but you have answered us by saying how much he still trusts you and is still supportive so you have told us all that you are still strong together and what a MAN he must be to be in there with you, take great comfort from that fact, as I think you have had a great escape,sometimes we need to be hurt by things in life to let us fully appreciate what we have and in your case this seems to be one off the greatest examples.I know others like me follow your story and have seen many examples of your case being referred too, to help others come to terms and make decisions about affairs.I think you have to stop cutting yourself up and take a little you time,accept that you were taken in by someone who probably new you were vunarable and used the situation for himself and shake HIM out of your life for ever,let some other poor soul end up with HIM and maybe his wife will throw him to the wolves where he belongs.New freinds come into our lives and old ones re-appear, GOOD men are hard to find and keep, you have one. Take heart from that and enjoy your times with your hubby, you told us about his bad periods before but he has been there through this with you,I am sure you see him in a whole new light,enjoy his support and allow yourself to heal from his forgiveness. I hope I have helped even shed a little light on you and please please keep us posted on your recovery. Sue x
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (17 March 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone, Thank you again for your replies. I dont know why it has come back so much. I think it has been a combination of things. I still do get very upset about being used and lied to, I do try not to think of these things but sometimes I just feel so full of pain I cant shake it. My classes have been a major issue. I have tried all the alternatives in my area to carry on with the suject I love and had to give up because of what happened. None of them have turned out to be any good and I am now faced with the thought of giving it up for good now. I have also been in touch with a couple of my class mates from before as I had been advised by this site and my friend and husband, not to give up seeing the people I enjoyed spending my time with. However this has not turned out to be as I hoped either as one of the ladies I am in touch with is constantly begging me to come back to class and does not understand why I am going to other classes and wont come back. I am having to make things up to get out of it as she does not know anything about what happended. She has started phoning me on a weekly basis asking me when im coming back. It is all very painfull. My husband says he totally trusts me and would even support me going back as he does not see why I should have to give up this subject that I have a talant for because of HIM. I have not had any contact or even seen this teacher in the street even though he lives so close to me. I often wish I could just bump into him in the street so I could tell him exactly what I think of him, I suppose I have a lot of anger as well. I am not a confrontational type of person and would usually avoid it at all costs but I feel I really need to do something. I have discussed this with my husband who understands my anger but would rather I did not face up to him as he thinks he will try and worm his way out of it. So I feel my hands are tied. I cant say anything, do anything. I dont think I could face going back to class without saying something first just so he knows that I am there for me and not for him. I sometimes feel I just cant get away from it, I have tried so hard. I may have to give up this subject completely even though I love it and give up the friends as well, to make a completely fresh start. I know that that will take a lot of accepting and more pain. I just wish I could get rid of all the negative feelings and be able to carry on with my subject without any of this hanging over me. I know this is impossible and I find it very difficult.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): Your post end off January seemed to be so positive then by beginning March so much depression, what has changed,you gave us so much faith, you don't tell us the full story but as Gina says if we don't allow things to die a death they come back to haunt us.I hope this only a temporary set back for you and not a full throw back, I do understand from your previous posts that it is hard when we think we have feelings for someone and they let us down so badly, but sometimes that is the call to make us see the light to what and who is worthy of our love.Maybe it is other issue's regarding everything that now affects you.I hope you you seek the help here or elsewhere to help you and the anxieties you have. Please keep us posted as you seem to have touched a few hearts on this site.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): You will feel times off depression and going back to square one, if you do not get professional help with this it may keep coming back.I don't know what it is that makes you full of sorrow but as other Aunties say you need to be a little more specific.Your husband will be sensing this and if you are not telling him what is wrong his resolve may wayne,you have spoken so much about your feelings of being used and hurt, is this still the problem or is it other things that are coming to the surface.You need too let go off the past and really concentrate on what you have and have rebuilt, marriage can go through difficult periods and what you did is the hardest thing off all to be forgiven for,some people say enough and just call it a day, you and your husband never and you have been full of praise for him, I hope this is still the case although it must be hard.Reading your story and right back to September there is now a lot off water that must have passed under that bridge.I know it may not be easy but I do think you have to stop and ask what it is that is really troubling you. Whether it be by going to councelling or by trying to be positive about your future you have to try. Your husband must trust you again because you are going to other classes, you should always assure him and let him know this was one mistake which is over and done with and no more mistakes will happen, cleanse your system and have a full make over to get what happened away forever.If you are still hurt by what happened and have broke off all contact then I for one think you have taken a step forward in life.You have to start by forgiving yourself and just saying I made a mistake and I accept I made that mistake, yes you were taken in by someone blame him for misleading you and not by always accepting you were the only one to blame.Sometimes we get caught off gaurd and it is easy for these kind of men to take advantage of our weak moments,they seem to have a radar, but once you grow in strength again you will see this cad for all he was. I hope you can to forgive yourself with maybe a little help your husband will sense this and take strenght form this, I am sure you will in time forget and go on in life happy again. All in time,that makes one heal. Sue X
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): Dear Mae,well your back again and after seeming to be so strong and better this post seems to be a cry for help again. As others have asked you do you know what is troubling you so much. I said before that with time it will faid and you will heal and you seemed to be in previous post. Your husband seemed to be there for you but you say he has had enough what does that mean that your marriage is in trouble due to what is happening.All the way you have said he is what kept you going but I see from your last post,is that all changing.This must be harsh on the both of you and I'm sure that what you have said before, that the both of you are maybe just a little freighed around the edges.YES maybe it is time you attended counselling and maybe your husband too as this must be hard on both of you, It is always difficult to always say the right words and do the right thing when someone is suffering in the way you do,he will be confused and hurting he defended your honour before and seems the kind of man from what you told us before who will pretty much do anything to help you, but you seem to worrying at what this is doing to him,ask him how he feels and tell him what it is that is really worrying you, if he knows then maybe he will help as he has done before, as far as you go I think you have find the way to close the chapter and decide what you want the next chapter to read, that may be help or just being honest with yourself and husband.It sounds like this is only coming back because you are not addressing the real issue's.WHAT are your real issue's that is your question when you admit to yourself and others then you can begin again to put it all behind you.I hope this helps. Blessings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): Hi Mae,It is a a real shame to see you here again, you have been posting for such a long time, you say that all these emmotions are back and you feel sad and empty. What is it that is really making you feel so sad, what is it that keeps coming to the surface again. Your husband is right to an extent, wounds heal aand leave scars but scars also fade so you no longer notice them.I think some sort of councelling may be the way forward for you as you seem to be going back and forward. You do not really tell us what it is that is making you sad or what seems to make these thoughts and feelings re-occur.It sounds like you are suffering from depression and if you are may need to go to your local clinic and seek out advice on what is the cause off your negative emotions. Its all about the way we look at things and training the brain to be positive so we feel positive.I can understand your husband wanting it all to disapear, you have said so much previously about how he stood by and has been there for you so I suppose he just wants to see you ok again and he will know better than anyone when your moods change,I'm sure there must be a certain amount of anxiety on his behalf about what it is that is causing this and if he feels like he want's to get on with you and him then he will get frustrated. I have read alot and been involved in helping others before but you have to let us know what it is that keeps hurting you and why you really are still so sad, once you are have been totally honest with yourself then you can start to work at each indivdual emmotion and deal with them one at a time.You have said all the way through about your husband and marriage rebuilding and going from strength to strength but in this post you mention your husband has had enough, so does that mean there are now problems that you havn't previously had to deal with and this is making things worse for you. You also have told us about having no answers and how this other man treated you is this still the case or have you just learned to deal with it or has he in recent times been in contact with you, although from what you have said all the way through your posts this is just a classic case off how some men act and treat woman after an affair come to end.You are not alone and you have clearly helped others so maybe with a little more info we can be here to help you through this relapse.You may need to be completely honest with yourself as to what it is that keeps coming to trouble you or it may be many things.I hope we can help you through this and all that you have said before about enjoying your classes and your marriage can return to you.We all have times in life when feelings and emmotions take over it is matter of seperating the good ones from the bad ones and looking at the good things we have rather than what we do not have, thats maybe where councelling comes in for you.I hope you can let us know how you are as sometimes we have to let go off the people who don't care and in return learn to care about the people who do care. Hope this helps and please come here anytime you get sad at least that is a start. I wish you and your husband peace and tranquility through you troubled time. Lisa xx
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (12 March 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eveyone, I am writing again because for the last three weeks I feel like I have had some sort of emotional relapse (for want of a better description). I thought I was doing so well but I feel like all my emotions are coming to the surface and I am having to face it all over again. It does not matter how much I fight it they keep coming back. I was enjoying my classes so much at the begining of the year and felt they had helped my confidence a lot. But the last few weeks I have felt like I am just going through the motions and I have not been really enjoying them although I tell my friends and family that I am. I have started to feel like I am getting anxiety attacks, and depression. I dont understand why after all this time. I feel a lot of anger as well which I cant get rid of. I then just end up feeling totally miserable and sad and dont know what to do with all the feelings I have. Do you think councelling would help even after all this time. I feel so stupid, I keep going over things in my mind and all the hurt and sorrow are always there. My husband has asked me about how I am feeling, I have tried to explain but I dont want to go on about things to much to him, he has had enough. He gets frustrated as he just wants it all to disappear, which I do understand. I can act like im ok and just get on with things but deep down I feel empty and sad. I wish I could be truly myself again. My husband says he thinks that this will always leave a scar on me, I dont like the thought of that, I want to get rid of it all but I just cant seem to. Am I holding onto it myself? If so, why? Is this normal after what has happened. I dont know what to think or do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Hi Mae, I am glad that your life and marriage are working out for you and Thanks for keeping us updated, I think you have answered your own questions by saying that you are more confident again, sleeping and enjoying doing your other classes. You say that you don't know if you could go back to the class where this tutor teaches, why even consider putting yourself through the trama when you and your husband have made so much progress. I think you inner instinct is telling you that this tutor has treated you badly and why would you want the anxiety of going back, your confidence will be all over the place again and he may try and use the situation again for his own aelf satisfaction, to see if you will talk to him or still have feelings for him. It is a pity as you say about it leading to a possible career but if it is a career course as others say you must be able to learn elsewhere or on-line to further this. I think it so great that your husband trusts you again most men would never have taken the risk to allow you to re-build your marriage, don't put yourself and him under pressure and risk your confidence and his again, you are enjoying doing the other things so just take time like you have been to enjoy that, why worry about what others and friends want you to do, they are not the ones treated so badly by this tutor or almost losing a marriage for. You have not seen or spoken to him for 7 months, so why put yourself through it again by re-attending this course. You have been luckier than most and have a deep and meaningful relationship with your husband don't let one part of your life ruin that, you seem to have so many other things that are making you happy again. I think you are so lucky to re-build and get a second chance and as others say that must be Gods greatest gift that you have been forgiven and have forgiven yourself, forget getting answers you already had them. You seem to be so far down the road, don't return to the dark days. Love and you are an inspiration to us on Cupid. June H
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (29 January 2009):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who has responded to my letter. It has now been 7 months since my affair came out. I still have had no answers or even seen the man in question since the time I confronted him in September. My relationship with my husband has gone from strength to strength. We are closer than ever. It has been a very difficult lesson but it has made us both realise where our marraige was going wrong and we have both taken steps to change the things that were damaging our relationship even before this happened. I believe that we have sorted everything out and will only get better. We are happy most of the time, there are times when things crop up for my husband and I just have to give him lots of reasurrance and things are fine. I have started different classes this year, I have unfortunately not been able to carry on with the subject I was doing (which I had hoped would lead to a new creative career), I have tried what I thought were alternatives but they have not worked out as the class content has been completely different and not really what I was hoping to do. I have however started 3 different dance classes which I am enjoying very much. I started the first week in January. It was really difficult and I must say I tried to talk myself out of it a few times, my confidence was shot, the thought of going out again and mingling with people after living and working at home for 6 months was very scary. I did manage it though as I forced myself really to do it and I am so glad I did. It has given me a lot of my confidence back and its helping me get a little fitter which is helping me to sleep better (finally), so I do feel better overall. My husband has been great and really encouraging, he says he totally trusts me as I had never even looked at anyone else before this, he knows that is was because I really did love the guy (stupid Me!) that has been a double edged sword for my husband as he says on the one hand its horrible to think I had feelings for someone else but on the other hand he would rather that than see me as the type that just went out looking for fun. He knows I would never do it again, and I wont ever allow myself to get into a friendly position like that with any guy, I have learned a lot. I still have the odd down day, but usually only when my mind wanders and I still ask myself the endless questions I would have liked to ask him. But I have to just accept I will never hear the answers. Another difficulty I have is a couple of my classmates from my original class have been contacting me and asking me to come back to the classes. They dont understand why I am trying alternatives and when I try to make excuses by saying I am thinking of giving the subject up they keep saying no you cant you are too talented etc.etc. My family have also been asking questions, they cant understand why I would want to give it up. Even my husband has said he hates me having to give it up as it held so much promise for my future. Again it raises the question should I go back? Everyone on this site has said I should not consider it. But my closest friend who knows everything that has happended and my husband both say that I should think about going back. My husband says he trusts me completely so he has no fear. He knows how hurt I have been and would never go there again. But I dont know what my own reaction would be so im not convinced. I am hurt at having to give up this subject and possibly a future career but I dont know if I could go into the classroom and act like nothing has happened, its a real problem. I have looked everywhere for alternatives even in the next town but there is nothing that suits. I just want to say to anyone out there who is in the position I have been in that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a very dark journey but I am coming out the other end now. Its a healing process and you have to give yourself the time and let yourself off the hook a bit until you feel a little stronger, then start to make plans for when you feel even better, when that day comes stick to your plans even if you dont really feel like it and step by step you will see the light again. I would like to wish everyone well for the future.Take Care. Mae x
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): Hi,I agree with Devine and reading your messages although they are from last year that you will never get any truthfull answers, I do not know as you have not updated that you not have had the answers you are seeking, I hope you have started the classes you mentioned in your last message.I have been where you are and it is horrible to loose your whole self belief,I hope things are working out for you, let us know how you are getting on now that this year is under way, and give us an update on everything as it goes along, your story has helped so many others and also made woman stand up and respond in return, that is what this site all about.We look forward to hearing from you. June H.
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reader, Divine Help +, writes (28 January 2009):
The best approach is to cut out all contact with the man you had the affair with. By doing so, you re-establish trust with your husband. If your husband finds out you still want to contact with this man outside of your marriage, you run the risk of losing him as well. I know you have unanswered questions, but, what makes you think you would beleive any answer he would give you? All of your emotional energy should be invested into your husband. As that grows, you won't have a need for your questions about the affair to be answered.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): Thanks Ms Anonymous, I think I owe some of the ladies a big apology. They are here to help and as you say their experiences are different. They seem to be very protective of your husband, and they are always considering him at the back of their mind. Me I'm protective of your studies and your talents, but I'm sure that we have you, your marriage and your husbands welfare at heart. Sorry ladies, my words were sharp and undeserved... Season's greetings everyone...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): Hi, I think Diovanlestet is right about you trying courses elsewhere and not giving up your dream completely, this story has all the twists in it and you have to get on with your life. Lots of people have there own opinions and I will add mine, you have been treated by one man so badly and another(your husband)has seen his past mistakes and made a bad situation better for you, it is really nice to see a man do the old fashioned thing and fly to his wifes defense, you are very lucky and as said before he must love you a lot to forgive and stand up for you. You are getting better we can see that in every post you replies too.It must be hard for you to know that this teacher has acted so badly and that your class was canceled, he is a wimp and your husband so gallant, no wonder you are working things out, as others said good for your husband why is the world not full of his kind and not the others who are only out for theirselves. You will get harsh comments but that is what this site is here for sometimes we don't like what we hear but sometimes it lets us smell the coffee too.Other people have been hurt and deal with things in their own way,I as a woman if treated in the same way as you, would have had a little more to say and yes think I might have been spiteful, but you have tried your best to get answers and this wimp won't even give you courtesy.I think reading your posts that you are strong enough to move away from anything involved with this teacher and as you say you are starting fresh dance classes maybe this is what you need and will give you and your husband the fresh start away from your harsh treatment.I wish you and your husband a great future its sounds like you both deserve it,you will never hurt him again I can read that in your letters and that will let him build his trust again,I think you are very lucky and that you will never lose site off agian I am sure. Have a great Christmas safe in each others arms, and forget about the past he (wimp) will I'm sure have the Christmas he deserves for his past,that is justice too. Merry Xmas to everyone who cares about fellow human beings.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (13 December 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Diovanlestat, Thank you for your replies once again. I am feeling much better thank you, I have off days now but its only the odd one compared to before. I am very lucky because of how supportive my husband has been for me,he said he would defend my honour anytime. We have tried to be there for each other through all of this, we have had no harsh words or anything. We have both had terrible low points but we have lifted and comforted each other through them. I also believe we will go from strength to strength. As I said I dont wont to hurt him ever again and if it would hurt him for me to return to class I wont do it, the tutor only cancelled the one class he thought I might turn up for, the rest of the course is still running and will be back again after christmas. I did this class twice a week and it has been a big wrench for me, as you say when you really love a subject its difficult to just give it up. I will search again for alternatives and maybe it will just take a bit more time but im sure I will get back to it one way or another. I have always loved dancing and I have enrolled for 3 different dance classes which start after the New Year. I think this will be good for me to do something physical and get some excersize. I have not really done anything for the last 6 months so I am looking forward to getting back out there and getting on with my life. I would like to thank you for your replies, you helped me when I was having my darkest hour. I hope you have a lovely christmas and I hope the New Year is filled with happiness for you. Thank You ....Mae xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008): Ms anonymous, maybe you don't like studying and books, but I do. I could sleep with the whole class, everyone could hate me, and I'd still continue, and I would go back. So I do understand what Mae is saying, she's made it clear, time and time again, how much she misses the STUDIES, and if she could find an alternative she would take that instead... As difficult as it seems to understand, there are more important things than men and revenge...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008): Dear Mae,
I agree that anonymous woman's answer was very harsh, but she's wrote to you before, and she is seems to be always like that. She has her views, I have mine, and only you know the truth. I totally understand about the college, I know how important that was to you, I've done adult college too. Maybe she hasn't, maybe she doesn't realize that it's not easy to walk away from your subject after all the hard work and learning you had to do. Ah well, that's her and I am me and you is you....
Glad to see your update, and I've seen you around the boards helping other women out. That's real nice of you, and I know that some of them have written to you and thanked you for sharing your time and experience. I can see you are trying to make the best of your time, and yes you are healing. Your actually healing faster than you probably realise. When you first came here you sounded so sad and broken, you don't sound like that anymore. You sound a lot stronger, more hopeful, and I have every faith that in a little while, this situation will be in the past and you and your husband will have forgotten about the whole thing...
So your husband talked to him... YIPPIE, good for your husband. He is hurting to and it seems he's less angry about your actions than the way you have suffered under the hands of the other man. GOOD FOR YOUR HUSBAND. I like him, you can keep him, as you say, he's starting to do the right thing by you, and make up for some of the previous ways he treated you... lol... What he did was a very good thing, and as a husband he has every right to interfere and defend your honour and your hurt feelings...
Right about school, it's Christmas, I'm sorry you didn't get to go to the party, but that happens, everyone is so busy at this time. I'm not sure what your studying but could you try the Open University. OK you don't get to meet up often and it's all online, and it's expensive, but it might be a way to continue your course. Otherwise, if your not working, try the nearest town next to you that's running it. As you say, he's cancelled the course, and it's easier for him to do that, then have the danger of having to teach you and look in your face and teach at the same time...
Congratulations, that is what I call good revenge. You just want to continue your courses, and because your getting on with your goals in life, he that is wicked, gets in the way, and is forced to move on...
Keep up the good work, and never give up on your dreams... Forget about Ms anonymous, I think she has her own issues that may be making her advice less than helpful to you... If we don't speak again, have a merry Xmas, to you and your husband and the people who treat you well... Blessings..
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (13 December 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I think your replies were a little harsh. Firstly I would never do anything to hurt my husband or make him frantic as you said. We have discussed everything to the last detail, I know how he feels and he knows how I feel, he is not frantic because he knows I would never hurt him again and he says he trusts me as after 27 years this was the only mistake I had made. He has said all along he would have liked me to back to class as there are really not any other options in my area for this subject, so using my talent elsewhere is not an option. My class mates know nothin about what has happened, everything happened outside the class and inside he acted in a proffesional manner, so they know nothing. I am sorry you think that I hurt so much I just want to hurt everyone else because that simply is not true. Have I told his wife?, have I reported him to his place of work? (which was suggested by some of my other replies), have I gone back to classes? No I have not done any of these things because I dont want to hurt anyone.
I dont need to to told to appreciate my husband either, I do appreciate him and tell him that every day, he knows I would never hurt him again. Yes I am hurt and maybe revengfull thinking is not good but it is only natural, its not something I would act upon but it is natural. This site is a place for people who have been hurt and upset to vent their feelings and get other opinions, I thank you for your opinion but I feel you have shown a complete lack of understanding, maybe you have been lucky enough not to have been used and lied to by someone you love and then had to give up so much of yourself because of it. I hope you never do experience these things because then you will know exactly how I feel.
I hope I do find peace, most of the time I am just getting on with every day life but yes sometimes things crop up that upset me, and thats why I decided to update.
The main reason I want to go back to class is to just carry on with my subject with the people I shared it with for two years, its not for revenge. I do feel it would be like saying to him you cannot control my life and I will carry on regardless of you. I also realise that if I cant go back and carry on with my subject that it is just something else I have to accept.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): Another thought, when you say you want to go back to that class, it will Never be the same as it was. You wouldn't enjoy it because your 'friends' that didn't invite you to the party, would be talking behind your back, or constantly watching you, and you would be the one squirming and feeling like a fool.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): Hi, you are six months away from the affair you had, but you want to go and make this tutor you had an affair with squirm, you have said that your husband has had to tell him your felings and that this man has ignored you and your letters, you still keep rattling on about the man you had an affair with and want to make him feel bad.I agree with the other person who wrote last,if I had an affair and my husband was doing what yours was then why would I want to keep hurting him,you seem to be full of hurt and want everyone else to be hurt too. It is not nice how you are feeling and will you ever get over these feelings of hurt and unfairness.If it was me I would not want to return to class and be faced with all the feelings you have, it would just keep it all going. It has already been pointed out about your husband but I will again, can you not see that you must have him frantic with how you feel, he has been with you for 6 months after an affair and now still has to think about you back in the class with this man, he must be at his wits end, you think you are missing a lot but as the last person said use your talent else where in life.This is really sad to see another woman destroying her life because of an affair, this whole site is full of woman in despair, in your case you really need closure or you will keeep going forever and how far can you keep pushing everything before you or your husband breaks. Good Luck and find Peace.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): You really need to get closure of this man. Why would you want to be near him at all? To torture him as he has done to you? That's revengeful thinking and will only hurt YOU more. If my husband took me back after I had an affair (emotional, touching), I would be going out of my way to Avoid that man (who almost ruined my life.) I'm sorry if I'm so harsh, but take a good look at this man compared to your husband. Your relationship was based on fantasy and deceit...Your husbands is based on the Real Love.I think you should begin a new chapter in your life. You say you've found a new talent for yourself. Good for you! But is this class the only way to cultivate it? How about thinking outside the box? Can you use this talent in a place of business? The more you socialize and use your gifts, the more clearer your mind becomes. You will really see the blessings and love in your life and want to protect them.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (11 December 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I just though I would write in with an update. It has now been nearly six months since it all came out about my affair. My husband and I are still trying to work things through. He has been great really but it is very difficult at times for both of us but we are trying to help each other. My husband was really annoyed by the fact that my affair had banned me from the classes. He felt the choice should have been made by him and me through discussion, but he had taken that away from us, epecially when it was obvious he was only thinking of himself when he said it, it was to save him awkwardness and embarrasement. My husband bumped into him in the street and basically took the chance to tell him how badly we were both affected by everything that had happended and he told him how I had given up everything and been depressed. He did not even show any concern what so ever, he did not say sorry, he could not even mention my name whilst talking. My husband then told him that it would be up to me and him if I returned to class and that he would not decide. I found out the following class had been cancelled. I was not going anyway but it looks like he cancelled rather than have me turn up.
I now feel in a bit of a dilema. I miss my classes very much and my friends very much. I have tried to get an alternative class but there is nothing else in my area doing this subject. I found out on Tuesday that the class had there Christmas night out, I had met one of the ladies a few weeks ago and she said she would contact me when it was arranged. Nobody contacted me to invite me, I was so upset about that. I know its a silly thing and I would not have gone anyway because of my husband, but I cant help feeling that he has said something to put them off inviting me as I have been to all the other nights out for the last 2 years. I was so angry at the thought of him sitting there with all my friends having a good time, then going home to his wife and telling her of his good night whilst I am totally excluded from my classes, my friends and the nights out. He has been completely unaffected by all of this. I have not told his wife, I have not contacted his place of work. I did write letters but he ignored them and I have basically had to accept that too. Is it not unfair or do I deserve it?
I wish I could go back to class, i dont care if it would make him uncomfortable and awkward. I would like to see him squirm. He wont want me there, because I know who he really is, and he wont want reminded of that when he is swanning about acting like the gentle, sincere sort of guy he likes to portray himself as....all lies. I have discussed the classes with my husband and he does say he does trust me again (I would not spit on this man if he was on fire), and he wants me to fullfill myself as I had a real talant for the subject I was taking. But he also has obvious reservations about me being in the same room as him every week. It is very difficult, I would not ever do anything to harm my husband and that includes going back to the classes, I just feel its so unfair and I dont know how to deal with it. I have told people I am giving up the subject I was taking and they are all horrified saying I was so talanted and really found my niche. I feel I am going to have to accept that this is now over, I have no other choices. Please I would be interested in any opinions on what I should do about this.
Many Thank....Mae
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Hello Mae5, as Ariel says do not let this man destroy you, do not put your life on standstill any more, we are all hear for you, as your husband also appears to be,as you will see from other woman in the same position as you, life does go on and can even be better with a bit of time and effort, forget about so called Tutor who takes advantage of vunerable woman in his classes and move on, as the other agony aunts have suggested. Life will be their for you to enjoy and you will find new interests or maybe even move away with your hubby to start again.I am sure after reading your posts that you will get this adulterer out your life and learn the lessons of infidelity and enjoy life within a loving relationship with your husband, 25 years was a long time before done this. Forget about the wrongs and make good the rights. I wish you every comfort during this time. Love Jenny.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Hi,I think its wonderful that you now have made things up with your husband and can now see what a true relationship is all about, I do agree with you that councelling is probably the only way forward for you.I think you should help other woman who are in a similiar postion to you, it's a pity that sometimes we have to be faced with such hardship before we relise what we had. I hope you recover from this and start having that honest relationship with your husband that you once had. Forget this man he was horrible to you and going by your letters is not worth puting your life on hold for.Continue to let your huband be your saviour and don't let anyone keep you knocked down, this man was not worth any of your time or effort, well done to you for keeping us informed and all the best for you and your husbands future. Kind thoughts Lexy.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (22 October 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the replies I have had they have been helpfull. I think I will go on and try to help others who have been in my position. I feel that this experience has destroyed me as a person. My husband says I am an empty shell compared to who I used to be. He has been affected by the lies as much as anything, we always had a very honest relationship (painfully honest at times, but honest), thats why he caught me out he said he knew straight off I was lying because I had not lied before. When my husband confronted this man he had the nerve to ask my husband "how many times has she done it before" even though I told him everything about myself, he obviously did not believe me. I never lied to him, I loved and trusted him and did not have any reason to lie, I feel he did not really know me at all, and I certainly did not know him as I have found out he lied about lots of things. He had all the right words to say when he was trying to get something for himself yet in the end he had very little to say and what he did say left me feeling cheap, used and lied to. He always tried to say he was an honourable man, I am human too, if he was honourable why did he not just leave me alone if he was not really interested. The words love and honour were just words he banded about to make himself sound good but he does not know the true meaning of either one.
My life is still at a standstill, my husband thinks I should go for councelling to deal with everything that has happended. If only I had forseen all the pain this was going to cause I would never have even thought about it. I was so foolish, full of silly romantic ideas, whilst he was only thinking about getting his leg over. If only he knew how horrible it feels to me to think I had only ever been with my husband in my whole life and I gave that up for someone who just wanted to use me for his own ends, I just cant beleive it. I know all of this is my own fault, I brought it on myself. I have been knocked down so hard by it I dont know if I can ever get up properly. My husband has turned out to be a Knight in Shining armour for me, he has pulled me back from the edge and been my saviour. He says I have done it for him before and he wants to be there for me now. I am so lucky and I know in time I will come through this. Again Thank you to everyone who has taken time to answer me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Hear hear to all the posters out there for trying to help Mae with this one, stress is a terrible thing and can make people act out of character, your husband seen the light, which will have helped him make things better and which will have helped him to forgive you and be there for you in this period of your life, now you need to learn to forgive yourself and enjoy your lives together. You can get over the pain we all know that, it does take time. you must not give up on everything,like Diovanlestat says take up new interests, life must go on and we all agree this teacher must be punished for what he has done, for not only what he has done but for the way he has made you feel. Do not put your life on hold get out with your husband and do not let him walk about freely to torment you, has your husband not confronted him about all of this, because I know I would, he stood up for you at the start, he must see what this man has done to your life and want to confront him again. This kind of behaviour from teachers is unacceptable, he would know you were vunrable and took advantage, you have tried to get answers as we can see,forget this man he will have done it before and will do it again, do not be hard on yourself as you were taken advantage off. Good Luck to you and your husband marraige is not always a bed of roses, but it sounds like you really care about each other, forgive each other for your mistakes and you be happy again. Jamie
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Seven weeks or so is not a long time for the heart to heal. Please be gentle on yourself. It was not only your fault, but your husbands and the guy also did wrong. I know you want to take responsibility for your actions, and this is a good thing. But you would not have been in this situation, as I said, if things in your marriage was good..
I can read Mae, so can everyone else, we can understand the pain that you was in that let you become vulnerable to this practiced seducer.
"This led to me having to deal with verbal abuse and occasionally physical abuse these these things did over time lead to my feelings for him changing" Mae, 18th September...
I don't want to remind you about the bad times babes, but you need to forgive yourself and your husband and stop judging yourself for being a woman who was hurting and looking for love. It's early days, this will take time, but you will become strong again, you will stop hurting, your husband and you will become stronger and more and more in love as time goes on. By the end of next year this will all be but a bad memory. Be gentle to you, and love and accept yourself, because you was hurting and vulnerable and your still hurting and vulnerable now....Take care of you babes, and don't worry, the pain and anger will go. Try to find a new hobby or interest. Go swimming, call those friends in class, take up voluntary work, repaint the house, go to the gym, or as "eyes" has mentioned, stay with us here on DC and tell other women and men about your experience to help them fix their marriages... You need to find something interesting to do, to take your mind off things. I feel your pain babes, I'm sorry, all you need is time and the pain will go away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Sorry Mae, but I know you also miss your friends and your classes, and you feel that only you and your husband have been punished. I know you probably don't want to go back to that class, but could you go to another college or take lessons somewhere else.
This man had no right to bar you from his class. You could have made a lot of trouble for him. He is in the wrong. He should not have made advances to a student. That is against his working contract, and he could easily be sacked for that. Talk to your husband about what you can do about your classes. Go to the school and maybe meet some of the students and exchange numbers with them. There is no reason for you to give up your education and your friends, just because you was vulnerable and tricked by this man. He has done this before, I know that, and if the school were to find out he would loose his job. It is against regulations for students and teachers to have sexual relations, even if the student and teacher are both adults......
PS: Your husband was abusive and this made you vulnerable. It would not have happened if had been treating you good. He knows that, this is why he finds it easy to forgive you and change his behaviour. It is not only you who has been at fault here. I have a feeling that your husband has now changed for the better after causing you so much pain and hurt. Start learning to trust and love him again, and everything will work out OK.... Blessings babes, I'm sorry you have been hurt like this by men who promised to love and take care of you.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (17 October 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Becky, thanks again for your reply. My heart is broken because of everything, what i have done to my husband, marraige, the loss of my classes and friends, being treated like dirt by someone I cared for very much. I feel devastated and its all my own fault. My husband has his own business and he went through a 4 year period of extreme stress and a lot of things happened and I suppose I was the closest in the firing line, but he did come to realise what he was doing and has tried very hard to make it up. I did not mention any of this before because I do not want to put any blame on my husband for what I have done, it is my responsability. I am going from day to day trying hard to live a normal life but feel that I cant.
I did a couple of other classes before and I have stopped them as well because they are held in the same venue where the other man teaches, I have stopped everything because I dont want my husband to have to worry about me running into him and I also dont know what my own reaction would be. Some days i want to give him a peice of my mind and others I think I might just cry or something pathetic like that so I stay away. My life is on hold. He on the other hand carries on like I never existed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Hi Mae,Thankyou for your reply, I do feel for you I was pointing out that there is a lot of worse feelings you could be going through, you sound like you want to carry on with your marriage, but have a broken heart, is that because you are still in love with this other man or becuase of what you have done to your husband, you also say that your husband bullied you for years which seems to contradict all the kind wonderfull feelings you have told us about from your husband, do you believe that your marriage can grow and be revived or do you yearn to be with the other man,he by all that you have told us walked away so how could he ever have been genuine? I hope you get over all these feelings that you have, and we are all thinking of you during your time of need, do try to remember all the reasons why your husband has hung in there, he must think you are special even though you feel so bad at the moment,we as woman do not deserve to give to men who do not appreciate us for what we are, I hope you have a good weekend and may God be with you in your time of need. Love Becky
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 October 2008):
Mae, I think you could do a lot of good if you respond to the cheating female postings on this site. They almost always want responses from women who have been in their shoes.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (16 October 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Becky, Thank you for your reply. Everything you say is true of course. I am sorry you think I am making things worse, but I have contacted this man only twice and with my husbands knowledge and consent. I am devastated with guilt, shame and humiliation. I am very well aware of my husbands feelings, I live with them every day as well. I am doing everything possible to make it up to him. I know there is no excuse for what I have done and I probably deserve all the things you spoke about.
I dont know where to turn, I have done something I never thought I was capable of doing. I had felt bullied within my marraige for years then I met this man whome I thought was genuine, I fell in love, made a terrible mistake, then realised that it was all lies from him. I know im feeling sorry for myself, I have no right, I deserve it.
My husband has really been great because he feels partly responsible for this happening due to past events. I have assured him of course that he is in no way responible, I created all the pain and I have to live with it.
I feel full of remorse, guilt, shame and humiliation for what I have done. I have lost my classes and friends (none of them knew my husband or about the affair) and I also have a broken heart. If only I could turn the clock back I would.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Hi There, I would like to reply to your post,I understand that you have been used and let down but you constantly make references about feelings towards the other man who lets face it has treated you like dirt, you talk about how caring and understanding your husband has been but still say you have mixed feelings towards this other man, wake up girl and look at what is staring you in the face every morning and when you go to sleep at night, not some one who walked away from you and wont even reply to you.I think you are making a fool of yourself and your husband, constantly trying to contact this man, wasting all your time and feelings on this man.You say you lost friends at the course you wre studying, did they all support you sleeping with the tutor even though they may also be friends with your husband, I think not!! You should listen to your friend about your marraige as she will know your husband and thinks he is worth being with. You talk about all your pain can you imagine the pain your husband is going through and yet he still wants to care for you and been wonderfull about everything as you say, you don't know what you have in front of you, do you,did he make you feel used and walk away from you no he has stood by you. You are depressed and mixed up because you fell in love with a lie, what about all the lies you must have told, just a little bit hypocritical I think. You say how he constantly told you he loved you and I think reading your posts that you must have told him all the same things back, I pressume he knew you were married so what makes his lies worse,or was it okay for you to have sex with him although you say not all the way you say, but then you feel used,you also knew he was married and did not care about his wife, or did he also lie about that, or did you just pretend his wife didn't matter. You must have given all things sacred to a marraige to this man,or were they not sacred when he told you constantly that he loved you with him.He was not your soul mate I would have thought that was a little bit apparant to you, he has stayed away from you as you say and doesn't want to reply or he would have, he was a married man having an affair and has done what so many other married men do, got what wanted and ran away from you, commitment and possibly your husband, although your husband does not sound like he has caused any fuss about this, he must be some husband,yet still you think about your feelings and your affairs feelings. You have missed one vital feeling in your postings which is HATE, you keep writing to this man who will not contact you if you keep acting like arial says a bunny boiler he will grow to hate you persistantly persuing him when he is getting on with his and his wife life, if his wife finds out she will hate you and blame you for stealing her man, if he has family they will hate you for being his affair, his friends will hate you for trying to split him and his wife up,the friends you have in class may even hate you if he is sacked for having an affair with a student,your family if you have one as you do not mention family will hate you for what you have done, your mutual freinds with you husband will hate you for the way you treated him (your husband I mean)and most importantly this caring, wonderfull man you talk about could even end up hating you, his understanding may only last for so long as you keep trying to contact this man and say about being depressed,used, etc no wonder you keep it all going round in your own head. You may may feel bad at the moment but HATE is a far worse feeling than anything you have had to face yet and the way you keep it going round you are setting youself up for the worst emmotion of all, I hope you don't have the wrath of all of these people coming down on you, but you are setting youself up, I think you need to take LOVE not HATE before it is to late and you rebuild not only you but your husbands life again.I know it may not be easy as suggested to move house for your career or your husbands and freinds etc, but you can at least move away from the pain if you really want to and avoid this man instead of trying to keep it going or get answers you want to hear, he has given you the answers and the clues, take note before you end up in a hate filled world. Only you can stop this from happening, I wish you all the LOVE and contentment in the world, you did make it to 25 years,I hope you go on for the rest of your life with the love that you are lucky enough to have from your husband. Best wishes for the future. Becky
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (8 October 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Thank you for your reply, it is a great help to hear you and your husband have been able to put it all behind you and build a great relationship again. My husband is still sticking by me and has been wonderfull really considering everything. I did write to the man again, with my husbands knowledge,I knew it was a waste of time but I felt so desperate for answers, I just simply could not believe that he could have lied the way he did. He also said he thought I was his sould mate... said he loved me repeatedly....then turned his back and ran a mile. He only lives two streets away from us which is very difficult. I have not seen him around, I think he is hiding. I know the classes are still on which is a great source of pain for me because I have lost all the friendships I had made in the classes also because I can no longer attend. I have seen his wife round about and have felt tempted to tell her everything but I have stopped myself as I would not like her to be hurt because of me.We are trying to rebuild our lives but I am finding it very difficult, I am still mixed up with my feelings about the other man and my husband. My husband deserves all my love and attention. Sometimes I just feel so totally let down and sad that I cant face anything. Its the feeling of being used, not being able to confront him and get any decent answers. I keep telling myself its my own fault anyway but still it goes round my head. My friend tells me just to forget about it and put my energy into rebuilding my marraige, Iknow she is right I for the most part that is what I am doing, but I just feel so depressed. I dont understand how I could have fallen in love with a total lie!I have also wondered if he has done this before but will probably never know. I just keep telling myself give it time it will pass, but I cant shake the negative feelings. I am very lucky that my husband has been so understanding and caring. He knows I am going through a lot of emotion and tries to understand, although I dont want to burden him with it all. I hope we can build things again in the same way you have, that is what I really want. Thank You.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (8 October 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Thank you for your reply, it is a great help to hear you and your husband have been able to put it all behind you and build a great relationship again. My husband is still sticking by me and has been wonderfull really considering everything. I did write to the man again, with my husbands knowledge,I knew it was a waste of time but I felt so desperate for answers, I just simply could not believe that he could have lied the way he did. He also said he thought I was his sould mate... said he loved me repeatedly....then turned his back and ran a mile. He only lives two streets away from us which is very difficult. I have not seen him around, I think he is hiding. I know the classes are still on which is a great source of pain for me because I have lost all the friendships I had made in the classes also because I can no longer attend. I have seen his wife round about and have felt tempted to tell her everything but I have stopped myself as I would not like her to be hurt because of me.We are trying to rebuild our lives but I am finding it very difficult, I am still mixed up with my feelings about the other man and my husband. My husband deserves all my love and attention. Sometimes I just feel so totally let down and sad that I cant face anything. Its the feeling of being used, not being able to confront him and get any decent answers. I keep telling myself its my own fault anyway but still it goes round my head. My friend tells me just to forget about it and put my energy into rebuilding my marraige, Iknow she is right I for the most part that is what I am doing, but I just feel so depressed. I dont understand how I could have fallen in love with a total lie!I have also wondered if he has done this before but will probably never know. I just keep telling myself give it time it will pass, but I cant shake the negative feelings. I am very lucky that my husband has been so understanding and caring. He knows I am going through a lot of emotion and tries to understand, although I dont want to burden him with it all. I hope we can build things again in the same way you have, that is what I really want. Thank You.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Hi, I have read your story and feel for you as I have been in a similiar situation, I also had an affair with my tutor and my husband found out,I also had never been with any one else in 17 years of marraige and ended up being swept of my feet by this man who seemed to say all the right things to me and I totally believed him, you say that you never went all the way but he used you for sex? I felt so used too as when it came down to the crunch my so called soul mate ran a mile, I did try to contact him but he never took the time to even reply to me,I was angry and decided as one of the other answers to let his wife know exactly what kind of man she was married too,he is still married to her so I guess he talked his way out of it the same way he promised that he loved me all of those times he kept on telling me, I have found out since that I was not the first which made me feel terrible as he told me I was the only other woman that he had been with outside marriage and like you I believed him,I gave him all my time and thoughts and didn't look close enough to home to relise that everything I gave to him I could have been giving to my husband. Time has now passed and with deep regret, I have now patched things up with the my husband,it has taken a lot of forgiveness on his behalf and time for him to trust me again, but it has all been worth it, I now have the loving relationship and sex life that we should of had before i did this terrible thing to him, I managed to rid my mind of my affair to put everything back into my marriage, I gave my husband eveything in return for the way he stood by me when I let him down. You say that your husband has been forgiving, please let us know how you are coping and if your husband is still sticking by you,I hope you are as lucky as me and he is, have you had any further contact or a reply from this man so you don't feel used,I take it as with all his kind that he is still teaching and probably chatting away to other female students as though he is a kind caring man,what is it about these men that they can make us feel so important then when it comes down to what is important they treat us so badly, I would like to see some replies from men to why they won't even reply when they know how badly this leaves us feeling, come on speak up for once, I am sure that with your conviction towards your husband who sounds very caring that like me you will go on towards a lifetime off love and that the way you have felt will or may have already passed, please let us know how things are going as this board seems to help so many woman feel tehy are not the only victims out there. Love Judy.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (19 September 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you once again for your replies, I am finding them very helpfull. I am not going to tell his wife as I would not cause her any pain just to try and get back at him. I am trying so hard to stay strong and I am trying to show my husband that I am committed to making our marraige work. As this is the only mistake I have made during our marraige he says he can forgive me totally, which I know is very difficult so I am very lucky. I just find it so hard to get over the feeling of being lied to and being used. I was so trusting and stupid. I always thought I was a good judge of character yet I did not see this coming. I just keep reminding myself that it was my own fault, and that husband did not deserve any of this,no matter what happened between us before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): I'd tell the other man's wife anonymously.He doesn't deserve a loving relationship. He deserves all the pain and humiliation he will feel once she comes down on him like a ton of bricks.It already happened to you. Now all you can do is brush away the rubble of your life and attempt to rebuild it.our husband has done the right thing by giving you a second chance. Don't let that decision be misplaced.Flynn 24
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): And still you persist with the other man. Still he as a hold over you. Why not think about you husband instead.
Pathetic.
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reader, Mae5 +, writes (18 September 2008):
Mae5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies I appreciate them. I am thankfull that my husband has been so forgiving. During the three to four year period of unhappiness before my affair started he went through what he now says is depression about stress at work, we work together as its his own business. This led to me having to deal with verbal abuse and occasionally physical abuse these these things did over time lead to my feelings for him changing. He has though over the last year tried to make ammends but unfortunately my heart was already else where. I know this is no excuse and I take full responsablilty for what I have done but I felt lost and I thought this man was a godsend. I am now going to put all my effort into saving my marraige as suggested as I believe that is what I really want. This man's wife does not even know it has happended and I feel he has got away with it totally which angers me. I would not subject her to any pain though. I just wished this had never happened. It has taken away my dignity, my confidence and also my classes where I had made friendships that I feel I can no longer keep up. It is a nightmare and he walks free of it all. It is all my own fault I know, but I still feel it is unfair.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 September 2008):
You played with fire and you got burnt. Just thank your lucky stars that your husband didn't decide to throw you to the wolves. A lot of men would have. Now you need to focus on that wonderful husband, and only him.
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