A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:HiThis may be a long one, but I will try to keep it simple. Basically I met a girl (online because of the pandemic) and we have been chatting, everything was going fine at first until recently when she wants to fight with me every 2-3 days. I've never encountered someone like this before and they have made me question myself, are these things my fault or are they being unreasonable? For reference we are in the same country but at opposite ends, so its not possible to meet at the moment due to covid.So I will give you some examples of the things we have had fights over.1). The first fight is over gift giving. We decided to send gifts to each other for Christmas, having met online a few weeks before. She chose to send me a designer scarf, which was not cheap. I decided to make a candle holder and a painting for her myself, as i tend to prefer making handmade gifts. My hometown has about 200 people and due to the pandemic its not easy to get out. To make things worse I suffered an intussusception of my intestine and have been quite ill. I have explained to her many times I will send it as soon as I am physically able (which requires me to walk to the post office in the next village, a 40 minute walk which is by no means impossible when i am well), however she consistently brings up the point that she sent me something expensive and i did not send her anything yet. She keeps saying it is unfair and is very fixated on the idea that she has to pay for everything in the "relationship" and that i am some sort of freeloader. I feel she is being very unfair and have tried time and again to explain the situation to little avail.2). The 2nd issue is she asked me to help her sell some shoes online. They were supposed to be new, unused and the wrong size. I sold them for her, and then the buyer requested a refund as the shoes were clearly not clean. She asked me would i pay her the money, so i said yes i had already send it.it turns out what she wanted to ask is would i pay thebuyer the refund for her (English isn't her first language) and she became very angry with me, again saying i only care about money, I'm obsessed with money etc. 3). Another one was she asked me to help her with her paper quite late at night. My laptop was broken at the time so I asked if it was ok to do it in the morning, she said ok, however when i tried to sleep she got angry, saying i didn't want to help her. So i ended up staying up very late trying to edit her many thousand word essay on my phone. She still brings this up saying i never wanted to help her, even though i really tried my best.4) i said i would try to visit her in the summer and by chance it may be possible for me to go to her city for some university research, which is good as the uni would pay for it (I'm a PhD student on a stipend so don't have that much to spend), which would be great for me. She always brings this up saying i didn't even want to pay to visit her, that I don't think she is worth spending money on, that i love money etc.She keeps going on and on about how I'm deceiving her, misleading her, I'm just trying to get her to pay for everything etc. then she will be fine, for a few days, and then out of nowhere start a fight about this again. She is studying alone, away from home, in a foreign country, i get it would be difficult for her, but she just seems to become a different person at times and attack me for no reason.She keeps insisting that I am a terrible person, she cannot trust me, its all because of my behaviour etc that she deserves better, she doesn't deserve to be hurt, its unfair to her etc but I really feel that I've tried my best and she is being totally unreasonable. In my life before I've always found that most people are more or less reasonable but with her nothing I say will get through to her.For example just as i am typing this, she has sent the following message to me "I never expect that I will meet someone who loves me so much, I just hope to care a little bit, equal. It’s a pity that not only did I not meet good things to me, but I also met someone who made me cry....hope you treat the girl you really love much better"I have literally never done anything bad to her, i just can't understand what is going on.Needless to say the relationship is now over, and of course she insists I'm a terrible person who has lied to her from the start, but I just can't understand. I really feel like I've done something wrong even though I think i handled every situation as best I could.
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cheap, christmas, met online, money, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2021): Sounds more like a scammer who is trying to get money off of you, certainly not a relationship if it is all online. You need to be more realistic and honest with yourself about these things.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2021): You are desperate to be in a relationship so you call this a relationship and put up with being treated like shite.
So let us get something clear. You have not met, you are not in a relationship with this person, you are more like penfriends. You are so desperate to believe you have a partner that you put up with being treated like shite.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 February 2021):
 What was it that kept you with this girl? The few good days between the bad? You hadn't even met yet already she was causing you lots of grief. Sweetheart, you deserve better. She sounds very manipulative and a user.
The problem is, I wouldn't mind betting she will try to contact you again because she KNOWS you are not a terrible person, or any of the other things she has accused you of in an effort to control you. I just hope you will have the good sense to block her and not let he back into your life. You need to bear in mind that people can only treat us as badly as we allow. Never allow anyone to treat you badly again. Learn your lesson and move on. There is a girl out there who will treat you the way you deserve. Let this one go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2021): *Scratching my head*
I'm trying to figure-out how and why you tolerated all this toxicity and the meanspirited insults; when all you had to do was say "ENOUGH!" Look at all you've written detailing all she said. This was all online?!!
Learn something about the delete button and how to block unwanted contacts. You didn't have to read or listen to any of it. It's not even a real relationship.
When you've done nothing wrong; standing-up for yourself isn't being mean or rude. It's self-preservation, courageous, being principled, and it demands respect.
You have to set boundaries and limitations in maintaining healthy relationships of any kind. When lines are repeatedly crossed, and compromise or diplomacy can't resolve problems; then you must disengage and discontinue the relationship altogether. You didn't have to put-up with any of it. She's not your wife, and not officially your girlfriend.
Politely wish her well, but you have had enough. Tell her that her rudeness and belligerence is the cause; but the relationship is over. Then block, delete, and leave her alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2021): Clearly at the end you have to refund the buyer of the shoes from your own pocket so keep the scarf in return and let her know that you are doing that and cut all contacts with her. She will find somebody else in no time to put up with her nonsense. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson  +, writes (5 February 2021):
 OP, as much as it pains me to say it.
Honeypie said it... You have to let her go. Just gonna part a few words of my own...
Relationships are built on mutual respect and love.
Youre not getting all that in the moment. She clearly has her own agenda and problems in mind... Both of which you cannot help her to deal with right now because youre not there.
Relationships are hard enough, the insecurites, anxieties, and dread that goes in a regular close relationship gets amplied in a long distance one.
Simple problems that sometimes you dont even have to do with turns to your fault just because of her frustrations.
Normal day to day acts cause anxiety to the point of each of you sending mix signals which agains turn to fights.
Both of you desire human connection and a need for intimacy and whats happening with your relationship is a compromise of things you need. That tension just wants to boil up and it always turns out the sameway one partner gets frustrated and angry woken by the realism of the futility of the situation while the other partner gets hurt and stepped on more while he/she delves deeper into the mantra and brainwashing that this relationship is gonna be worth it.
All the fights you have is gonna put doubts in your head, making you think its your fault... That youre not working hard enough... Not hard enough to make her happy. But its not you. Its the distance... And its not healthy in the long run.
Its not your fault... Youre probably not a bad person like how she puts it.
But the cycle of frustration is just gonna continue whether you like it or not. Honeypie maybe right and that she is just taking advantage of you. But if you really want to be with her, you need a plan to get together and quickly. Ths fights never stop. Trust me, I just went through the exact same thing. Whatever you do I wish you luck and remember to give us an update.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 February 2021):
 OP, let her go.
The one that is focused on money is HER. Send her back the designer scarf and cut all contact.
I think she is trying to not only bully you but take advantage of you.
"She keeps insisting that I am a terrible person, she cannot trust me, its all because of my behaviour etc that she deserves better, she doesn't deserve to be hurt, its unfair to her".
That right there is gaslighting at the 10th degree! End it and try again with SOMEONE else. She sounds manipulative, cruel and just plain mean.
OP, the one who doesn't deserve to be hurt and treated this way... IS YOU.
She sounds like a total cow.
If she is like over tech, imagine her in person? I shudder at the thought!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2021): Let go of her and look for someone else. she is really NOT WORTH it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2021): Hi
Thank your lucky stars that this imaginary relationship is at a distance, you would have such a hard time in the flesh.
Get shot of her whinging and whining and moaning and demands, she must be draining. I would wait for a real relationship with someone who makes you feel happy.
She has done my head in just reading about her, say goodbye while you can and let her wait for a like minded person who she can while away the hours with moaning.
She is not right for you.
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