A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for 6 months. He has OCD and everything has to be in specific order with him. He treats me right overall, but throughout the day he says some pretty hurtful things without realizing it. he has poor manners overall and I don't ever dare to disagree with him. If I say one thing, he disagrees with me nomatter what it is. We were having company over and he made a snotty remark stating "well, just because your family doesn't care about representation..." because I told him the company wouldn't notice a pillow on his bed being out of order. He insulted my family and that hurt me and he always jokes to other people about my hometown (my hometown is run down and is in bad shape) and he is always joking about in with others while I stand right there saying he doesn't understand why my family doesn't leave that place. The other day when we were in bed he looked at me and said I should wear body sprays, saying other girls he knew did and he didn't like that I wasn't that "girly". He also consistently says that my vagina smells funny even though I maintain my hygeine and he has only performed oral on me once...even though he always wants it in return. He also told me I dress cheaply and I should get more button downs. I told him I do not like them and he said I need relationship 101 and that I shoudl wear some things that he likes once in awhile. He will buy me things, but I am starting to wonder if it's because HE wants me to look good FOR him in front of others. I have been patient and almost used to his behavior which is a major result of his OCD, but I am not sure how much more I can handle this. I want to ask him why he wont perform oral on me as well, but I know what the answer will be...
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 October 2010):
 He is trying to make you into his perfect OCD girl. You're that pillow that's out of place on his bed. I know that hurts, but I'm also sure you sense that's what's happening. He may be OCD, and I have known a few people who are, but how he treats you is different than normal OCD compulsions. It seems in hims mind that it's okay to judge you and put you down, if your life, upbringing, clothing, behavior, smell or whatever doesn't fit within his idea of perfection. However, this is abnormal, and you don't have to be abnormal to suite how he feels you need to change. I'll tell him NO. Let him know that you will not be controlled. He can be OCD, but you WILL NOT change to be part of his compulsion. That's not how a relationship should be, and you need to stand firm to who you are and not allow his influence to change you into what he wants.
Tell him, as is, he wants you or he does not. There should be no, "I want you, only if....." Sex is also not one sided. Let him know to please or he will not be orally satisfied. If you don't want to wear body spray, you shouldn't have to. He needs to realize, you are not these other girls, and if that's what he wants, why is he with you? You're an individual, and should be treated as one.
You also need to remember that you do not have to stay in this relationship, if compromising yourself is what's required to keep harmony with him. In a way, it's abusive, and you'll end up trading your self esteem for his abnormal satisfaction. I say, "in a way" because he can't control being OCD. I'd let him know that in order to have you, there has to be some medium. He need to learn to cope with what he can't have his way, because lord knows you do in being with him. If he is not able to, you may have to decide if this relationship is right for you.
I hope this helps, take care.
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