A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am seperated and filing for divorce. I left over 2 years ago. I have numerous assets in many forms. I have numerous trusts. The family home is in a trust. I had built a small fortune while with my soon to be ex wife.I have been trying to get a deal done for these 2 years. There are many issues, The financial crisis being one of them. The disparity between my share and the ex share is different in that I will need to pay the ex off or sell the land (which I do not want too). My new partner has tried to get involved with my financial dealings and made a few suggestions which did not work. I have now tried to exclude her from this but she insists that she wants to have a say in the deal. This is also another reason why a deal has not been agreed.I have two children and have shared arrangment at her 60% me 40% My new partner is very upset and says that I am looking after my ex by paying the ex mortgage while I am with her. I am paying the mortgage but by a court order, cash deposited into an account.My question to you is how do you see it? Am I looking after my ex?My new partner (who has moved out to get some space because of this)insists I am looking after my ex. I do not see it that way. I have no desire to look after my ex however I do have a desire to look after my children and there well being. I do not wish be be back with the ex.My new partner always ask me why do you look after your ex? I say I am notPlease please help
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, moved out, my ex, no desire Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): My new partner has tried to get involved with my financial dealings and made a few suggestions which did not work. I have now tried to exclude her from this but she insists that she wants to have a say in the deal. This is also another reason why a deal has not been agreed.
HUGE RED FLAGS...get rid of the gold digger no matter how good she is in the sack. she will leave you broke and broken some day. i agree with Eyes...nip-nip-nip it
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Oh dear! I can see big red flags & loud warning bells here! Your children need somewhere to live so either pay the ex off in full & final settlement plus give her decent maintenance for the children, or sell the land and give her enough money to buy a decent house of equivalent standard. This is just a reality of life when you get divorced and have young children. Your new partner is not your wife and she had no part in making the money that you and your ex built up together so she will need to respectfully back off and stay out of your finances. What is the financial position of your new partner? Does she have her own assets and a well paid job? Divorce is never fun and it is often quite messy. Divorce law is often loaded in the favour of the woman and sometimes the man gets a bit of a raw deal but when there are children involved that is how it has to be, to protect innocent parties from damage. Would you or your new partner really want your children to be part of the 'child poverty' statistics? How selfish and callous! As one of the other posters pointed out, it is hard enough for your ex and children to have to cope with you leaving and then a divorce, without having to worry about money as well. You sound like you can afford to provide for your children and your pride as a man should make you want to do this properly. Find out the exact reasons why your new partner objects? Does she think you still love your ex? OR, does she want the money for herself? Be careful! There are a lot of women out there who will date you for your money whilst taking another man on the side ... it could be that whilst you are stressed out about this divorce and missing your kids etc, that your are not thinking entirely straight re relationships? It is not the business of your new partner and in any case, it is out of your hands and in legal hands, which is correct, as this protects your children. Also, your ex needs to feel stable and not stressed out in able to be a good mother so depriving her of money will not benefit your children. Your new partner needs to be honest with you about the real root of her concerns. She is clearly worried that together, you and she, will get less of the 'pot' and this is cause for concern re her real motivation to be with you. I can understand second wives etc who don't want to suffer and live in poverty because ALL the money is going to the ex and the ex is not working and is wasting money etc .. but as someone else pointed out, you have a fair enough split and you have assets and it sounds as though your lawyers have worked out a pretty fair deal.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (17 February 2010):
This is the sort of stuff that makes me mad... Why is your new girlfriend upset that you are paying your wife what she deserves? I think you are about to make a mistake being involved with her. I also am involved with a man who had a girlfriend (no kids together) for 25 years. She is much older than him and she is retired. My partner continues to support her financially and I have absolutely no problem with it; they broke up a year before I met him. They never married but she was with him for a long time and as far as I'm concerned (although he has no legal obligation) she deserves to be cared for financially since she was with him so long before I ever met him.
Be very careful of Delilah's pillow talk. Don't think your kids will just watch you abandon their mother and want to continue to have a relationship with you. You already left her physically and emotionally so forcing hardship on her and the children will not serve you well. Support your family and get a new girlfriend. Don't be manipulated. Just tell her firmly that my finances are not up for discussion and that's that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): your new GF seems crazed to get at your money before the ex-wife. You need to look long and hard if you're grooming ex-wife #2...
You need to draw a line at what is your prior to your 2nd marriage (not hook-up) GF's have no status... wives do...
What is GF's prior to marriage is hers, what is yours is yours...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Your new partner sounds like a bit of a gold digger & somewhat manipulative. It is actually none of her business re your divorce finances. As long as the settlement is reasonable for both you and your ex wife then you just have to agree the divorce deal and move on and your new partner will have to accept it. Is she with you for you, or for your money! If she has moved out to make you suffer then call her bluff. Tell her straight it's all legal and above board and she can either accept it or leave for good. You don't need this hassle in addition to going through a divorce. Also, your children are entitled to a decent standard of living as they are innocent in all of this. If your new lady wants more money she can go out and earn it/get a promotion. Eyeswideopen said it quickly and simply 'nip it'!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Yep, time to man up and tell your girlfriend to mind her own beeswax. She is out of line. Nip it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Hi, this is a common problem! I have a female friend who was absolutely furious that her current man/fiance was sending money to his ex - the way she saw it was that 'that is money we could have for our future etc'. They sorted it out but it caused a lot of anger and upset. I guess the thing is to make it clear to your current partner & re-assure her that you meeting your legal obligations to your ex wife & children does not mean that you still love your ex. When a woman gets involved with a man with an ex wife and especially one with children under the age of 19, she must expect that this kind of thing will come with the turf. Many women won't get involved with a man until at he is at least two years clear of the divorce absolute and all the finances are already in place. You sound as though you are very comfortably off financially and still in the negotiating phases of your divorce. I supported my ex partner through his divorce and that final part, where all the finances get sorted, was really bitter & stressful and ultimately gave him a nervous breakdown and caused lots of problems. I think you have to ask your new partner what her main objection is to you meeting your legal obligations to your children and try to talk to her and get to the root of the problem. It could be jealousy and also that she resents you spending any money on an ex when you could be spending it on your & her future together etc etc .. Is the family home in Trust for the children? It is probably less messy to sell the house and split it but with young children and it being their home it's not so simple. All you can do is be clear and honest and show her the paperwork, make it clear what your legal obligations are and if necessary take he with you to your solicitor so she can have it explained properly. As you probably know, after a longish marriage, especially one involving children, the law looks at fairness rather than who paid for what etc etc and looks at finding a way for both parties to survive financially post-divorce. Maybe if you explain all the legal stuff to your new partner she will understand this. If she loves you and wants to make a future with you (finances aside and being put out of the equation) then you should be able to reach an understanding. I can think of at least 5 women who have reacted badly to their current partner/husband spending money on exes and children, including a friend who was furious that her husband (very well off earning approx £500,00 per yr) bought a small run around car for his son as a graduation present .. he bought it anyway but she was not best pleased, even though he pays for private school for her daughter and has adopted her and bought them a big house to live in and bought her a brand new top of the range car .. the mind boggles! Also, be careful that your new lady is genuinely in this for a relationship with you and not just wanting a comfortable life because she could end up leaving you if she thinks a proportion of your hard earned cash (some of which was clearly accumulated whilst you were with your ex and which you may not have been able to accumulate if your ex had not been caring for the children?? etc etc ..) is going to your ex. One of my friends got called a 'gold digger' by the ex and she still resents any expenditure on the children but they do seem to be happily married. I do think ex wives etc should work and try and help themselves and there is a balance between the ex husband meeting his responsibilities and being a meal ticket for life because there are children involved but in your case it sounds as though a legal order has been made and a 60-40 split is not uncommon and sounds quite fair depending on the age of the children. I hope this is of some help. Good luck :)
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 February 2010):
No disrespect to your new partner, but she is living in a dreamland. You were married to your wife and you have children with her. That means you have to pay maintenance whether anyone likes it or not. You're not looking after your ex, you're giving her essentially what she put in, in terms of her being mother to your children and such. In fact, I would be worried more about this new girlfriend, who appears to care more for your money than you. Pay close attention to her, my friend, or you might end up paying for two ex's.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): This seems rather similar to what me and my ex husband went through. He left me for a new woman and the new partner felt aggrieved that he was paying our mortgage and giving me substantial maintenance, but when you have children and you get divorced if the man has been the earner and you have been married a long time then the courts will always make the man pay the mortgage on the family home until the children leave full time education. As I made my ex husband what he is today and brought up his children I am also entitled to a substantial amount. This is the way it goes and takes into consideration the wife's age, earning capacity, contribution and the like.
I understand that your new partner doesn't like this but in effect it is absolutely nothing to do with her. It all happened before she came on the scene and even though she doesn't like it it is tough luck so to speak. Your g/f is obviously very jealous about the amount of money going out but really it is none of her business. My ex husbands partner hated it and kept poking her oar in but it had no effect. You should be financially looking after your ex wife and kids so there is nothing wrong with that. Ask yourself if this partner is as keen on you as she is your money.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Your new girlfriend makes me nervous. With the help of your wife, and yes, she helped, she made beds, looked after kids, done tons of stuff, you built up a bit of money. You have a fair split at 60% (her) 40% (you) in relation to your children. You are paying so your children don't end up on the street without a roof over their head. You have numerous trusts and assets, I'm guessing your wife has few. So your new girlfriend wants you to keep as much as you can, whilst your wife feeds your children cat food, and they move house and go live in a small tiny house, which is probably all she'll be able to give them.
Why is she so interested in your money. Did she help you to get this money? You can't sort out your divorce because your girlfriend is upset, not your wife.. What kind of nonsense is that.
Be carefull old man, this girl seems very interested in your financial situation. A financial situation that she didn't help you build. I suggest you set up a will and a trust for your kids to make sure no matter what happens they can be looked after. I also suggest you tell her to mind her own business, you got rich without her help, and I doubt that you are stupid over money now. I also suggest, if you are thinking about marrying this woman, you make sure that you get a pre-nuptual agreement first. She's already fighting to cut your wife and kids the worse financial deal you can. If you and her marry and divorce, that's exactly what she'll be like in regards to which she think are her fair rewards.
I've never heard anything like this.... why dose the word "gold digger" come to mind. Tell her to stay out of your business and you and your ex wife come to a fair solution which acknowledges her help in your good fortune and also looks after the children. When the divorce is finally, she'll have to start paying some of the mortgage or she will have to sell and move your kids somewhere else.
...............................
|
