A
male
age
41-50,
*dx1983
writes:My girlfriend and i have been going out for over a year now...we have had a fairly rocky relationship (mainly due to the fact i have a 2 year old son by another woman). It was fine to start with but as time has passed i have tried to keep my girlfriend happy whilst trying to keep contact with my son who lives 300 miles away. Originally i went to visit every 2 weeks for the weekend, staying at my mum's house with him...this i had to cut down to once a month because my girlfriend wasn't happy i was dedicating more time to him than to her.So to solve this i suggested she came down with me to see my son, which was ok for a while until she decided she couldn't handle it anymore and now doesn't want to go down with me to see him.Even though i only see him once a month and my relationship with my ex girlfriend is 'frosty' to say the least it still isn't enough and my new girlfriend is making me choose between her and my son (altough her excuse is that it's a choice between her and my ex as my new girlfriend can't stand her and sees her as a threat) but if i lose contact with my ex it means i don't see my son.I really dont know what to do anymore...i really don't want to lose my new girlfriend but i also don't want to lose contact with my son...is there middle ground??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): First of all what kind of a woman is that she would make you choose over your own child? That is just wrong!!!
Second, be thankful that you were given the opportunity to have a child. There are lots of couple who would give anything to have a child.
Third, I don't care how awesome you think your gf is but with that attitude towards your kid...heck! tell her... honey there's the door don't let it hit you on your way out! I'm sure there will be plenty of woman who can and will love you with your child.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): So did u dump the gf or? I have a similar issue ...and i think yeah, there's no middle ground ... you have to chose. I am very new to parenting and when my ex died, she left me the kid but i was not in the same country where she lives and we broke up before it happened ... i chose my gf over the kid for reasons that i am not ready to be a parent yet and thinks came so abrupt for me... it's been a month now but i feel like my conscience is killing me .. i can take the thought of abandoning a kid :( ... I'm thinking of just disappearing and going where my kid is and try to live quietly ... What do you guys think?
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A
male
reader, lovestrangelove +, writes (16 October 2009):
Your son first.
No brainers 'cause you're getting on the wagon with a very possible jealousy/control freak here.
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A
female
reader, yesca3  +, writes (4 August 2009):
hey. First off i want to share something i learned after getting hurt.Maybe you can use my mistake to your advantage. When you care for someone it is because you like them for who they are not who you want them to be.You accept who that person is and dont try to mold them into someone else. You had a son,I have a son as well 1 1/2.When i was little my dad always put his friends and girlfriends before me,my parents were divorced and when I got older i realized how much this hurt me and effected me later on.I have a lot of problems in relationships because i am afraid to get too close to someone because im afraid i will never be first in their life.Take my advice and save yourself but more important your son a lot of pain. He is your blood. your son.He didnt ask to be here you and his mom brought him in the world.Love him. put him first. This helps you find the right girl because they will accept you and love you for who you are and that means excepting your son because who you are is a father.This girl has insecurity issues like so many of us do. Tell he if she loves you she will accept that your son is number one.If she cant show her where the door is.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 It sounds like your girlfriend wants a clean slate: she loses her family, you lose yours... She may resent the fact that you have an ex and a child complicating your relationship with her. If she's willing to risk breaking off with her own family, she doesn't see the sacrifice she's asking as too great.
I think the situation with her family is crucial in all this. I can't imagine anything more likely to distort a loving relationship than having that hanging over your head -- the girl's parents will disown her if they find out about you! That's a lot of stress to carry and it's causing her to be less than generous to you. If that side of the relationship can be fixed, I suspect the thing with your son might be resolved naturally.
I don't know where you are, or what kind of "Asian" you're talking about. In the UK it would refer to Indian/Pakistani. In the US it would refer to East Asian. How likely is it that you can resolve the matter of her parents? In my experience, for many East Asians all can be forgiven once there is a grandchild. For Indians/Pakistanis, I have no idea.
Good luck -- and whatever you do, don't give up your son.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): Your girlfriend is scared and insecure. She is afraid that you will go back with your ex and be one big happy family, she see's your son as a stepping stone to that end. The only way to make your relationship work is if she improves her own self esteem, insecurity and trust issues. She is the only one that can fix this situation, if she isn't willing to get help to overcome these issues, then the relationship is doomed anyway. Your son is the most important person in your life, that doesn't mean that you don't love her. These issues are hers, not yours, she needs to get some help. She will be a much happier and less tortured person and your relationship may then have a chance to grow into a trusting union.
good luck guys!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Even though i am young i have had pasts with this..
my dads girlfriend and him are in love completely but her daughter is awful to my dad. she comes in there and wakes him up at all hours of the night when she started this when she was prolly 15 and has a baby [who is now 7 months] and tattoos all over and piercing, and this girl lives with her dad, well she just turned 18 and just now got her license. my dads gf we will call jan [fake name] will not stop being there for her criminal daughter no matter how many laws she breaks.. i know the law has nothing to do with this but it still takes a toll. you never should leave a child- they are blood to you and it came directly from you.
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A
female
reader, xXxcheekiemunkiexXx  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 if you leave your son then trust me, he will grow up hating the fact that you left him for another woman. What happens if you and this woman break it off..then you will regret the decision. if she is making you choose then she obviously does not love you. HE IS YOUR SON. would you want him growing up with another man being his sted dad. KIDS OVER LOVERS!i have never forgiven my dad for leaving me and 3 other children at 3 years, he left with another woman. He will never ever be forgiven.GOOD LUCK!
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A
male
reader, ShouldKnowBetter +, writes (23 March 2008):
Whilst she may have "left her family" they are adults and knew the risks when they imposed their rules.I am sure it is hard on her but it is both their and her adult choice.You had a kid, they basically didnt have a choice on if to be born or not and as such nor do you have a choice. It is not for your benefit that you must remain in contact but your kids
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): NEVER leave a child without a parent. my mother died when i was five and i never knew my father, i grew up in care homes. i know my mum had no choice in leaving me but i still feel awful about it and i hate having nobody to turn to (i have no other family). knowing that my parent lost contact with me by choice would make the pain unbearable. please stay with your son.
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A
female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Of course there's no middle ground. You should not be compromising your relationship with your child because of her- she's the one who has to get over her silly, childish crap, can she do it? Probably not. Sorry. Your child should always come first, I applaud your attempts to keep contact with him. Your girlfriend has absolutely no right to say that you have to choose between your son and her. It's psychotic! Seriously, who does she think she is? She's obviously got some confusion going on. She sounds like a handful, is she worth all the trouble? Hell no! There are sooooo many women out there who would respect and honor your relationship with your son without the drama and manipulation. What a selfish girl. To me, a man who actively seeks a relationship with a child who doesn't live with him is a great catch and rare find. There aren't enough of you out there. It shows strong character, responsibility and integrity-all highly sought after traits ;-) If your girlfriend isn't mature enough to behave like a decent human being- she honestly isn't worth yours or any body else's time. I don't care if she's willing to leave her family for you, that's her adult choice. What kind of crap is that!? Your son needs and deserves to have a father- she is ridiculous. Make sure you go back to seeing him more frequently, it's such an important part of both your lives. Get rid of that girlfriend! She's poison! What a mess! I apologize for getting so worked up. My boyfriend of 5 years has a 6 year old and I'm with him every step of the way in his attempts to see his kid more often. True, I don't like his ex wife because of the pain she's put them both through, but I can't imgaine being jealous of his relationship with his child. Geez! Sorry :-)
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 I think that one irrationality just can't serve as excuse for another. We know that cultures are different, et cetera, but I am yet to find one culture where one father is expected to just forget about his son because of a woman. And, whatever the culture, people have a right to choose who they want to live with.
Again, poster, this is a no-brainer: if she won't accept your son "because of the ex", just leave her. You didn't comment why it is that she feels that your ex is the problem. Anyways, your ex will always be somewhere near you (not in the relationship sense, but she will be there) because you have a son with her, and you and your ex have to come to terms on how to raise this kid. This is that way in every culture.
I am sure she understands all this, with her heart and mind. If she won't agree to it, with her mind, well, dump her.
Would it be right if you asked her to leave a son of hers?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): She shouldn't make you choose between her and your son . To me she sounds very controlling. Be sure your the one thats in control of what you do and not her . Spending time with your son shouldn't be a problem with her . It's not very fair to your son that your not seeing him as much just because of her. I think if she was a really good gf she wouldn't care how often you see him . I know you don't want to lose her but think about it . who's more important? your son or girlfriend . answer that to yourself and thats the person you should be spending your time with. Choose wisely . follow your heart . it always knows the way .
hope this helped
I wish you the very best :)
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A
male
reader, pdx1983 +, writes (23 March 2008):
pdx1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the replies.Her logic behind all this is that shes willing to leave her family for me (long story but she is asian and if they find out about me as i'm white they would disown her) so i should be willing to leave me son for her? and i don't love her enough if i don't do it???I know we could be happy if we could just sort this but its proving impossible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): My bf of two years has 2kids with his ex He doesn't get to see them often because of work but I know i'm the number one female in his life I would never dream of saying he had to choose and i know if i did he would choose his kids and that's the way it should be. Just because he loves his kids he doesn't love me any less. Tell your gf this. She has you most of the time and needs to be flexible
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male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (23 March 2008):
 the only middle ground is your son.
this girlfriend.. seems very obcessive.. i don;t know what the arrnage of your relationship is, but if your gf loves you. she woulnd't be asking this of you.
blood is thicker than water.
if you love your son. your son is first, second and third always.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (23 March 2008):
the only middle ground is your son.
this girlfriend.. seems very obcessive.. i don;t know what the arrnage of your relationship is, but if your gf loves you. she woulnd't be asking this of you.
blood is thicker than water.
if you love your son. your son is first, second and third always.
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A
male
reader, ShouldKnowBetter +, writes (23 March 2008):
I can understand the threat that an ex can be however she should never put you in a place to have to chose between her and your son... anyone with any level of sense of right and wrong and respect for you would know that your son is the only choice.There is plenty of middle ground, her coming on the trips with you for example (she doesn't have to pretend to be your son's step mum or anything silly - my partner has kids from her previous relationship that live with their father and I am their mum's partner not their step dad) but she is the one that should be making these suggestions not you or us.
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male
reader, pdx1983 +, writes (23 March 2008):
pdx1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply, i know deep down i can't cut contact with my son....i just wish there was some sort of middle ground or a way to make my girlfriend realise that what she is asking i can't doI have told her before i won't be made to choose but she just turns it into a thing about my ex rather than my son, in her words 'it's your ex i have the problem with not your son'She just hates my ex being in our lives.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 March 2008):
This is a no-brainer. If she's making you choose, choose your son. How on earth could it be otherwise?
Your son is your son and it is your responsibility to look after him. You just must not forget about a son for a woman, no matter who she is or what she gives you. For your son, you're like the piece of ground where he will be able to take roots; you can't do him the harm of going away because of a woman.
I assume that your relationship with your ex is very clear and your present girlfriend knows where she stands. If this is the case, to hell with her if she won't take your child. She knew you had him.
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