A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am stuck in the middle of a real dilemma and it's tearing me apart on the inside.This year my boyfriend (now ex-) of 2.5 years and I both went off to college. During my first week there, I met this incredible guy. We started talking and we both developed crushes on one another, but he didn't push anything on me. About 3 weeks into to school, I finally confessed to my boyfriend that I was crushing on the guy; we both decided to break up mutually and remain friends (we had been best friends before dating). And at first, I was fine. Then my ex started to party heavily on weekends, at first saying it was to fill the emptiness I left him with (which he later denied, now he just says it kills the awkwardness). I've pleaded with him to cut back, but it just seems he won't listen. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now, and although I adore him and think he's a wonderful person, I feel like something's missing. I cry all the time because I miss my ex. Even though I know I couldn't trust my ex right now (a few things have happened to damage our relationship), I still want to get back together. I don't know how I could bear leaving my current boyfriend, though; he appears to be completely smitten and treats me much better than my ex (who was sweet, but completely clueless about how to treat a girl). I'm just really unclear as to what to do. I don't know if I should wait it out and see if time will fill the void, or if I should just try to win my ex back.Thanks for reading. I'm sorry it was a lot.
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best friend, crush, get back together, miss my ex, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 It's only because you still care for your ex and simply because you were with him for so long. Don't worry, time heals the emptyness. And soon the comfort zone you're in will disolve and develop with the new guy.
I think its a bit wreckless that the ex is abusing himself to make a point to you. I mean it goes to show what type of person he really is and after all are you dumb enough to fall for that trick? The one where the guy finds another girl or tries to play bad boy and not give a shit about you only to make you feel like you and your whole relationship was worthless? and then you wonder why? And then you go back to figure it all out?
Your only still young so I'll give you a few tips, if you go back you'll just enter the vicious cycle. If you stay with your new boyfriend its a new day, a new beginning , a new life. would you want to hurt him and distroy what could possibly be?
I always say once its over, its over, and thats it. Go back and the shit eventually creeps up again time after time and all of a sudden your 25 or 30 wondering why you wasted 5 or 10 years of your life on this one person. If you've broken up thats the end of the story ... no dramas. Maybe in a few years when he's grown up a bit you might start something again.
But intill then, if then, this new guy deserves the new chapter in your life, dont you think? After all you don't know what your fully in for yet do ya? Otherwise go back to the ex a long dull dramatic "bold and the beautiful" scene where its all still the same old shit happening a year later.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto rcn--
I didn't start crushing on my current boyfriend immediately; the more we talked, the more I liked him and there were cracks that were starting to form in my former relationship (i.e. my ex's drinking, long distance).
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A
female
reader, miss lilian  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 It sounds like you are currently in a 'filler' relationship it is exciting at first and there is nothing wrong with the relationship or the person they just don't tick all the boxes. They do fill your time and make you feel good and its easy to continue with them but you know deep down that its not right. In the long run it would be better for you to end the relationship now and spend a little time by your self, I know your current bf will be upset but by the sounds of it he'll be upset whenever you break up as his feelings are deeper. That said don't go running back to your ex. Yes you have feelings for him, but you said you can't trust him at the moment and also what you are missing is in the past. You will never be able to turn back your life experiences and it be the same. My advice that I wish someone had told me is spend a little time being single, get to know yourself as an individual and it will be much easier for you in later life. Then if you and your ex work things out and decide to get back together so be it, but you can't make clear decisions while in a realtionship, don't be afraid to be single for awhile.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 December 2009):
 OK, you're complicated...who isn't. If your ex is clueless, and you're not together, are you sure it's he who's clueless or can you learn from this experience as well?
A quote (but can't recall where I heard it): "Never leave someone you LOVE for someone you like, because someone you like will leave you for someone they love."
So, let me ask you, WHY should he take you back? It only took you one week to start crushing on someone else. If he did take you back, how many "first week" incidents do you expect him to go through? Why when you found someone "amazing" do you want your "best friend" back? Is it out of guilt that you want him or are you being true?
You need to question your intentions before deciding what to do.
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A
male
reader, Sad and in love  +, writes (23 December 2009):
Well then all that can be said is you need to decide what you what to do, DO IT! and stick to it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen my ex and i were together, we had fights about him not texting me enough or not showing that he cared. my current boyfriend is always texting me and just pretty much showering me in affection. i feel like such a horrible person for not being grateful for all the attention my boyfriend is giving me when i griped about my ex not giving me enough.
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A
male
reader, Sad and in love +, writes (23 December 2009):
Well I can start off by telling you that the boyfriend you left/lost is probably the one for you! I'm sure you know the saying that if you love something set it free, if it returns..... Well, it seems this is what he has done. I have a feeling you have never really had complains about him when you guys were together. The problem is that you took all that he gave for granted. You did not realise that not every man is like he was with you. Yes, we all fall for people that we are not suppose to, (if you see my recent question you'll understand my situation)but it's up to us to notice the crush part and the real love part. I'm sure you are having fun with your new man, but it is NO fun if you don't have your heart in it 100%. Clearly your ex is missing you. I know to party and drink and carry on like that takes pain and hurt away. That man is obviously hurting, but loves you too much to tell you for fear of spoiling your mood. HE LOVES YOU! AND YOU LOVE HIM! Enough fun now. You need to decide what you what to do, DO IT! and stick to it. I know I seem a little harsh at times, but always remember - LOVE HARD!
I hope this helps a little, just be strong and brave.
x
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