A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am having a REALLY difficult time.I have found myself over the last couple of years becoming more and more disillusioned with life and society.It really worries me but everything about society gets me down. I won't go into too many details as I could rant for ages but I feel like so many people are being too influenced by social media and that society and life around me is horrible and spiraling down hill which in turn is affecting me.Once again, no details, but I feel incredibly insecure and upset at how I am viewed by society as a human, as a man and as someone that wants to be different. I feel society is in such a position that a I am judged negatively with encouragement and no remorse from those around me and no support for myself. Maybe I will write another post detailing more on that but for now, I am most worried about my relationship.My girlfriend thinks I am silly to be so affected by society as she loves fitting in and in my eyes goes along with the inhumane, vulgar unequal ways of media and those around her. I don't blame her as it seems most people are this way and she is happy which is what I want her to be! This is not me making a judgment about her as I love her greatly!I can't hep but feel judged indirectly by her though. The things she laughs at and the things she responds to socially really make me feel belittled and depressed. NOT that she directly says anything bad to me.I find myself getting angry at nothing, feeling like I hate things. TV and film stars that my girlfriend and people I know like I instantly dislike and feel the need to verbalize negative comments about them (especially if my gf says she fancies them). I find myself breaking into tears over nothing, anywhere...I've been on buses, in the middle of the front room with the family and sometimes uncontrollable wailing. Every time I instinctively get a feeling of 'hate' or am judgmental towards something I want to cry.Everyone says how negative I am and people often say I look angry. When I look angry howver I am just REALLY sad and don't know how to portray myself in public. Not gender-stereotyping but it is hard as a guy to just burst into tears at any moment and I end up looking angry instead when the emotion is too much. Then people get angry at me instead of sympathetic.I feel like a nobody and I feel like a horrible person.Why am I so critical, so judgmental and so bothered by the rest of the world?I have feelings of jealousy - I even hate that my gf sees men in pants on adverts and TV and the sports that she does. I hate that we're in a world where judging men is becoming more and more prevalent and 'matters of size' and body image are being thrust in men's faces for people's amusement. Did we learn nothing with the negative effect it has on women? And yet here it is being encouraged and mocked even more so!It is definitely worse when I have a girlfriend but I don't think that is an indication of her. She thinks I am silly for saying and feeling the things I do when I cannot change society or other things. I do wish she would give more more confidence which I have told her but neither of us know how (It is my problem not hers).I know how pathetic I must seem to her having all these issues and emotions through my head. She tells me how I'm different to when we first met but I was hiding them from her at first and they have gotten worse.I know how unattractive insecurity is.I've told my girlfriend I'm depressed before but she doesn't believe me and just says 'I think to much'. The words of someone that lives their life care-free.She gets very annoyed with me if i try to go on about my thoughts and issues as I rant. As a result she gets very quiet and a bit angry with me which makes it worse but I think anyone would get annoyed if they had to listen to me rant on all the time! It must seem to her as if I cannot be helped e.g. "stop thinking so much".I really want to get rid of these emotions. I used to be considered such a nice guy and thought positive of everyone and on the surface still am but I no longer feel like myself anymore. I hate who I've become and I don't know why it has happened. I have seen 2 therapists before and neither have been of help so other suggestions would be great. Ideally I don't want to see another as they weren't any help and tablets I was put on did terrible things to my life so I'm not touching them again. Advice outside of therapy would be most helpful!I just have zero confidence and I guess am deflecting that on the world around me. I constantly analyse what it could be and no matter what conclusions I come up with I cannot change the way I feel. It is incessant and I can't take it. I'm desperate. Any thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 December 2013):
 OP I have ONE thing to add because I can't improve on what's been said.
If you had an illness such as cancer or diabetes and the doctors you saw could not help and the medications they gave you did not help what would you do? Would you say
"I'm not going to try a new doctor or different medications because the two I've tried already did not work, therefore I'll just die from my illness."
NO? Well if not, then why treat your illness of depression any differently?
I loathe that mental illness is not given the proper respect ANY illness is normally given.
Just wanted to add a differing point of view.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 December 2013):
 Cindy put it so lovely, I don't think I can improve on it.
And I agree 100% that there is nothing new under the sun. We go just about it different ways. Not necessarily better ways for sure.
You sound like you are pretty depressed, so I would find some way of dealing with that. Meds are not for everyone, but not all meds are the same, nor will you react the same way to various meds.
I'm not saying GET MEDICATED!! but for some people that is a way of taking the weight of the world off your shoulders. Explain how the meds you WERE on affected you and then TRY a different type/dose. And remember it can take up to 6 weeks before you are getting the "true" effect of the meds. So, yes you might feel a little zombiefied in the beginning, but that is not uncommon.
Maybe even think about light treatments/therapy. It's not really uncommon for people in the North to have the lack of light affect them, Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) But most of all TALK to your doctor. DEFINITIVELY think about exercise. Endorphin can help your mood immensely too.
FIND a way to help make changes. There has to be groups in your area that "fight" to fix some of the things you are passionate about, volunteer and see WHAT POSITIVE effect you can HAVE.
If TV/news makes you feel worse, gets you agitated, depressed, upset, then TRY and stop watching it for a while. I know it won't fix the world, but you will be getting less negative input for a while and perhaps all this feeling overwhelmed with negativity will be lessened a little.
ACCEPT that the world isn't perfect. IT NEVER will be. Utopia doesn't exist. We can but dream of it and STRIVE for it.
Met new people and try NOT to bring up negative subject and issues that make you sad. FIND things that make you happy or at least something that gives you hope.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): Your illness is just getting to you. You just need a little therapy, maybe a change in your prescription; and just a getaway for a little rest and relaxation.
I fully understand how the world seems to impose itself on your life, when you're just trying to keep it all together. Everyone feels that. However; clinical depression doesn't just let you shake it off. You've gone too long without a checkup and your medication,and it's taking its toll. Go see the doctor.
Get out and get some exercise. You need time to refocus.
Don't watch too much television. Listen to some good music.
Avoid listening to the news for awhile.
A change of scenery and a little peace and quite will do wonders for you. No phone, TV, or news.
Good luck, my friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd yes WiseOwlE, I too am surprised my gf can put up with it. It is very sad for me to see her have to and for to see this change in me. I hope I can change for us both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies all. I hope in my post I didn't come across as blaming the world around me for my own problems. I am aware that all the problems I have are self-indulgent in many ways and superficial on outside perception. This is why it is so difficult for me to accept just how difficult a time I'm having and how badly it affects me.
I can look at it and think I need to change myself and not expect everything to change around me but I don't know how. I feel I have trivialised the feelings I have by elaborating on the wrong things in my post.
CindyCares, I do have many problems with genuine world problems that have a huge influence on my mindset and emotions but as I stated I wouldn't go into them in this post (I should have done instead of the superficial issues I raised although they are a big problem for me too-it was a stream of consciousness neglecting the bigger problems I intended to allude to).
ageoldguy1465 I am aware if the people you mention but not what they 'preach'. My issue is the negativity I feel but DON't WANT to feel. I used to have such a positive outlook and it's all changed and I don't know why. That's where I need help.
WiseOwlE I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but not bipolar. The tablets merely numbed me and made me feel like a shell. I will go back though as you suggest, maybe it is the only ,logical start. I maybe need to mix myself among new people too to see the world from a perspective I once had again.
Anonymous poster, I will look into this walk you suggest. I need something in life to stop me being so introspective.
I hope my post did not make me seem selfish in any way, it was a genuine cry for help after realising telling myself to snap out of it just doesn't work.
Thank you all again for your help!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 December 2013):
 Bummer. A let down this time too. I have read in the past a couple of posts from young men disappointed by society, with similar thoughts to yours... and then too, foolish me, I started reading and I said to myself " ah that's a sensitive, passionate, idealistic young man who cares deeply about the world he lives in, and he feels like a PERSONAL wound the evil in our society ... poverty, unfair distribution of world resources... violence, terrorism... child labour... sexual and physical abuse on women...the way we are killing the environment....- only to find out that what you have against " society " ... is that ads show handsome young men in pants who may be more eyecatching than you and could draw a glance from your girlfriend.
So is that the evil of modern society ? That movies and TV show decent looking young people ? ... That's not modern society . Read " History of beauty " by Umberto Eco, and you'll see, for instance, thet even in Medieval paintings - which was mostly church paintings and sacred images- Mother Mary and Christ and Saints and Angels were always depicted as idealized , taller, cleaner, definitely better looking than the pox-marked, undernourished, illness ravaged mobs of people who went to church to admire these images and pray in front of them.
Or Renaissance- do you really think that the average Florentine then- who generally only could eat meat once or twice A YEAR looked so vigourous , muscular and healthy like Michelangelo's David ?
The fascination of humanity with health, youth , and beauty is nothing modern. For some reason ( many, actually, but it would be a long story ) if people have to look at something, they want to look at something NICE.
You would not escape that even if you fleed modern western society and sought refuge in some Papua or Amazonas primitive tribe, there too the guy who's got the more, the best, most colorfoul tribal tatoos or scarification is the one who gets looked and admired and chased by women the most- and you'd have to battle your insecurities and negative self image there too.
Si, don't blame movie stars or male lingerie models for your insecurities ( and dysfunctional thoughts ) - they are WITHIN you, maybe in the contemporary western society you are forced to face them more often, but they are not MAKING you insecure.
How to fix that ? hard to say, if you sort therapy out. I think you should be braver, and more patient, and try it again, and for lobger time. Therapy is seldom ( or nver ) a quick fix, you need persistence and committment and not to throw the towel at the first roadblock you hit. And does not really " heal " you in the way you are healed from measles , one day is ther - and few days later is gone forever. Some problems , some vulnerabilities may accompany you for the rest of your life - only, if you did your homework in therapy , tehn you have the intellectual and emotional tools to practice damage control and stop freaking out.
But, if you are adamant against therapy, Ok, I'll give you a counterintuitive advice. Stop all this navel gazing- shift you attention from you you you and your body your ego your self image- shift it to the outside. You don't like society as it is now ? well, start doing something to change it. Be the change that you want to see around you. How ? Only you can know - it depends from your own unique skills and talents and inclinations. Maybe you are the type that can start a grass root political movement. maybe you can write a book, or magazines articles promoting your ideas for a less superficial, image conscious society. You could mentor underprivilege kids and help them think straight. You can join a volunteer association to assist people that, like you albeit for other reasons, is excluded and marginalized by mainstream society: lonely senior citizens, disabled peeople,mental patients.You can sign up for acting or directing or moviemaking classes so that YOU will do the kind of non-shallow movies and shows that you'd want to see.
I am throwing out random, peregrine ideas but the gist is : look inside and come up with you own ideas. Anything, but kvetching and pityng yourself. remmember, if you are not part of teh solution, then you are part of the problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): You describe yourself like you're reading the text-book descriptions of depression, antisocial behavior, and possible anxiety disorder. You are so cynical, you almost sound one hair from being a psychopath. Okay, enough of the kitchen-chair psycho-analysis. I'm starting to chew my nails.When people take on such an ugly outlook at life, they are in pain. There is something eating them deep at their core.You only see the darker and ugly side. Seriously, it's time to see a doctor, my friend.I am surprised your girlfriend can tolerate such a grim personality. If she does, it's only a matter of time before it becomes too much. You'll purposely drive her away. I am a very experienced person. I read a lot, and I've witnessed your type of personality traits many many times. There is something usually hidden behind it. it gets worse before it gets better. It takes professional intervention.You said you won't go into the details; but I already suspect you're being treated for bipolar disorder, and you hate taking your medicine. Just a wild guess.Medicine doesn't make us love life or ourselves. That's a conscious decision to be made. It takes will and effort to see things for what they are, instead of only being aware of the doom and gloom that will always be there. It just doesn't have to poison everything else that is good.Call your therapist. Take your medicine. Go on a holiday for a week or two. You'll have a better outlook on things in a few months.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 December 2013):
 P.S. If this submittal is typical of what you "think life is all about"... then, "Yes," your negativity is hindering your happiness......
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 December 2013):
If you lived here in the Colonies... I'd imagine that you listened to Rush Limbaugh, 24/7 ... and had been influenced by him and Marc Levin.... both of whom seem to believe - and bloviate - that there is NOTHING "right" with the world... and that people should listen to them (It's amazing how many DO!) to get a handle on just how horrible the World really is......
I hope that you will discontinue your believing that the world has something wrong with it, because it doesn't cater to your every whim and desire.... and realize that this World is populated with 6 BILLION others... who neither know you, or give a darn about you.... because that are trying to find enough food and water (and, maybe, shelter) to make it through this next day!!!!!
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 December 2013):
 In other words your glass is half empty while your girlfriends is half full.
First thing, do you work?
Do you have a close family and friends?
Do you isolate yourself and not have any company except your girlfriend?
My job entails seeing people at their lowest with distraught families a lot of the time. Then you see love in action, people fighting for their lives being supported through the worst.
They no longer sweat over the small stuff because life in general is put into perspective.
My suggestion is to re focus your mind, every time you have negative thoughts go for a walk,a run,to the gym.
Help out at a homeless shelter over Christmas.
Plan a surprise for your girlfriend, a night out or a weekend away. Show her you care, take a leaf out of her book and enjoy life.
You can't change the world but you can change your outlook and attitude. She is with you so somebody loves you - don't blow it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): Unorthodox advice, but it worked for me. Take six weeks and walk along the Camino to Santiago. There you will feel what it is like to carry what you need on your back, live a simple life, walking every day. You'll meet other people from ALL walks of life, each one prepared to face themselves and go through a life changing experience. You will have the most liberating conversations, and you'll come back changed. Everyone I know who has done it has come home with a new perspective on life, new strength, new joy, new hope. It's not a religious thing, although it is an ancient pilgrim's trail. I needed therapy before I went. I was mixed up, screwed up, crying inconsolably...no self esteem.Wrecked. I couldn't face meeting people. I bleached my hair until it was like straw. I quit my job. I thought I might be losing my mind. All my perspective was gone. I was so isolated I couldn't have gone out for a drink on the rare occasions I was invited because I couldn't envisage not being a burden, and finding the whole experience burdensome.I walked and walked and walked through rain, mud, heat, wind, flies, sand....I cried in pain, as my whole body carried the weight of my rucksack andthe emotions washing thrpugh me. My feet killed me.I got sick with diarrhoea and lost track of the people I met alongvthe way. I let them go and carried on walking.I found more and more wonderful people and experiences on the way.I found out how to laugh again and how to trust life.I came back, my family didn't recognise me. Renewed and whole again. Didn't need therapy. I live in the present moment now. I accept it for what it is. I find so much joy. When I'm sad, I let myself feel it. I can look at the stars and ferl wonder. I remember walking in the sunrise day after day, and the memory fuels me. I go to work, a normal job, and though I may work a 13 hour day with no view of sunshine, I do not resent it. I find joy in small interactions.I don't get drawn into other people's crap.I haven't got a TV as it doesn't intetest me, but I don't feel judgmental towards people who like it, I don't ever really mention it.I live and let live. I don't try and fix other people or save the world. I'm happy :-)I recommend it. I never advised it on dear cupid before, but I ferl the Camino is calling you.Buen camino!
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