A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I need some help. I've recently started seeing a guy. We get on really well and have a great time when we are together. I've been round his house and stayed a few times and we've made love. The problem is he seems to have stopped texting and calling. He said that he likes me and that I'm gorgeous and amazing. But I don't understand why he hardly contacts me now. It's really confusing. When we do hang out we have a great time and he is so doting. He did tell me that he is scared to like someone because he's been single for over a year. I also have never dated in my life but have had rushed relationships. I really don't know how to react to him to keep the happiness going. I don't want to seem clingy or desperate.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 This isn't confusing at all.
You're not seeing him. You were never dating. He got what he came for and now he's gone. He may come sniffing around once in a while to see if you're in heat, but that's all he's interested in.
OP, what worked for your grandmother will work for you. Women of her generation and all of the generations before hers, must have been doing something right because they weren't expected to put out to prove themselves to a man. They weren't badgered for threesomes, blowjobs, anal sex and naked pictures the way many women are today.
If you don't want to be used for sex, then take sex completely off the table. There is plenty of time for that later if the guy really likes you, and once you start down that path it's very difficult to go back.
Your dates should always be in public places and last no longer than 4 hours. Consume little to no alcohol (preferably none) and no sex talk. No going home with him or allowing him to go home with you. No romantic dinners at his place or yours. You go OUT on dates.
Do not discuss previous relationships or past hurts. Do not tell him you have trust or body issues. Accept compliments with a simple 'Thank you'. Be upbeat and positive, yet assertive and decisive.
Don't be too quick to share a lot of details about yourself. He doesn't need to know everything there is to know about you on the first date.
Bring your own money. Most men will treat you, especially if they invited you out, but don't assume. Be prepared.
Oh, I should add this because of a recent post I came across. If, after your meal, the man gives you some tale about forgetting his wallet, you ask your server for separate bills and pay your own. Then leave him there without another word. This is a scam some men pull on women to worm a free meal and more.
Remember that whether or not you continue seeing someone is not entirely up to them. You have a stake in this too and the decision is as much yours as it is his. You do not owe bad behaviour a second chance. Ever. And you don't need 'valid reasons' to decline a date or discontinue seeing someone.
Do only what YOU feel safe and comfortable doing. And your well being comes before a man's feelings. Not that he doesn't matter, I mean that the fear of being rude or hurting his feelings should not prevent you from saying and doing what you must to safeguard your own well being.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): You made some key comments in your post that stick in my mind:1) "I've recently started seeing a guy."Meaning, there is no committed relationship; as of yet.2) "I've been round his house and stayed a few times and we've made love."Meaning, you immediately had sex with a guy; that has not officially committed to you.3) "I also have never dated in my life but have had rushed relationships." Meaning, you may have been a virgin up until you met this guy. If you weren't, he still knows you have no experience and were an easy target.4) "I don't want to seem clingy or desperate." Meaning, you don't have a clue what to do and you feel ashamed for having sex so soon. You also know you were taken advantage of; because he has gone no contact.Older boys or men target inexperienced females; because they know how to easily seduce them. They say sweet things to them, make them feel really special; have sex with them and dump them immediately afterward.You let sex enter the picture as soon as you met the guy.You have to learn not to be taken in by sweet-talk and guys who are only pretending to like you. You have to learn not to fall for guys you've only recently met.He used you for sex and now he's giving you the brush off.Emotionally, you got into the guy too quickly. You didn't make love, you had sex. People in established relationships make love. People who have recently started seeing each other; and have not officially committed to a relationship, have sex.Your inexperience made you rush into things. You didn't learn anything from the relationships you described as "rushed." I presume that means that they were over as soon as they started. Was there sex involved? The guy knows you really like him. He talked you into coming over for sex. You think you mean something to him.He is now avoiding you; because he got what he wanted.Don't fault yourself about that. It's something that happens in the adult dating world. Sooner or later, you meet someone who is only interested in bedding you down, and they clear out once that has happened. Now you know better. Consider this a lesson to you.Stop trying to reach him. Perserve your dignity. I hope you used condoms. If you didn't, when a month or more has passed; please get tested to be sure you didn't get an STD or HIV. Just to be sure everything is okay. Don't be scared. If you miss a period, see a doctor and get a pregnancy test.I say this, because you had sex with a guy who doesn't give a sh*t about you. So he wouldn't care if he infected you with an STD if condoms weren't used. You are equally responsible for protecting yourself from STD's, or getting pregnant.He would do what he did to any girl. Don't beat yourself up over it, or let him screw up your head. We all have to learn these lessons.If you feel really bad, you have to talk to someone close to you that you trust. Don't keep things bottled up inside.I'm afraid you won't be hearing from him anytime soon, if at all. He'll avoid you. He will call again. That will probably be for a booty call. Tell him to get lost!I hope you take this as a harsh lesson and don't see him anymore. Chances are you won't; because he'll avoid you anyway. Come back to the aunts and uncles when you need us.
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