A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am currently finishing a full time beauty therapy course. I have been looking for jobs, but so far have been unsuccessful. my mum is giving me such a hard time at the moment, phoning me up and calling me a "fucking disgrace" because i havent got a job yet. I tried to explain to her that i cant work full time in any salon until the course is finished and i have got my qualification. This usnt good enough for her, and she is telling me i need to pack in this beauty crap and do something useful, and telling me to get a job in an office. I moved out a few years ago, and i have made the house i bought my own, and it feels like home. I dont have very many happy memories of living with my mum, but she keeps telling me i need to move, and that this house is in a bad area and she is ashamed that a daughter of hers lives in it. I told her i am happy here, and she said she is ashamed of me, because if i had a decent job i could move house. I am starting to really, really hate her because of the way she makes me feel. She manages to make me feel bad about good things in my life. I love my house and i love doing beauty therapy, and she has made me feel like i am doing something wrong. how can i get her to just leave me alone?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 March 2015):
 If you are self-supporting and you live on your own, and own your own home, then your mother has NO SAY in where you live, what you do or who you live with.
Let it go
say to her "you MAY be right" and "I'll think about it" and then that's the end of it. You haven't shut her down and you have acknowledged she's got an opinion which she is entitled to but other than that, she has no say.
fWIW, I am 55 years old. I have lived on my own since I was 21. I am the mother of two grown children older than you.
My father still told me the other day to remind my husband that he (my father) could take a baseball bat to his knees at any time. PARENTS do not stop loving children just because we "become grown ups"
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2015):
 My, time flies. Only yesterday you gave as your age range 18-21 ... and today you are 22-25 .
Anyway - your update ends your quandary,I'd say. You've got your own money , in a legit way. You can support yourself , easily and comfortably, until you get a job in your chosen field. You are , not only of legal age,but out of teen years - earliest 20's ,so we can call you a young adult reasonably capable to handle her life and make independent decisions.
Just agree to disagree with your mom. Accept that on some things you won't ever be able to see eye to eye, as it could happen any other adult in the world, and stick to your chosen course of action. Tell her politely that you have made up your mind and, sorry but certain things are just not up for discussion .
Btw, your mom does not necessarily needs to be , or be seen as, overbearing or meddlesome. She is a mother, she worries about you, and she always will. If you live in a bad neighborhood she'd be worried even if you were 50, and would likely comment on it.
But if you are fond of your neighborhood and happy with your choices, you do not need to feel affected by what she says. You are just two adults having different opinions about something- and hopefully you do not need to get everybody's seal of approval first , to feel good about your choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): I lost my father at sixteen, a very successful business man who left me a large inheritance, to answer your curiosity
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015): I agree there are many questions to be asked in relation to your post. Did you inherit money to buy a house with?Anyway, I'll cut to the chase.Some mothers are so frightened of being alone that they will do and say pretty much ANYTHING to disempower their daughters. She is trying to bring you down. She is jealous of your youth, your emerging talents in a field you love and she is jealous of your happiness. She is jealous of this because she feels worthless in her own right AND she is terrified of being abandoned. The emotionally abusive things she is saying are all a result of her asserting the only 'power' she feels she has, which is to control you to try to keep you (psychologically if not physically and actually) close to her.Take pride in what you have and are achieving. Do not feel sorry for your mum and allow her to treat you like this. Suggest that she gets therapy and figures our her own problems instead of taking out her insecurities on you. Good luck with getting your qualification.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 March 2015):
That maybe has not got a lot to do with your question, but I have to ask : you are 18-21 , and you moved out " a few years ago " and you BOUGHT yourself a house ??? ...Where did you get that kind of cash at 16-18 ??... And, it's reasonable to think that you'd be still paying a mortgage, but if you are a student now, and unemployed... how do you pay it ??
Is there something I am missing or I misunderstood ?....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015): I have so many questions; but I guess I have to condense them down to just a few. How can you afford to purchase; then maintain, a house without a full-time job? Are you living on your own; or sharing expenses with roommates? Did they make an error on your age printed above your post? It indicates you're between 18-21? Either there are some inconsistencies here, or a lot of details are missing.
What mother wouldn't be concerned for her single-daughter living in a bad neighborhood, happy or otherwise?
If you're as young as they say, I commend you for being able to "purchase" yourself a house! Being so young, and less than the legal-age age in most countries. If you're less than the age of liability (21 in many countries); you need a parent's signature, co-signer, or the signature of a legal-guardian. My late-partner was an attorney. Legalities may be different in the UK from the USA; but not by very much. His firm also handled immigrations and some international law. I learned a few things here and there too.
Your mother really should be proud that you made such a large investment without a guardian or co-signer. Unless you meant you "rent" a place; which means you didn't buy and you don't own it. You say you bought it; that implies you paid cash; and have no mortgage payments, and own it outright. Good for you. So what's she so crazy about?
You actually pay utilities, property taxes, homeowner's insurance, and maintain the property all on your own? Wow!!!
Typically, mothers and daughters always seem to have battles and disagreements. It's a generational-thing. The usual stores behind their strife is; the daughter resents the mother for a lot of things from her childhood, daughter likes loser-boyfriends, has a child out of wedlock; or the mother is taking heat for a mistake she made in the past. Successful moms, like successful dads; want their offspring to carry-on their success into the next-generation. That's not entirely unreasonable. Most parents want better than what they had for their kids. Older-generations can only see the practical side of things. The younger-generation is willing to take more risks. They have to learn on their own. They sometimes make huge success! Or huge failures; and come home crying to mommy and daddy. Expecting to move back-in.
Mothers and daughters, who don't get along; are both stubborn. They can never agree on anything. On this, I can make pure speculation, and not fall too far from the facts.
All mothers are not prissy; don't all wear lacy-aprons, pearl necklaces, and act sweet as pie. Some are strict and bossy. Especially those who raise families by themselves, or have/had rotten-husbands; and were left to raise rotten disrespectful, disobedient-kids on their own. There is a reason behind their bitterness, and hard outer-shells. Unfortunately; their poor kids sometimes suffer for it. I place no fault on the kids when they're small. As adults? That's a different story.
I also admit, that some mothers are total lunatics. They feel they have a right to say whatever pops into their minds; when talking to the person they had to carry nine miserable months; then push-out of their vaginas in excruciating-pain. All that, after going through hours of labor. They have the audacity to say just whatever they like; just as some disrespectful daughters will spew whatever comes to mind at their over-bearing mothers, when they talk their mummy-trash. The more alike they are, the more they clash!
Your mother probably has a way with words; but she is legitimately concerned. If we don't listen, they will resort to using guilt, threats; and in desperation, insults! Usually, when sweet-talk doesn't seem to get through to us. I had a Catholic mother. That's all I'll say about it. Lovely woman. I adored her!
I must admit, your mum says some pretty awful things to you. She sounds controlling and mean. However; if we got her side of the story, it would be all so very different from yours. If she disliked you, as you dislike her; maybe she would be glad you lived in a bad neighborhood. She'd leave you alone and just ignore you. People who don't love you don't go through so much trouble trying to run your life. They leave you to your own devices, and hope you come crawling back after you fail. So they can hit you over the head with a smug-expression, and a mouthful of " I told you so's!"
Giving you the benefit of the doubt, being this is your post and all. I'd say, continue doing what you're doing.
You got your willful ways from the matriarch that hounds you day-in, and day-out. It is likely you will succeed at your passion; but I think your mother is just being an over-protective mother. She resorts to insults when she's not taken seriously. That comes from preconditioning after a bad-marriage, in most cases. No one listens to her.
I think you painted the picture of her quite raw; because you don't like her. I think she is upset; because you are very rebellious and head-strong. I also suspect that you still punish her for something she did to you long ago. You'd go to any length to prove a point; to your own detriment, if necessary. I also think, you and she are so much alike; you can't stand each other.
When it comes down to brass-tacks, she is pushing and motivating you; because she knows you better than you know yourself. She is making sure you don't become a by-product of your present "less-than-desirable" environment. Lost by the side of the road, and making no progress with your life. She wants you to succeed, not to fail. She just has a "pretty" way of putting it. She sounds like a proud and battle-worn lady; who worries about her daughter, and she's concerned about her public-image. On top of being mean. Somehow I don't doubt she loves you dearly in her own way.
She's being hard not just because she an insufferable bitch; but because you are a spitting-image of herself at your age. Your past track-record probably doesn't necessarily prove you have the best judgement. Just a guess!
You see, I know there are two-sides to this story. I know there are two strong-willed females butting heads here. One is smarter than the other, and guess who I think the smarter of the two is?
Prove her wrong, and she'll be bragging about you when you have. She's a tough coach, and you're a strong-willed daughter. She still has to do her job in order to sleep nights. She may be the perfect Joan Crawford's "Mommie Dearest" (Google it) in your eyes. The end result, you will do anything to show her she's wrong about you. I think you'll be a success one day; but you have to avoid hating her for being who she is. Life made her that way. Not you.
I pretty much know when a story is full of holes. This is one is full of them. I just hope YOU have a happy ending.
Maybe she didn't, and that's what she's worried about.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2015):
 I am with Auntie Bim - Am I missing something? Are you living WITH her or on your own?
If you are LIVING on your own and taking CARE of yourself, tell her to back off or even better, tell her if she can't say nothing nice to just not talk to you for a while.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 March 2015):
i would tell her that since she is not contributing to your life she doesnt have a say in how you live it. It sounds like you moved out as soon as you could due to her. She is controlling and you dont need her negativity. There is a way to say something and if she wanted to simply give you advice she could do so without knocking your confidence and criticising everything you do. I agree with the previous suggestion of leaving the conversation everytime she gets insulting, it is the only way people like her learn to behave and treats others. Fair play to you for making a life for yourself x
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (2 March 2015):
i would tell her that since she is not contributing to your life she doesnt have a say in how you live it. It sounds like you moved out as soon as you could due to her. She is controlling and you dont need her negativity. There is a way to say something and if she wanted to simply give you advice she could do so without knocking your confidence and criticising everything you do. I agree with the previous suggestion of leaving the conversation everytime she gets insulting, it is the only way people like her learn to behave and treats others. Fair play to you for making a life for yourself x
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 March 2015):
 WHO's living your life???? YOU... or your Mother? Whoever is the answer to that question, gets to make the choice that you pose in your submittal.....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 March 2015):
 I don't understand. If you don't live at home, but have purchased your own home, where is the problem, is your mother financially supporting you?
If not, then limit then, hard as it may seem or feel, you will just have to limit the amount of time you spend with, or listening to, your mother, put some boundaries in place so that she knows when she starts you will leave the conversation, I mean physically leave the conversation, walk away or hang up the phone.
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