A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My mum is having an affair. My dad found proof, and came to me. I am the eldest of three children (19/17/14) and i think im mature enough to deal with this. So i tried to help him out, also a personal trait of mine is rationality so he thought i could be of help. He is going to confront her.First of all a number of key factors, my mum is a compulsive liar. And not just big stuff like going away for a weekend with her friend ''Eva", this particular lie - which lead to us finding out about everything is so convoluted (a trademark of hers - balls of lies, each wrapped up in another) - but she also lies about really small, unnecessary lies. This is extremely annoying.She has been on something of a midlife crisis thing for about a year now. For about 6months we werent sure - now we are sure, classic examples like dying her hair black, trying to make herself extremely thin (to the point were im calling it an eating disorder because she is destroying her insides with laxatives, she eats a dinner really quickly then uses laxatives to get rid of it - this isnt just stupid but also dangerous), drinking alot more, usually just a glass of wine every so often, now she gets drunk with friends (and not even friends shes had for years who we can trust in, degenerates like a woman "Claudia" who is a single mother who has an 12 year old child and leaves her alone numerous nights of the week to get completely drunk. My mum is an attention seeker and these people give her attention and so she likes them. This isnt just bad for her, its also a bad example for my sister, my mum complained to me the other night about my sister going out and drinking with her friends, staying out til 3am and being selfish and spending all her money - i couldnt help notice the irony in this statement. And other things like trying to dress like my younger sister to look younger etc etcThink thats all the background information, although theres more. To put it down to a couple things, she's dishonest, selfish and self-centered and unreliable. I know this probably sounds like im being over dramatic about the situation and about her, and im not. She had all these traits before, but they were tolerable things, like bad habits, they were forgotten about or paved over, because of how she was normally. Because of this mid-life thing they have come into the foreground, and are in general exacerbated and its to the point were we cant tolerate it anymore.Well that was the situation. It has since become a lot worse. My dad was looking for a book in the bookshelf and found a card. Which is fine, but it was from a colleague of hers who she claims was being an asshole to her and treating her badly because he 'liked' her and she didn't reciprocate. This didnt sit well, so he read it, it was just a birthday card, although we wondered why she would keep it from this guy. But there were two cards, one inside the normal looking first one, this one had in large font "I Love You Too" on the front. (Notice not a declaration of love "i love you", but a response "too...").We thought this was odd. but along with this there was other things. Ticket stubs (for two) to a football game (she hates football), receipts from restaurants. Although the thing that set this off was an email to her from a hotel she stayed at a month ago. Its actually from her to this guy "James" - it is confirmation of one room for two people. To understand why this is worse is because that weekend she told us she was going away with a group of friends (all women) to 'clear her head' of stuff. This was a lie, she also claimed that this group was planning to go away and she was going to take the place of a woman who had dropped out but had already paid - this was all lies. This is extremely annoying, and i'm sure the full impact hasnt even hit me yet. Especially any humiliation if people start talking about it. (a friend of mine had this thing happen, his dad had an affair, they are now broken up)But that is the thing; before all this stuff, before her 50th birthday she was fine. She was decent enough, a good mum, the occasional blowup but nothing out of the ordinary. A good person. But she has changed. And i hope its just because of this midlife thing.Although the extent of her dishonesty is something that is going to take time to get over or help her with. Anyway, i just wanted to ask. Has anyone experienced the same thing. My dad is going to confront her. Shes quite dramatic and defensive so it'll end up in a big fight and she'll walk out and all that. But after that what happens? What should i do?I never thought she'd be stupid enough to do this. She's not a stupid person. She's not a particularly smart person, but she's not stupid. She doesnt even realise what she's doing to us. We not only dislike her, even hate her and the way she treats us. But, at least I am, finding the mother/son bond is lessening. To the point were i dont care what happens to her - is that wrong? Am i being too harsh? (Keep in mind I've given her chance after chance. She'll be selfish, she'll spend money or she'll stay out til 3am and we wont know where or with whom, but then i'd think well she's apologized i'll give her another chance this was a year and like 20 chances ago. I cant believe she is doing this to my dad too. He is literally the nicest person ive ever met (i just realised its ironic how he is the nicest person i've met and she's one of the worst). He forgives her as well. He does anything for her. He drives her, and us anywhere we want. Things like that. He visits her relatives who he doesnt really like and drives them around and all that, and her friends. Although she doesnt do the same. She won't visit his relatives. I'm just lost, i was hoping she would grow out of this and get back to normal. And i never thought she'd cheat on him. But its all happening and i cant turn to anyone. Would just like some guidance.thanks for reading this, i appreciate any suggestions
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you for all your responses. I really appreciate it.
Its still as bad as ever. My dad confronted her a while ago and nothing really happened. She's an extremely defensive person, if one person starts on her she goes nuts and screams her way out of it - and the other night i did this. But luckily everyone spoke up. Since there was four people she really let loose. but we all stayed calm and didnt raise our voices to her and told her we werent against her - its the opposite we are all with her; one family.
she calmed down, and even just shut up for a while after we told her that the way she was behaving made us feel like crap. she says she still cant forgive my dad for looking through her stuff (even though he found it by accident)
she was threatening leaving and selling the house which is bull because my parents are like 5 years away from completely owning the house - empty threat i hope (and if its not she'll regret it when/if she wises up)
but it was a whole mess, as i knew it would end up, we told her to be more open and connect with all of us more, and let us into her life instead of running away and being secretive. She took this to mean we didnt want her to go out anymore (far from the truth) we want her to go out but let us know where and with whom - and with people we can trust not degenerates who will just give her the attention we wont - but even so she's still gone out ('old habits' i guess).
but we were fine for a couple days then today she blew up again, although i think its just her usual blow up - she's very high strung and hates doing stuff for others (unless she can use it against people later) but things like cleaning the kitchen or bathroom just send her insane for some reason and she started, not shouting, but being a b-itch to my dad for not helping (im still waiting on her to ask for help, i wont help her unless she asks, she's too 'proud' to ask anyone for help)
im starting to get worried that this isnt just a one time mid life thing (my dad did the same -a new car, then got rid of it) but i think the mid life thing has exacerbated her behaviour, that one person said we've let her get away with and now its unbearable and she wont/doesnt understand how to change because we've let her get away with it
so im worried its a frankensteins monster thing, i know we're not responsible for her actions, but she doesnt have any perspective and cant lift herself out of her way to see how she acts and when someone points it out she goes crazy - its a vicious cycle and i dont know how to solve it
i dont want them to get divorced or sell the house, and my dad doesnt either (for two reasons one, he still loves her and wants to help her out, but i think he is still too suspicious and two his brothers marriage just broke up almost over the same thing - suspicion of infidelity - so its a pride thing, he cant let it fall apart)
but the thing is, the rest of us all have a great time when she's away, theres no fighting, we all get along well and have a great time, then she comes home from work/bars/weekend break with 'friends' etc its all tense and no one speaks to each other but shes in great spirits then we ask her how it went and she blows up and accuses us of accusing her of doing something - its ridiculous
i dont want them to break up, but i also dont want her around
i just dont konw what to do, i feel i have to do something i'm already far more mature, as is my brother, and even my sister than them, (which my dad openly states)
i feel like ive reached that stage 30 year olds reach when they have to take care of their parents and worry about them as if they were their own kids
i dont konw what to do, i hope she wises up, but i dont care, i recently went away and i came back and thought 'whats teh point?' why would you dedicate your life to being a an a-sshole or even not realise you're treating your own family this way - thats what lead to the big blowup i thoght she'd changed but it remains to be seen, i dunno i just dont care anymore, if its easier i'd rather just let her leave the house, but she's not capable on her own, she'll go to her mums house as she always does when things get bad (money etc) but then what?
i just dont care, its so stupid, im not one to do anything to harm others or make them feel bad, i dont think theres any reason to do it or to feel like this, i dont i'm just lost
thanks again for all your responses, its good to know people have similar feelings and experiences and are willing to share their opinions
thank you
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): i agree with male anon reader. you mother is acting in a despicable manner and she needs to be taught a lesson in morals and marital fidelity. it is so easy to say that she is your mother and that she deserves some sympathy and perhaps respect. actually she doesn't . if she is behaving like a common *lut (sorry to be crude) then she deserves to be put out from your lives. you do not need this so called role model in your lives. just be there for your dad, he will need it.
i think it was very noble of your dad to discuss with you your motjers affair. you see, as parents we think we can behave in a despicable manner and hide the truth from our kids. we expect our kids to turn a blind eye to our moral degeneration and we hide our true colours from our kids. in fact, surely our kids are supposed to be our conscious. so often i hear that we must not involve the kids in our mess - this is the biggest bull dust i have ever heard. people who say this belive that children should be seen but not heard. the buck stops here. our children have a role to play in our lives and i know so many children that have taken it upon themselves to make their parents account for their actions. i have never been more proud of these kids who know the difference between right and wrong and they are not shy to confront their parents for their actions. you too can play a role in righting this wrong. it may feel sometimes overwhelming but you will do well. take a deep breath and do your homework as to how you will confront your mother.
please love your dad and be there for him. he will need your support and even your guidance. you have a good head on your shoulders and trust me, you will be fine.
good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Being a rational person you'll understand why she has to be kicked out right now. She uses your father to get what she wants and doesn't give a damn about the rest of you. Even worse, your sister is now beginning to act like her. If your father is the "provider type" he will forgive her and try to save the marriage. You must prevent that at any cost, as that will lead to her spreading that ego of hers even more. She must be punished in order to learn. Don't give her a second chance until she earns it through actions and not through words.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (19 September 2009):
 First of all, I know you're older, but please understand what your mother does in an affair, if it is an affair, is simply not going to take her love for you away from you.
The other issues of lying, drinking and disappearing are probably bigger issues and you probably feel she's neglecting her family to be with the mystery man.
No one blames you for your anger, fear and intolerance in this area. Obviously you feel betrayed. But she's not betraying you. You're still her child.
Whatever you do, please don't hate your mother. Its not healthy for you or her.
Moreover, whatever reasons she had for doing these things,they concern your father more than you.
However, I do agree that from what you're saying she has been being neglectful in the way she's been carrying on with the late nights and drinking.
Just try and understand that if you plan on confronting her, don't be hateful or mean to her. She's your mom. Doing that to her is only going to make her feel worse than she already does.
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A
female
reader, obsticalfree +, writes (19 September 2009):
I really wish your father hadn't brought you into this because when everything boils down she is your mom and he is your dad and you shouldn't be made to take sides. Also IF they broke up over this you might need to be told but as he hasn't done anything ...including confronting her it isn't right that he has you worrying over this as this is HIS or THEIR relationship and your relationship with them is different. Regarding the other stuff.... her lies and selfish actions those things are effecting your relationship and those are the things you should be upset about and perhaps confront her about. Another thing.... this might be offbase but from your post it sounds like she has been telling these big knotted lies for some time as well as needing to be the center of attention and you have accepted it or learned to live with it? I had a similar expereince with my Mum and learned to live it as well. It was way into adulthood that after ending a relationship with a narcassist and asking myself WHY I had put up with the attention seeking lying behavior that I started really looking at my Mum . It was obvious she was a narcassist as well EVERYONE had known it even though it hadn't been labled. The bad thing is that living with someone like that you become conditioned to accepting or overlooking stuff like that . I'm not saying your Mum is a narcassist but... they characteristics you have described are narcassitic. Google it and look into it a little. If you read a lot of similar characteristics described you might want to read about the long term harmful effect that living with someone who is selfish, self-serving and attention seeking without concious can cause to their families. Basically, everything you mentioned about her is clearly upsetting but what made me feel like responding was your acceptance of that behavior. As a family memeber we often have to accept things in order to live with people but.... if those behaviors cause harm stress and confusion to others we need to reavaluate what is really 'acceptable' and what isn't. Part of your letter seemed to be excusing the most recent behavior as a midlife crises but the planning and manipulation of those deceits make it appear to be a practiced habit rather than a one off. Best of Luck to you
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