A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I'm really worried about my mum. She's been overweight for as long as I can remember but I'm really starting to worry about her health now. She's very heavy - she must be obese although I'm sure she doesn't realise this or is in denial. Every time I try to talk to her about it (in a really nice way) she will either get very defensive and crabby and tell me to mind my own business, or she will say, she knows, she must do something about it and will do at this date (it never happens, I try to remind her but then she gets into the denial stage again). She eats so much rubbish - crisps, chocolate, cake, and hardly ever eats proper meals other than ready meals. She has problems with her bowels and I'm worried about bowel cancer and she has recently been diagnosed with gall stones which she has been told is because she is overweight. She's in her 60s now and this has been going on for as long as I can remember. Her life is very limited, she is single and doesn't have any hobbies. I want to help her but I just don't know how. Can anyone advise me? Slimming classes she has done before and won't do again - same with joining a gym, walking to dog, etc etc. She is in complete denial and I want her to regain her confidence and start to enjoy life as much as she deserves.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): thanks for your responses. The problem is that I don't think my mum really is unhappy. She worries A LOT but she is generally a contented person. Although she has no hobbies as such, she likes to hang out with friends and she already has a dog - she just doesn't walk him! At the moment I am living her her and she works a lot so she is definitely not bored. And she says she is happy being single. She was depressed when my dad walked out and was on antidepressants but that was ages ago and she is much more independent and happy now. I think it has more to do with habit than anything else. She has always eaten for comfort and has always been big apart from spells of being tiny after dieting madly when she was younger.
How to help her break these habits though? I will start to cook for/with her more - so thank you for that suggestion. Problem is she's so fussy with food and usually refuses meals preferring to snack.
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (3 January 2010):
 Caring Guy is right. I sense that there is more to the story. No one's body needs that much food; sometimes, when people are in severe emotional distress, they drug themselves. Some people resort to drugs, and other people use food to medicate themselves.
She's single and she doesn't have any hobbies... it sounds to me like she's bored out of her skull! That's enough to drive anyone bananas. Your mom sounds like she might be depressed, or simply BORED.
An example of the effects of boredom, and loneliness:
I'm a restless person, and I need excitement and adventure or I just go stir-crazy. I live in a hick town... no guys, no opportunities, nowhere to go, no surprises. I just got back from a month-long hiatus in Spain, which was the fairytale land dreams are made of. I was thankful to be in Spain, but after all that, I'm having a really hard time readjusting. Coming back to my hick town was such a nasty shock. Back to being bored... I spent yesterday morning hunched in my bedroom, crying myself crazy: "I'm so bored, I'll go crazy if I have to rot here!!"
I'm bringing up my situation to show that I know first-hand that boredom and loneliness can make a person go nuts, not bitch about my own problems.
I'm stuck in my hometown until I can save the money up to leave, or I get a job elsewhere. There are other things keeping me here, so... I'm stuck for the time being. There aren't any decent guys here, or even any that wash (Piggly Wiggly is out of soap again!), so no dates. However, I have my dog, and I love her with all my heart, she is my world.
I'm embarrassed to admit this, but sometimes I worry that I might have turned to drugs (and destroyed myself with them) to cope with my boredom. I go smart, though, and found healthier ways to get stimulation.
I've thrown myself into my guitar playing, the one thing that keeps me sane. I'm going back to Tae Kwon Do, my sport that I've practiced throughout the years... without these things, I would struggle with my weight.
Your mom may need to see a counselor, because she may have depression, or she may need to see a doctor, to rule out some physiological cause for any underlying depression.
Perhaps your mom is just bored, and needs a hobby. Does she have any interests? Perhaps she could join a church or a continuing ed class. Talk to your mom and tell her you're worried... beg her just to try counseling, or to go to the doctor. Ask her to do it for your peace of mind, because you love her. :)
You say your mom is single...
It's possible your mom is depressed because she's lonely. At this point in her life, she may have too much on her plate (no pun intended) to handle a pet, but in the future, perhaps having a pet to keep her company would be a possibility? Lots of dogs and cats are languishing in the shelters, when they deserve families to love them. I think it might help her a lot.
First, though, it's necessary to get to the bottom of this eating disorder. Caring guy is right, talk to her, get her to open up, encourage her to see a counselor or therapist if she won't open up to you. Good luck. :)
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (3 January 2010):
 I agree with what Caring Guy said. She is eating because she is bored and probably depressed. Find something she is interested in. Maybe a day centre where she can socialise with others.
Go shopping with her and shop for fruit vegetables.meat and fish that needs to be prepared from scratch. Cook with her and eat with her. Invite people around to distract her from eating by herself.
Give her incentives to lose weight, e.g. if she loses a pound one week you will take her out to watch a film or a show or buy something nice for her.
Its really nice to hear that someone cares for her.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 January 2010):
 Comfort eating?
You are trying to make her stop eating, but she eats because it makes her happy. Excersing/dieting does not make her happy.
So, you need to find another way to make her happy.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 January 2010):
Look beyond the eating problem to what is really wrong. Maybe she's suffering from depression or something? The eating might be for comfort more than anything else. Try talking to her about how she feels about life instead, maybe she will open up then.
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