A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:DearCupid Aunts, I need your opinion on something.I came home the other day to find that my mother had gone through my entire room, and cleaned it out. My drawers, all my laundry, several of my purses/backpacks, and private papers, had been sorted, cleaned, and put somewhere else. Even my my bills, which I had been sorting in a bag, were removed. She threw them out apparently without looking, so my private information is now freely available. She also went into my closet. I cannot explain the utter panic and anger I felt at seeing this. Firstly, I didn't know where any of my things were and that scared me. Secondly, I felt utterly violated. I had personal items in my drawers and papers, which she simply 'threw in the wash.' Everything else was put in the basement. I don't even know what her criteria for throwing things in the garbage was. I wasnt there.I left the house for a long walk to keep calm, but when I came back and discovered special items from my boyfriend had been thrown in the basement and nearly lost, I exploded.It is true my room was messy (what colleges students isn't?) But I had sorted my things into bins. Furthermore, I do not see how this warrants going through someone's drawers?! My mother says she was doing it to help me, and 'do my laundry.' However, I also know she wants to convert the room into a different bedroom, and was simply checking another 'chore' off her list without bothering to ask me.So, here is my problem: I still feel completely violated and like I have lost my dignity. My father is irritated that my mother and I haven't spoken for a few days and told me to "Get over it. I'm tired of your behaviour. You have no right to ignore your mother. She was trying to help you." My mother has not spoken to me or apologized.I am 21 years old. I am sorry this was so long, but I am still very anxious. My room was my safe place. How do I deal with this? I feel like I am 17, my father is treating this like I am at fault. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Observer  +, writes (17 January 2017):
If you've had some traumatic experience in your life which made you feel violated, having your own personal space intruded upon can make you feel that way all over again. This is the top result when searching for "feeling violated when my room is entered", so I thought I'd just say to anyone looking for consolation - you're not alone.
However, assuming normal circumstances, I would agree that the parent does have the right to make sure that room, as part of the entire house, is clean, one way or another.
To everyone who gave constructive criticism and explanation, thank you for your honesty.
To everyone who posted self-righteously, go **** yourselves.
:)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 Sounds like you and your mother aren't getting along well. She did this to piss you off, that's for sure. She did it because she could. Her house, her rules, you know. As long as you live in her house it isn't "your" room, it is all her rooms, and you are just borrowing one of them.
Do you pay rent? If you pay rent then she can not enter your room, as it actually will be your room since you're paying for it.
Maybe it is time to move out, since you already need to use time away from home going on long walks to calm yourself down. There's nothing to do about your mothers behaviour, you can not go to the police saying "my mom cleaned my room without permission".
Move out.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 I can understand your outrage to a degree, especially with your mum's careless disposal of your personal information, but overall I'm with her on this one.Messy people don't seem to realise that their mess affects everyone. It isn't simply a case of closing your bedroom door and out of sight, out of mind. The rest of the house might not resemble your room, but your bad habits are part of a mind set and that mind set follows you where ever you go. Your room is the space allocated to you while you live in their home. It is not legally YOURS to treat as you wish. And while you are, understandably, furious with the intrusion, your mum is equally and also understandably furious with the violation of her space and lack of regard for your parents time and resources.Your mum has undoubtedly been after you for a while to clean up your room and you've been blowing her off. At least that's how she sees it. She was fed up asking and being ignored. She was fed up stepping on hard, concealed objects trying to retrieve items you'd borrowed, and tracking down dirty dishes, and she was fed up of all the other inconveniences she's endured.Your mother didn't consult you first because she knew she'd be dismissed again and she wanted results, not excuses. Like I said, I can appreciate some of how you feel, but in fairness you ought to consider how your mum and dad feel. Seeing things from their perspective for a moment might temper your anger and give you some insight into how best to approach them.At the very least, I would suggest that you keep your room in the condition your mum left it. Once she trusts you that you'll treat their property with respect, she will be quite happy to back off and give you your space.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): well it's her house so she has the right to enter 'your' room. However, she did not have the right to go through your backpacks and purses as those are yours not hers.
this is definitely a violation of boundaries. I think you should move out of the house.
(it can get worse: I know people whose SPOUSES do this to them)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I understand that you are upset as she did invade your space and privacy. However, your 21, you should be sitting down with your mum and asking her not to do it again and if she does want to have a clean to ask you first and maybe go through your stuff together to see what you want to keep and what can be thrown away, it can be nice to have help to clean your room, something to do together. It is her house and she probably wants every room clean and tidy.
It seems a bit childish not talking to your mum for days because of it, she actually probably thought she was helping, maybe she thought youd walk in see how clean it was and be thankful, dont stay mad with her, make up with her and she just go over ground rules as to her going through your stuff.
My boyfriend's mum is the same and he just told her what not to touch as it is important to him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Well there is an easy solution to this.
Keep your room tidy and keep IMPORTANT receipts and documents in a lock-box in your closet or where ever it's convenient.
Yes, she shouldn't have tossed stuff out or gone though your drawer, but I don't blame her for deciding to "muck" out your room. Maybe she just had enough of the mess?
My kids HAVE to clean their rooms daily. I vacuum twice a week (have a child with allergies so that is a must) and if they don't clean up, I toss what's on the floor. My kids are from 8-12 not 21 and they ALL keep neat room.
The thing about living at home is also that you really don't have the kind of privacy you might want to. Because since you still live at home, your parents might still see you as a "child".
Sorry, I agree with your Dad.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Hi
I dont think you should be ignoring your mum,sit down and talk,get your point of view across and listen to hers too.
I agree going through backpacks,drawers and closet IS a bit to much, especially as you weren't there to say whether things needed keeping rather than throwing out. A quick tidy up,hoover n polish would be fine. Then requesting you to do the rest-or doing it together.
It sounds to me like your parents may be preparing for you moving, its more a spring clean or clear out than simply tidying your room.
SO talk to your mum, don't stay silent,she loves you. If it is too much and you want independance,then make plans to leave and find your own space.But make peace whatever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I know where you're coming from too. My mother had an awful habit of throwing out things that were important that she deemed to be "mess". She would also come and go from my room whenever she pleased and tidy up.
I used to get so furious at her when she did it too she had no reason to go through my drawers and when she dumped my important documents box I exploded and had to go for a walk to calm down.
We resolved it though OP through conversation and compromise. It's her house she can enter any room in that house almost any time she pleases and she did respect my privacy and boundaries OP as your mom does most of the time too. But she'd get into this cleaning mode some times and feel some weird need to go into mine and my sisters rooms and do a clear out.
OP like your mom her intention was never to invade my privacy, it was never done to upset me or fuck with me, she didn't intentionally throw out stuff that was important to me she just didn't think that way at all.
The way we resolved it was this. I sat down and talked to her like the adult I was. Explained to her why I was so angry, that there was really important stuff there that she threw out and she apoligzed for messing with that stuff.
Now if you think your mother is going to apologize while you're still throwing a hissy fit then you're wrong. My mother is as stubborn as you can get but when I sat down and explained to her what those things were she understood but she certainly didn't respond to me throwing my toys out of the pram, which I hate to say you are kind of doing right now.
When we talked we set out that the things I felt where important would be put in a certain place and I would appreciate it if she left that box alone. I also agreed to keep my room tidy, student or not OP you're a grown woman and you can keep your room tidy if only to prevent this kind of conflict happening in the future. I did and it was no problem at all.
The most important compromise of all was this though OP. I acknowledged to her that in her house her rules apply and she can go anywhere she wants in her house but the only thing I ask is that next time she's in clear out mode she wait until I'm there and I'll gladly do my room that day for or with her.
OP calm down and relax about this, I know it feels like a violation but really it was just misjudgement with no bad intentions on her part, as far as dignity goes no offence OP but grow up. She messed with your stuff and you got it all back and sorted it, she didn't pull down her knickers, squat down and take a shit on your pillow.
"Get over it. I'm tired of your behaviour. You have no right to ignore your mother. She was trying to help you."
Is exactly right OP, it's done she can't change it and only you can resolve this by womaning up and talking this out with her. Set some boundaries and compromise.
Remember OP it's not your room, when your name is on that deed then it is but until then it's her room and you're a guest in it. Want to maintain your privacy make sure she has no reason to go in there anymore, make it so when she peeks in she'll have no inkling to go in and clean up.
That's what I did and that's how I maintained my room as a safe place. I threw down my laundry, I had a specific area that I kept all my important things tucked away, my mom would go in and grab some coffee cups I'd left there that morning or change my sheets and she respected my private areas, if she saw something she wanted me to do she'd let me know and I got it done.
So calm down, chill out and talk to your mother as the woman you are. Even your father says your reaction is going too far, you can either be stubborn or you can fix this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): what do you do? you move out, if you can't you suck it up cause ultimately it's her roof her rules, your dad is not on your side either, and not talking to her is indeed very childish if you don't want her to clean your room keep it clean.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 November 2012):
 I think I would take this boundary violation as a hint from your parents that they want you to get your own place. I would be extremely upset if my mom went through my drawers and such. I don't even live at home but some of my stuff is still there, especially things from high school (like embarrassingly angst-y journals). Yeah you live in their house, but unless your parents are fascists I think it's reasonable to expect SOME privacy. There is a big difference between picked your stuff off the floor and going through all your drawers and your purses. That is way beyond cleaning.
So I'd either take this as a sign from them that they want you out of the house, or as a sign they are worried you're getting into drugs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): You are right, lots of 21 years olds are messy, but not all. I grew up in an old country, with a mother that made me clean my room every single saturday till I got married and left her house.This was her rule, and I wouldn't dare to break it.When I came to US, I cleaned houses for a couple of years, and couldn't believe the mess I saw particulary in a house with kids leaving at home. In one house I couldn't open a room of a 19 year old, because floor was covered with stuff.Then my daughter started growing up. Majority of our disagreements with her was about a mess she was trying to create in her room. She was trying this line with me also, just leave her room alone and don't invade my privacy.One day I got fed up and did leave her alone. Few days later something started to smell. So, I walked into her room trying to see where the smell is coming from. I found wet bathing suit with mold on it tucked into the dresser. I cleaned her room till the day she left for college, invading her privacy day by day. Years later she told that she couldn't see then how much work I did around the house. Now she lives on her own, making me taking my shoes off every time I visit:).It is frustrating not to be able to find your things after clean up. May be it will help you to get over it thinking that you mother did try to help you, it's not like the purpose of this clean up was to invade your privacy and go through your things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I can almost bet, she has been after you to take care of that room and get things cleaned up and out for a long time. And since you didn't, she took it upon herself to help the process along. You are 21 and you are still keeping your room messy...that is what a young teenager does.It is their home and your parents have the right to do whatever they want with all the things in their home. Unless you are paying rent and bought and paid for everything in that bedroom, you have no case.Now, I do understand the privacy and violation part of it. My mother did it to me when I was a teenager too because she had enough with my mess and it just happened one day. It's devastating and I was very upset, no doubt.I've also gone in and did a top to bottom cleaning in my children's rooms as well because they didn't do it on their own when I asked them. It only happened once and I did warn them what was going to happen if they didn't do it. However, I did NOT go through their personal stuff..yes, I cleared out drawers of old underwear/mismatched socks and stuff to get rid of, and yes I did find "other things" that I didn't wish to find, but so be it, there they were under a sock. I really think going through your backpacks and purses was out of line though. Anyway, all I can really say is if you don't like the situation, you need to move out and find your own place to live. Your parents do love you and want the best for you, but you are living in their home as an adult and that's very different from being a child.Let it go...it really isn't the end of the world and all of this will pass...you need your parents and their support...and as you enter into the real adult world, you are going to want their support and listening ear more than you realize down the road. don't let this be the end all, just move on and figure out what you want to do, and have to do to gain more independence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I would have felt the same way! Completely violated..I don't like people using my laptop or messing with my things..I don't mess with yours, don't mess with mine is my policy!When my laptop was used by sisters without even taking my permission it drove me insane and I can imagine having your mom go thru ur room!I think she should have asked you before doing the cleaning or at least warned you like get your room cleaned up like an ultimatum may be to get ur room cleaned in 3 days or she would do it..something like this! but this is just ridiculous!! helping you clean is a different thing but re arranging things her way is different!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Whoa, what a bulldozer of a mom. I have a 22 y.o. son at home, and it must be at least 8 years or so that I don't even darken his room's threshold if not expressely invited - actually, he's very tidy, probably tidier than I am, but , that makes no difference .
Tidy must have made a difference for your mom though... somehow I don't feel that this " attack " has been totally unprovoked and unforeseen....you say your room was messy , how messy- and WHY messy ? You are 21 , not 12, you are supposed to be able to live like a normally functioning adult in a normally functioning household,- if you can't, somebody will step in for you ,once they are sufficiently fed up.
I still think your mom was inconsiderate and crossed boundaries, but, well,maybe also keeping a messy room well below the standard of neatness of a house that is not yours and in which you are graciously allowed to stay, is not very considerate.
Basically it's the old " her house her rules ". One of the rules is , I guess, not to turn rooms into junkyards, and when a rule is broken, ... the consequences may be unpleasant .
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Your mum should not have done what she did. Everyone is entitled to some personal space. What she should have done was either say to you "I want your room tidied by x date. If its not, then i will tidy it". Either way, she has no right to throw out your property as it doesn't belong to her.She shouldn't need to go through your drawers anyway. All she would need to do was vacuum the floor and dust so that just means moving things out of the way.I get my kids to tidy their own rooms. If things need chucking out, we do it together. That's the best way to do things and this is what you should ask mum to do next time.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Well your mum was pretty stupid, throwing out important things like bank details etc without shredding them is just plain dumb, she has left you open to identity fraud.
However she was trying to help, and it is her house (you dont own the house) and when your own house is a mess it gets very frustrating - she probably just reached the point where she couldnt take it anymore and went on a mad cleaning spree. Yes you are a college student, but this is your parents house and you should show some respect. You are lucky that they let you live at home (rent free as well I presume?) so you should be grateful for the accomodation and treat their home with respect, rather than treating it like your own personal dumping ground.
You said yourself you hate feeling like you are being treated like a teenager, however you are acting like one by allowing your room to be a mess. Teenagers have messy rooms, not young adults. You need to grow up a bit, respect that your mum and dad's house is their place that they take pride in and that now you are older you cant leave your room in a mess anymore. Cleaning it once a week isnt a big deal - just buy a shredder and you can shred your private documents once a week and then anything else can go in the bin that you dont need.
Your dad is right that you need to 'get over it' - it has happened, you cant change it so this stand off with your mum cant carry on forever.
Try talking to her and explain what has upset you - tell her that you are upset private documents are in the garbage and it has left you open to identity fraud, and ask her never to do that again as it compromises your security. Tell her you are buying a shredder and from now on any unwanted documents will be shredded before they go in the garbage. Tell her that it upset you that she didnt involve you in deciding what was rubbish and what wasnt, and say if she wants to clean up next time can she wait until you are home so you can do it together. And finally apologise to her for letting your room get so messy and tell her it wont happen again. If she hears you apologise she might apologise as well, but if you have a go at her she is never going to apologise.
Once you have had a chat then let it go and move on, after all no-one has died, she didnt throw out the important things from your boyfriend (they were just moved, not thrown out) and she is your mum and you cant be angry at her forever.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 November 2012):
 Unfortunately, since your name isn't on the deed to the house or on the lease if it's a rental, even though you feel violated and understandably so, your mom can do whatever she wants, including take all of your stuff out of that room and pitch it onto the front lawn and you along with it.
Something you said caught my interest. You said that everything else was moved to the basement, and that your mom was talking about converting the room to a different bedroom?? Are you planning on either moving out anyways or taking over the basement as your living space??
You said your room was messy? Had you and your mom clashed over this fact? Was this a bone of contention?? I know my mom was an extreme neat freak and my brother was almost kicked out of the house for being messy.
The only way to get true privacy is to have a place of your own. Unless you share your name on the lease or have been paying rent to your parents and formalized your place in that house in writing, she and your dad have the right to do it. I'd be furious too, so I get where you're coming from, but that's the big drawback to living with parents even as an adult. You'll never get treated with the respect of an adult as long as you're being supported by them in their house. Sucks, but that was one of the chief motivators that got me moved out of the house at a young age.
Even when I lived at home before I moved out, I bought a safe and placed stuff I didn't want anyone to touch in it, because not only did my mom read my diary when I was a teenager (she was worried that I had become sexually active...HAH!), but my younger brother was stealing money from me! How's THAT for violated?!? Oh yeah, and when I was 17, our house got robbed for real. You never know the feeling of violated until you come home to see three police cars in the driveway and your house ransacked with almost every thing made out of glass or ceramic shattered everywhere.
My suggestion is to make plans to become independent, and if you can't, make plans to secure things you do not want seen. I used a safe I bolted into the ground. You can use whatever you need. You also may want to sit down with both of your parents and talk about the real issue, which isn't just that she blew through your room, but that you want the dynamic of your parent/child relationship to change. That might require drawing up a lease and paying them some rent as well as draw up a bill of rights and responsibilities (i.e. they stay out of your room unless there's a crime being committed like drug use, and you promise to keep your room orderly and clean).
One way to be seen as an adult is to act like one, including in this occasion. You can either sulk and emotionally punish your parents, or you can take a meeting and discuss it like adults. Keep your cool and your family might just get to know each other a little better because of it.
If you have a job and/or you're a student and you simply can't take it at home, there are a zillion ads for roommate/communal arrangements, where two or three or four young adults split the costs but live on their own. Keep all of your options open because even though it does cost a lot to live on your own, being independent is a really amazing feeling.
Your parents love you, and you love them. Why not get the air cleared between both of you. You have a right to feel the way you do, and they have a right to feel they can do whatever they want to in the house they're paying for. Come to the arrangement, clear the air, and you'll all feel better for it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I've been there. My Mum used to go through my room while I was away at University and I'd find all sorts of things gone or moved when I got back for the holidays. She thought she was 'helping', I did get mad and we did argue.
Everyone is entitled to their own privacy and your Mum did cross the line. However I think you need to consider that even though it's 'your room', it's still ultimately a room in your parents house. If you're not keeping it clean in the way she keeps the rest of the house of course it is going to annoy her. Also, Mum's want to help. They can't resist it and if it seemed like you weren't keeping on top of things then it's a natural thing for her do to when you're living under her roof.
The way we sorted it out was that I kept it tidy, as a respect of her property and she therefore left everything alone.
The only way anyone ever gets total privacy is by moving out and having their own place, but there are compromises and you need to sit down with your Mum and work it out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): Its not your home. Its theirs. As their child your pretty much using their space for your own means. If its messy they can do whatever they want in there. Even if its clean they can pretty much go in there if they want. Its their property. They bought it and paid for it.
What do you do? Get a place of your own hun. You're 21. Time to leave the coup and build your own more private nest.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): Has you mum been trying to get you to tidy your room up for a while at all? And when you say it was mess, how messy was it? Or was it just untidy?
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