A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was in a LDR for almost 8 months when he finally said he had to end it because it would prevent the pain from being worst. I met this man online...and I only had agreed to even chat with him because he was suppose to be relocating to the city I live in within 5 months. Knowing that I agreed to continue to chat. We chatted a few times on line and then he called me to arrange our first date. I think I feel in love the moment I heard his voice. The date was arranged without any hiccups and we had another great conversation before we actually met. Our first date was incredible. We both agreed we had an incredible connection. For 8 months we talked 1-2 times everyday. After only a few weeks we both felt like we he know each other for years. For the first time in his life he told me I was the only woman he thought emotionally about for the first month. In the 8 months we saw each other 5 times. This could have been more frequent but some visits were cancelled because he had to be with his daughter, I know now that the EX had interfered with our plans for her own selfish reasons. He is divorced, has been for 3+ years, the ex is remarried and even has another child. He has 1 daughter from the marriage , she's almost 9. They have joint custody but child lives with mother and this man I was involved with has the child every weekend and sometime sees his daughter during the week. I have a child myself, she's 9 and this man was wonderful with her. I''ll call this man "D". When D and I met he was moving bcz his ex's hubby was getting a job transfer to the city I live in. D had agreed to move as well so he could be close to,his daughter. D actually had a tough child hood himself and he doesn't want his kid to ever feel she is not important or loved. So... Fast forward to present day, D's ex tells him her hubby is taking a job in Asia! D says he has been so tormented with what to do. He loves me like he's never loved anyone else and he's never had anyone love him like I do BUT... He says he has to go to Asia as well to be with his daughter. So he's going to give up his entire life here to make sure his EX never bad mouths him to his daughter. He feels that he cam only protect his daughter for this by being there. Does he need to get some balls. Why isn't he telling the ex she can't take the kid and stay her and be with me! I feel like he is choosing to make sure the EX is happy and doesn't go physco . I hate the ex and all I feel is that he's choosing her instead of feeling he could have it all with me and his kid there! I don't want to give him up and it kills me when he tells me he loves me. Is he just weak? Can I do anything ? I feel like we are so right for each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all those with answers. It's been incredibly tough. I know as a parent myself we must make sure our children know they are important and loved. I guess I have to just accept he isn't strong enough or have enough balls to stand up to his ex and have both me and his kid in his life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): I suspect "D" gave you an over the top story as an excuse not to continue this supposed relationship you guys had going. I'm willing to bet he met a woman locally.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 I don't know the laws in Canada, but in most states in the US, no matter WHAT custody agreements are in place BOTH parents have to give consent THROUGH the courts in order to move out of state and certainly out of the country.
The mom can be charged with federal kidnapping if he DOESN'T give his consent. But again, it might be different in Canada.
He can't EVER make sure the ex doesn't badmouth him to their child, he isn't with the child 24/7, so that is a bogus excuse.
And they could sort out visitations so that the daughter can go with the mom and can see him for summer vacations and whatever the parents can agree on.
I can understand WHY he would want to live close to his child, but no one just MOVES to Asia, without a job.
As for your question: " can I do anything? " My answer is no, not really. His child is his 1st priority and you need to accept that. Now if he chooses to end it with you because being near his child is more important, there isn't anything you can do.
Sorry.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 November 2012):
 he has joint custody... there is no need for him to go to Asia. he can tell the mom she can't take the child and then the mom can make the choice.
he gets a lawyer and tells the ex that she can't take his child out of the country.
when i was divorced I was limited in what COUNTIES I could live as part of our agreement.
are you sure this is not just an excuse to get out of a relationship with you?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 I think Jonas might be mistaken, in joint legal custody of minors both parents share decisions about the child's upbringing . Both parents have to communicate with each other and come to a common decision on such issues as schooling , medical care and HOUSING.
This mother may have physical custody ( i.e. the child is assigned to live with her ) , but your bf has the very same legal rights as her when making majot decision about their child.
So yes, your bf could very well put his foot down and refuse that the child be taken out of his country without his consent . (That's why when , issuing a passport for a minor, or registering the minor on a parent's passport, BOTH parents must give their signed consent ). If the mother can't swallow it, she can recur to the court and let the judge decide.
Why does he not do that ? I am afraid you'll have to ask him. Maybe he is just a wuss, maybe he is afraid that the mother would follow her new husband anyway- so the kid would be deprived of her mum, maybe he does not want to put the child at the center of a court battle .
I must say that following his child around the world on the tracks of a stepfather that , as Jonas says, could re-relocate any minute, does sound unwise, and that the reason he gives for that -not to be badmouthed by the child's mother - is lame ( the mother could badmouth him and brainwash the child even if they lived next door !) -
BUT, anyway, the reason for NOT relocating should not be to cultivate a new love object that he has physically seen 5 times in 8 months, and that he basically does not even know. In fact, a newfound romance should not be a big factor in his decision, what counts in this case is the best interest of the minor , and the best way your bf can share his parental responsibilities. Maybe he could also do that from afar ( at least, so I think ) , but anyway that's for him to decide , and not on the base of his present romantic interests , but on that of his daughter's future.
Sorry if this sounds harsh , but you are a parent of a 9 y.o. too, what would you do if the roles were reversed ?
I don't see you even considering transplanting YOUR child to Asia just to cultivate your romance,... and , after all, it is something he could coincevably suggest as it would be convenient for him. Same as his staying and letting his child go would be convenient for you.
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