A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal to go on family vacations every year? My mom has forced my brother and I to go on vacations every year, almost twice a year since we were young. Over the years my Brother has protested against Travelling with the family. On my part, having to travel during vacation period has made me unable to apply for internships. The travel periods aren't long (like two weeks) but it always falls during internship period and companies have feedback that they want someone able to commit during the entire period. This has made me resentful during travelling with my family over the years. I think internships are a great way to improve my portfolio and allow me to gain experience on industries I want to work in. But my mom doesn't buy this reason. She insists that its "family time". Just two weeks ago she broke into tears and started screaming at my brother when he told her he didn't want to go travelling with her at the end of the year. I know my Mom means well. But my Brother and I (he is 19. I am 22) have other plans during our vacation periods now. We don't want to travel with our parents. My dad is indifferent. But my mom always flies into this rage and says she is still putting a roof over our heads. I only have a year more to go before I move out of the house (which means I have less of an obligation to travel with my parents). Even though I shudder at the thought of my Mom flying into a rage. She is bound to propose for a family vacation even when I do not live with her anymore. I just feel so resentful over the years over what I couldn't do while Travelling with them. By the way my Brother and I still live with our parents. This is common in Singapore as rents are crazy expensive. Of course it's their house and I respect the rules they have for us. But I don't think this means we're forced to travel with them. One reason why we don't want to travel with our parents besides having other vacation plans is because my mom gets the final say in whatever we do during the trip. There is no form of compromise. We have to be with her 24/7, even when we were in London and I had girlfriends who live there and offered me their place to crash for a night. I want to go to museums but museums bore her, my Brother likes walking down the streets and soak in the atmosphere but my mom thinks it's a waste of money. Parents, is it common to make your children go on vacation with you? And children, how old were you when you stopped Travelling with your parents? Is this healthy?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2015):
 How common it is , it will also depend from different social codes in diffrrent cultures, I suppose that maybe in Singapore the social and family structure is more conservative ,ergo what you complain about. But in the Western world, yes, I'd say yours would be an unusual situation. It would be a bizarre situation too, because famuly vacations are great when actually all the family wants to take vacations together, and reinforce their bonds and sense of family cohesion, out of a heartfelt sincere desire. But if's there's half of the family who's dragged into vacations kicking and screaming- then it's a fake thing and a bit ridicolous. It would be like wanting to make charity mandatory, and threaten people at gun point to make them donate to the Red Cross. Yeah, the Red Cross would get the money- but the sentiment behind it would be a sad travesty of generosity. Same as a forced family reunion is a sad travesty of the family values which should promote and preserve.
What can you do, is simply to thoughen up a bit. To grow a thicker skin and stand your ground.
And notice, I am never one to say disobey your parents , or make your mother cry ! I am a parent too, and one who believes in " my house my rules " as for that.
But, there 's a limit in everything , and your mother is exceeding it. She is actually holding you back in your future career ( preventing you from doing work stages ) - probably because she gets bored travelling alone with her husband , or because she wants to offer a politically correct image of the happy close family in vacation. Or, more simply, because she wants what she wants when she wants it, and screw anybody 's else reasonable , legitimate wants and needs.
That's not respect. A parent must be respected- but she / he has to give respect too .
So, for once I'll have to say : don't be such a scaredy cat. Put your foot down. Just refuse to go. Your mother will scream rant and rave ? Well then let her scream rant and rave. How long can she go on, 2 hours , 4 ? One whole day ? Eventually she will have to quiet down for lack of breath.
What do you think she can do, in practice, if you firmly refuse to go ? Have you abducted by a squad of mercenary soldiers ? Cut off your utilies , water gas electricy, - and let you starve to death , no food no money- for the 2 weeks she is away ?
Kick you out of her life forever , and go no contact.... because you don't want to take a vacation ?...
Naaaah. 100 to 1 she won't do it. Not if she is sane of mind. And if she is not, i.e. if she actually considers disowning her kids, because they don't want to join a family vacation, then you need to make your father intervene and take charge - and a good psychiatrist too !
That would be IMO the sensible, adult choice. Just being respectful but firm. No thanks, I am not leaving. She can't PHISICALLY drag you into the plane, can she ?
On the other end, I want to make it easier for you , because I see that, more and beyond being a dutiful, obedient daughter, it seems that you are absolutely cowed and terrorized by your mother outbursts, so I offer you an alternative :
don't rock the boat and just go ONE more time, this last year that you spend under her roof. Pretty soon, hopefully, you will have completed your education and gotten a job. You can move out , be financially independent , live alone ot with roommmates... and then there's really nothing your mother can force you to do.
Yes, she can want expect and demand that you'll go in vacation with her even when you'll live on your own. SO what ? " You can't always get what you want ", this is a lesson that your mom will learn too as any other mortal being. I'd really be curious to see HOW in practice she can drag you somewhere if you don't want to go, once you do not live under her roof anymore and do not depend from her financially ! What do you think she could do, torch your apartment ?! She'll make some fuss- then if you stand firm , polite but firm, she won't have any other choice than backing off.
In the meantime, though, pls. strive to put together some guts and some self esteem. I understand that maybe you are the type who hates confrontations, and I am sure that NOBODY enjoys seeing their mother upset and in tears.... but you know, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. And the moment is coming when you'll need to do some major egg breaking if you want to live as an adult, and not as a needy helpless child for the rest of your life.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 October 2015):
 "Parents, is it common to make your children go on vacation with you? And children, how old were you when you stopped Travelling with your parents? Is this healthy?"
1. It's common for parents who go on vacation and have children who have not yet realized that they are adults and can (and should!) make their own decisions.
2. Many of us discontinued vacations with our parents when we reached adulthood.... usually at about age 18....
3. It's as healthy as all involved agree it is....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2015): I'd give anything to be able to go on family vacation. Family is something people are now taking for granted. I have two daughters whom I love very much and once they are older I'd love to take them once a year for a family outing. It's hard to think that your baby girls/boys are growing up. Soon before you know it they'll have a family of their own and if we are lucky we'll get to see them for the holiday's. I do understand your frustration for the time frame with internships. Maybe you could try to work it out for a different time? But honestly don't take it for granted. You'll wake up one day and look back at those times and smile. Try to see where your mother is coming from.
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