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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 26 years old; still living at home..paying off loans, helping my parents and also not really making enough to be able to afford itMy father is actually the more laid back, practical one..he doesn't question me really if i am going out..he will basically just ask where but it just doesn't feel the same way when my mother does itI feel like i have anxiety almost whenever I want to go out; I am single and have been trying to meet guys through online dating. I do pretty much do what i want but i just feel anxiety before going out. I just automatically begin feeling nervous from the time i start getting ready b/c i know the questions will be coming and her wondering where i am going..at this point i have told her..i am not answering where i am going anymore..i am telling you i am going out whether it is with a friend, a guy, Jesus himself it shouldn't really matter and that I am not a teenager. If i didn't do anything bad then, i doubt i will at this point. But still..i am almost starting to think she wants me here forever..in that small tiny room..whenever i am on the phone i have to go into the corner of my room, put the fan on and tv just to block out the nose from anyone hearing me. And i know at times she conveniently is doing something in the next room (it's a small aparment..the dining room is right outside my bedroom) and i feel like she is standing there trying to listenI just don't get it at this point..shouldn't she want to give me privacy and hope i am with someone soon? I feel at times she has held me back. Rather than just going out without questions asked and her even calling me when i am out, i have to have anxiety about it.I feel a sense of relief when i am out of the house walking to meet the person..but even if i was on a date and they were going to drive me home, i get this anxiety feeling because i know she is very nosy and would probably peak out the window from time to time.I am actually meeting someone for a 4th date tomorrow..he doesn't live close so i am going to probably sleep over in an innocent way..and i will have to tell my mother i am meeting a friend and sleeping over her place which i have before. But still..i already just feel anxiety about it.Even when i brought up moving in with a good friend of mine, she didn't seem happy about it or even pushing me to do it...I am starting to resent her b/c i feel like she should be pushing me to meet someone and making my life easier in that aspect of not asking me questions or trying to listen to calls.Can anyone relate to what i am going through?
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 I had a controlling mother who didn't think I was entitled to boyfriend's at your age, and I was a 'sl*g' for having one. I actually moved out at 18, but there were periods where I moved home until I finally left at 27. It is time that you got a place of your own as you need your own place and space. A flat share or lodging arrangement in someone's house would be an economically sound way to rent. My mother used to steam my letters open and listen to my phone calls - you are not alone. Having such mothers is a great life skill but you just don't know it yet. It will make you careful about your personal possessions and what you tell people when you do establish an independent life in your own place. Some mothers have trouble cutting the psychological umbilical cord. You have been her 'child' for a very long time and being your mother is an integral part of her identity and sense of purpose. With you gone, she has no-one to fuss over except your Dad and the potted plant. I know the rows about moving out that I had with my mother were all based around her anxiety and sense of loss, rather than my welfare. When I was 7 months pregnant with my baby, my mother told me that I shouldn't bank on my husband being around as things would change with a baby and he would probably leave and go elsewhere! She told me I should never let him take the baby abroad in case he 'kidnapped' our son and didn't bring him back.
As for dating men from the internet, you have to realise this woman comes from a different generation where there wasn't technology in her youth. She no doubt hears the horror stories about facebook murderers and perverts on the radio and TV. It is bound to worry her about your safety. This worry is normal parental love. Although you might get lucky and find romance over the internet, it is also a dangerous place as there are lots of people hiding behind their laptops who wouldn't find a date anywhere else. It worries ME to see you writing that you would contemplate accepting lifts home from first dates, staying at the houses of men you barely know etc. You have got to be careful and sensible about it. Mr Nice Guy might turn out to be a right bunny boiler in private and you really shouldn't put your family home at risk from people you don't know very well. I hope it works out for you but be aware of the risks. Just take care if you choose for internet dating!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Yes and no.
Yes , I can relate to the fact that living with an overprotective mother at 26 must be very annoying.
No, I can't relate to the fact that, you say, she "makes" you feel anxious or what else. Nobody "makes" us feel what we feel- there is no direct cause-effect relationship. Other girls in your situation maybe would laugh it off, or ignore her and go merrily about their business, or get mad and move out at the cost of financial sacrifices. In a sense, we are responsible for what we feel.
If you feel that you can't be happy moving out and living with a friend without your mom's enthusiastic
consent, - you can't blame her for your excessive need for approval.
Also, when you say that ,in your opinion, she "should " think or act in a certain way- you are doing exactly the same thing as she does. Like, she thinks you "should " keep her updated about everything going on in your life , to the point she is eardropping. And you think she "should " be pushing you to move out.
Life it's easier if you just - within the limits of respect and courtesy of course - do what you gotta do without deciding how other people "should " feel and "should " react.
It's not you mom holding you back- you are holding yourself back. Don't blame her if you have some trouble in cutting the apron's strings.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Time you took charge of your life. Time to cut the aprong strings if your mother refuses to loosen them. Success for a parent is not to bring a child into the world, only to keep them dependant on the parent for the rest of the life of their offspring.
Success for a parent is teaching them the life skills to stand on their own two feet and go forth into the world as an independant achieving adult.
You are way too old to still be living at home. And way too old to have to suffer the intrusiveness of your (sorry but it has to be said) interferring mother. Do not get to the point where you are an old woman, wondering what 'might have been'.
You also need to revise your own budget to make sure you can live your life, away from the home of your parents, and meet all your own expenses. If you still feel the need to help your parents it must not compromise you to the extent that it stops you from living an independant life. Don't allow any guilt trips imposed on you by your mother stop you living your life as an independant woman.
You have a right to seek happiness.
For your own safety don't confine yourself to online dating. And you need more than just dating partners. You need friends. When you do leave home make sure you find friends you can relate to. Find activities that provide you opportunities to meet socially and form platonic friendships with people as well as possible dating friends.
My first mother in law (who i remain close to, after my first husband died) has told me so much about her terrible interferring mother in law. Her mother in law would throw a tantrum or feign illness whenever she wanted to
control her son and stop him living his life. In the end he shifted 1000 miles away and finally started living his life. Though not before she ranted and raved that she would be dead within 3 months if her son left her. Yet she continued to live long long after that to an old age. And even after her son married this woman still tried to cause trouble, and was as tantrum plagued as a 2 year old, according to my mother in law. Except my mother in law saw through the tantrums of her mother in law, and worked around her, to get things done..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): I can relate to your situation. I do not need to sneak around when it comes to dating (she would find it all a laugh, really...), but my mother is verrrry paranoid/suspicious and it causes me much stress. It is a tricky situation... because of your financial situation, you can't misstep and risk being kicked out! You also do not want to make living there more difficult than it needs to be... you have to try and try to stay on your warden, if you will's good side. They've no right to be all parenty to you as you are a legally an adult, but as in other ways you can't be considered precisely grown- up and are forced into dependency, you still have to pay them their full parental respect, as if you were still a child (not teenager, because then you could probably have been as bratty and socially free as you would have liked and they'd still be forced to keep you! ha).
If your mother really doesn't understand the dating thing, or even the moving in with a friend? Is that still an option?... you are unfortunately Stuck for the time being. If you care enough about a strong relationship with her to have not taken that move- in opportunity (after which, you would have been out of her control)... I am afraid there's not so much to be done. :(
More detail might help us see other ways around your situation.
Here sufferin' with you,
Tante Victoire
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Hon, you are clearly beyond the point where you should be living with your mother. I could tell you that you shouldn't be bothered by her attitude, but the fact of the matter is that you are, indeed, bothered by it. That's not likely to change. So the answer is to move on, move out. Or to accept the fact that your mother is going to hold you back as long as you live with her.
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