A
female
age
41-50,
*eartstrings2
writes:I am a 30 year old unmarried female who comes from a very strict Middle Eastern family. I moved away from home 8 years ago to pursue my education in Toronto which is a 2 hr drive from where I live. My parents were completely against this decision as they believe that a girl needs to live with her parents until she gets married. Unfortunately this mindset is shared by many others from my culture. My ex bf who was completely in love with me finally left me after 3 years since his family disapproved of me. Their reason was that I had lived by myself for 6 years and therefore I am not a good girl for their son. I can't believe people would just judge someone like that. I did live in Toronto for 6 years and had 2 long-term relationships (which I guess is something a normal human being is supposed to do) but I managed to earn both my Bachelor and Master of Science. Guess what their son had? a high school Diploma!! You might wonder why I even gave him a chance, but that's just a different story which I don't want to bother you with. Anyway, after finishing my Masters, I moved back home to be with my parents. But, things were not the same anymore. I had to share a room with my brother,I was put on curfews, and I felt my freedom was endangered. I decided to study Optometry upon returning home, and started taking prerequisites for that which include Physics, and Math. I soon realized that I am terrible at both of those subjects since my prior education was mostly based on Biology. At the same time I was going through a break-up with the ex mentioned above. I was going through a rather difficult time, and had many emotional breakdowns following our break up, and ended up really depressed. In the last months of our relationship he had suggested to me that I should think of doing a 2 yr nursing program to settle down faster, and he thought medicine or optometry would take way too long. He insisted that I was not getting any younger so I should not waste any more time by just taking pre-requisites. I applied to a fast-track nursing program in Toronto at the same school where I got my MSc from just to be close to him (he lives in Toronto), and also to start making money quickly once we get married. After awhile, I felt guilty for listening to him rather than doing my own research first. I started to do lots of research on nursing, and spoke to many nurses and nurse practitioners, and finally decided that I truly wanted to be a nurse practitioner. I just love their approach to medicine which is mostly focused on prevention and health awareness. But to be a nurse practitioner I still needed the 2 years of basic nursing education first. I have been accepted to the program which starts in September, but my parents are completely against this decision. They do not want me to move out and go back to Toronto. The things that my mom has been telling me the past few days have been really hurtful. I just had to scream and cry for fifteen minutes straight yesterday to let all my frustration with this matter out.These are some of the things my mom tells me( although she does not really mean any of it) : look at you, you are thirty..everyone else your age is married, and has children, and here you are thinking about starting a new path. Don't you think it's late? You should be focused on building a family. How come I am not fortunate enough to see your wedding, and my grand kids. You will end up single for the rest of your life because nobody will ever want to marry a girl who lives by herself. How can I sleep at nights when I know you are there by yourself all alone, do you even know what I went though during the 6 yrs u were in Toronto.. I had nightmares every night thinking that you were getting killed or hurt.We have a family friend who is 38 and not married..my mom constantly tells me that I will end up like her..That I am making a mistake..that I will not be able to support myself financially and will quite in the middle of nursing (OSAP is not paying me enough and I don't know how I am going to support myself while in Toronto)The most hurtful things that she has told me are: I know you are going there to party every day and she indirectly told me that I am just doing this to be able to sleep around and i am not really going there to become a nurse. She says that I am a total failure, and that she is very ashamed of me . she told me all these things last night, and cried myself to sleep. this morning she came and hugged me and cried and said that she was upset when she was telling me those things, but this is not the first time I have heard them.I really don't know what to do!! I am sacred something will happen to her if I move to Toronto..she is not taking it well at all, and she keeps telling me about how I have no emotion..about how all my cousins who are married spend all their time with their mom ( but those cousins don't even have a diploma :S)At this point, I feel like a complete loser. I feel like I am not capable of achieving anything, and even if I go through the nursing program I won't successful. I keep imaging this scene where I would fail nursing school clinical and will end up with a huge debt, and 2 yrs from now I will still be nowhere ( no career, no family)!!!!
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a break, cousin, debt, depressed, middle eastern, money, my ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Mugzie69  +, writes (7 August 2012):
 Dear Heartstrings:
Your family is working some issues; but you're a clever girl and realize this.
There is neither reason nor excuse for opting to live a second-hand life based on the preferences of parents [or anyone else]. Love doesn't manipulate. Your folk need to recognize that you're a big girl now. But again, you realize all this. Perhaps you just need to hear it.
Let me put it this way for you, heartstrings.
I support you in whatever you decide. Mom and pop should do the same.
Mugzie
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): HI, I have lived for many years in the Middle east and can understand how you feel, it is important that you have your own work and money before you get married, should your marriage not be successful then it will be difficult for you to fend for yourself.
Parents have this feeling that their responsibility will end when they get you married off, so you are prolonging this and its causing them pain, they are worried that you are no longer a virgin so no middle eastern man would marry you, only old divorced ones, the larger fear is that you will marry some one white, bigger fear.....
You have to live for yourself and that is important and you need to explain this to your parents, i know this is something they cannot align with so its best you write to them and bring the issue out in the open.
I can understand that your mother lost her mother, but you cant be the replacement for that, your mother is lonely and i presume that she does not work, do you wish to see yourself in such a position ever? Not doing work and be dependent on people and only live your life for kids and husband as most middle eastern women do, a life of lonely-ness and sacrifice.
Remember..you parents brought you here to give you a new opportunity in life, take it and move forward....
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (6 August 2012):
 Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I cannot imagine how you are still able to deal with all this.
I would not give up on your dreams though. If you want to become a nurse practitioner, you should go for it. I understand where your parents are coming from, since they obviously feel religious beliefs should be upheld. Your mom thinks you are a failure because you are not standing behind your religion, not because you are a failure at your goals. She just feels your goals are wrong.
If you are happy going to school and waiting to find the right man for you, then I think you should sit your mom down and tell her this. Explain to her that you do not see eye to eye with her on this belief that you NEED to be married with children to have a happy and fulfilling life. Explain to her that to you, having a happy and fulfilling life is achieving your goals (school, a good job, and so forth). Explain that you two may never see eye to eye and she needs to respect your decisions. She does not need to agree with the decisions, but just respect them and not openly judge you on them. If you are willing to be bold (and if it would not be consider too rude in your culture), inform her that if she does not want to respect your decisions in life, you do not think you can have the same relationship you have now.
Again, I am sorry you have to deal with this. I cannot relate since I don't have a religious belief like you and did not grow up in that culture, but I do feel like you deserve better.
Good luck with everything. I hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, heartstrings2 +, writes (5 August 2012):
heartstrings2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also forgot to mention that my mom feels severely depressed and lonely especially after her mother passed away 2 yrs ago. During the past 2 years I have not been able to spend a lot of time with her and give her emotional support due to being busy with the prerequisites that I was taking. I really feel guilty for leaving her alone specially considering her condition :(
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A
female
reader, heartstrings2 +, writes (5 August 2012):
heartstrings2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry about the spelling and grammar mistakes.I typed the question on my phone.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 August 2012):
 You are a poster-girl for why people should not be so committed to their religion(s) that they use them (religions) for making stupid life decisions....
Go to Toronto.... study hard.... make a good life for yourself.... and don't give a second thought to what your parents think. Unlike many parents, they don't give a darn about you... EXCEPT as they think that they OWN you and can/should control each and every aspect of YOUR life.
In a few years, look back, make a sigh of relief and say to yourself, "Whew... I came pretty close to letting my parents - and their religion - screw up my life. I'm glad I figured out better...."
Good luck.... (study hard!)
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