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age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone, I have been going through a situation for a while now. Basically I met my boyfriend back when I was in high school, we were both 18 and this was when we were friends at the time. When we were in school, he got arrested at the time for getting into a fight, and this caused my mom to tell me that I could not longer speak or see him anymore. Well, after I graduated high school, I moved away to college with my dad and him and I lost communication for a while. I moved to my hometown a year later and him and I started talking again, and we finally made it official after being friends for 4 years. But my mom is still demanding me not to see him or talk to him at all. Even though I understand the " my house my rules" statement, can she basically tell me that I cannot? I love my mom, but she never listens to what I have to say no matter what about him getting his life back together, and that i am not going to stop seeing him. Please not hard judgements about how I'm stupid and immature. I just hope anyone understands. This is my best friend. He is 21.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2015):
 I am sure my answer will disappoint you, but I can see perfectly where your mom is coming from.
She might grasp intellectually the concept of " giving second chances ", and "everybody makes mistakes " and "people can change " etc.etc.... but the honest truth is that every parent prefers that these experiments in social rehabilitation... are performed on somebody's else daughter, not theirs. So I am not surprised if your mother thinks that an ex -con, ok, let's make it an ex juvenile delinquent, is not the ideal partner for you.
I am also not surprised if your mom probably takes his offence more seriously than you do. I suppose you take his " getting into a fight " ( to the point of being arrested !) as stupid but forgivable kid's stuff, no big deal. And I suppose that your mother thinks it's RELEVANT,instead, the fact that he did not " get into " a heated argument, an intense verbal sparring, or even an exchange of colourful insults and verbal abuse. He let his fists do the talking... and any mother would wonder, what happens if he gets into a big row... WITH MY DAUGHTER.
So, can she tell you whom to date ?...
Hmmm... yes and not .
No, because you are a 21 y.o. adult, you can and should make your own choices and decisions, including your own mistakes. As you ARE doing actually !, because you ARE doing what you want anyway and still dating this guy.
Yes, because I think the " my house my rules " could - and should - apply in these kind of cases too.
Same as when you patronize a hotel, you abide by the house rules ( and that, even if you are paying good money for staying in that hotel ! ). Like, you are a smoker, but smoke is not allowed on the premises. Oe, you are a dog owner , but pets are not welcome there.
Of course you have the right to smoke as much as you want and to own as many dogs as you want- just not until you are a guest ( even a paying guest ) of that establishment.
Because it's against the house policy.
Now, if the house policy at your mom's is : no member of this household / establishment will have personal / social relationship with persons having a rap sheet - ( also because that reflects badly on the other members of the household, btw, among other reasons ) - I think she CAN expect and hope her house policy is respected.
I think it would save you friction and frustration , and it would show more integrity from you , if you just moved out until you intend to stay with your " best friend ". You have moved out before, so it should not be such a challenge.
But... why can't SHE listen to you, why can't she accept ?....
Oh funny, can't you see ? Youe mother probably is asking herself the very same questions in reference to you and your love choices : why my daughter can't listen to me and to the voice of my experience, why can't she accept that there are tons of other guys for her that could be as suitable to her as this one, just WITHOUT the baggage ?...
It seems kind of a stalemate ad if you can't get over it, it would be more practical, honest and respectful if you moved out.
I am not saying that your mom is necessarily right in being wary, mind you. Maybe your Bf will astonish all of us by becoming the next Nobel Prize for Peace, - or anyway an upstanding pillar of your society.
But, until that moment, no, your mother does not have to
" accept " your ideas and choices, does not even have to make an effort to understand your position. You aren't doing much effort to understand hers, are you ?
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