A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My on and off relationship just ended. I am 30 and my ex is 29. I am his first real relationship and his first real love. When it was great. It was great, absolutely heaven and we were super happy. But when it was bad, it was super bad. I think this was caused by bad communication from my part and from his part. We don't understand each other and are over emotional because we have deep feelings for each other. Now everytime we argue over stupid little things. He would break up with me. Leading to me begging him back. Sometimes the breaks lasts an hour, a day or a week or at most 2 months. We always seem to get back together and try to make it work with good intentions but we fail.But I feel insecure because he keeps dumping me over little things and we always escalate fights for some reason. I've tried to diminish it but I can't for some reason. I am not saying that I am perfect and I am aware that I can be really mean and childish when I'm upset and it drives him crazy. He is not the only one who told me this. Almost all my ex boyfriends told me that I am 90% of the time an angel and that 10% I am the devil and it puts them off so much that guys would dump me. I never believed them until now. They just get tired of me. That 10% outweighs all?This guy was incredibly sweet to me and he was like a warm blanket of love, always. But he broke up with me with tears that this on and off thing that not work it is already so damaged eventhough he loves me so much and can't let go everytime he feels like he is forced to. What does this mean? He says that the fact that he knows how much I love him makes him feel sad. He thinks nobody would love him as much as I do? I thought it was strange thing to say.We agreed to have a month break to think things over. The month passed and he broke up with me on the phone because he knows it would be terrible if it was face to face. He said the same thing again. That he knows it doesn't work because we are not compatible and he wants to move on now. He will force himself eventough his heart doesn't want to leave. He said he loves me very much and he likes me as a person, I am the sweetest and will be there for me if I ever need him in emergency. But, he wants us to give each other time to move on first so he wants no contact. He did not say for how long.After that we met up and he was very awkward and a bit sad but we talked casually and I was very distant. I already begged him a little bit on the phone but he said he didnt wanna talk about relationship anymore because it makes him sad and it's already over. We called after that and he told me that we can be mature about it and it's important to know why it ended and I should let go and he wishes me well. The thing is, he did this many times before and he always ended up missing me so badly and couldn't stop himself from holding me because it makes him feel 'full'? That's how he calls it. He always tells me that I am beautiful and adorable at the same time and wants to squeeze me and hug me when he sees me. He told me he still has that feeling but he force himself not to. I want to change and I have, little by little and he did notice the change as well. But it was not enough I believe. I am going to seek a therapist and work out my problems. Do you think it is too late? It has been on and off for two years now. My only hope is that he seems to still adore me, and he even told me his heart wants to stay but his brain wants to leave because he doesn't want a life with arguing. He wants to stay in touch later because he cares and want to be there if I'm in an emergency or need him.I have given myself 6 months to focus on myself and maybe keep contact once per month or less with him without flirting with him - a platonic friendship. Do you think this is a good idea? I am not ready to give up on him because he has always supported me and I am so sorry for driving my boyfriends crazy. I always had off and on relationships. I don't even know why I am a devil sometimes. I don't scream or cuss or say hurtful things? But I break them mentally with some kind of strange logic you can't really argue with? I always have strange excuses and never apologize. I always act like I know all, even though sometimes I actually know I am wrong.I would like a second opinion. Can this still be saved? I don't know if he really wants to move on this time or is it another break? I am commited this time to change. 2 month break was not enough... I did change slowly but not enough. I read self help books everyday and have consults. I am very motivated but it is hard not to call him. He is more special to me that any other boyfriend I've ever had. This guy always made little surprises for me and always told me he is the happiest man when I am smiling and I see the way he looks at me when I smile it is almost teary eyes sometimes and then he would hug me. He told me once that he feels crazy but he thinks that our love feels more strong than most people. I think part of the problems was because he was so emotional and cares so deeply it made him even more crazy if I wounded him. He wounded me too but I can deal with it a lot better and move over it quite fast. Can this be saved? What should I do?Thank you in advance.
View related questions:
broke up, flirt, get back together, insecure, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): No. Let it be."When is great is the best, when is bad is the worst"-I've heard this too many times from people in TOXIC relationships.Your ex has wised up. So should you.NOTHING is worth going through hell for. Nothing and no one.Think of this-how many of the good things do you remember? And how many of the bad?Let's say a phone operator (say,I don't know Orange) solved your complaints (i.e. say not enough data, no connection whataves) 10 times successfully. Then 1 time you rack up a bill because, say you were unaware that this service was so expensive (say, for example, you did not know they would charge you 1 euro per minute to listen to voicemails? And then, suddenly, your bill was 1,000 instead of 10?)WHICH will you remember? The 10 times or that unexpected bill (which you'd feel was unjustified as they haven't alerted you to it)???I bet it is the case where you feel is not justified.That's how your exes would feel about you. Even if 90% of the time is good, if 10% is so bad, why torture themselves? They'll just find a new operator.Heal, make yourself better and realise that you don't need drama to be happy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): He has asked you to move on. That seems pretty final to me.
On-and-off again relationships are a sign of incompatibility. It doesn't mean you don't love each other; it means you're not right for each other. In spite of it!
You talk about all this sweetness and adoration; but it's just like the eye of a hurricane. You get the fury, the calm; then the fury of the storm returns. You've created this fantasy of how good your relationship is. It's not.
It keeps failing. There is no consistency to it; except for the fact it keeps breaking.
You are two stubborn people. You, more so than he. You beg him to return, and you're relentless. You don't appreciate what you have until it is gone. He pulls away instead of facing the problems between you and working together to resolve them. It's childish on both your parts.
I don't think you should set any time frames or target dates for your reconciliation. You haven't changed up to now, and I think he's done. If you have to beg him to come back, that means he really doesn't want to. He's bowing to the pressure. If he was totally honest with you, he'd tell you he was sick of your relationship; and wish you'd just move on and leave him alone. You won't. You'll keep pursuing him and pressuring him. You'll no doubt act-out in anger from the frustration. That's usually why boyfriends comeback. To avoid public humiliation, crazy ex-girlfriend behavior, and missing the sex.
How you're able to set percentages on how often you're good and bad puzzles me. Bad is bad. If it's bad enough to force someone out of your life, it's pretty bad!
Going back and forth is a waste of precious time; when you may as well end it for good. Use the downtime to fix and repair yourself in preparation for a normal relationship that can withstand the trials and challenges relationships normally have. You don't take "time-outs" for weeks and months after disagreements in a functional adult-relationship. You resolve the problems together, and you stick it out.
Your relationship is wrought with dysfunction; and you're pretending it's not. How ever long he's gone must be how long it takes for him to recover from you; while you keep promising change. Or, he has other things he's up to when you're both apart. He picks fights so he can get away to do whatever it is he wants to do. Using fights as his excuse to run and do his thing. You're both playing each other.
You play on his feelings for you; then turn into the devil once you've got him where you want him. I suspect there is jealousy and distrust in the midst of all this. Between both of you.
How about changing partners? After a long long period of self-improvement. You need about a year or two off from having a relationship. You need "me" time. Focusing only on yourself. Dating for fun from time to time. Not keeping a man just for the sake of soothing your dependency. You drive men out of your life. Probably because you're needy, insecure, and too clingy. Those are the common reasons.
He only comes back because you beg him to. Not necessarily because he wants to. Yes, breakups are sad. He feels sad. Not too sad to leave you when he's had enough! Multiple breakups are annoying and stressful. You're just good for awhile, and then you both start at it again. You don't know how to workout your problems; so you have a recurrent-cycle
of breakups, until you miss each other. The sex mainly.
You're both each others bad habit. You're addicted to each other. You're too weak to break the cycle of addiction. I hope he's strong enough to let you go. You need to work on yourself. Not for him, FOR YOU!!!
...............................
|
