A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello Readers.I am feeling very anxious about my Mother's interference with decision making in regards to my daughter. This has been an ongoing saga for the last 5 years and has affected my relationship with my daughter in a detrimental manner and affected my life in terms of personal relationships with men and women. My ex, my daughter's father has also had the same impact in undermining me as he was not happy in me wanting to break up with him. I almost lost my daughter two years ago due to the constant denegration of myself and derogoratory comments from both my Mother and my ex who is actually a drug addict and a cross-dressing abusive transvestite who wanted me to wear strap on's to satisfy his sexual needs! My mother hurt my very much a week ago and said that she was disappointed that my sister and I have never married. My sister is also a drug addict. I am 41 years of age and believe I have been trying to break the cycle of Domestic Violence for the last 5 years. This has been extremely hard for me considering I do not have any support from my family or anyone and in fact my mother thinks that my ex would have been okay to marry if I had have married him in the beginning. She said this knowing of his gender issues and abuse etc. My daughter has just recently won a scholarship to Boarding School where there are horses and in the country. She was very unhappy at the school she went to last year and didn't make any friends at all. I also applied for the Scholarship as my daughter wanted to go and loves horses and the country. She is now apparently mixing with the girls and making friends. I am very happy about this and the fact that she is out of the toxic environment in Perth where I do not have any support.There are constant dramas that my mother informs me about in regards to my sister's drug addiction, all of the men that she sees including my ex who she sees for drugs in exchange I believe for sexual favours of his preference mainly using a dildo on him. I am feeling quite relieved that my daughter is not being exposed to this environment and making friends etc. My mother continues to call me however informing me of my sisters latest antics and also says that I should pull my daughter out of the Boarding school in 3 months if she is not happy. I spoke to my daughter the other day and she said that she wants to come home and wants to know how long she has to stay there. I don't know how to handle this situation without making my daughter feel like I am abandoning her which I am certainly not. I told my Mum how I felt regarding feeling relieved that my daughter was not in the environment in terms of her fathers and my sisters drug addiction and ongoing dramas. My mother's respose was that my daughter also needs a mother. Every time my mum calls I feel anxious and don't want to speak to her at all to be honest. I am very worried that when my daughter comes home for long weekends etc that my mum will be on the phone and lobbying with my daughter and giving her an out etc which then puts strain on my relationship with my daughter. I am even too scared to attempt to have a relationship with a man as the last two times I have, my mother and my daughter's father have supported my daughter's decision that she doesn't like him and then if I don't get rid of the man, my daughter wants to stay with my mum or her Dad. Please can anyone give me some advice. It is also my mum's birthday this weekend and my daughter wants to come home for the weekend. She has only been there for 2 weeks and I am not sure whether to insist that she stay there until the compulsory long weekend in March when it is compulsory that she come home or to pick her up. I seem to feel stuck and not confident about what to say to my mum or my daughter as in the past, everything I have said has backfired in my face and my daughter finishes up hating me even more when I don't give her an out whether it be the school she is at or a man or a friend that I may want to see. I have therefore as a result become very reclusive. Any advice please.
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male
reader, Snowshoe  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 You are in a tough place but I believe you were able find a partial solution for your daughter. I'm guessing she isn't old enough to understand the family dynamics completly. You followed your heart and found her a safer place.
With regard to boarding school every kid hits the 2week mark and wants to come home. I would be gone for months at a time and absolutly loved it. However, at the two week point I inevitably wanted to come home. Also again at the six week point. Your little one is going thru a bit of culture shock being at the boarding school probably. If it was my daughter I would make her stick out the term at least, if not the year. Your her mom not her friend on this one she won't thank you now but by the time she has children of her own she will.
Re. Your mom and ex. Personally I believe you should tell them to Piss off. You sound like you have your own home and your own income. You aren't beholden to them. They want to bring you into their disfunctional world. It is your duty to not let them drag you into the mud.
I don't know if this is even an option but you might even look at moving closer to your daughter. Just don't tell the relatives. They will call one day and get a disconected number. A little harsh I know but sometimes breaking free really means breaking away. All the very best.
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